Chapter 9 #2
His eyes shut, and the length of his lashes becomes more obvious. “Yes, that’s what he wanted from the start. It’s not really my thing, but he's an exclusive top, so I agreed.” He blinks. “Sorry, is this weirding you out?”
“No, no! I want you to tell me stuff. I just… He’s a what?” I think I might know, but I don’t want some stupid misunderstanding.
He stares at me with hands on his hips, as if asking, Do you really wanna know? But when I say nothing, he shrugs. “In anal sex, he’s always the one… giving.”
I would have understood giving head, but now I’m confused. “Like… Giving himself?”
Cass scowls. “No… eh… the top is the one who gives dick, and the bottom is the one who receives dick inside him. So… yeah, he only ever tops, and I like both.”
My brain melts a little, because now I’m thinking of Cass giving dick, and moments later, the vision is overtaken by him saying that he likes both.
I’m glad my pants aren’t tight because I remember standing between his legs the other day after I lifted him to the counter, and arousal trails down my body.
“Okay, okay, I’m with you.” I frown, forcing myself to zero in on the slug making its way over a fallen tree trunk. I think of licking its bitter, slimy body, and that helps me relax.
“Look, maybe I shouldn’t have gone into the specifics.
It’s just that we aren’t quite compatible in bed.
But he also isn’t the kind of guy who goes all in and makes the other person’s life his.
Makes sense to have some separation, but I…
I don’t know. Something is lacking, you know?
” he asks as sadness once again passes over his features.
I want to throttle Logan for not only taking Cass away from me, but also for not succeeding at making him happy.
“So are you saying that you want to be closer and exclusive with him, or that he’s an ass and now you want this other guy?”
Cass bursts out laughing and keeps walking forward.
At least I did something right by lifting his mood.
“He’s not an ass. I do like him, but if he can’t really commit, then I’m not sure if this is for me in the long run, you know?
I like sex like any other guy, but I guess I want someone to be…
my person.” He swallows, meeting my eyes.
I should not read too much into it.
“Someone you can top too.” I wink and laugh, because I’m so glad to see him smiling again, but it’s overwhelming to hear all this.
I don’t even know what I would like to do with another guy.
If Cass were up for it, I’d love for us to make out and rub our dicks together, but everything else is fuzzy.
And what if we’re incompatible in that department? What if I don’t want to bottom either? I haven’t given it much thought, since all I did know was that I wanted to touch him.
Cass chuckles as we approach a whispering creek cutting through the quiet woods. “Among other things. But yeah... I don’t know, maybe it was the costume, but the guy I kissed last night felt different. Or maybe it’s just hot that I didn’t even get to see his face?”
“Oooh! Kinky!” I tease him, even though I should come clean about last night. Then again, he seems to enjoy the mystery of the troll, so why spoil it for him?
Cass shrugs but seems more at ease now. “I mean, I suppose that was a part of it, but he was a really good kisser, and smelled just… ugh, incredible. Though he seemed a bit shy and ran off on me in the end. Bummer, right?”
“And you would like… do more with him? Is that allowed between you and Logan?”
I feel butterflies swarm in my stomach. He thinks I’m a good kisser.
“Well… technically yes, but the point of an open relationship is to have a partner and have some sex outside of that. But… I don’t know…
seeking out that guy feels like crossing boundaries.
Because then he’s not just a hot body but someone I’m pursuing.
Does that make sense?” Cass asks, and his eyes seek my approval.
“I think it does. You know… there’s something I need to tell you. I was struggling, because I thought it would be a bigger deal, so I hope you don’t feel hurt when you hear it, but…”
He’s all ears, and I take a deep breath.
“Aaron saw Logan getting head from someone last night. We were freaking out, because I thought he was cheating on you, and then I didn’t know how to tell you, because you know I don’t like him, and I was afraid you’ll see it as me making shit up to make him look bad.”
I exhale.
Cassian licks his lips and speeds up a bit. “Yeah, I know. Was it the guy in a gladiator-like costume? He told me he was skipping the party with him.”
I’m glad he’s not hurt by it, but I’m also kinda deflated, because I hoped this would be the moment Cass gets angry at Logan and drops him like a hot potato.
For a moment we walk in silence, but something is off. “You’re not happy about it.”
