Chapter thirty-four
What a way to start a final battle: a conversation with your sort of ex-boyfriend who was never really your boyfriend because he was pretending just to appease an evil god in his head.
Simon, Henry, and I stand awkwardly side-by-side. It’s good to see Simon; we haven’t talked since London, and so much has changed since then. The bags are gone from his eyes, and his shirt is ironed and tucked in. His hair has been combed back. He is doing better, and though I didn’t expect his appearance, it’s a welcome sight.
It’s nice to see that he’s doing better, but I don’t rejoice at his presence; guilt holds me back. I told him that I would fix everything. I told him that I would kill Aris. And in the end, I couldn’t.
Simon stands here now and kindly does not tell me that I was wrong, the proof of which being the flirty, evil god standing beside Sem. It can’t be easy for Simon to see Aris after what he did to the Institute, and to the world. I’ll admit, it isn’t easy seeing Simon next to Henry, either. It takes me back to a different time.
What’s next for the two of them?
Henry glances at me, and I suddenly take great interest in our surroundings. The four of us are in one of the smaller rooms the castle. It’s a room I haven’t been in before, and it smells like old buildings do, like dampness and earth. Above us, Aris’ followers walk about, packing and readying themselves for the adventure of a lifetime, unaware of the melodrama playing out beneath them. Their stomps penetrate the tense air, a reminder of our purpose.
My attention switches, and I turn to see Sem walking toward us humans, her focus on me. “You know your part?” asks Sem.
“Keep him talking.”
“Yes, and lead him into the circle.” She nods at the complex spiral of chalk runes on the ground. Soon, we’ll cover them with a rug. “Once he’s inside, the magic will leave him and he will be bound to the circle. It won’t last long, so we must act quickly.”
She has told us the plan several times before, but I nod along. I will go through it as many times as she wants; I don’t blame her for being thorough. Everything rests on me. The slightest misstep on my part, and disaster falls.
She turns to the mages. “Do you agree to bear witness?”
Henry and Simon nod. They are taller than her, Henry bulkier, but I am fascinated to note how they bend toward Sem, as if they are just as affected by her presence as I am. Hypnotised, spellbound.
Jaegen and Aris change the temperature of the air; they change its weight and make it pulse and pound until merely standing next to them feels like a marathon has been run. Sem, on the other hand, changes nothing of her surroundings. What she does, instead, is make the world around her more comfortable and desirable.
Sem gestures to a dimly lit corner. “Stay over there, and do not interfere. I will keep you invisible to Jaegen’s perception.”
“I can cloak us,” protests Henry, who promptly balks, realizing he talked back to a goddess—the goddess of magic, at that.
But Sem only smiles—not charmed, but patient. “I would prefer it if I did it myself. Do not worry; it will not fail.”
Before he can say anything else, Simon grabs Henry by the arm and drags him to the corner of the room, muttering something under his breath. I watch them for a moment, seeing an echo of myself following after them. I blink and that apparition is gone.
Sem returns her attention to me. “Keep your thoughts simple,” she says softly, though this is one of the most crucial elements. “Do not allow him to suspect the ambush.”
I nod. “Of course.”
I’ve had some practice shielding my thoughts by now, though there’s always room for improvement. I glance at Aris to get his take, but he’s turned away, crouching to suspect the magic chalked into the ground. Checking Sem’s work.
Sem gives me an amused glance before stepping aside, pretending to care about a bookshelf, idly picking up a small, green book. Giving us privacy.
I walk to Aris and pop a squat a few inches from the circle. “It’s not like you to have second thoughts,” I comment.
“I’m not having second thoughts.” He doesn’t look away from the runes, eyes narrowed, fixed on every minuscule detail. Leaving nothing to chance. “I’m only thinking.”
“About what?”
“That I do not like the thought of you as bait.” His jaw juts. “Have you considered it? Say the circle fails. He could hurt you before I intervene.”
“Don’t tell me you’re worried about me.”
Aris tears himself from his task to give me a look that tells me what he thinks of my teasing.
I can’t help but smile, even under his glower. “The magic is fine, Aris,” I say, and resist the urge to reach out to touch him. The dormant urge to comfort him and seek comfort from him lashes, but I keep it on its leash.
Not in front of Simon. Not in front of Henry. They would never understand why I’d willingly touch him. No one understands.
“Sem knows what she’s doing,” I say after a moment. “Besides, I’m immortal now. He can’t kill me.”
“You can still feel pain. I do not appreciate that thought.”
Aris gets to his feet before I can respond, which was probably by design. I doubt that he meant to say that and is regretting showing vulnerability in front of his sister—in front of anyone.
