15 - Dan James
15
Dan James
“You’ve been squirming in your seat the whole morning, so don’t try to tell me again there’s nothing new to talk about,” Jonathan said as soon as we walked out of our Sunday catch-up session at the cafe. “So spill.”
I wanted to give him an annoyed look, something to mask the truth beneath it, but I could only look away into the street, too afraid that he would see the turmoil written on my forehead.
That he’d see ‘I’m fucking my nemesis’ in big, bold letters on my forehead and I would spill all of the feelings that had been trapped inside my chest for the past few weeks.
And I was so not letting it happen.
I pushed a loose rock away with my shoe, not acting conspicuous at all. “It’s nothing.”
Jonathan huffed. “Right. Nothing .” I heard him walk closer to me. “Do I need to call your brother for some emotional manipulation?”
My best friend knew damn well that I was weak against my brother's puppy eyes, being the protective older brother and all, but really, he didn't need him here.
Jonathan was the actual bulldozer in their relationship, which was how I knew that I was living in borrowed time.
I took a deep breath.
“I’m…seeing someone.”
“Oh?”
That was aloof. A very, ‘ I’m-not-interested-but-I’m-very-interested’ sound.
I sighed.
“Rather, I’m sleeping with someone.”
“And that’s not good?” Jonathan asked from behind me.
He was letting me have some modicum of privacy but I was pretty sure that he could have read me just as well without seeing my face than seeing it.
“It's not,” I said, biting my lip before continuing. “I should be doing this right, I should be figuring myself out and not getting tangled up on something with someone. I mean, I was trying to be single, not to get into a pseudo-relationship or anything.” I looked around at him. “Shouldn't you tell me to end it?”
Jon raised his brows. “Me? You're the one that got hell-bent on learning to be single, I have nothing to say about you having a fling.”
I’d ended up telling my best friend about my experiment a few weeks ago, cracking under the pressure of his questions, but right about now, I was regretting it.
I’d also had to tell my family about it, glossing over the details, of course, since they’d started to complain about me not showing up to our family dinners and had even gone as far as rescheduling them, but I just didn’t want to hear them trying to set me up anymore.
“But you should be supportive, you should be the voice of reason when I stray,” I said, exasperated.
Jon grinned. “Don't you have the best teacher around for this? I'm sure having a dirty fling is part of the experience.”
My jaw tightened.
“Didn’t he have anything to say about this?” he asked lightly.
“He’s being awfully lax in his lessons,” I said, not lying but not saying the full truth.
Jon shrugged. “Then just keep going with this if you like it, and if not, then ask the player how to get rid of them. I’m sure he’ll have many things to say about that, right?”
Right. He should.
But why did it feel so wrong to hear Jon say it out loud?
Why did Andy not feel so much like a player anymore?
And why did I ache at the thought?
Jon’s words still followed me when I got home and started preparing some light lunch, and by the time Andy came and wrapped himself around my back, they were the only thing on my mind.
“Why are you grumpy all of a sudden?” he asked, biting my neck playfully. “I’d think with all of the sex you’re getting, you’d be happier to see me.”
My core tightened, the mixture of his words and his voice never failing to strum at something inside me, making my skin prickle with awareness.
“It’s nothing,” I said, pressing the spatula against the pan harder than I needed to, pushing my horny thoughts away as my stomach turned to knots. “And I’m the grump, right? The ugly personality is part of the default.”
Now he bit harder. “No one said anything about ugly,” Andy said lightly but didn’t linger on it. “Who twisted you up like this? I’ll beat them up.”
His words stupidly managed to make my chest flutter with warmth.
“No one.”
“ Dan.” He pressed his hips against my ass, grip tightening in warning.
“It was just Jon.” Then I lied through my teeth. “He doesn’t think my ‘being single’ experiment has a future.”
Not much of a lie, even if he hadn’t said it. No one in my family thought I would last, they thought I had too many ingrained habits to maintain this sudden change in lifestyle and that sooner or later I’d be snatched up again, because I was so ‘boyfriend material’ or something.
Which wasn't comforting to me. Not at all.
Because I couldn't be in another relationship. I just couldn't. I couldn't go back to that routine, to feeling like a failure, like I didn't measure up, I needed to change or else everything would stay the same.
I needed to be different.
And so it didn't help at all when Andy said, “That makes two of us then.”
I froze.
Andy kept nibbling on my neck. “I’m not saying this to offend you, but it is what it is. Some people are like me, and some people are like you, and we just need to accept that.”
I tensed up. “And what if I don't want to accept it?” I asked, my voice coming out with a hint of broken that I hadn't wanted to show.
Andy's arms tightened around me. “And why would that be?”
I gritted my teeth. “None of your business.”
“Why don't you just tell me what's wrong so we can talk it out and we can end this farce?”
I couldn't deny that hurt.
Andy turned off the stove and turned me around, pushing me against the counter, away from the food.
“Tell me what it is.”
“No.”
“Tell me what it is or I won’t let you come.”
My chest tightened. “I don't negotiate with snooping players.”
“Do you think I’d laugh at you?” Andy asked, voice light but eyes revealing a lot more seriousness. “Is that why you won't tell me?”
I bit my tongue.
“Can't you just accept that I may not want to be in a relationship right now for a very good reason?”
“I accept it. I accept it just fine, but I want to know why.”
“Shouldn't you be happy about this? Shouldn't you be happy that someone won't have to be stuck with me for years on end before it crashes and burns?”
Something flashed in Andy's eyes at the morsel of information I had just revealed, but he didn't mention it. “Why would I be happy?”
“Because you hate me? Because you can't stand me?”
“You have always been the one that hates me, Dan James, not the other way around.”
My heart stuttered. What was that supposed to mean? Since when?
We stared at each other and I couldn't voice any of my questions. My heart felt lodged in my throat as Andy had me in the prison of his arms, even if we weren't touching anywhere right now.
I wanted him to be touching me. I wanted to forget all of these stupid thoughts for at least a little bit, before my conscience came back with a vengeance and told me to do what was right and stop fucking around.
I got hold of his soft cotton t-shirt, brushing it against my fingers. “All the same. It's better for everyone like this.”
I could sense that Andy was still tense, that he wanted to ask something more, but he didn't, he just put a finger under my chin and made me look up at him.
“You can do anything you want, Dan James. I've never met anyone with more stubborn determination than you.”
My heart jumped. “Was that a compliment? Did it hurt?”
Andy groaned. “It fucking did. So you better kiss it better, or I'll be the one to get grumpy, and none of us will like that.”
“Are you sure?” I asked against his lips. “I think I like seeing you out of your element.”
I liked it a little too much, because it meant I had an effect on him.
“Are you a secret sadist, Dan?”
My lips twitched. “Maybe? But I think that's mostly you.”
“You have no idea of how much you torture me,” he said, winding his hand around my nape.
I tugged at his t-shirt.“Show me?”
Then our lips pressed against each other, my chest still aching. I kissed him with everything I had, with every ounce of annoyance and irritation, because I needed it. Because I couldn’t stop.
And because if I didn’t remind myself of all the reasons this could never last, I might get too comfortable here.