18 - Andy Jacobs
18
Andy Jacobs
As I stared at my empty glass of hard liquor, I contemplated what exactly I’d been drinking. Whiskey? Rum? My heart squeezed at the possibility that it might be the latter, knowing that rum was always Dan’s choice, knowing that it made him the most basic type of guy ever, a fact that as much as I hadn't wanted to admit it to myself, I’d always found endearing.
I'd always found it endearing because I’d found everything that Dan did both irritating and adorable, because I was all fucking heart eyes when it came to him, and now I was here, the truth finally out for me to process, dreading to go back home and find him there, packing his bags, deciding that it was all too much and he would rather go live with his best friend and his brother or even a random stranger than stay a second longer with me.
Vincent had been suspiciously avoiding me for almost twenty minutes now (he had a morning shift today), and when I caught a familiar scent coming off the guy currently settling himself next to me, I knew why.
I didn’t even look at Travis as I said, “I don’t want company.”
“Good thing I didn’t ask.” He took my glass away from me, smelling the contents, and pushing it away. “I think you’re done.”
“Good thing you don't think for me, then,” I said, looking for Vincent again, who was currently sneaking glances at us while busying himself with some other people. He had definitely been the one to call Travis and didn’t want to deal with the consequences.
I felt Travis staring holes into the side of my face. “Are you going to tell me what's wrong, or are you going to keep sulking in silence?”
“I’m not sulking,” I grumbled. “And no one invited you to watch.” Then after a beat, I added, “This is your fault, you know?”
Travis scoffed. “And how did you arrive at this brilliant conclusion?”
I glared in front of me, refusing to meet his eyes as my chest tightened. “You should have warned me I would be the one getting stomped on, and maybe now I wouldn't be here trying to get day-drunk.”
Or maybe I would still be. I doubt I would have listened to him, but still, I wanted to throw the blame at someone else just so I wouldn't have to be alone in my misery.
“I never doubted you would be,” Travis said with a smile in his voice.
I finally turned to look at him with disbelief. “Not even a little support? I hope you’re a better boyfriend than a best friend, because your comforting sucks.”
Travis rolled his eyes. “Tell me what happened.”
My throat felt thick with emotion, but I still said, “He left. It might have gotten a bit too real last night, and obviously, he’s not up for it.” I swallowed before I let out a pitiful dry chuckle. “Of course he wouldn’t be. He hates me.”
“He doesn’t behave like someone that hates you.”
Did he hit his head on his way here? “Do the barbs he sends in my direction sound like sweet talk to you?”
“I don’t know what kind of sweet talk you guys get into, but I’ll tell you one thing for sure: If I hated someone I would have never moved in with them, least of all started working for them.” Travis turned to the side, leaning his forearm on the bar. “Not to mention, I see the way he looks at you.”
My stomach turned into knots. “We’re sleeping together,” I said in justification. “It’s a horny look.”
“And Dan is of course someone that sends horny looks to just anyone, right?”
I couldn’t even look at him, teeth grinding against each other. “He doesn’t want a relationship.”
“Of course he doesn’t, he’s hurt.” He looked thoughtful for a second before adding, “Look, I never told you this because I didn’t want to get into it, but from what Scott has told me, Eliot was pretty worried about him before he broke up with his ex. Dan was pretty miserable even if he hid it well, and after something like that, you wouldn’t want to risk something new with someone else.”
Scott was Travis’s boyfriend, and Eliot was his best friend and Dan’s younger brother. The thought of Dan suffering in silence over his ex made my stomach curdle. A wave of protectiveness came over me, wanting to punch a wall on his behalf.
Travis continued. “Eliot also said that over the past few weeks, it’s like Dan has been an entirely different person, a lot more himself than he has been in a long time. Guess what happened a few weeks ago?”
Hope was a bitter and terrifying thing to feel right now. “But what am I supposed to do if he doesn’t want a relationship? He ran for a reason, T.”
“That’s not your problem, though, is it? Your problem is that you’re shit scared that he’s going to reject you, because you’re not used to caring, and now that it matters, you want to quit the fight before it has even started.” He huffed. “Good thing you didn’t end up trying to become a pro boxer.”
I glared at him. “Can we get back to the pep talk and leave out the insults?”
Travis stared at me easily. “A few years ago, when I was all torn up over Scott, you were the one that told me I would never know what would happen if I didn’t try, and the same applies here.” He slid out of the bar stool, getting ready to leave me to my crisis, before looking back at me. “Just ask yourself this: can you be the guy that will fight for him the way Dan deserves? Because if you can’t, you should just let him go.”
I should. I know I should. And yet the thought of letting go of Dan, of not being there for him, of not seeing him day after day, watching me from inside the office, walking out and staring at me as he talked to other people, as we played our little games, made me even more sick to my stomach.
I knew Dan deserved the world.
And I knew I wanted to give it to him. I wanted to give him everything, I wanted to see him smile and be sassy with me, and I wanted to make him melt with my touch, I wanted him to be vulnerable and safe and cherished the way he deserved.
But was I strong enough to give it to him?
Could I stand it if finally offering myself still wasn't enough?
You won't know until you try.
