17 - Dan James
17
Dan James
The next day , I woke up feeling like my insides had been rearranged, not by Andy's dick, though maybe the way he had looked at me and seemed to dominate me, heart and soul, had had something to do with it. As I stared at the ceiling, alone in Andy’s bed, my skin felt like it was about to burst, and I wanted to throw up with the turmoil going on inside me.
At some point, Andy must have gotten up and gone to have a shower, ever the early bird, and now more than ever I was grateful for the distance, because with how much every inch of me asked me to run, I didn’t want to have an audience.
Last night–it had been a before and after. The way Andy had held me, looked at me all the while he pushed into me, asked me to say I was his, claimed me with every inch of him, my mind had been chanting a terrible truth I’d been ignoring for so long.
Because the problem was, I had to admit to myself that I had wanted Andy for a long time, even before I was fully aware of it. I’d probably wanted him since the second I saw him, my insides immediately going to mush, my heart racing, eyes fixated on him from the very first, and I’d most likely been trying to suppress it, just like I was doing now, because deep down, I’d known that guys like him would never pay attention to guys like me, not for long. We just weren’t made of the same stuff and I knew I wasn’t special, I wasn’t like him, magnetic, larger than life and helplessly eye-catching, and now that the truth slapped me in the face, I couldn't help but be terrified of it.
I listened as Andy was having a shower, the need to run tingling through my legs, even if it also terrified me, because then everything would be over.
For weeks, I’d been telling myself that this was temporary. A purge–I was getting Andy out of my system, this wasn’t real , I wasn’t getting attached, but the thing was— This whole thing might not be real, but the feelings trying to break out from inside my ribs very much were.
I'd come here, hoping to change myself, hoping to change the inexorable course that my life seemed to be in, the same thing day in and day out, following the rules, my old routines, everything that had taken me to my failures, and not only had I completely failed at doing what I’d come here to do, now I’d made it worse.
This was going to explode in my face. I was going to see this thing between Andy and me shatter before I was ever ready–because I would never be, and as I contemplated this, I realized…I couldn’t take it.
I just couldn’t.
It would break the last piece of me left standing after six years of failed relationship, and somehow, this felt even worse, it felt fatal, and so almost without thinking it, I was already up and out of Andy’s room, going straight to mine, where I got a change of clothes without looking too much at them.
I was almost at the door when Andy got out of the bathroom and saw me.
He was wearing his towel around his hips, his chest on full display, his darker blond hair dripping on his shoulders as he took me in, my clothes, the keys in my hand. His expression darkened. “Where are you going?”
I couldn’t look at him.“Out.”
“Out where ?”
“I need to go somewhere,” I said, putting my shoes on.
Andy walked closer. “You need to go somewhere at half-past seven in the morning on a Saturday?” he asked, voice unsteady.
The sound of it sliced through me, but I powered through. “I need to be somewhere.”
“Don’t give me bullshit. Dan–” he called out, getting hold of my forearm.
I turned around, viciously looking at him, and said, “I know you see me as your toy, but is it incomprehensible to you that I might actually have a life? Sorry I won't be available to you.”
Andy was speechless, hurt flashing in his eyes before his jaw hardened.
He didn’t reply.
So I left.
I left with my heart breaking, the hurt on his face replaying in my mind again and again as I ran down the stairs, my heart squeezing inside my chest and wanting to throw up, but I just couldn't be here, I couldn't.
***
As soon as I left, I messaged Jon, and an hour later, I was just getting done spilling all of the truth out of me like poison, hoping that it would ease the pain, but it didn't.
It only made it worse.
I told him everything: Andy’s dares, our first slip, and all the times that came after.
“So, why did you leave exactly?” Jon asked patiently, sitting in front of me on a bench at a park near his house.
“Because it was going to crash and burn?” I said, pacing in front of him, restless. “Because I wanted to save myself the annoyance of things being ruined after?”
“It doesn’t sound like it was just an annoyance,” Jon said carefully.