I stay in my position for a little longer, even as Aris rejoins Sem. The fact that he is worried is concerning, and it’s not like I haven’t considered the possibility of Jaegen getting his hands on me. I’ll admit, I’m scared. Jaegen is terrifying. He’s huge and powerful even without magic. He’s hurt me before, and it’s easy to imagine him doing it again.
But I have faith.
Even if Sem wanted to double-cross us, Aris has inspected the runes. The circle will work; it will hold, and he will not get me. All I have to do is get Jaegen inside.
“Are you ready?” Sem asks suddenly, placing a hand on my shoulder. I notice that even her nails are purple—a lighter shade.
I stand, exchanging a brief glance with Aris. He has stepped to the side, watching the two of us keenly. “Yeah,” I say.
With that, a rug appears out of thin air and rolls itself out as if alive. Large, with a Turkish pattern, it covers the circle entirely. It’s dusted and dated, fitting the decor of the room so it doesn’t appear out of place.
“Then, we will begin,” she says softly.
Sem turns invisible, and I glance at where Aris just stood, finding nothing. Henry and Simon are gone as well. If I were to walk over, I’d bump into them, but they cannot be seen.
Even though I know that they’re here, I feel alone. I don’t even have the icky feeling one gets when they’re certain that they’re being watched. I entertain the brief, stupid thought that this was all a joke and they’ve left me here to die.
Goosebumps raise on my arms, a shiver running through me as the temperature suddenly drops. It raises a moment later, and I recognize the sensations for what they are: Aris, saying hello. Saying: I am here.
I take a breath, fingers twiddling at my sides. And I say, “Jaegen.”
Another breath.
I clear my throat and then repeat, louder, “Jaegen. I know you can hear me. I know you are attuned to me.”
The room stays awkwardly empty, with no evil god present; my lips purse at the observation. Now, assured that Aris is still here, I feel self-conscious, like a child calling out for Bloody Mary.
No one gave me magic to bring Jaegen here. There is no portal or rune; that would make him suspicious. After all, I don’t know magic. If I used it, I’d have to have gotten the spell from someone. Who ? he’d wonder.
And he must suspect nothing. He must think: Here she os, the stupid little mortal, calling for him.
And I know that he is angry enough that he will listen.
“Aris and I are leaving this world.” I pause. I’ve spent the past hour thinking of what would enrage a god the most to hear, and I try my first phrase: “I picked him. Not you.”
Still… nothing.
My lips press together. Next phrase, then. I’m used to pissing off gods on accident, not on purpose, but I have a natural affinity for getting under their immortal skin. I know what drives Aris, and I know what Jaegen wants, too—because I know what he doesn’t have.
It’s why he wanted to kill his sister. It’s why he went after his brother. It’s what he was created to do, an assignment that he cannot stand.
“You lost,” I continue, turning in a circle, not knowing where in the room to look, “and now, all you can do is… watch .”
There is another long moment where nothing happens. I open my mouth to start mocking him further, and then my head begins to spin. My skin goes clammy, sweaty, and I know that he is here.
I hear him before I see him. The words spear my mind with the force of a cyclone: You broke our bargain.
He yells so loudly that my skull pangs and my vision spins and I nearly pass out. I reach to grab the bookshelf, stabilizing myself as blood dribbles out my nose—I know it is blood without even looking.
Through the dark spots in my eyes, I see him before me, in all his might. Seven feet of pure muscle and a face contorted with rage, dark skin slick as if oiled. The air around him is so hot that it visibly trembles—or I could just be having an aneurism.
I swallow back the saliva gathering in my mouth and the rush of nausea, pushing off of the bookshelf. I stand to my full height and barely reach his bare chest. His biceps are as big as my head.
None of this is surprising. I’ve seen him before; I’ve felt his anger before. What’s new is the look in his gold eyes. I’ve never seen that much hate before, and that’s saying something. Even when I confronted my mother, even when Aris learned of my deceit, the hate was not so concentrated; the loathing was not so palpable.
This is beyond the desire to murder—to torture, even, and my throat bobs. I am immortal now, but, as Silva reminded me so long ago, death can be a boon. If Jaegen gets his hands on me, I will never stop feeling pain.
His teeth are bared, and they look yellow and sharper than usual—lupine. “You pathetic, mindless little human,” growls Jaegen, citrine eyes glowing. He reaches for me and I scurry out of his grasp, my legs almost giving out from the sudden movement.
I laugh to downplay the pain. "Millions of years old, and that's all you can think to say?”
The temperature flares so hot so suddenly that my vision whites out for a moment. When I can see again, my shirt is sticking to my skin, and a bead of sweat runs down my temple. I don’t know how much more of this I can take before my skin melts from my bones and burns and blackens.