“No,” Cass said curtly. “He has most of the week to hook up with whoever he wants to, right? But we went there together, and he decided to leave me for half an hour to fuck some dude.”
I pat his back, hoping it feels normal for him. I touch him like this on the regular, but everything changed last night, so it’s hard for me to tell anymore if I’m being weird or not. “That’s tough, man. He’s not, like… your first guy, right?”
Cass’s shoulder bumps against mine in a familiar way as we approach the rocky banks of the creek. “Nah. I literally lost my virginity during Welcome Week.”
I whistle and laugh, returning the nudge.
“Bet you were excited to explore everything in a whole new place. Is it okay if I ask… how you knew?” Nerves coil in my stomach again, because this is getting personal.
I’m in the middle of my own identity crisis and it would really help to know another man’s experience.
“That I’m gay?” he asks, and when I nod, he scoots next to the rushing water and touches it with two fingers. “I had a crush on Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings movies.”
I frown. I also really liked Aragorn back then. But I always thought it was because I wanted to be like him. What if I actually liked him that way? The gay way.
I sit on a nearby rock with a sigh. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He’s silent, splashing the water around, as if he didn’t hear me. I’m about to repeat my question when he speaks. “I worried it would freak you out, and that I’d lose you.”
Same, man. Same.
I don’t want to make it weird, and I don’t want to make him feel like I’m trying to sabotage his relationship with Logan. But I can see that Aaron was right. I am jealous of Logan because I want to be the one kissing Cass.
“You can tell me anything, okay?”
I, on the other hand, might need some time to adjust my thoughts.
Cass looks back and flashes me a smile so bright it feels as if he were holding my heart in his hand. “Thanks. You’re the best person I know, hands down.”
“I’m glad I moved,” I say, even though it’s causing me so much turmoil. If I’d stayed at my old college, I might have not scratched the surface of my feelings for years. Better late than never, though.
“Me too. It’s like the old days, but better, because we don’t have to steal your dad’s booze.” Cass smirks and gives my thigh a gentle shove.
I laugh at the memory. “You better plan something good for my birthday next month! Remember my seventeenth? Now that was a mess.”
The car broke down on our way to the bowling alley and we ended up going to a Walmart on foot, buying a selection of cereal and having a taste-testing competition in the parking lot. We had to use a plastic ball cut in half as bowls.
And then we did shopping cart racing, which nearly got us arrested, and then slept under a bush after talking through most of the night while watching stars.
Best birthday ever.
“No, it was great,” Cass says, echoing my thoughts.
“Did you… So you already knew back then? That you’re gay, or were you still unsure?”
“I found out pretty early on, but it was this secret I didn’t dare tell anyone. I didn’t even know how much it was stifling me before I finally came out, first to my friends at university, then to family.”
Not to me.
“But how were you sure? Did you look at boobs and go, ‘nope!’?”
He shrugs. “They’re the same to me as a leg, you know. I just never had any interest, but when I thought of a guy touching me... yeah, that had me going all hot.”
I don’t find lady parts revolting either, but it’s true that for me they’re just…
there. Touching and penetrating them ultimately contributed to my pleasure, but I’d always been more into the feeling itself than being with my girlfriend.
I like how girls look at me when they’re into me, but that’s more about my ego.
Because yeah, it feels good to be considered attractive.
“Did you have a high school crush?”
“Yeah, but I’m not telling you because you know him too, and it would be weird as hell,” Cass says with a grin.
Damn, he’s so handsome with those black locks tickling the skin of his neck.
I go through the list of guys we thought were hot shit back in high school.
“I bet it was Ben Reid. Cause he did the sword LARP thing, like your beloved Aragorn!” I tease.
“I’m not telling you shit. You’re too much of a gossip.” He joins me on the boulder. I’m about to answer when he sneaks his wet, ice-cold hand under the back of my T-shirt.
I jump up with a squeal but laugh. “You asshole! This is war!” I grab a bunch of fallen leaves and throw them at him.
He chuckles and leaps away to grab his own handful. “You watch out, I might just have a big bad troll watching over me!”
“You wish!” I manage to dodge some of his leaves, and throw more at him, but my eyes are on the prize now. With a fistful of leaves, I run at him, and he knows exactly what I intend because I’ve stuffed leaves down his shirt too many times to count.