30. Bodhi
BODHI
T he wind beat against my sore wings as I flew towards the compound, just as inklings of morning light began to disrupt the night sky. I relished in moments like this, where I could be exactly who I was, allowing my shifted form free for the few times a year our Supreme granted it. I loved the view from up this high, the city seeming so small and distant as I flew high beyond their view, circling the desert expanse, painfully watching the woman I loved sleeping on the sand alone.
The moment I felt myself heal just enough to fly, I’d taken it to get away from her. Pain lanced my chest, and despite it, even knowing she had planned to leave me, I still couldn’t tear my eyes away from her tiny form. I still couldn’t help but look out for her.
My heart clenched as I pulled my wings into my body, allowing myself to free fall, watching as the ground plummeted closer and closer. I held my breath, focusing on the wind that pummelled my body just as aggressively as the sadness that suffocated my lungs as I fell.
I dipped my wings out again, my keen eyes noting the thousands of critters that slid and scurried across the wasteland, finding their food and returning to their homes.
I’d thought my home was with her, but in the aftermath of last night, I wasn’t so confident about what my future looked like anymore. It suddenly seemed just as colourless as my art.
My feet landed gracefully on the roof of the compound despite the speed of my descent, a movement I’d practiced so many times during my sentence amongst the defence.
I plonked myself to the floor with a frustrated exhale.
I’d thought I meant more to her. I’d thought she trusted me.
I’d thought if nothing at all, I was at the very least her friend.
Maybe I’d even read that wrong too, and I was just someone she felt pity for, the kind of pity Tia often looked at me with because I had no memories of my life before I awoke here, no family.
I slammed my hands on the rooftop and fell onto my back as a familiar voice chuckled to the left of me.
“You look like shit,” Hayden said as he seated himself beside me, his skin still dirtied, his suit entirely torn.
I glared at him. “I took a blade to the chest last night, and I still don’t look half as shit as you do.”
Hayden smiled grimly, exposing a chipped incisor. “Last night was…not good.”
I quirked an eyebrow at him, a grim look on his face.
“How many?” My voice was quiet as he watched the horizon in the distance.
“Two.”
“Have they…” I trailed off, my throat tightening. Raya didn’t truly understand how stupid she had been last night, how risky it had been.
“We buried them last night, those of us who could. They died with honour and were buried with honour, as we promised.”
I sat up again, watching the sun begin its ascent in the distance, catching on the form shifting up from the sand near the barrier, her head looking left to right before slumping again.
“Why are you not with her?” he asked, his knees now drawn up and his arms slumped over them.
I frowned. I couldn’t be with her right now. I was hurt and angry. I didn’t want her to see me like this.
“She tried to leave the Haven.” I heard his sharp intake of breath.
“What? Is she insane?” he hissed, and I laughed bitterly.
“Tia is gone. The only parental figure I’ve loved is gone, and she had planned to leave me behind.”
His mouth opened and closed, as if he didn’t quite know what to say to me in those moments. This was meant to be my year. I’d told him as such.
Now, it all just felt like an absolute joke.
I expected him to question me on it, make light of it, but he didn’t. Not even in the slightest.
“I’m sorry, brother.” That same pity I hated so much coated his tone.
We sat silently together, my chest compressed. Why did I have to be hopelessly in love with the one person who didn’t truly want me?
What was I to her? Temporary. Surely, I was just temporary.
But I’d loved her for a long time. I’d just never told her.
“What are you going to do?”
I blinked and looked over at his concerned expression.
“I don’t even fucking know.” My fingers scraped along the roof of the building as I leaned back on my hands, my legs stretched out in front of me.
“She didn’t tell me. I thought she wanted me. We… we made progress. I know she wanted me,” I reasoned, my voice firmer now. “But I had to drag her back through that shield last night. She was going to leave me, as if I didn’t fucking matter at all.”
He contemplated that for a moment before he responded. “I think she cares about you. It’s evident to me she does. She watches you and smiles so much more around you. Any idiot Alpha can see that. Maybe there’s a reason.” I laughed louder now, more acid in my tone.
But he prodded me again, despite me not believing there was any reason for her to do something so drastic and dangerous. “It’s a stretch, brother, but there may be a reason. You just have to talk to her.”
I turned my head away, my teeth clenching tightly as I caught sight of her walking slowly across the sand and back to the compound, her arms wrapped around her, her head down.
Fucking hell.
Even now, I fought myself to not go to her and hold her. She was the reason Tia was gone. She brought an Omega to the thinning, of all nights. It was her fault, her recklessness that did this.
My chest ached as I rubbed circles in its centre, a pressure I’d had since I’d woken, nothing relieving its ache.
I thought of Tia. Tiny, fierce Tia, who was lost beyond our shield, at the mercy of filth. Water pooled at the corner of my eyes, and I looked up at the barely visible stars, blinking away the evidence of my pain.
An Alpha didn’t cry.
“Only when you’re ready.” Hayden’s voice was tired and weak, reminding me I hadn’t bothered to ask how he was after burying two of our fallen.
His shoulders rose and fell, his face grim but determined.
“One more week,” I offered hopelessly. One more week of trying to survive the worst of what the Haven and the invading city of Asrar could give.
“One more week,” he agreed as we sat stoically in our collective grief, watching the sun lift beyond the dunes in the distance, welcoming in a new day.
Though this time, it didn’t bring any hope.