Chapter 9
My headache is passing by the time I get home in the morning. Talk about walk of shame. I quietly open the door, stressing out about a possible confrontation with Cass.
I spent the night on Aaron’s floor, because with my new revelation it felt weird to suggest sleeping in the same bed. I shouldn’t have drank so much. I shouldn’t have drank at all, technically, but I’m twenty-one next month anyway so, whatever.
I’m afraid of what things might be like between me and Cass after that kiss. So maybe he doesn’t know it’s me who accosted him in the labyrinth, but I do. I now know what his lips taste like, what holding him is like, and that I get rock-hard when he grabs my ass.
There is no undoing any of it, and I’m still fuzzy on the consequences of this revelation, because I never imagined a…
gay future for myself. I don’t know if I want kids, but it was always so obvious to me that one day I’d find a woman who’d become my wife.
My parents are open-minded, but they never even considered I might be anything but a straight son who’ll eventually bring home a future daughter-in-law.
Even Cass never really asked me about gay stuff, which makes me sad whenever I think about it, because it means he felt the need to hold back in our friendship.
That he was afraid I might reject him. But when I think of all the times we studied together, I wish he had told me, so we could have kissed on my bed, on top of coursework.
It’s all so heavy to think about on a hungover brain.
Aaron offered to drive me, but after we drank his secret cabinet dry together, his face looked so gray I didn’t have the heart to accept. It took me forty minutes to reach the apartment on foot, and by the time I arrive, all I want is to grab a glass of water and hide under my comforter.
It’s not meant to be.
“You look like you had a good night. Did the date go well?” Cass asks.
I drop the keys in panic, convinced he’s seen through me and that the question is about our kiss last night. But when I look up and see him hugging a pillow on the sofa, there’s no anger in his expression.
“Uh… yeah, I guess. Kinda. No, it didn’t, actually.” Why am I like this? “It’s not gonna work, but Aaron roped me into a drink in town and things got out of hand so I spent the night at his. How about you?”
I walk into the living room and sit on the opposite side of the sofa, aware of his body in ways I haven’t been before. Did I really stuff his face under my armpit just last month? What was I thinking?
Cass looks great in gray pajama pants and a plain T-shirt, and I count myself lucky that the pillow sits on his crotch, because I might have revealed my secret by staring.
How? How can a guy go through such a rapid change?
Still, despite the chaos inside me, I try to continue this normal conversation and add, “What about you? Did you have fun… with Logan?”
Cass’s expression remains unchanged, but his eyes dim. It’s only then that I spot the plastic mace I dropped at the labyrinth sitting on the coffee table, and my knees so soft.
“You know, I really want to go out,” Cass says and offers me a smile that seems sad somehow. “You up for a little hike?”
“Always. Just let me grab my shoes.”
I might feel like shit, but fresh air always does me good.
I’m suddenly aware of how slobby I am around the apartment sometimes. I walk around in a T-shirt with a hole at the bottom, and neon green sweatpants that have seen better days. If I’m to be gay around Cass, even secretly, I need to step up my game.
I was supposed to just grab hiking boots, but end up jumping into the shower for an express wash, because I refuse to smell of booze and Aaron’s carpet around Cassian.
I try to dress as fast as possible when I’m done, but my brain is sharp again and conjuring images of Cass showering, of the times I’ve seen him naked when we went skinny-dipping, or that time last week when I had the bright idea to snatch the towel off his hips and let him chase me around the house.
I am an idiot.
By the time I leave my room, he has coffee waiting for me in a thermal cup, and the air smells of the eggs and bacon filling for the sandwich resting next to the beverage.
“I figured you might need an energy boost. You can eat in the car,” Cass says, zipping up his waterproof jacket.
I’m so happy I could cry. “Oh, God! It’s like you read my mind.” I grab the sandwich, put my puffy jacket on and we’re out.
On the way to the car, I glance at him now and then, trying not to stare. Everything is different now.
I don’t just recognize that he's handsome. I’m the one thinking he’s handsome.
I don’t think his cologne is nice. I like how the cologne smells on him.
I want to smell his shampoo, and slide my hands under his jacket, and I don’t know what else, but I definitely want to kiss him again. In fact, it’s hard not to focus on his soft lips.
