4.
I didn’t think I could love her any more than I already do, but what Cignette just said to me – it has completely stripped me of that notion.
Because what I feel for her is beyond comprehensible.
It’s something that can’t be expressed in words, nor can it be shown.
It’s a thing that’s singed into my very blood, and it hums when she’s near me.
It breathes life into the dark crevices of my fucked-up heart, and it encourages it to keep beating.
I cup her jaw and pull her face to mine, and watch as her lips part in a silent gasp. “God, I don’t deserve you,” I tell her, and mean it. “But fuck if I’ll stop myself from having you. I’m a greedy man when it comes to you, and I’ll continue to consume you until I no longer can.”
She grins. “Take it all, Ledger, ‘cause I ain’t going anywhere.”
“Good.” I give her a kiss, tasting mint and sweat on her.
“I’m sorry, but are we ruining a moment or something?” comes Alex’s voice.
Cignette and I turn towards the patio, and find Varsha and Alex making their way to us.
“It doesn’t make sense for you to ask about it after having ruined it already, does it?” I retort.
“You are just as much a dickhead as you are well-spoken, aren’t you?”
“Comes with the territory of being your babysitter, I suppose.”
Alex pretends to gag, then rolls his eyes, and as him and Varsha get closer, I notice how he absentmindedly fidgets with the silver wedding band on his left ring finger.
He hasn’t taken it off yet, and I’ve noticed recently that he often messes with it without even realizing that he’s doing it.
Him and Jayce were inseparable. They were polar opposites, but somehow, they just went together, and went together really well.
I think about, and let myself feel Jayce’s loss every single day, but I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for Alex.
We do talk about it, but it’s still impossible for me to discern the depth of what he’s experiencing.
I can be there for him, stand with him, but what I can’t do is ease the pain I know he still feels.
I really wish I could, but unfortunately for us, life doesn’t work like that.
Alex is strong, yes, but ever since Jayce’s passing, he hasn’t been the man he was before.
I don’t see the same glimmer in his bright eyes anymore, nor do I hear him crack the jokes he always used to.
He was the life of our crew, but lately, he’s been more reserved, more…
distant. And I understand that loss and grief change a person, but it hurts me to see that he’s given up on the spark that always lit him up and made him, him .
And yet, I’m so goddamn proud of him for waking up every morning and putting one foot in front of the other, because at the end of the day, that’s the only thing that matters to me and the others.
“You get the kill details yet?” asks Varsha, and her voice instantly pulls me out of my momentary trance.
I clear my throat and give her a nod. “Yeah.” Sliding my phone out of my jeans, I open up the email from Magner containing all the information, and am about to start telling the crew about the mission when Solo’s name flashes across my screen in an incoming call from him.
I turn my phone towards Cigs and wiggle it in front of her, and when she sees what I’m trying to show her, her face contorts into a scowl, which in turn makes me chuckle.
“Solo,” I say after receiving the call.
“Hey, kid.”
“Do you honestly just have impeccable timing, or are you secretly stalking me?”
He scoffs. “Don’t flatter yourself. I simply called to get all the possible info on tonight’s kills so that I can do my research and polish you idiots up on any missed facts.”
“How very generous of you.”
“Glad to hear you’re just as dense as you were yesterday,” he remarks.
I grin. “You’ve taught me well.”
“Hey, dick-weasel,” Cignette cuts in from next to me. “Or do you prefer ‘worthless piece of shit’?”
Solo laughs, and the sound cracks to static against the speaker. “Well, that’s mild, even for you.”
“Don’t worry, I’m merely warming up.”
“Lord save me,” he quips.
Cignette scowls again. “You should be here, you know,” she tells Solo. “This is our first mission after–”
“The four of you have got this,” he states resolutely, and I sigh because I know he’s right, but I also agree with Cignette.
“That’s not an excuse for you to be absent, Solo,” she argues. “You need to–”
“Can we please just discuss the kills?” Alex says a little too loudly, surprising us all. “ Please ,” he then adds, and averts his gaze from mine when I look at him.
