Chapter 38 Ayden
Istared at Declan as he watched his brother walk away.
I wasn’t sure whether to be happy for him or let my heart break as they separated again. He had said little about their time together, but the tension between them was palpable.
It wasn’t much better between us, though our training had kicked in, and we had worked well when faced with dangers on the mountain. Whatever we were—or were not—the brotherhood we shared as Rangers remained strong.
That was reassuring.
He stared into the trees long after the others were gone, an odd mix of sadness and something peaceful I couldn’t identify written in his features. I wanted to ask, but the moment felt too personal to disrupt.
“Well, I guess this is it,” he said without turning toward me.
He hadn’t spoken about his secret mission in front of the group, and I wondered if I was to play a role in whatever scheme he was now steeped in.
“I have to go,” he said.
“Where?”
“I can’t tell you.”
Rangers hadn’t been truly militarized in centuries, so I supposed it was a bit odd. Still, I waited for him to say more.
Declan turned.
His eyes were so deep. The forest somehow drew the verdant brightness out of them, breathing life into them and granting them more power over me than the man already possessed. I could barely move beneath his gaze.
“I need to tell you some things.” His voice was halting now, as though he wanted to speak, but struggled to find the words—or courage—I wasn’t sure which.
My heart began to race. I didn’t know why.
But I hoped I did.
“Okay.”
He started to speak, then looked around, then back to me. Sweat beaded on his brow. “Shit, I can’t do this standing up. Can we sit down?”
I glanced around and smirked. His discomfort was adorable, and begged to be prodded. “I am fresh out of comfortable chairs. May I offer you a log?”
He groaned and shook his head, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth.
“There. Let’s sit on that.” He pointed to a log near the stream.
His fidgeting had found its way into me, and ants began crawling beneath my skin.
We sat a few paces apart.
The brook’s bubbling should’ve been a comfort but only stirred the nerves already swirling inside my chest.
There was weight to this moment; I could feel it, like the mountain itself rested atop whatever Declan was about to say. It would either raise me up or crush me beneath its mass.
Declan eyed the distance between us, the space on the log that could’ve fit Atikus and Keelan both, probably Sil, too. He stood and sat so close our knees touched.
I thought my skin might crawl off and run away into the woods.
His eyes rose, and I wondered if I would ever be able to move or look away again.
“I really suck at figuring things out.” He ran a hand through his hair, a nervous tick that made me swoon the first time I saw him do it.
My chuckle quivered. “I could have told you that.”
He held a finger to my lips.
His touch stilled my soul.
“Let me get this out while I still have the courage to say it.”
I nodded like a terrified boy awaiting a strapping.
“Ayden, I hated you. I mean, I really hated you.” He smiled, that lopsided grin that made my knees weak, the one I hoped was only for me. “Spirits, I thought you were such an arrogant prick.”
He looked up at the canopy above, then laughed. “You know that day, that first day, when you showed up to my testing? I saw you standing off to the side, just the pair of you, like you were better than the rest of us, and we should be grateful for your presence.”
“I never—”
“Then Aaron fired into the trees, and you started laughing. I didn’t care that my cadet had just failed miserably, or that the rest of our team made fun of him. I mean, I did care, but they’re teammates. Making fun of each other is what they do.”
He reached up and wiped sweat off his brow.
“All I knew was that you were laughing at my team. An outsider, standing next to my cadets, was laughing at one of our own. I wanted to snatch that bow out of Aaron’s hand and plant an arrow between your cocky little eyes.”
My cocky little eyes widened.
“From that day, every time I saw you, my blood boiled. Hell, it was a low simmer already. You just cranked up the heat. I spent the next however long dreaming up all the reasons you shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t even be a cadet. I assumed your father bought your entrance. Spirits,
it made me crazy that you were allowed to do your First Year in Saltstone then transfer to the Academy. How unfair was that? To all the men and women who worked their arses off to be here, to even try for the Green . . . I’m still not convinced that wasn’t the case.”
My mouth opened, but his finger pressed against my lips again.
I had to resist the urge to kiss it.
“Ayden, you are an arrogant little lordling. There’s no doubt about that. You talk like you were trained in the Kingdom’s court. Hell, have you ever even used a contraction? Who talks like that? And . . . you walk like there’s a stick up your arse.
And most of the time your nose is stuck so high in the air you might drown if it started to rain.”
Wow, this is brutal. He really did hate me. Did? Does?
My brows rose, but his finger didn’t . . . this time.
His smirk grew.
“But . . .”
Oh, fuck, there’s a “but.”
“I really hope I’m not about to make a total fool of myself . . . I mean, more than I already have, because I’m pretty sure I’ve done that already. Shit, I said already again.”