Would he be embarrassed if he found out I feel that way? I’m his best friend but that hardly means he finds me attractive.
I am not feeling that great, and Cass isn’t too chatty, so I opt to eat my sandwich later and let myself doze off in the car despite the coffee I drank moments before.
By the time I startle awake, we’re surrounded by trees covered with leaves in beautiful autumnal colors.
The Jeep is the only vehicle in the small parking lot in the woods, but I didn’t expect there to be lots of people on the day after the party night that is Halloween.
When I step outside, the air calms me with its earthy scent.
I can’t hear a single car.
“Damn, just what I needed,” I say and smile at Cass, who looks back at me from above a map.
“I was afraid you wouldn’t feel like it today.”
“Nah, with you? Always.” I nudge him with an elbow, but then still with the sandwich halfway to my open mouth.
Was that a weird thing to say? Was it a gay thing to say? Am I flirting?
I have no idea since this is stuff I always say to him. Before I put my foot in my mouth, I put the sandwich in my mouth.
Cass smiles, but his gaze darts around us, and he leans in for a hug that envelops me in the loveliest cocoon of all. How could I have not noticed before how amazing he feels and smells.
“Thanks,” he says, pulling back after the briefest moment. “Never change, man.”
Too late. But I don’t say it out loud.
I beam at him once I swallow the first bite. “You keep making me food like this and you got it.”
It’s where the problem lies though. Maybe he likes our relationship the way it is. There’s a stability to it, and if I rock the boat, we might both fall out and drown.
When his eyes meet mine, I want to shove him to the pile of dry leaves behind him and kiss his lips until they’re sore. The yearning inside me is already excruciating, and I’ve only just realized I’m gay. I hate it, and I love it, and it’s an absolute clusterfuck.
I eat even more voraciously, despite the fact that eggs and bacon can’t satisfy my other pressing needs.
“So what’s with the plastic mace you had on the table? Did you change costumes later in the night or something?” I ask, hoping I sound innocent.
His smile drops, and I hate myself for being the cause of it twice over. “Yeah, things didn’t quite go as planned,” he says, leading the way down a narrow path between the trees.
The past couple of days have been dry, so the woods look bright with color, bejeweled with leaves in so many shades, yet all I care about is the man walking in front of me.
“Oh? How so?” Maybe he broke up with Logan and I won’t even have to tell him about the cheating. As I finish my sandwich, at least my body is happy again.
“Things are more complicated than I’d like, you know. I’m wondering if what I’m doing is what I actually want.”
I frown. "You mean your degree?” I’m not sure anymore what this conversation is about but I’m always happy to be there for him.
He lets out an exasperated sigh and slows down so I can walk alongside him. “No. It’s... it’s just that I’m not sure what to do about Logan,” he finally admits, and my heart soars all the way to the bright sky above.
“What did he do? Does this have something to do with the mace?” I ask to show just how oblivious I am to where he got it.
Also, I’d kind of love to sneak my hand into his pocket and hold it there, but that’s a new thought for me to dissect another time.
Cass’s eyes linger on mine. They are such a beautiful shade of green, as if he’s carrying the forest with him wherever he goes. “Yeah. It does have something to do with the mace. I met someone last night, and now I’m wondering if I should tell Logan.”
I bite my lip, unsure what to say despite wanting to yell that Logan is an asshole-cheater-douche. Even the birds seem to chirp in encouragement, but I settle on something more normal.
“Who did you meet?”
Do you want to kiss again? We could literally do it right here.
But Cass has no idea the masked troll was me, and his eyes dart toward a boulder covered with moss, as if he were ashamed.
“It was this guy, dressed as a troll. He was flirting with me, and we ended up kissing. I know my relationship with Logan’s open, but there was something different about that dude.
I’m not sure how that whole thing makes me feel. ”
I push my hands into my pockets, and while stress is eating me up from the inside, I love our hike already.
Just me and him in the woods, the scent of fall, squirrels jumping from one branch to the other.
I have a sudden urge to go camping with him, yet have no idea how I could now possibly not get a boner when alone in a tent with him.
I used to think I admire him, that I have a healthy appreciation of my male friend. How could I not see it that I’m actually crushing on him?
Only then my brain circles back to what I just heard. “Wait. What? You have an open relationship with him?”