Chapter 37 Declan #5
“His Captain gave them to me before we left, and I was instructed to give them to him as we neared the border. The scouts changed the timing, but not the orders. They were sealed, and Declan was told to keep their contents to himself. What I can say is that his mission is extremely sensitive,
and he won’t be continuing with us from this point. He needs to leave immediately, so say your goodbyes now.”
Atikus patted me on the shoulder, but his eyes tracked Ayden, whose stare bore a hole in my chest.
Sil and Ridley offered me a respectful nod and offered their thanks for Ayden’s guidance in the mountains.
Keelan strode over and grabbed me in a tight, awkward hug. “Be careful, little brother. You’re all the family I’ve got.”
As we pulled apart, I was surprised to find a tear forming in Keelan’s eye. Something lodged in my throat.
“Kee, walk with me?”
Keelan cocked his head, then nodded.
I led us a few dozen paces away from the group and struggled to meet Keelan’s eyes.
“Dec, what’s going on? What is it?”
“Keelan, I’m sorry.” I tried to order my thoughts, but I hadn’t rehearsed any of this, and words tumbled out.
“I’m sorry about the other night, for ever thinking you were anything but my big brother who wanted to protect me. I’m sorry I was so angry and bitter for all those years, and that I never talked to you about how hard I fought, how much I struggled. I’m . . . I’m just so sorry.”
Those last words squeaked out in barely a whisper.
Both of us had tears trickling down our cheeks as we embraced. I tucked my face into Keelan’s shoulder as he pulled me into him and muttered into my puffy hair. “I love you, little brother. I always will. You don’t need to apologize to me, not ever. You hear me.”
My shoulders shook as waves of emotion dammed for years released, waves I had never known lay just beneath the surface. Keelan’s hand pressed my head tight against his chest, and he kissed my brow.
When we pulled apart, Keelan draped an arm around my shoulder and turned toward where the group waited.
“Keelan, wait.” My voice was that of a small, dandelion-headed boy from so many years ago.
Keelan waited.
I lifted my head and wrestled with my own courage. “I . . . I don’t know how to say this. Spirits, I’m still figuring everything out. I feel so stupid.”
“Declan, spit it out. There are armed men out here.”
“Right.” I sucked in a breath. “It’s Ayden.”
Keelan’s brow rose, but he remained quiet.
My hands found my hair and tugged.
I turned away, then back to face him.
Spirits, why is this so hard?
“Ayden is more than just another Ranger, I think. I’m not sure. I mean, I am sure, but he doesn’t know . . . though, I think he does.”
“What is he, then?”
Fuck, he’s making me say it.
“I think . . . I mean, I know, but I’m not sure, but I think. Shit. Keelan . . .”
He crossed his arms.
“I’m crazy about him, Kee. He makes me feel stupid and silly and warm . . . and I can’t get him out of my head.”
Keelan stared.
I tried to stare back but couldn’t.
When an eternity passed, and I couldn’t take it anymore, I blurted, “Say something, please. I’m dying here.”
“Fuck me, Declan. We all already knew. We knew the first time you said his name; we’ve just been waiting for you to tell us.”
Keelan shook his head, a bemused smirk forming.
“Just talk to the man. Have you seen how he looks at you? And you . . . for fuck’s sake, Dec . . . you’re like a lovestruck teen sneaking peeks at him when you think nobody’s watching. It took everything I had to keep Atikus from cracking jokes.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
They figured it all out?
Hell, I hadn’t even figured it out.
And he wasn’t angry.
He wasn’t ashamed.
He wouldn’t run or turn his back or . . .
“So . . . you’re okay if . . . I mean . . . if I’m—”
“You’re a fucking idiot. They need a new rank just for you, Ranger, Idiot Grade.” Keelan grabbed me and jerked me against his chest. “You’re my brother, and that’s that. As long as you steer clear of sheep . . . livestock might be a deal killer."
I snorted.
"I told you I would love you no matter what, and that’s what I meant. Don’t argue with me about it again.”
Just as I thought he would push me back, he squeezed the air out of my lungs and added, “Oh, and he’d better treat you right or I’ll crush him, and you know I can. I’m bigger than both of you.”
Despite the mountains and forest and scouts and war, despite kidnappings and killings and everything, I laughed.
It had never felt so good to laugh.
“Come on, the others are probably getting worried, and you have a secret mission to go on, fancy man.”
I snorted again, blowing snot across Keelan’s tunic.
“Okay, gross. You are officially disgusting.”
Keelan shoved me away then led us back. Once in view of the others, he announced to the group, “All right. Ranger Boy is on his own. Let’s get moving toward the border while there’s some light left. If we’re going to cross near the coast southeast of Huntcliff, we have a long hike ahead.”
Everyone hefted their packs.
Keelan hefted Atikus.
And the group said their last goodbyes.
With the skies painted brilliant hues, and the forest rustling in a near-winter’s breeze, Ayden stood by my side as I watched my brother vanish, wrapped in the dark cloak of the forest.