23. Raya
RAYA
“ R aya, wake up.”
I turned away from the sound with a groan, afraid to open my eyes as I slowly came to the awareness of hands on my face and the absence of pressure on my chest.
“Raya, please,” the voice said again. Female and panicked. Familiar.
“Riley?” I croaked as my eyes crept open to take in the fearful expression of my sister, who was inspecting my body with a gentle but frenzied energy. I knew she wouldn’t find what she was looking for.
It wasn’t my blood.
“Raya, where are you hurt? Oh Goddess, there is so much blood.”
I inhaled, the memory of his filthy breath against my skin gripping the edges of my mind. It was somehow faint, seemingly overwhelmed by the feeling of urgency that settled low in my gut, to act and grab my family and run. Because we were no longer safe here.
This was no longer our Haven.
“Raya?” she asked again, her fingers moving swiftly across my body, trying to find where the blood was coming from.
“Not mine. His.” I attempted to push myself up onto my elbows.
She breathed out, more relieved, though her expression remained pinched. “Okay.”
“Okay?” I retorted, my voice cracking. “There is nothing okay about this, Riley. If Zander finds out, I’m going to die. He tried to… He told me…” I couldn’t seem to get the words out, that same urgency spreading inside me. Her face softened before hardening again, understanding and resolve pushing her shoulders back and her chin up.
She grabbed my wrist and squeezed it in reassurance. “He will not know, Raya. Everything will be okay, alright?”
But it wasn’t. Nothing was alright anymore. Not after tonight.
My vision blurred with tears as I choked on my next words. “We cannot stay here. He was giving her to him.”
She frowned at me, moving to sit back on the heels of her feet. “Who?”
“Zander promised our mother to the Benefactor. To serve him.”
Riley looked at me in disbelief. “He has a Bonded.”
“Not as a Bonded, Riley. To serve him.”
Something flashed across her eyes, almost like she couldn’t or didn’t want to believe me.
I persisted. I needed her to see the truth of her partner, her chosen.
I mustered up the scraps of energy I had to spare and forced it forward. “He tracks us, Riley. Injected us with them and used that same tracker to…” I trailed off. I didn’t exactly know what he had done. “Electrocute us tonight. It was how...” I swallowed that same lump in my throat again. “It was how he so easily subdued me. Why the others are knocked out. If there was no one defending the Haven, that means they took another Omega. That means that Benefactor at least allowed it.”
The truth of my words shocked even me as my thoughts came out frantic and rushed, my own realisation following them. Because that was the truth of it. What I hadn’t yet processed. They had allowed Omegas to be taken. The Benefactor had been so unbothered by it.
Her face changed then. It contorted with the intensity of her rage, something I hadn’t seen since I was a child. Even the hairs on my arms lifted in awareness, alert and almost fearful.
But then, just like that, it was gone just as quickly as she got up and began to kick sand over the blood staining the ground beneath us.
“Does anyone come up here?” she asked as I stood on shaky legs, somewhat concerned about her almost dismissive attitude.
“He was the first.”
She continued to swipe her foot across the floor, shifting the sand around until all the blood blended in seamlessly with the floor beneath us. My eyes trailed over to sight the body of the Benefactor laying on the ground a few feet away from where I stood, my body tensing in response.
“I will deal with him.” Her voice sounded so detached, at odds with the surge of emotion I was experiencing inside me.
I shook my head. “You can’t.”
“It is better you know as little as possible, Raya. It will be the Outer Ring that is questioned once they become aware of his absence, not mine.”
I fiddled with my fingers, my head lowering in agreement. She was right. It was always someone from the Outer Ring.
“Give me your suit, Raya. We must get rid of it. Then portal back to the compound. Rid yourself of any speck of his blood, and neither you nor I will ever speak of this again.”
Riley’s tone was shifting towards cool and commanding, but I knew I needed it to gain some sense of direction or rules to follow when I felt so lost. She was everything I had asked for in the quiet moments before I’d passed out.
I stripped down in a careful manner so as not to smear or spread any blood. My skin pebbled against the onslaught of wind, which nipped at my skin as I used my hands to cover myself as best I could.
Riley looked confident, her hair lifting in the breeze, her face determined. I wished I could be like her, to be as sure and as powerful.