He takes a step closer to me. Just a step, but it makes my knees shake. I am reminded that, despite the human form he inhabits, he is not one of us. He wears ears and eyes the way children done fangs on Halloween. He is a concept. He is more .
And I am…
“You ant,” he spits, his skin flaring. From its darker tone, it glows orange, and then red, and I wince from the heat, backing up again.
My chest hurts from my heart racing too fast. I’ve felt like this before—anxiety, panic attacks—but no. This is something else. No doctor would believe me, they’d say I’m too young, but I think I’m having an actual heart attack.
I grip my sternum. “Am I really just like all your other ants?” I almost say: Did those ants outsmart you?
But I lose my nerve.
He walks toward me, a single step that almost kills me. “You turn to him because you think he loves you. How twisted and depraved. You are his pet .”
I take a step back. “Pets are replaceable,” I tell him. It is an effort to speak; I will never let him know this. “I’m not.”
His brows raise, then lower as rage overwhelms disbelief. “You really believe that. Foolish child, Sem made you; she can make another. How long do you think Aris would mourn your absence before he requests a new human? This one, let’s say, blonder, taller, thicker. Better .”
The words twist at something in my gut, and his lips quirk; he knows he hit his mark. He has been in my mind and perused it to his heart’s content. He knows my insecurities, and he wields them not unlike a sword.
I shove my feelings aside. “He would mourn me for a long time,” I reply, and Jaegen laughs in my face.
“We’ll see.” He smiles, and his canines look even longer. I am not proud of the flush of fear that goes through me. “You have made it far, Mary. Farther than I think anyone expected. But your novelty has worn off, wouldn’t you say?”
“I don’t know if… I’d agree with that.” My heart is thundering in my ears. I can hardly talk. I feel like I’m about to pass out.
“It doesn’t matter what you agree with anymore.”
Tan hands morph into razor-sharp claws at his sides. Each is as long as a kitchen knife and as sharp as a razor; it would take little effort to run me through and be done with it, but he doesn’t want this to be quick.
“You ruined everything,” he says, confirming my thoughts.
His body tenses, preparing to lunge, so I say quickly, stumbling backward, “There’s just one thing that I-I don’t understand.”
He prowls closer, head tilted to the side. His eyes glow like his skin. “I’ll oblige one question.”
“Why couldn’t you let us be happy?” I ask, clutching my chest tighter, moving back again… inching, inching… “Aris and I… We weren’t hurting anyone in Hawaii. We weren’t doing anything . We could’ve stayed like that.”
“A plan is a plan, and, unlike you, I carry mine to fruition.”
“But I helped you. Where’s your sense of loyalty?”
“Loyalty!” His eyes flash, and his claws change color—no, he’s just heating them into sweltering tips. “You don’t know the meaning of the word.”
“And you do?” I say shakily. “I think your siblings would beg to differ.”
He jumps forward, raising his claws to pierce my chest, and I shut my eyes, bracing for the agony. What does it matter? He’s fully in the circle.
A few painful heartbeats, and I remain un-skewered.
My eyes open one at a time to see Jaegen before me with narrowed eyes. “Circle?” he says.
I use the last of my remaining energy to jump out, landing on my knees. The second I touch the ground, the others are revealed: Sem standing directly in front of Jaegen with the necklace in the palm of her hand, Aris beside me, mouth twisted with distaste, and Simon and Henry in the corner, watching intently.
Aris helps me up, his cold hands a drink of water on a summer’s day. Immediately, I feel a thousand times better: the heat is gone, my chest is light, and my vision is clear.
I want to shut my eyes and stand like this forever, basking in my health, but Sem brings me back to the present. Aris still does not let go of me.
“Hello, Jaegen,” she says quietly.
Jaegen’s reaction to seeing his sister and learning she’s alive is different from Aris’—not completely divorced, as they were both surprised, but Aris’ shock gave way to anger. Here, Jaegen’s eyes widen with… fear.
I suppose I’d react similarly if I encountered the person I thought I murdered.
“Sem,” he whispers. He raises his hand to reach for her, claws and glowing skin now gone, but he pauses as he hits an invisible barrier. The air ripples as it did moments ago when it was affected by his heat, shifting in a way that reveals the border of the circle he’s within—the circle that’s stopping him from leaving.
His eyes narrow. “What is this?”
“Hello, brother,” says Aris, unflinching under Jaegen’s murderous gaze. Aris wiggles the fingers of his free hand in a wave. “ This is what the humans call ‘karma.’”
