Chapter 13
“At least you’re not puking anymore,” Cass says and arranges his checkered blanket over me before tucking it in. Water for tea is heating in the microwave, and I feel like the worst person ever.
I’m lying to Cassian and don’t deserve his care, yet I nod as he presses the back of his hand to my forehead, leaning so close I can sense his delicious cologne.
Mint and rosemary.
I want to fall asleep breathing it in straight from his nape.
I’m such a big gay I can’t even comprehend how I didn’t see that.
“I’m sorry I ruined your date,” I say again.
I had him pick me up under the pretense of being unwell, so I’m still kind of mumbling, but he hears me on the way to the kitchen.
He dressed nicely for the fake troll, in his best jeans, which are a bit narrower than the others, and a new long-sleeve with a picture of snowy mountains at the front.
Its color, a dark magenta, makes Cass’s green eyes stand out more, and as he comes back with my tea, I can’t help but stare at him.
He places the cup on the coffee table and sits on the sofa, so close my toes touch his thigh. “Don’t worry about it.”
I poke him with my foot. “Was he everything you wanted?” I sure fucking hope not.
Cass lowers his head, and for a moment I’m left watching his profile. “No. Actually, I’m happy I got an excuse to leave,” he says and offers me a smile that seems weirdly sad.
Now I’m regretting the guy wasn’t to his liking, and that’s messed up. I’m so desperate to see him happy. I sit up, cuddled in the blanket, to drink the mint tea he’s made for me.
“How come?
Cass pulls up his legs and presses the soles of his feet together, as if he were stretching. His black curls are unruly today, yet it’s an artistic sort of mess I love seeing on him. Is my constant need to ruffle his hair an expression of me wanting to touch him? Has it always been that way?
“You know, he had this hot voice, and he knew I was a guy, so I think I kind of rushed into things, but.. he wasn’t what I expected.” He shrugs, curling his hand over his toes. “He was this kind of sexy player dude. Not my troll. The guy I met today wouldn’t have ran away from me.”
The memory of that moment washes over me in waves of shame. “Did you kiss him?” I don’t want to know, but the morbid curiosity gets the best of me.
Cassian shrugs. “He was lying. And we had nothing to talk about in real life. I don’t know what I’ve been thinking?
” He looks my way. “Putting up posters and posting ads online just because of a guy whose face I don’t even know?
What the hell’s wrong with me? This isn’t a movie.
The more I think about it, the angrier I am with myself. ”
I stroke his back, and not because I’m a creeper trying to get a feel of him, but because I’m so sorry he’s going through this. “Don’t be. You had the best intentions. Maybe you did get swept up in the romance of a mystery, that’s all.”
Cassian stares at our murky reflection in the dark TV screen. “I can’t explain it, but he seemed almost shy. And because I didn’t know him, I projected on him, I suppose. Who knows, maybe the real troll is a complete douche canoe too?”
I have some of the mint tea, thinking it smells a bit like Cass—fresh and herby. “Maybe he’s in the closet and that’s why he wore the mask.”
“Well, he could have at least called me,” Cass says so sharply I bite my tongue, but he then takes a deep breath and rolls his shoulders to relax them. “It was a stupid idea. I’m surprised Logan didn’t veto it in the first place.”
Logan.
I almost forgot about him.
“Have you even seen him since Halloween?”
“Yeah, we grabbed lunch before I started looking for the troll. I asked him if it was okay to pursue the guy.”
“Who would the troll be in a perfect world?” I scoot a bit closer. “What kind of guy would be good enough for Cassian Lastra?”
He lets out a chuckle. “Someone I’d want to see all the time. With similar values and interests. Outdoorsy, so we could go hiking a lot. A nice person. Oh, and he would have to get along with my friends. Is that too much to ask, Matt? Do such unicorns exist?”
“Well, he better get along with me, cause I’m not going anywhere.” I laugh and have to stop myself from kissing him. “You’ll be picking me up after I puke at another cafe when I’m eighty.”
Cass catches my gaze and squeezes my bicep through the blanket. His eyes are so very dark and sincere. “By that time, we’ll probably be neighbors at the same nursing home. I won’t have to drag you far to get home.”