Instead, I felt flat and afraid for my family’s future.
“Thank you,” I whispered. She was the answer to my prayers, even if I would never have chosen to involve her in this. I was thankful she was here.
I hesitated before leaving, not wanting to leave her behind to deal with my mess.
She persisted, softer this time in her persuasion. “We don’t know if Zander picked this location, Raya. We don’t even know if he is aware of this. There are so many variables we cannot control, but you cannot bury this body. They will find it. It is better if you leave and there be a struggle for any evidence than you stay and bring him straight to your doorstep.”
She nodded her head with a small smile, as if to reassure herself that this would suffice as a reminder of who she was before Zander had ever chosen her. I etched that smile into my brain, to remind myself that, at the end of the day, there was no bond stronger than blood. Our sisterly bond would always be there, just as she would.
I portaled away to the front of the compound, noticing some Alphas stirring on the desert floor around me, soothing some of the anxiety inside of me that they had been severely injured or worse.
Before they regained full consciousness, I entered all the codes and darted down the stairs, making for the showers to scrub the memory of this cruel night from my skin.
I flicked the water on searing hot, stepping beneath it with a hiss, allowing the torrent to beat down against my skin, burning my flesh with a heat I welcomed. The ritual of it was almost cleansing as I scrubbed my skin raw, every inch red, the sight of it the only thing calming me. Zander could never know.
My chin dropped to my chest, watching red drip down my body and onto the tiled floor before being swept away by the water. It prompted my thoughts to drift back towards the lifeless body of the Benefactor. Why did my family have to suffer this?
My shoulders slumped down as I stepped forward towards the wall, my forehead pressed against it, trying to focus on my breathing. There were thousands of questions I had that I may never get answers for.
Everything felt like it was crumbling around me, and the only thing within my power right now was to wash myself. I shook my head, feeling pathetic.
The water continued to cascade down my back, the tumbling heat a stark contrast to the cool tiles touching my skin. It was the only thing keeping me oriented to the present moment. I tried and failed to focus on it.
We never stood a chance in this city. It would never change.
I heaved in a strangled breath as I remembered everything he said, everything he did.
They electrocuted us. It was never just about tracking us.
What if they found his body?
I bit my hand in a scream of frustration as tears formed and fell down my face. Nothing was ever fair or easy in this world, especially not for any of us stuck in this stupid ring, all because of our biology.
“Raya?” A knock pulled me out of my misery, Bodhi’s voice floating through the doorway.
I tried to open my mouth to reply, but I panicked when it felt like I couldn’t utter a steady word. I turned the water colder and put my face right under the spout of water to wash away any evidence of my distress.
He couldn’t know.
He couldn’t know.
My stomach churned, but I inhaled a long, fortifying breath.
“Yes?” I managed to call out.
The sound of a door closing forced me to pull my head out from underneath the stream of water as Bodhi stood there in the bathroom.
I tried to cover myself, thankful for the heavy steam around us coating the glass and obscuring his view. As a shifter on the defence, he had never thought much of nudity. I, on the other hand, felt vulnerable.
But tonight, even knowing my shyness about it, he wasn’t deterred.
Instead, I watched as he stripped off his dirty suit and threw it on the floor, stepping forward to the shower door. My heart rate seemed to kick up. His hand gripped the handle. I held my breath as he pulled open the shower door and stepped inside, no cloudy glass between us.
I swallowed painfully and backed up, using my hands to provide coverage for the second time tonight as he moved towards me at a slow, languid pace. I tipped my head down again, feeling the energy in the room shift, as if he could sense my distress before he’d seen it.
The stream of frigid water beat against his skin, the orange dirt and sand cascading in rivulets down his calves to pool on the floor beneath our feet, escaping in a swirl down the drain. My eyes tracked the whirl of colour, afraid to look up at him, knowing he would see right through me.
Gentle fingers brushed against my cheek, and I closed my eyes at the wonder of his warmth.
“Raya,” he said, his voice soft and searching. My eyes squeezed tighter, instead content to feel the caress of his calloused fingers along my skin. Even now, with the briefest of touches, I’d never felt so delicately held. I’d wasted so much time not seeking more of that when this city was never going to be gentle or kind.