Jaegen finally notices the pendant in Sem’s hand. His eyes shoot to my neck, to Sem, and he blinks once. Twice. “My magic—”
“ Your magic?” says Aris .
“—it’s gone,” Jaegen finishes, as if Aris didn’t interrupt. “What’s happening? Sem…”
“I did not make this decision lightly,” says Sem.
The two look at one another. The fear is wiped from Jaegen’s expression now, replaced with incredulity and something like hurt. Sem’s eyes are misty, too. It’s strange to think that they might care about each other.
“You let me believe I consumed you,” Jaegen says.
“I had to.”
“Why?”
“Because of your ambition. I suspected, given my magic, that you would perform outside of your domain, and you did. The second you could, you used Order to suit your own needs.”
I stare at the back of Sem’s shimmering dress grimly. There it is, the crux of her plan: How do you trick an all-powerful being? Not with brute force, not with outright deceit, but by softly nudging them toward their own defeat.
You test their ambition, and let that ambition destroy them.
His chest puffs as he lets out a long breath. Jaegen says, with accusation, “That’s why the magic did not bend to my will; you lived, still.”
“I did,” she replies, now more composed. “And I have witnessed your behavior; you are out of control.”
“ Me ?” Jaegen demands. His anger has started to heat the air again, though it remains cool by Aris. Though trapped in the circle, the effects of Jagen’s presence are not gone entirely, only muted. “All I wanted was to help these people!”
“And did you help them?” she says.
Jaegen pauses, the look on his face such that I find myself moving closer to Aris. Aris’ hold on me tightens. “You let him act without checks!” Jaegen finally barks. “He would have destroyed them utterly.”
“I have a check in place,” replies Sem.
Jaegen stares at his sister for a moment, shocked. “The girl? You’re talking about her ?”
If the moment weren’t so tense, I might voice my offense.
“ You ,” continues Sem, “have no check. And, unlike you, Aris has never violated his construct. All he has sought is Chaos. That is something I cannot fault him for.”
“Sem—” he tries.
“Jaegen.”
The firmness in her tone makes my spine straighten. So far, she’s been nothing but pleasant and alluring. Now, she sounds like a parent reprimanding a child, but one step further. It’s clear she doesn’t want to hurt Jaegen but she certainly will.
“All you have wanted is to leave an impact, because it is the one thing you can never do,” says Sem. “That was made clear to us from the beginning. You understood it, and you should have accepted it. Whether you find this unfair or not, whether you wish to retaliate, that has never mattered. You are the Watcher, and you were meant only to Watch. But, you have acted. You have gotten what you wanted, brother, and you must be punished for it.”
Jaegen says nothing, a nameless emotion in his eyes. Had he not been so cruel, I might empathize. He was created to observe Chaos and Order, unable to interfere when he thought either went too far. All he ever wanted was to interfere, to make his own impact, and he finally has.
It has cost him everything.
Sem raises the amulet by its pendant, holding the dark stone in front of Jaegen’s face. He has enough time for his lips to part, perhaps beginning a sneer, before he disappears.
He doesn’t become mist or smoke. He doesn’t transform.
He’s just there one moment and gone the next.
All is quiet.
I stare at the place where Jaegen once stood, shocked. I’ve been fooled so many times that I’m half expecting him to appear with his own deus ex machina plan, some scheme that goes back further than Sem’s. I’m waiting for him to snap his meaty fingers and for Sem and Aris to disappear inside the necklace instead.
Unnerved by my thoughts, I look at Aris and am relieved by the sight. Shoulders back, head raised, tall, sturdy. He is not at all uncertain.
Sem turns around, face withdrawn, eyes distant, and Aris steps toward her, finally releasing me. The two speak quietly about what happens next, logistical words that sound like bees in my ears.
I keep blinking at where Jaegen stood, still just… surprised. Relief is not something I’m used to feeling; hope is a dangerous, biting creature. Without noticing, I walk to the wall, leaning against it for support.
“Mary.”
I look up and immediately straighten at the sight of Henry and Simon. My eyes go to Henry first. He has his hands buried deep in the pockets of his pants, lips pursed, blue eyes fixed on me. For whatever reason, it feels bizarre that I ever thought I loved him.
He is… wrong. We were wrong. I tried to shove mismatched pieces together, to create something that never could be. For years, I crushed on him from inside a cage. I read into signs that meant, essentially, nothing. He deceived me, but I’m not entirely blameless. I have never been blameless.
And yet, I don’t feel angry with myself any longer. Or him, really.
I look at Simon, who offers me a closed lip smile that isn’t much of a smile at all. It’s the kind of look one gives a stranger when eyes inadvertently connect on a subway. The thought makes me sad.