“I’ll be racing you in my walker.” I laugh at that vision of the future.
“You better. At that age, we’ll have to keep in shape somehow,” Cass says and drops his feet to the floor. “I will remind you of this on your birthday, because you will officially be one year closer to that future.”
“Oh yeah? Are you planning a walker race for my birthday?”
I slurp my tea, holding it with both hands, because I might just put one on his thigh otherwise.
Cassian smirks, laughing like the perfect movie villain. “Oh, you think I’ll just reveal my plans to you?”
“Dammit! I thought I was being sneaky. So it’s a surprise? Is Logan involved?” I ask casually, but I would despise a reality where that was the case.
“No, he’s leaving tomorrow. Some kind of family thing. He’ll be gone for two weeks.”
And yet, Cass is here with me, not spending the evening with his boyfriend.
“Have you met his family?”
“They live on the other side of the country. Plus, I think he’s not out to them yet,” Cass says, shrugging. “But maybe he and I can go somewhere together once he’s back. Everything has been choppy lately, and we can’t sync our schedules, you know?”
I’m not mad about it.
“That’s tough,” I say to seem like a better friend than I am. I can’t help it, Logan rubs me the wrong way. “So it’s just you and me for my birthday?”
I like parties, but one on one time with Cass is always best.
He places his hand on my knee, which is not broken—thank God—and smiles. “Yeah, Mattie. I think maybe I’ve been too scattered. In the next two weeks, it’ll be just work, school, and time with my best friend, hm?”
Butterflies flutter in my stomach. “You won’t be looking for hook-ups now that Logan’s away?” I ask, wanting to understand that side of him better.
Cass’s eyes narrow, and his hand burns me through the blanket. “You seem awfully interested in my sex life, Mattie. Is there something you wanna tell me?”
I freeze, my face is engulfed by fire all the way to my ears, and I stare at him, unable to choke out anything for a while. Is this the right moment to tell him?
Maybe?
He has that cute smile and I wanna eat him alive.
“I…” I put down my tea, but then pounce on him. “You asshole! I’m just trying to understand all your gay stuff!” Yeah, as if it’s not my ‘gay stuff’ too.
Cassian laughs and tries to roll away, but I hold him still. In the end, he drops his hands and looks up at me. “Okay, shoot. I’m here to answer all your gay questions.”
I shake my head. I could kiss him if I only lowered my face by a few inches. Would he recognize me then? “Do you try to look for sex outside of what you have with Logan often?”
Cassian sighs. “Not really. I suppose I did it a couple of times, but that’s mostly because it would feel uneven if I didn’t, you know?” He blinks. “Not that I don’t like it. It’s just that… I guess I tend to focus on one person.”
I’m glad the thick blanket separates us in case my body gets a little too interested in the position we’re in. “Sure, I get it, Logan sluts around so you want action too,” I tease him.
Cass rolls his eyes. “He has commitment issues.”
“And you don’t? You’d put a ring on his finger?” I laugh but dread the answer. At least the topic means my dick is marshmallow soft.
“I don’t know. We’d have to do a trial run living together.”
My heart stops. That would mean Cass not living with me. We’ve barely lived together for two months and I already struggle to imagine not sharing an apartment with him. But I smile to hide my nerves and shove a pillow at his kissable face.
“Well, too bad! Cause you’ve got me and Lollobrigida now!”
Cassian yells into the cushion, thrashing like a fish on land, but he’s only playing. When I take the pillow away, he’s so deliciously flushed it reminds me of when I witnessed him jerking off.
As much as I love lying on top of him, it’s time to get up or I’ll have a problem explaining why I’m getting hard.
I sit on my side of the sofa. Levi’s words resonate in my head, but I have no idea how to break it to Cass that I have feelings for him. Especially considering how messy his relationship with Logan is.
“Movie night?”
He smiles, grabbing half the blanket. “Sounds perfect. 127 Hours?”
He has this fascination with movies about mountaineers in peril and castaways. After today’s events, watching a movie about a guy who chops off his own arm is the last thing I want, but I’ve already said no to this movie three times.
I can’t deny him any longer.
“Go on.”