My stomach tightened. I’d been so stupid.
Why had I tried to force space between us when there was so little that was genuine in the Haven? I’d been fighting against feelings for him that I couldn’t seem to erase.
Tomorrow was not guaranteed. I didn’t want to be someone who didn’t pursue something they wanted out of fear.
His fingers brushed across my lips, careful and soft.
He had always been so perfect. So perfect. Everything I was not.
Murderer. Failure.
My hands shook, the cool air from the stream of cold water physically overwhelming what little heat had been held in the room. The glass was entirely clear now.
“Raya, look at me,” he commanded, though it was as soft and tired as I felt.
I didn’t want to talk, not about tonight or tomorrow or the next days after that. I only wanted to feel something better than the horrible emotions inside of me.
So, in a move shocking to me, I stepped into his warmth, seeking it, craving it as his arms instinctively wrapped around my shaking limbs. His cheek rested against my head as he held me, the water warming after he’d reached across to turn up the heat so we could stay in each other’s arms for that little bit longer. I squeezed him tighter.
I’m glad you’re alive, I wanted to say. I hope I’m not too late.
Bodhi took the opportunity to care for me whilst we stood there in silence, choosing to wash my hair and body.
With every swipe of the soap against my skin, he rid me of the desert and all its terrors, including the putrid stench of the Benefactor, which seemed to cling to my skin. Then once, twice, he caressed my skin with his, washing the soap away, and I sucked in his beautiful scent greedily as he worked, using it to ground me.
His hands brushed down the sides of my arms until his wrinkled fingers met mine with a squeeze, an encouragement for me to look at him.
This time, I did, blinking away the water that had pooled on my lashes. He smiled big and bright, and somehow, I managed to mirror it.
Before I could utter a simple thank you, he dipped his head lower towards me catching me unexpectedly as he merged his lips with mine in a movement so brief, I almost second guessed it had happened. He pulled away and swept my legs out from under me with his arms, forcing me to grab onto his chest as he turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. He snatched two towels on the way out and opened the door to walk out into the living area, both of us dripping and naked.
“Bodhi,” I blurted, my cheeks flushed as I peered around the room, panicked that one of the others had returned and would see us.
He laughed warmly, jerking my wide eyes back towards him. My lips quirked at the joy on his face, and for a single moment, I forgot that tonight had even happened, seeming more like a strange dream. A lightness kindled to life inside me again the longer I stared at him. Out of everything he excelled at, bringing joy was his superpower, I was sure of it.
He toed the door open to a bedroom and placed me down on my feet in the darkness, smothering me in a towel before wiping me down. I stood still as he dried my hair and brushed it out then found my pyjamas and held them out to me so I could put them on. When I lifted my head again, he’d already thrown some shorts on and had pulled back the covers from the bed before taking my hand and leading me over towards it, encouraging me to climb in, pulling the covers back up and tucking them tight around me.
I didn’t entirely know what this was about, but I liked it. It was more than I deserved after all the times I had denied him.
It was gratitude that made my eyes glassy as he stepped away from me. Not once had he pushed me to tell him what happened; not once had he mentioned anything he had endured tonight.
I was so stuck in my own head that I hadn’t even realised he’d already made it to the door. The lightness inside me dwindled, that familiar coldness creeping in again as I watched him grip the handle, this time to leave.
I swallowed, readying myself to voice my needs. Don’t go.
But then, his voice swept across the space like silk against skin, comforting. “I will stay if you ask it of me.”
His words remained unanswered in the dark as I tried to orient my thoughts. So much had happened tonight, but very little had been in my control. I was desperate to claw it back, and this was something I could choose, for myself and the life I wanted.
“But only if you ask me, Ray.” His voice was softer this time, dancing around the edges of everything I had survived tonight. Every wall I’d ever erected to keep him out shattered.
“Stay,” I whispered, too quiet, though he heard it all the same. He turned around and shuffled forward before peeling back the covers, fitting his long, lean body in behind mine.
He dragged me closer, and I nuzzled into him, my back to his stomach as peace eased the tension in my limbs. Lips touched my neck in a featherlight kiss, his hands sliding lower to rest against my stomach.