“Yes?” I say quietly.
Henry glances at something over my shoulder and, without looking, I know that Aris is staring in our direction, probably waiting for the slightest misstep on Henry’s part so he can vaporize the mage once and for all.
I look behind me quickly and, indeed, Aris is staring at us. He doesn’t even avert his gaze when I catch him, utterly shameless.
I can handle this, I tell him.
His lips purse, he pauses for a moment, and Aris returns to his conversation with Sem.
When I face the pair again, Henry is staring at me, a thoughtful look on his face. “You’re different,” he remarks.
“We’re all different now.” I pause, trying to think of the right thing to say next. “I wanted to say that I’m sorry, about the Institute. ”
He shoves his hands deeper into his pockets. A nervous tick, or is his wand down in there? Is he casting spells—preparing to shoot something should I say the wrong thing?
I feel Aris focus on me again as Henry says, “Thank you.”
I watch him and wait for him to say something else, something more. It wasn’t your fault, Mary. I’m sorry about what I did, Mary. Be well. Be happy, Mary.
But he just keeps his hands in his pockets.
How interesting: I don’t even care about him anymore, and he still finds a way to disappoint me.
“Did you want to talk to me about something?” I finally ask.
“I heard that you’re leaving.” He hesitates, and I wonder who told him. Sem, maybe. “I wanted to say bye, I suppose. It doesn’t feel right not saying it.”
I feel a little awkward now, since it’s not a sentiment that I share. Whatever he’s trying to do, whatever closure he seeks, it’s beyond me.
“Well…” He pushes his hands out of his pockets to offer me a hand to shake, and, after a pause, I accept it.
His hand feels unfamiliar and too warm.
Henry lets go. “Good-bye, Mary. Good luck.”
He doesn’t tack on what we’re both thinking: You’re going to need it .
My answering smile is tight, and Henry nods before patting his fellow mage on the shoulder and walking to give us some privacy.
“Where will you go?” asks Simon.
“I don’t know. Some place where Aris won’t bother anyone again.”
Simon raises a brow. “Here’s hoping.” We share a brief smile, but it doesn’t last long. I was right before: we’re all different now. Who I was a few months ago when I spoke with Simon in London is a person I don’t recognize. While I’ve been with Aris, Simon has led his own life—one I know nothing about.
I don’t know anything about him, really. I don’t understand him, and I don’t think he even likes me. It feels like he was assigned the role of “friend” and could never figure out how to play the part.
“Did Aris tell you to look out for me at the Institute?” I ask. The question has been in me for some time now. “Did he somehow communicate with you through a dream or through Henry?”
Simon stares at me like I’m speaking a different language, but it isn’t a deterrent. I finish, “Did you ever want to be my friend?”
He looks over my shoulder. At Aris. And then, he smiles the public-transport smile again. “You know the answer to that,” Simon tells me.
To his credit, he does sound sorry.
“Okay,” I say.
“For what it’s worth…” he starts, then sighs. “You got some crap cards dealt. I don’t think you deserved any of it.”
I think about what Sem told me, her apology.
“Someone had to live this life,” I say to him. “And I’ve got a long one ahead of me.”
He purses his lips. “Take care of yourself, Mary.”
“You, too.”
Simon watches me for a moment longer before rejoining Henry. By now, Henry has a portal up and running. Neither spare a glance back before stepping into it. A few seconds pass, and then the gray mass shifts into the door it once was, revealing an unlit hallway behind it.
I stare at the space they inhabited and go to touch my amulet, seeking comfort. But all I find is skin.
I turn back to Sem and Aris, who are still having a conversation.
“I’ll return in a few days to see you off,” says Sem.
“You do not need to do that,” Aris replies sourly.
Sem smiles. “Yes, but I would like to.” She winks at me, disappearing into a shimmering mist.
Aris shakes his head, then turns his penetrating gaze onto me. There is a question in there, a challenge. He’s wondering how I will react after what Simon told me.
My eyes go to the rug on the ground, and the circle beneath it. A villain, vanquished. A chapter of my life, ended. My hand twitches at my side, wanting to touch the scarring on my back where the runes used to lie.
Aris holds out his hand, redirecting my attention. “We’ve vanquished a foe,” he says. “I think that calls for a drink for you, hmm?”
After a pause, I take the hand, allowing him to interlace our fingers—just like used to hold hands. It’s strange, to mourn someone when they’re still alive. Mourning who they used to be.
He looks at our interlocked hands, and maybe he is also thinking of who I was when I didn’t have my memory. Who I will never be again.
I almost smile. It’s like we were in love triangles with ourselves.
“Let’s have that drink,” I say.