My throat tightened. “It doesn’t matter, the result is the same, and it—it was never supposed to become this thing. It was just casual.”
“Was it?”
I looked at Jon, startled.
“I don’t think you and Andy could do casual to save your lives, Dan.”
What? “How could we do anything but? We’re like oil and water, we’re so wrong for each other it’s not even funny.”
And what was not even funny either was the splitting sensation in my chest as I said it.
Fuck, why did I have to care so much?
“On paper, you might be wrong, but in reality? Anything but. Andy has always made you light up, brought out a part of you that made you come alive, and I don’t think that’s what being wrong for you is like.” He was quiet, then added, “In fact, I think what’s wrong for you is how miserable you were before this.”
My chest felt tight. I looked away. “I was miserable because I ruined my relationship. I deserved it.”
“No, you were miserable because the relationship was wrong for you and you couldn’t accept it, which is why I hate you’re still beating yourself up because of it.” Jon stood up and came to me. “How many times did you feel like your ex was prioritizing you? That she was in love with you, that you were in love with her, that you couldn’t wait until you saw her next or genuinely wanted to spend time with her? When did she ever make you feel special?”
“I’m not.”
“You are , Dan, you’re a great guy, and I’m not saying this just because you’re my best friend. The fact you can’t see it only speaks to how long you stayed in a relationship that was wrong for you.”
I took in a ragged breath. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll still ruin it.”
“Why will you ruin it?”
“Because it’s what I do! And—I haven’t changed at all, have I? I’ve just been playing at this going out thing just to shut Andy up, but I’m still just the same Dan as always, I’m not this Dan Andy has been getting along with.”
Jon gave me a look. “Okay, I didn’t want to say anything, but do you really need me to tell you that Andy has had a hard-on for you from the very beginning?”
My heart jumped. “He wanted to fuck me, that’s not what I’m talking about—”
“Dan, you don’t get it, do you? Andy was never even looking for a roommate, he simply jumped at the opportunity and offered once Travis told him—just the way I thought that he would, which is why we set this up.”
I stopped.
I looked at him. “You what.”
Jon rolled his eyes at me, even if he looked a little chagrined. “It wasn’t so much ‘setting it up’ as…following a hunch. And setting things in motion.” He looked at me very seriously again. “But this thing between you two? This mess, these feelings? That’s all you.”
I felt like I couldn't breathe. I turned around, pacing slowly, hands on my hips, trying to organize the mess of my thoughts.
This felt too good to be real. It felt like I finally had to see that Andy’s actions hadn’t been as self-serving as I initially imagined them to be, thinking he was only in it to watch me when my life had crumbled, and I had to admit that I’d already been suspecting it, even if I hadn’t wanted to really consider it.
Deep down, I’d known that Andy wasn’t really an asshole, not the way I’d wanted him to be, and now more than ever I knew it wasn’t true.
He was thoughtful and took care of the people he cared about. The people in his gym? They were like a damn family, and they worshiped him, everyone had only good things to say about him, even his friends at the bar.
Our friends.
The truth that might hide behind this was almost too scary to contemplate, and it made the awful feeling in my chest only grow.
Because I just—I didn’t want Andy to be miserable the way I’d been. I didn’t want to ruin another relationship, I wouldn’t be able to stand the pain of being the cause of it, not when I already cared so much, not when it felt like happiness and comfort were so close when Andy was taking care of me.
As if Jon could hear my thoughts, he walked closer to me and turned me around, hands on my shoulders.
“Some relationships are not meant to work, no matter how hard you want them to, but you and Andy? You’ve always worked. And I decided to go with this because of a hunch, but it needs to be you who decides to be brave here, man. You need to decide to trust.”
Trust.
An alien feeling.
Alien but for every time I’d been with Andy, under his care, under his hands.
I wanted to believe that there was something more to it, but could I?
Could I risk it?
Could I risk everything crashing and burning, again, and with Andy , someone that in just a few weeks had managed to claw his way around my heart, twist himself inside me until I didn't know if I could ever get him out?
Could I trust?