17. Jonah
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
jonah
I’m on a high, walking into school the next morning. I expected Calvin to freak out last night, but he didn’t.
Somehow, he didn’t.
We just cleaned up and played Fortnite for another hour, both sneaking in quick little glances as we played before he went home. I didn’t get to kiss him again, which I hate, but maybe tonight?
I like that there’s a possibility of that now.
I can tell he’s nervous this morning as I approach him, but when I say hi, he returns the word. So he’s not ignoring me. I feel a bright sense of hope that maybe this can work out.
Just temporary.
His words ring in my ears, and I should want that. I’m going to college next year. Playing college football. I have to focus. I shouldn’t be willing to have a long-distance, probably still heavily-in-the-closet boyfriend—but that’s exactly what my mind goes to.
Would it be hard?
Yes.
But am I falling for him just the same?
Also yes.
And since when do I not go after what I want. He may think this is just a fling, but I’m all-in here. I’ve never met anyone like Calvin. I’ve never been so instantly drawn to another person.
I’m not letting that go.
By the time we get to practice, he’s still not totally ignoring me. Though—he’s quiet. And since he’s always kind of quiet, it’s hard to tell if he’s freaking out or if he’s just being his normal self.
But I know for sure that he is in fact freaking out when I get held up after practice—my brother wanted to go over a couple of plays—and when I get out to the parking lot, his truck is already gone.
I know I should probably give him some space to breathe. Last night was a big deal—not only for him—but for me too. I’ve fooled around with a couple of guys before, but nothing—and I do mean nothing—has ever felt like that. I never had any real feelings other than attraction before.
And I can’t stop the clawing panic from rising, so I get in my truck, and I drive out to the lake on a total hunch. I have no idea if he went out here or if he went home. And I know I can’t go to his house.
That would push him farther away, but if he’s out at the lake—well, that means he wanted me to come find him. When I drive around the lake, going to the same spot as the first time he showed it to me, little butterflies flutter away in my stomach when I see his truck parked there.
In the same spot as our first kiss.
He’s not in the truck, but I see him on the bench overlooking the water, and I park my truck, climbing out and knowing he has to know I’m here. He doesn’t move, though, as I sit down next to him.
We don’t speak for a long time, both of us just looking out over the water, the sun starting to set in the sky. It still has another couple of hours, but the pinks and oranges are starting to settle lower and lower on the horizon.
“I figured you’d come find me.” His deep voice pulls my eyes to look at him, but he doesn’t look at me.
“Are you okay?” I ask carefully. I know he’s tough.
He’s big, and I’m sure people have always assumed that he’s strong—that he doesn’t get hurt or scared—but I see him for who he is.
I know he’s terrified, which doesn’t make him any less strong.
It makes him a human being with a lot of pain and insecurities.
I watch as he hesitantly licks his lips and then turns to look at me. “I don’t know.”
Honest answer. I like it. “Yeah. Last night was . . .”
“Amazing.” He says it firmly, but he sighs. “Wrong?” That’s a question. Shaky. Like he’s not sure he believes that.
“It didn’t feel wrong,” I say not defensively but just as firmly as his amazing. “Did it?”
The right side of his mouth ticks in an almost-there smile, “No,” He answers. “No, it didn’t feel wrong, but my family . . .”
I reach out and risk taking his hand in mine gently. “They aren’t part of this. They don’t have to know this.”
He seems to think that over, nodding slowly, but he doesn’t look pleased by that. “So you just what? Want to be my secret boyfriend?”
I flinch, and I he tracks it. I hate how much I hate the thought of that, but I also get it.
I was out in Texas, didn’t talk about it that much.
Definitely never talked about it at home, even though my parents knew.
It was a big town. A big school. People knew I fooled around with guys, and no one really said anything except for a couple of assholes on my team—and they watched what they said for the most part. But I know Big Bend is different.
I know him being out and us being boyfriends, or whatever we want to label it, would be a problem here. Would make his life—and maybe even my life—a living hell.
“Maybe,” I say softly.
He surprises me when his big hand reaches up and strokes my cheek, letting his palm rest there. “You deserve more than that. I won’t do that to you.”
“So what then?” I ask, leaning into his hand—his touch. “We just ignore this? You go back to being surly and mad all the time? We’re just teammates?”
“I don’t know.” He says it so uncertainly. So sad it nearly breaks me.
“I do,” I say, leaning in my nose brushing over his. “I know I want this. However I can get it. It’s senior year. It’ll fly by, and then we’ll graduate. Why shouldn’t we have this while we can?”
I pull back to look into his eyes, his hand warm and somehow soft against my cheek. “You deserve better.”
“What the hell do you think you deserve, huh? Why won’t you give yourself this?”
“You know why,” he says, his eyes connected with mine, sadness and fury in them. “I’m not a good person.”
“That’s bullshit,” I answer immediately. “You are a good person. You made a mistake, out of fear and self-preservation.”
“At the expense of another innocent person.”
“An innocent person who is happy now. With his person,” I say, pleading with him. Not expecting this but also not willing to deny how I feel. So intensely. He’s my person. My big, kind of cranky, beautiful man. He’s mine.
“Jonah . . .” he whispers against my lips, and that’s all I need. I know he’s worried. I know it’s not really a surrender, but I still lean forward and kiss him softly, reveling in his taste and the feeling of his lips against mine.
We’re young. I know that. The likelihood of us making it long-term isn’t great, but I want to take that chance.
I want him, and the way he’s kissing me right now, his fingers sliding to my hair and pulling just hard enough to make me moan, it tells me that he wants this too. We can work through this.
I take his hand and lead him to his truck because he has a back seat. We climb inside, and his body blankets mine, his lips tormenting me with sweet teasing kisses. Our hard dicks trapped under too many clothes, but kissing him feels too good to pull away long enough to remove the fabric.
He is a very skilled man, though, because his lips never leave mine as he reaches between us, pulling my shorts and underwear down before freeing his own dick.
He strokes us both together, using the precum leaking from our dicks to slick us both.
It’s not enough, though, and when he brings his hand up to my mouth, I make it as wet as I can with my tongue before diving back into his mouth.
He strokes us as we rut and writhe together, our tongues stroking over each other’s.
It’s frantic and chaotic, but it’s the most beautiful fucking thing.
My back bows into him as my entire body goes hot, tingling all over before I shoot, my cum making a mess I can’t find it in myself to regret, and his joins a moment later.
His big body crushes mine, and I want him to lie on top of me forever. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to look at him and see any sort of regret, but when he comes down from the high, he starts to kiss my mouth, then my cheeks and my neck and pulls back to look at me.
Serene satisfaction is all I see on his face.
“So we’re going to do this then?”
I nod dumbly as I stare up at him. “Oh yeah. You’re not getting rid of me.”
He sits up slowly and grabs a couple of napkins from the front of his truck, handing me some as we clean up.
“You’re right. It’s senior year. One more year before we graduate and you go do great things in college.” He says it with a finality I’m not sure I really like. “I can give us this.” He smiles, but I still have a feeling of unease inside of me, even when he leans in and kisses me sweetly.
I want to tell him it’s not just this year. I can tell he thinks this will end with this school year, but I’m not willing to let that happen.
As long as he wants me, I’m his.
But I was right about having to take it super slow with him. I thought it would just be the sex stuff that would need to be slow, but now I’m realizing it’s so much more than that.
I’m going to have to really ease him into going a little offsides on this one. I’m more than happy to be patient with him because I know . . .
When it’s right, it’s right.
I always trust my gut.
And right now, my gut is saying this is endgame.
This is final.
This is it for me and for him.
He just doesn’t know it yet.