“Rest, Raya. I will be here,” he murmured.
I felt so wired, my emotions roiling inside me as I remembered the others out on the field, the currents seizing my control. I didn’t know if I could sleep.
“Are the others okay?” I asked, the silence in the room around us heavy. There had been so much devastation.
His fingers tensed on my stomach before releasing again.
“They will be okay,” he replied, though there was sorrow in his voice. He didn’t bother to elaborate, neither of us in a position to talk about the why or how of this night. I didn’t ask how many Omegas were kidnapped; a failure was a failure.
I rolled over to face him, my hands falling to rest on his chest as I peered at him. Everything was Zander’s fault. Everything.
The more I looked at him, held onto him, the more I realised there was so much at stake if Riley and I were caught.
I breathed in. The only thing left to lose now would be time, because it rapidly felt like I was running out.
This Alpha before me only had kindness and love in the depths of his soul, and I knew now that I would never settle for anyone different, not when he had set the bar so very high, and not when he was the only shifter here who cherished me, all of me.
In every moment, I choose my life story, and I knew now that there was never going to be any story for me other than this one: a future where Bodhi was a huge part of my life for as long as he would have me.
His eyes were closed, his breathing steady, but I knew he wasn’t asleep. I could feel it in the twitch of his fingers at my hips, the restlessness of his limbs as he shifted. He wanted to see what I would do. He lay there and waited to see if I would reciprocate.
So, with my pulse thundering in anticipation, I trailed my hands up his chest and slowly curved my arms around his neck, moving my body closer until my chest brushed against his.
His eyes opened lazily, tracking me with budding hope that sparkled in the amber tones of his irises that I swear were so bright, they seemed to almost glow.
His hands drifted lower, to just the top of my ass, before resting there as if unsure. I chose that moment to lift my head just that little bit more, my nose brushing against his, his breaths coming in quicker.
“You don’t have t—” he started, but I cut him off with the press of my lips to his.
It was like an exhale of relief the moment his mouth parted, welcoming me with a low groan that seemed to vibrate in my mouth, sparking a decadent fire within. He kissed me with a passion I could scarcely match, like he’d been waiting a lifetime for my permission, barely hanging on.
His hands drifted that little bit lower, cupping my ass before he rolled me on top of him, a bold move I found I liked.
His mouth plundered mine, his tongue tangling with my own as he tasted me and moaned his approval. He was ravenous, and I was entirely unsatisfied, frustrated because I had denied myself for so long, and I hadn’t noticed until this very moment how much I ached for him.
But kissing him didn’t feel like enough. Not now.
Not when I wanted everything he had to give, because I had so much of my life to lose, and I wanted his touch, his scent, against every inch of my skin to give me a new memory of tonight—a better one.
Especially when there was a chance I could die any day from now.
I pulled away from his mouth and ripped my shirt off over my head as his chest heaved, his hands now resting on the top of my thighs, waiting.
His hands drifted, my skin pebbling beneath a shiver the higher they lifted.
“I’ve wanted this for too long,” he whispered, his thumb dragging against the skin of my stomach. I trailed my hands down his chest, enjoying the feel of him beneath my fingertips.
“But I can’t do this with you.” I froze.
“I need you to want me. I need you to choose me every single day, Raya. I can’t go back and forth with you if nothing eventuates from it. I can’t do it anymore.”
My heart hurt from his comment, knowing I had caused him pain, knowing I cared for him and had pushed him away despite it.
“I know,” I whispered back, my hands drifting lower to grip his. “I was so stupid, Bodhi. So stupid, and I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’ve always wanted this with you. I just didn’t think I could have all my dreams living in this city.”
He didn’t speak, simply choosing to watch me. Anxiety simmered beneath my skin the longer he didn’t move or speak, though he didn’t pull or push me away. I needed to convince him.
“I understand if you can’t do this, if you don’t want this because of what I’ve done to you in the past. I’m sorry.” I lowered my head, an act I’d done often tonight.
His hips shuffled beneath me as he rose up on the palms of his hands, forcing my body to slide down his, now straddling the tops of his thighs. He moved closer until our breaths mingled and his nose nudged mine, prompting my gaze upward.
I followed his silent command.
