15. Jonah
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
jonah
So that sucked.
Well, not all of it, of course. The kiss was pure bliss and everything and more than I expected it to be with him. And then I had to go and make us talk.
Though I still don’t really regret that. We needed to talk. He needed to unburden himself and just get it out.
He never said he’s gay or bi, or however he identifies. He didn’t even really say he was into guys, but he told me about what happened with a guy. And the experience didn’t go well.
Now he’s being tortured daily by people he used to call friends, all because he admitted to hooking up with a guy. And he thinks he deserves that punishment.
I’m not going to lie—the thought of him bullying the poor guy he kissed makes me sick to my stomach. No one deserves that. It had to sting. The betrayal. The kid must have trusted him a little bit with what was probably his own secret, and then he had to deal with threats from Calvin.
I can’t imagine.
While that hurt matters, so does Calvin’s.
I know he’s a good person deep down. I know he’s flat-out terrified of his family finding out.
Of his friends. I can’t believe no one has mentioned it to his family though.
They knew he left practice that one day.
But somehow, they haven’t found out about the constant bullying at school?
Would they even care?
The way Calvin talked about them, I’m not sure they would. But it’s hard for me to understand why he cares so much about them. I guess I can’t really talk. I have parts of my family who love me unconditionally. I need to remember not everyone has that.
He’s avoiding me today at school. All day. He won’t even look at me. I keep waiting for him to shove me or try to threaten me like he said he did to Austin, but nope. Instead of that, he just refuses to acknowledge I even exist.
By the time school is over and we’re in the locker room changing for practice, I’m nearly jumping out of my skin with the need to talk to him. To have him look at me. To hear his voice.
But nothing.
He gives me nothing.
“What the hell is wrong with you today, Duke?” Adler saunters up, shirtless, after pulling on a pair of athletic shorts.
Calvin doesn’t say anything, just pulls on his shirt and then sits down on the bench to tie his shoes.
“Jesus, you break up with your boyfriend or something? Maybe you heard about Montgomery and his little bestie finally making it official?” he taunts, and I’m assuming he’s talking about the guy from last year. The one he kissed.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Calvin asks, his voice scratchy and deep, like he hasn’t used it all day.
Adler just shrugs, being a total shithead. “I heard Montgomery is off playing house with Austin. They’re a couple. Can you believe that shit?” He waggles his eyebrows at Calvin. “Guess you missed out.”
“Fuck off, Adler.” I say, making both Calvin and him look over at me.
“You haven’t heard this story, have you?” Adler tilts his head to the side as Shields—always willing to be a sidekick—walks over and props his elbow on Adler’s shoulder.
“Oh, this is a good one,” he says like he’s thrilled.
Calvin stands up, towering over them—menacing and huge. “Shut. Up.”
“Aw, don’t worry, Duke. He’d find out eventually that his left tackle is a f—” I don’t let him get out what I’m sure would have been a nasty word before I use two hands and shove the motherfucker so hard, he hits a locker with a loud thump.
“Shut the fuck up.”
“Hey!” I hear my brother’s voice as he runs over. “Knock it off.”
“I didn’t do shit!” Adler says, raising his hands as if he’s a victim. “It’s all your baby bro.”
“I swear to God,” I say, trembling, my fists clenched as I lean in. “If you ever say that shit again—”
“Stop.” Micah places a hand on my chest and looks me over like he can’t believe what he’s seeing. Calvin is watching stoically nearby. Micah turns his attention to Adler. “Go out to the field.” He looks around the locker room. “All of you. Go.”
I know he doesn’t mean me, and I wait until the locker room clears before grabbing my shirt and pulling it on over my head, waiting for the lecture.
“What happened?”
“He’s a bully. And you let this shit go on. Why? Because he’s good for the team?” I shouldn’t accuse Micah of that. I shouldn’t be an asshole to him, but I’m angry. About so many things.
I want to kiss Calvin again.
God, that kiss.
It changed my world.
Every perspective.
I just wanted to keep doing it over and over. But I saw a broken man today. The same man I’ve seen since I met him. Now I know exactly why, and I can’t really do anything about it.
I could punch a bully or two, but I’d get suspended, and they’d go on being dickheads. It’s not fair, and I’m angry about it.
Micah is quiet for a minute, taking a seat on the bench by my locker. “This about Calvin?”
I know I can’t tell him anything about Calvin—I’d never betray him like that—but I sit down next to him and look him in the eyes. “No. This is about Adler. Being a dickhead and bullying a teammate.”
Truth.
And Micah isn’t surprised at all. And why should he be? He’s known about this. “Can you get Calvin to talk to me about it? To report it?”
I snort dismissively over that because we both know the answer. “He’ll never talk about it.”
“But he does with you?” he asks carefully.
“Nope.” I let the p pop on my lips and kind of feel like an asshole for lying to my brother—even though it’s not really a lie. Calvin doesn’t really talk about much. And now I’m starting to doubt that he ever will.
He’s shutting me out.
I shouldn’t have pushed him so hard.
“Invite him over for dinner tonight. Jenna is making breakfast for dinner, my fave.”
I grin, but sadness takes over, and my shoulders hunch. “He won’t come over anymore.”
“Why not?”
I shrug, not that I actually want to tell my big brother about kissing a guy, but part of me does. I want to talk to the man I trust more than anyone on this earth about a guy that I’m falling for—who is doing his best to push me away.
And I am falling for him. It makes no sense at all. I’m supposed to just be here to play football and graduate before going to college and starting my life. I’m not supposed to be falling for a broken boy who doesn’t trust me. Who may never trust me.
But that’s exactly what I’m doing. And I can’t tell anyone about it because I refuse to out him, even if it seems to be the worst-kept secret at Big Bend High.
“He just won’t,” I say, feeling a deep sense of dread and ache in my gut I’m not sure is ever going away.
I loved spending time with him, even before I knew how well he could kiss. I loved playing games with him and just simply being in his presence. Now it feels like that’s over.
He pats me on the shoulder. “One thing I know about you, Jonah, is you never quit. Don’t give up so easily, kid.”
“You make me sound like a pushy asshole.”
He holds up his pointer finger and thumb, squeezing until they nearly touch. “Eh, just a little bit.”
I shove his shoulder playfully, and he grabs the bench, laughing and catching himself. “He doesn’t want to be friends anymore,” I say, hating how much I sound like a little kid.
“He needs a friend more than anyone I know, Jonah. Don’t let him push you away when he needs you the most.”
Okay, it’s kind of freaky how much he’s obviously picked up on. I don’t think he knows about anything other than friendship—unless Jenna let on what she thinks she knows—but I also know he means this. That he wants Calvin to have someone to talk to, even if it isn’t him.
He knows Calvin desperately needs someone.
And I really want to be that someone, if he’d only let me.