14. Calvin
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
calvin
My brain isn’t functioning. Either that or this is a very vivid dream.
There’s no way I’m kissing Jonah right now.
My fingers slide up from his nape and into his silky-smooth hair, and he lets out the softest, sweetest whimper against my lips. I pull back just enough to look into his eyes, his pupils blown and his lips pink and puffy. “Is this real?”
He nods, his nose brushing over mine as my fingers slide through his hair and my fingertips dance over his scalp. He chases my mouth, pressing his lips to mine again, his tongue sweeping over mine before he sucks on it hard, making need pool deep in my belly.
My dick is rock hard, and I want release—something I’ve never done with anyone else in my life. But I want it so badly.
I reach for the button on his jeans and unbutton them.
He lets me, but then his kisses start to slow down, stopping entirely but then going back for more as I start to lower his zipper.
Before I can push my hand into his briefs, though, I feel his hand slide under my shirt, over my belly and rest over my heart before his mouth fully pulls away from me. “I want this,” he pants.
“Good.” I lean in and press a kiss against his lips. “Me too.” When I go back in for a kiss, though, the hand on my heart gently pushes me back away from his beautiful mouth, though he leaves his hand right where it is.
“We should talk.”
I look down at the way his rigid cock is pressed against the red briefs, trying to escape and then look down at my own matching predicament before raising my eyes to meet his. “Really?”
His slow grin makes my heart stutter as he leans in and kisses me all too briefly but then removes his hand from under my shirt and buttons up his pants, breathing hard and being careful with his still-hard dick.
He takes my hand, and I let him lead me out toward the edge of the lake, where there’s a bench.
I settle in next to him, not touching him because if we’re going to talk, I need my body to calm down first. God, I loved kissing him.
Part of me can’t believe I’m actually admitting it to myself, but like I said, I don’t think my brain is functioning right now.
“Tell me what happened,” he says softly, and I know I can trust him, but putting the words out there? I don’t know how to do that. I spent so long denying all of it inside my own head.
“What we just did,” I say, my head moving toward the direction of my truck and then my gaze settles back on him. “That’s what I did.”
Although, to be fair, it was nothing like that. The spark I felt when I kissed Jonah—my lips tingle with the mere thought of it. “You kissed someone.”
I lick my dry lips, my throat feeling equally parched as I nod. “A guy.”
He actually looks a little surprised—probably that I’m admitting it out loud because he has to know with all the rumors it was a guy. “Okay,” he says, waiting for me to go on.
“That’s it. I kissed a guy,” I say defensively, and I know I’m a dick, but the whole thing makes me anxious. I don’t talk about this. Not ever.
“Who was he?” I hate how careful he’s being, trying not to push me too far so I don’t end up pushing him away. Because he cares. He cares too much.
He shouldn’t.
I huff but give in. “His name was Austin. He was a senior last year, and we’d been in school together since grade school.”
“Cute?” he asks, a teasing grin on his face.
“Not bad, I guess.” I shrug, my cheeks heating. He was cute, but not exactly my type. Though I rarely even let myself think about my type. He was skinny and nerdy and pretty.
Which—I look over at Jonah—his high cheekbones and full pouty lips—yeah, maybe that is my type. But his athletic build and height do it for me more than thin and gangly. “So what happened? Because just kissing a guy shouldn’t do this much damage.”
I shoot him a dead-eyed look because is he kidding me? “In Big Bend? Really?”
His lips thin into a frown. “It shouldn’t anywhere.”
“But it did. Okay? It did.”
“There’s more to the story,” he says, and I can feel my nostrils flare with my annoyance.
I stand up and start pacing the grass around us but staying close. “What do you want from me?”
“I just want you to understand you can talk about this with me. That you can trust me.” He stands up and puts his hands on both my shoulders, making me still. “That you don’t have to be alone with whatever happened.”
“I shoved him.”
“What?” He looks surprised. Good. Maybe when he finds out just how much of an asshole I am, he’ll be done with me for good. I can go back to just keeping my head down and not having any of this friends bullshit.
“I shoved him. I pushed him in the halls. I was an asshole to him all the time. I tried to make his life a living hell. I was the bully,” I say, putting my hand over my chest, his hands still resting on my shoulders. “Me. You’re defending the wrong guy.”
“I don’t believe that,” he says, shaking his head.
“I was. I kissed him, and then I couldn’t handle it. I was afraid every day that he’d tell everyone. So I tortured him. Constantly. I told him I’d kick his ass if he ever told another soul about what happened.”
He looks me over, the concern written all over his face, and I hate it. He shouldn’t be worried about me. He should be pissed off at me and worried for Austin. Upset for the poor kid I bullied. All because I wanted so badly to kiss a guy, and I picked up on vibes from him. “And then what happened?”
“Are you serious right now?” I look at him and then play with the keys in my pocket, thinking about just running away from all of this.
Leaving probably means that I’ll never get to kiss him again, but ripping myself open and going back to that time in my life—it’s an impossible choice.
“He got sick of my shit. His best friend, Vaughn, really got sick of my shit and got in my face.” I close my eyes, thinking about the party.
“I got shitfaced. Almost blackout drunk, and I outed myself in front of half the school.”
His jaw drops open, but he closes his mouth quickly. “You told everyone?”
“Not on purpose and not in any definitive words, but they got it. It was obvious.”
“So then the bullying of you started.”
I huff and push my hand through my hair—angry and frustrated. “Don’t you get it?” I look over at him. “I deserved everything I got and much more.”
“So that’s the plan, huh?” he asks, stepping closer to me, his feet bumping against mine. The anger shines in his eyes. “You feel so guilty about what you did to this kid, Austin, that you’re just going to let these assholes ruin your senior year?”
I snort with ire. “It’s not a big deal.”
“Bullshit. I can see your face when they’re taunting you. I see your hands clench tight. You want to fight back, but you hold back, and now I know why.”
“Don’t,” I say, stepping away from him and jerking my truck door open. “This was stupid. I shouldn’t have brought you here.”
I start to climb into my truck, but he catches my arm, his face in my face, his breath whispering over my lips, “You wanted to bring me here. You wanted me.”
“Bullshit,” I spit out, but I don’t push him away.
My body is screaming to touch him. To kiss him.
To explore him in ways I’ve never allowed myself to do before.
My body is trembling with need, but I don’t follow through with anything.
I don’t give in. “I don’t want you. I don’t know what you were thinking, but I’m not like you. ”
He looks hurt. Goddammit, I hate that look on his face right now. Disappointment. Like he knows I’m full of shit but not all that surprised. “You’re not, huh?”
I shake my head, pulling out of his hold. He lets me go easily, but our bodies stay close. “I’m not,” I say in a shaking voice. I want to just say it out loud. I want to not be such a coward, but my family isn’t like his.
My life isn’t like his. His parents may suck, but he has people who care about him. Who love him, no matter what. I don’t have anyone.
He studies me carefully, searching my eyes for something he must not find because he takes a step back. “Okay. My mistake.”
Bile creeps up my throat, watching him back away from me before walking to his own truck and climbing inside. He doesn’t even hesitate before he starts it up and drives away.
Leaving me standing there, feeling cold and empty.
Not a new feeling for me at all.
But disappointing all the same.