“There is nothing in this world I have wanted more than this. It has been the worst kind of torture to have your dreams dangled in front of you every single day, but every time you try to reach for it and take it, they dance tauntingly out of your grasp,” he whispered, his breath spooling across my cheeks warming them.
I scarcely breathed, too afraid to move, though my fingers curled in on his stomach.
“But I need you to understand this, Raya. My dreams are to spend the rest of my life with you. To build a family and a home. To laugh and find joy and adventure within every day I might have left.”
I swallowed painfully. I didn’t want to think of death. I wanted everything he did. Not in the Haven, but outside of it.
His lips drifted to my ear. “But I fear that acting on those dreams will make you dance away from me again. So, tell me, Raya: is this what you truly want?”
I exhaled my held breath. I wanted everything he did, more than ever, but I knew we would never achieve them in the Haven, though we could outside of it. I turned my head towards his ear. I knew now. There was no longer any of the hesitation left that I once held.
“You are everything to me, Bodhi, and I want it all with you,” I confirmed fiercely before placing a gentle kiss to his neck.
I felt the heave of his chest against mine seconds before his mouth was at my neck, dragging his tongue along it. My lips parted.
He was scent marking me, a claim significant for an Alpha. He sucked at the skin there, soft at first, nipping teasingly at the flesh as I tipped my head back, relishing in his touch.
He huffed in satisfaction, his nose nudging my neck with every touch of his lips against my skin. “You are so beautiful,” he murmured, continuing his path down towards my collarbone.
My hand slid higher up his chest to wrap around the back of his head, his attention causing desire to stir low in my gut. Intuitively, I ground my hips down onto him, seeking more pleasure.
Without warning, he sucked hard on the skin at my neck, his teeth pinching the flesh but not piercing it. I cried out in surprise, the flick of his tongue quickly soothing away the pleasurable spike of pain.
Desperately, I turned my head and captured his lips with fervent intensity. We tumbled back down to the bed as his hands gave way and wrapped around my back, our lips never leaving each other’s.
My skin buzzed with every touch of his, like a healing balm to the wound my soul had endured earlier in the night, replacing any doubt with hope, dismay with wonder.
Bodhi’s hands stroked my thighs as we lost ourselves in each other’s touch. It was only a kiss, but it promised so much.
Everything about this moment felt natural, like we were always destined to fold together in this way.
His mouth left mine, his kisses dragging down my neck, his nose nudging my head to the side to allow him more access. My mouth fell ajar from the various sensations rippling through my body, his lips whispering sweet words against my skin.
“You’re mine now, Raya,” he murmured as he licked a trail up my neck, claiming my mouth again and preventing my reply.
My hands raked up the back of his head, stroking my fingers against his short hair, just the way he liked. I ground my hips harder into him, feeling the growing bulge between my legs.
Fingertips met my hips, stilling me as his kisses slowed and stopped. I lifted my head, a brief flare of panic renewing itself in me.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, trying to prevent my voice from heightening. Was he backtracking now?
“Nothing’s wrong,” he replied. “In fact, everything is finally right. But I,” he paused, taking a moment to think, “I had thought I was never going to catch you. I want to savour it and do everything right before we cross that boundary.”
I opened and closed my mouth. He was right in some ways, but I didn’t know if we had that kind of time. That aside, I drew away and blinked at him as he grabbed my hands and held them in his.
“I won’t ask what happened to you tonight, Raya, but I know something did,” he began, and my heart rate skipped up. “I swear, I can almost feel it, feel you, at times. That’s how aware I am of your presence.” His voice was a low murmur. “We have forever to learn each other in this new way, and I want to enjoy it slowly.”
Then, he leaned in and kissed me lazily on the mouth before drawing my body back down to the bed, tucking me in front of him, his body curled protectively around mine.
I didn’t want to tell him that there was no hope for us in the Haven, that I might not even have until tomorrow. Still, I closed my eyes to the soft puffs of his breath against my hair.
I wanted the forever he spoke of, and I was willing to risk so many things to have it. My hand closed tighter around his the deeper I thought, my conviction firming.
It was laying in the dark, listening to Bodhi’s soft snores, that I began to form a plan from the only option I had left.