Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
Folami
“Where should we hang this one, Mama?” Itanya’s sweet voice drifted lazily through my thoughts, tumbling over each other in earnest.
“Hmm?” I asked, pulling myself into the present with a herculean effort.
“My new picture. Where should we hang it?” There was no impatience, just an understanding that went far beyond that of her nine years. Itanya blinked her large eyes slowly, her gaze flicking over the tormented expression I couldn’t disguise.
I plastered a smile on my face, but it was as fake as it felt. The corners of my lips dropped as soon as I saw Itanya’s furrowed brow.
“Well, let me see it first,” I said, gesturing to the paper clutched in her hand. She blinked twice, clearing the clouds and questions from her eyes, before handing me the picture she’d just spent hours drawing.
The walls of our rooms were covered with Itanya’s illustrations and paintings; her beautiful artwork nearly concealed the garish red wallpaper beneath. It was a marked improvement in decor, something Peytor pointed out nearly every day.
My heart thumped erratically as my breath quickened at the thought of Peytor. For some reason, I felt like I was betraying him with my sudden attraction and . . . curiosity about Lex d’Talionis.
“Mama? What do you think? Where should we hang it?” Itanya broke through the haze of my thoughts once more.
I cleared my throat and fluffed the picture so I could see it clearly, resolving to stay present in this moment. My duties as her mother didn’t stop simply because I was burdened.
My heart sank immediately.
The drawing was, as usual, beautifully done—Itanya had honed her artistic craft over the years, choosing to stay holed up in some room or other and doodle while I tended to my business as the Matriarch’s and then Torin’s lead general.
In stunning clarity was the memory of this morning. Lex was etched as Itanya saw him—propped up on more than a few pillows in his room, head thrown back in laughter. Itanya had drawn him in vivid detail, going as far as to sketch the corded muscles on his forearms and the veins in his hands.
But it wasn’t even Lex’s likeness that stopped me cold.
It was my own.
Next to the bed was a rather flattering image of myself; arms propped on the bed, body leaned toward Lex with a brilliant smile plastered on my face. Though the picture was done in charcoal, I could practically see the vibrant color oozing from the page.
I looked enthralled, happy even.
“This is beautiful,” I finally whispered, knowing my daughter would want some sort of feedback on her art. My voice was hoarse as emotion burned at my eyes, and I cleared my throat as I rose from my chair, intent on pushing those wayward feelings back down.
I searched for a place on the wall for her newest creation.
Part of me wanted to bury it beneath the hundreds of other charcoal likenesses, never to see the light of day.
But my stomach rebelled at even that thought.
Selfishly, I wanted it displayed prominently. Somewhere I could see it every day and be reminded of the joy I’d felt in that moment with Lex, Ilyas, and my daughter.
Guilt ate at me again, a desperate gnawing that consumed every happy thing.
Guilt over the potential of choosing Lex over Peytor.
Guilt over sacrificing my initial goal of eliminating the Mages from the Warlord’s army.
Guilt over actually entertaining the idea of Bonding Lex and entering into a union that had harmed me so deeply in the past.
“Mama?”
“Why’d you draw this?” I asked.
“It felt right.” Itanya shrugged. “Like I was called to draw it. To show it to you.”
I laughed quietly, shaking my head so my beads rattled against my back.
“And why might that be, Itanya?” I asked, glancing over my shoulder. She had the wherewithal to look at least a bit contrite, but it all evaporated with a small shrug.
“You’ve been different since you came home. But you were the happiest I’d ever seen you this morning. I think you needed to be reminded of that.”
I turned to face my child fully, watching her fierce face that held so much love for me.
“Come here,” I said, opening my arms and gesturing with my fingers for her to hug me.
She complied immediately, her feet padding quickly across the plush carpet to wrap her arms around my body. I held her to me, simply breathing in her slightly sweet scent, relishing in the feeling of her heart beating against my stomach.
“I love you, Itanya,” I said, hoping the depth of my emotions was adequately conveyed through my words.
“And I love you, Mama,” she replied, turning her face to press a kiss against my lower ribcage. “You know it’s okay to love more than one person, right? That just because you might feel something for Lex doesn’t mean you love me or Daddy any less. I like Lex. He makes you laugh, makes you happy.”
My daughter was wise beyond her years, and I laughed ruefully at the fact that she could both understand and process those emotions.
It was a skill that I was certain would serve her later in life.
I said nothing, just clutched her a little tighter and dropped a kiss onto her curls.
“Now, let’s find a place to hang this where we can see it,” I said, releasing my daughter. I turned, looking at the wall once more, but not before I saw a small, sly smile curving Itanya’s lips.
She might be meddlesome, but she was my meddlesome little girl, and I’d do anything to keep her safe, keep her smiling, keep her surrounded by love.
Even if that meant Bonding a too-enticing-for-his-own-good Pleasure Mage.