Chapter 34
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
ARKEN
You’re such a fucking idiot, Arken. What were you even thinking?
I was pouting to myself over a bowl of soup between lectures, thinking about how for the first time in nine days, I would be going home to an empty bed.
The fact that it had been my own godsdamned idea in the first place? That only made it worse.
Kieran and I had enjoyed a quick breakfast together at dawn—the man needing to rise with the morning sun to get started on what sounded like another long day.
It had certainly already been long on my end, and we were only halfway through the afternoon.
I still had hours of lectures, and not a damn thing to look forward to once they were over.
Idiot.
Maybe it had been the hangover. Maybe it had been anxiety. Maybe it was the way that Sia’s comment had stuck with me, lingering in the back of my mind since she and Laurel had tried to bully me into giving up details in the hallway.
“What, so we’re just never going to get to see you again? That bastard’s taking up ALL of your time, now!” Laurel had lamented dramatically.
“Relax, Laur,” Sia laughed. “Give it another week or so. With the way they’re clearly fucking like rabbits, they’re bound to get it out of their systems and get bored, soon enough.”
I certainly wasn’t getting bored any time soon…but was Kieran? Admittedly, the fear of that distinct possibility had some influence on my decision. My stupid ass decision.
“I think I’m going to take a night to myself, if that’s alright with you, Captain,” I’d mentioned over tea.
He’d seemed surprised, but didn’t question the premise of my request, nor did he try to change my mind.
“Okay,” he’d answered simply. “Of course, Little Conduit. Take all the time you need.”
The fucking bastard.
I really wished he’d fought me on it instead of being so godsdamned respectful of my boundaries. They were stupid boundaries.
“I could just use a full night’s sleep for once,” I offered, trying to sound teasing and light-hearted while burying the truth in my chest.
The real truth.
It wasn’t just the fear of him getting bored, per se. It ran a little deeper than that. The line Kieran and I had toed last night…The one that I knew we were only a matter of days away from crossing…
Kieran wasn’t bored with me yet.
But when he finally took what he wanted—when Kieran finally gave himself permission to dominate me, when I finally gave him my submission…What then?
They’re bound to get it out of their system.
Anticipation was a hell of a drug. That much was apparent in the way a year’s worth of longing had turned into this mutual madness.
When Kieran finally took me in the way I’d been begging to be taken, would that be enough? Would he be sated?
Would it finally be time for us to admit to ourselves that surely such bliss between us was unsustainable, and that we should go back to being friends before it all fell apart?
His absence now made me ache, but when I tried to imagine the worst-case scenario: the potential for this fling between us to blow up in our faces so badly that it destroyed our foundation of friendship, too…Fates, that would hurt so much worse.
Would it, though?
I didn’t want to go down that road of thought.
I didn’t want to think about how bad it was going to hurt when he and I eventually did go back to being friends, skipping the benefits.
Or whenever Kieran realized he didn’t want to offer me these benefits exclusively anymore.
And at least one of those things was bound to happen eventually.
I really didn’t know if I could fucking handle sharing him, though.
Selfish as it may be, the thought of Kieran with anyone else kinda made me want to shove needles in my eyes, swallow glass, and then set myself on fire—all three sensations would be infinitely more pleasant than what I felt in my chest and in my gut any time I took that possibility into consideration.
I didn’t want to consider it. I didn’t want to consider any of this. I just wanted to let it be simple, just like he’d suggested that first morning.
“It could be simple. If we let it.”
Gods, I wanted to believe that.
When Kieran and I were together, it felt simple.
It felt as easy as breathing, this new little life of ours, this shared respite.
There was nothing complicated about the way we moved together, the way our bodies spoke in their own secret language, or the ease with which we seemed to fit into each other’s lives—even on the bad days.
Last night had been intense, yes, but it hadn’t been difficult. All it had taken to calm him down and soothe whatever ate away at his soul was for me to let go and follow my instincts, however animalistic they became.
Fates, don’t you start thinking about that now. You’ll only make this harder on yourself. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Stomach growling, I nibbled on a piece of bread after dunking it into the tomato bisque.
Gods, even the soup made me think of him.
Of course I’d taken up the habit of mimicking his favorite winter meal.
Of course I’d ordered my tea black, spicy, over-steeped, and semi-sweet. This obsession truly knew no bounds.
I pulled out my journal, thumbing through the pages so I could double-check today’s schedule.
? Arcane Theory II
? Bios II
? Arcane History II
? Advanced Practical Arcana
? Irrosi Anthropology
? Contemporary Philosophy
Three more lectures, and I was fairly certain Scholar Cerresthiel was still sick, which meant that Contemporary Philosophy would probably end up being an optional open study session instead.
I tore off a blank page from the back of the book, then tore it in half, scribbling a similar note to both Laurel and Sia.
What are you up to tonight?
Laurel’s response came first, naturally.
Ugh. Stuck at some stuffy ass dinner party in Pyrhhas. Some of Papa Ansari’s business associates are in town, so I gotta rub elbows.
Why, did you finally get bored?
I rolled my eyes. The one damn time I needed my emotional support social butterfly…
Sienna’s response came shortly after Laur’s.
Dinner with Theia! Wanna come with?
I grimaced. As eager as I was to distract myself from Kieran’s absence tonight, joining Sia for dinner with the High Scholar and Lady of Light sounded like even more of a nightmare.
Despite the role she’d played in my nightmare, I’m sure the real Lady Frey would be perfectly kind and welcoming.
But with the way my scholars were constantly encouraging me to seek mentorship with the woman, I wasn’t sure how to navigate those waters.
Not yet anyway. It was irritating enough dealing with the constant spotlight that came alongside being “the new Light Conduit” of Sophrosyne.
I still needed some time to breathe and figure my own shit out before voluntarily intensifying that spotlight by kicking off rumors that I was the next Lady of Light in training—a suggestion that already flew around the grapevine from time to time, regardless.
No, thank you. I would be a gods-awful politician.
Nah, I’m good. Thank you though, Si—I’m probably just going to stay in and study. Have fun!
“Study” she says. Enjoy your anatomy homework, then ;)
I couldn’t help but giggle before tucking back in to finish the rest of my lunch.