Travis's words, the ones that I told him years ago, followed me all the way home.
***
As soon as I opened the door to the apartment, I almost crashed into Dan, who was about to come out, and we both stared at each other, dumbfounded. Our positions had been very much the opposite only a few hours ago, and as the tension still lingered, thick between us, we just stood there, breathing each other's air, with my heart in my throat as I noticed the redness in Dan's eyes.
I hated it. I hated seeing it and I hated the thought that I was the reason that he was like this—that he thought I just saw him as a toy and nothing more.
“Day drinking?” he asked, visibly swallowing hard only a few inches away from me.
I closed the door behind me. I didn’t want to risk him running away again, even less when Dan looked more vulnerable than ever before. It took an inhuman amount of strength to keep myself from reaching out to him. “Did you come here to pack your bags?” I asked, because I just needed to know.
Dan’s eyes snapped to mine, nostrils flaring. “Why? Did you want me to?”
My throat constricted. “I just want to know where we stand.”
“And where do you think that is?”
“I don’t know, do I?” I asked feeling bitter all of a sudden. “You’re the one that left like the devil was on your heels.”
Dan looked away. “I guess you never signed up for a toy with a will of its own, right?”
“Don’t give me that bullshit,” I snapped, pressing closer to him and bracing my arms on each side of him. “What if I told you not to leave? If I wanted to keep you here.” I said, finally shooting my shot.
“Because you want your toy available?”
“Because I want you ,” I said, wanting for him to see how he made me feel, how serious I was, how it felt like he had my heart in his hand. “I want you, not some sex toy fantasy. I only said it because I wanted to shield myself and cover up the fact that I felt too much for you when I never meant to.”
The confession, when it finally came out, felt like it was torn out of me, leaving me raw and vulnerable.
Dan shook his head, “I’m not this person, Andy.”
My stomach tightened. “What's that supposed to mean?”
“It means I'm not this outgoing, daring, impulsive, not-thinking-everything-a-thousand-times-before-actually-going-through-it Dan, it’s just an illusion. You said it yourself, didn’t you? This is just a farce and I’m just the same idiot you met, the stuck-up guy that couldn't even admit that he was into you because he knew you'd never look twice at him.”
My chest fluttered with miserable hope. “You were into me?”
“And you wanted my lips around your cock.” He gave me a dark look. “Don't even try to pretend that it wasn't just because I pissed you off with my denial.”
“You're wrong,” I said, stepping closer, wanting to extinguish all the distance between us. “You're so wrong, because while I was pissed that you hated me, it wasn't just a pride thing. My first actual thought was about how little your ex deserved you. That if I had had you, I wouldn't have ever even looked at anyone else, not for a minute, not for a second , and I was bitter because I knew that I would never get to prove it, because you would never actually look at me and see me.”
Because her ex might not have actually flirted with me, but she never tried to push me away, she considered me for a minute, and honestly? It was a minute too long when Dan was involved.
Protectiveness and possessiveness both swirled inside me.
Dan swallowed, looking at me, studying my eyes like he couldn't believe it, like he was trying to find proof that it was a lie, but he wouldn't find any. Because it wasn't.
“I don't want you to leave,” I said again. “And I'm sorry I was never brave enough to tell you how I felt, because I was scared of how much you hated me, and I thought you’d never give me a chance.” I stopped, throat tightening. “But you deserve it. You deserve every fucking good thing, Dan, and if you let me, I want to give it to you.”
I wanted to give him everything .
Dan's eyes were red again, shiny with unshed tears, and he said, “You'll get bored of me.”
“Because you think I'm a player?”
“No, because– because I'm nothing special.”
My jaw tightened. “Try me. I dare you.”
Dan stared at my lips for a second before looking back up. “You know peer pressure does nothing to me, don't you?”
“It's been working well enough for me until now, hasn’t it?” I asked, my lips twitching up, heart racing.
Dan stared at my lips again.
“I’m not going to kiss you this time, it's going to have to be you.”
His eyes shot up to mine. He bit his lip. “But what if I like it when you do it?”
He wanted to kill me, didn't he?
“I won't unless you ask me.”
I brushed my finger against his jaw, his chin.
Our eyes met and it felt like a million sparks went off inside of my chest. “Can I stay?”
“Can I keep you?” I asked, meeting his question with mine. “Will you let me keep you even if I'm a little unhinged sometimes when it comes to you, even if I'm an ass and you sort of hate me, and I want to keep you to myself all the time?”
Dan’s lips twitched up now. “I guess I'm used to the madness.”
“You didn't say you didn't hate me.”
“Because I do hate you,” he said, tugging me closer. “I hate how mad you make me, how much you twist me up and make me squirm with your asshole eyes and lips and grins…”
I couldn’t help but grin. “Yeah? Anything else?”
“Are you going to fucking kiss me or what?”
Finally . My chest felt lighter than a feather. My heart raced with delight and I couldn’t stop it.
I couldn’t stop how much I just loved this moment, everything about this man.
How much I loved Dan .
Even if I couldn’t tell him yet.
Someday, I would.
But until then, I would make sure he knew he was mine.
That I was obsessed with my grump.
And so I kissed him.
And everything was right with the world.