“Right,” Varsha all but chirps, which is very unlike her. “Give us the target names already, Dor.” She then proceeds to shoot daggers at Cignette, who grimaces in silent apology and physically takes a step back so as to shift closer to me.
I clear my throat and start telling the crew about the kills.
I begin with Timothy, then move on to Selina, and finally – because I knew it would strike a nerve in all of us – I tell them about Jedediah.
Silence fills the air after I’m done, thickening it.
Solo remains quiet as well, knowing he can’t contribute an input on this.
There’s a weight of something similar, something shared that presses against my chest as I watch Alex, Varsha, and Cigs, all lost in thought as they process every detail.
We’ve all been maimed by men in our lives – those who thought they could win over us because in their eyes, we were weak.
Because in their minds, we were things to be used, to be tortured and abused, both mentally and physically.
I’ll never forget the smell of my blood from all those years ago; all the pain I endured, and the knots in my stomach from the nights where hunger was the greatest enemy I had to face, among others.
And my crew has seen horrors of their own – all brutal and soul-chilling – but that doesn’t mean they are immune to them.
If anything, our hardships have made us feel more, understand more.
They’ve taught us to keep our empathy alive, but only for those who need it, and not for those who deceitfully ask for it.
As humans, we have instincts – ones that give us a sense of truths and lies.
Some of us are unfazed enough to pick one of the other in dire situations, while others choose to ignore the signs and continue to stay in the dark.
The crew and I are better now because we decided that we were enough; that we deserved the complete opposite of the behavior with which we were being treated.
And in this lifetime, if we can bring a few of the many offenders out there to their knees and make them realize the extremity of their wrongs, then we’ll do it. And we won’t fucking hesitate.
Solo lets go of a breath, and I hear the soft groaning of leather on the other side. “Estate exits?” he asks by way of a diversion.
“Main door, foyer, and Aras’s bedroom on the first floor,” I answer.
“You decided on a kill order yet?”
My crew looks at me all at once, and for some reason, that makes me pause for a second.
Fuck.
“Dor?” says Solo.
“Yeah.” I swallow. “Yeah, I have.” I rub a hand over my jaw to release some of the tension there.
“According to Aras, Jedediah is a top-priority kill. So, it makes sense to finish him off first, since Aras has promised the rest of the payment after receiving proof of Jedediah’s death.
Once he’s done with, it would only be natural to target Selina next.
I say we go for Timothy last, since his death could create quite a ruckus among the guests, given his family’s status in this city. ”
“And we leave immediately after we’re done with him to avoid the state of panic that will most likely ensue,” Cignette adds.
I nod. “Precisely. We signed up for the kills, not for the damage control that’ll come after. We do our job and get out, period.”
“I’m good with it, so long as we don’t accidentally encounter Timothy first,” Alex adds.
“Why would we?” Varsha asks. “And let’s say we do, then we’ll keep track of him but stay away until it’s his turn.”
“It’s not that easy,” Solo states. “He’s young, restless. If he finds a hot body to take home early on, he might not stay for the Founder’s Day fireworks. He’s notorious for his fuckboy lifestyle, after all.”
“What else do you know about him?” Cignette asks.
“Not much, unfortunately. But I’ll do as much digging as I can before you kids head for the Lutkus estate tonight. I’ll keep you posted.”
“Thanks, Solo,” I say, then face my crew. “You guys ready for this?”
“Hell yeah,” Varsha says.
Alex nods, then gently nudges my shoulder with his. “Always got your back, boss.”
I smile and ruffle his hair, then look to my right when Cignette twines her hand with mine and shifts towards me.
“We’ve got this,” she says, then uses her other hand to cup the side of my neck. “ You’ve got this. I know you fucking do.”
I bend and press my forehead to hers, then let go of a sigh. “I know,” I whisper, then close my eyes. “I know.”