He ran both hands through his hair. When they stayed beneath his curls and he yanked, I knew this was getting serious. “Spirits, I’m such an idiot.”
His eyes drifted into the forest beyond, and words lodged in his throat.
“Dec, just say whatever it is.”
Without thinking, I rested a hand on his leg.
I only meant to encourage, to comfort, but somehow my hold became like an adder’s fangs sinking deep into his flesh.
He tensed but didn't pull away.
His eye flew to my hand.
I yanked it back.
He looked up.
A heartbeat passed.
Then another.
I thought I might die from the damn waiting.
Then something resolved in his gaze, his hands reached up and gripped my head, and he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine.
I couldn’t think.
I couldn’t breathe.
I knew I should kiss him back or pull away or run into the forest . . . or something . . . but my body wasn’t listening. It was frozen.
The forest vanished.
The world disappeared.
There was only Declan Rea . . . and his kiss.
I sucked in a breath.
He pressed firmer, gripped tighter. His tongue teased against my teeth, then the tip of my own.
Sparks of light and fire and sunlight and . . . every other sensation and emotion I’d dared dream of throughout my nineteen winters raged through me. My chest swelled as I breathed him in, drew his breath into me, tasted him deep within my body and mind and soul.
Slowly, my hand rose, as if by its own power. Frightened fingers trailed down his stubble cheek, tracing the line of his jaw as I had done a hundred times in my dreams.
It felt better than any dream, rough and smooth and perfect.
With his lips still searching mine, his head tilted, melting into my touch.
He moaned.
Too soon, he pulled back.
Far too soon.
“I have to go.”
The heart he’d just filled now wept. Panic welled in my chest.
“Will you be all right?” was all I could think to ask.
“I think so. This shouldn’t be dangerous—at least, I don’t think it will be.” Declan brushed hair back from my forehead. I wanted to curl into his touch and never move again. “I bet you’ll have more fun getting home than I will.”
I tried to look down, to pull away, but his grip was absolute, his gaze infinite.
“I’m sorry, Ayden. I’m so sorry I wasted all this time fighting with myself . . . with you.”
He blinked a few times, as if tears might erupt.
“I’m so crazy about you it hurts. You’re all I think about, every day, all day. You’re in my dreams. I’ve never . . . Nobody . . . fuck. I’ve never kissed a man before now. I’ve certainly never fallen in love with one.”
I don’t know what I was about to say, but all thought flew far from that mountain, abandoning me to stare helplessly into his emerald gaze.
“I am in love with you, Ayden, and it’s killing me to walk away right now. All I want to do is talk to you, know you, feel you. Hell, just be with you.” He swallowed hard and waited for me to speak.
When I didn’t, he pleaded, “Say something. Spirits, you’re killing me. If this isn’t what you want, if I’ve—”
“Fuck, Declan, really?” That wasn’t the romantic thing I’d hoped to voice, but it’s what tumbled out.
His mouth split wider than I’d ever seen.
“I have been in love with you since that first day on the range, you idiot. Did you not see me staring every chance I got, making up excuses to be near you, arranging for us to be paired on every damn patrol?”
Shock flooded his eyes. “You did that?”
I nodded.
He laughed, and it was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard.
“Spirits, I thought they were playing with me. All the seniors knew how much I despised you.”
My head lowered, but my smile remained. “No, that was me.”
“You little sneak.” He shook his head.
I shrugged as pride welled in my chest, yet another emotion to add to the list of the day.
Then his eyes drifted . . . and hardened. The distance he’d closed by sitting next to me somehow grew wider than before, though we hadn’t moved. When he looked up again, sadness had returned.
“This mission, this thing I have to do, it’s important. It’s bigger than both of us.”
“I know—”
“No.” He shook his head firmly. “You don’t. Ayden, if Atikus and the Arch Mage are right, the whole war, if that’s what we’re about to have, may rest on what I’m about to do. I’m not sure what I’ll find or how dangerous it will be . . . or if I’ll make it back home.”
“You fucking better.”
He stared a moment, then grinned. “I like it when you curse, little lordling.”
“Fuck you.”
His grin widened, then fell away.
“I need to go, and you need to get back and report to the Captain.”
He stood, his hands drifting to my arms to lift me to my feet.
I fell forward into him, and his arms wrapped around me.
“I just found you, Declan. Spirits, don’t you die on me now,” I whispered into his shoulder.
He kissed my forehead, then lifted my chin.
“Ayden Byrne, by the Phoenix, I will come home to you.”
“You fucking better.”
His smile returned as his lips met mine one last time.
Without another word, he smoothed my hair, rebellious as a wildfire, then retrieved his pack and stepped toward the edge of the clearing.
My heart froze as he glanced back, and the hint of a smile curled his lips.
Then he turned and vanished into the shadows beneath the trees.