29. Maddox
Maddox
I haven’t had a decent night of sleep since I told Killian we should lie low.
It’s been almost a week now, and he’s been texting me constantly even if I barely reply.
He tells me about having to go to hockey practice even if the season’s over, just because the team continues to train even if there are no games left in the year.
“I wish Coach and Rhys wouldn’t ride us so hard during off-season practice,” Killian texted.
“I’m not even going to be back next year!
Though I guess I should make the most of it, huh?
Since these are my last days with these asses. ”
He even tells me that he noticed that Stella Café changed their pancake mix—which is random as hell, but I love how invested he is about it.
At least once a day, he’ll text that he misses me and that he hopes I’ll be ready to see him again soon.
It’s unreal how much patience he has with me. Despite texting me every day, he hasn’t physically shown up. I shouldn’t be pushing him away, like he said, but… I need to get myself together.
I check my watch. It’s almost lunch, and Killian’s probably with his friends. I wonder if he’s talked to his dad about the coaching job. I wonder if he’s studying for the upcoming finals week .
I want to tell him that I got another follow-up email from the graduate housing office, asking if I still wanted the room. That I’ve been holding it off because what if Killian might need someone to share an apartment with? What if he’d consider me?
I want to tell him that I think I’m ready for the upcoming symposium, and that my thesis is most probably coming to an end, and that I’m doing final revisions with Wheeler soon.
Wheeler, who I’m finally talking to this morning during his office hours. I’m going to tell Wheeler that Killian and I are dating, and hope he doesn’t berate me for it.
But I don’t tell Killian any of this because the reality of it is that I’m a mess and I’m horrible for putting Killian’s future in jeopardy, too.
Even if I’m sure I’ll get the brunt of the punishment since he’s the student, what if he’s accused of cheating in stats?
What if this becomes bigger and more horrible than it already is?
All because I was stupid enough to let Viktor into my life again.
I’m all in my head again, and I need to get out of my stuffy dorm room. Even if my meeting with Wheeler is soon, I can still pass the time until then in the library. Considering I don’t have a damn laptop, I don’t have a choice but to use the ancient computers there anyway.
The weather’s finally getting warmer and there are more people outside, and the blast of fresh air into my lungs is refreshing. It’s already supporting my fabulous idea of getting the hell out of my dorm.
The library’s crowded when I get there, with no free seats at the public computers. Everyone seems to be in full study mode because of the upcoming finals week, and the fact that my favorite spot by the windows is occupied pisses me off more than it should.
Sighing, I walk around, searching for another spot.
Heads turn to me as I pass. A group in a corner huddle close together, giving me furtive looks, and I roll my eyes but don’t spare them any other reaction.
I suppose news of some guy from Hartley trashing my room got out, because that’s the only reason all these people are suddenly very interested in me .
All the rest of the tables are full, because of-fucking-course they are. I’m walking back to the main doors to get out and think of a new strategy when Caleb suddenly appears. He steps right in front of me so abruptly that I collide right into his solid frame.
Scowling, I step back. “What the hell, Caleb?”
“I’ve been looking for you! Knew you’d be here. Where the hell is your phone?”
“In my pocket.”
“Why haven’t you been replying to me?”
“I’m busy,” I snap back. “I have a meeting with my thesis advisor, so can you leave me alone?”
I’ve actually got about half an hour to go, but I can’t deal with whatever Caleb’s got going on right now.
Caleb sighs loudly and he heads out of the library without another word. I hang my head in defeat and groan before rushing out after him.
He’s waiting for me outside, standing with a bored look. Caleb nods at me to hurry, and when I step up beside him, he starts walking toward what I assume is the parking lot. He probably makes the grand assumption that I’ll follow him. Which I do.
“Don’t you have a class?” I ask him, more crossly than necessary.
“Yeah, I skipped because I wanted to look for you.” He leads the way to his car. “Come on. I’ll drive you to the math building.”
“Why were you looking for me?”
“Because Schultz has been in a mood, and you’ve been ignoring all my texts, and it’s driving me insane.” He says it in a calm voice, almost as if he’s being reasonable right now.
I stand outside his car, refusing to move. “And so what?”
“Madd, I know you. You run away and keep to yourself because you think it protects others. That’s what you do.”
“Wow, thanks.”
He points at his car. “Get in.”
It’s true, though. Caleb does know me well. And, in turn, I also know him well enough to know that he won’t let this go. That stupidly determined look in his eyes says he’ll drag me into the car if he needs to, and that it’ll be easier if I just go willingly.
I do it angrily, though. That much I make clear. I get into the passenger seat and bang the door closed hard enough to rattle it, and Caleb only scoffs at me. Caleb starts the car and I sink down in my seat with folded arms.
Caleb says, “Stop pushing Schultz away.”
“I’m doing it for good reason!” I insist. “I’m in a bad place right now, Caleb. Everything’s gone to shit, and I can’t drag him down with me.”
“I think he wouldn’t mind being dragged down with you.”
“And that’s the problem!”
Caleb’s hand tightens on the steering wheel, and he shoots me a baffled look. “Oh, poor you,” he says sarcastically. “You’ve got a boyfriend who would do anything for you. Who puts you above anything else and worships the ground you walk on. Who would destroy a car for you.”
My eyebrows furrow. “Destroy a car? That’s oddly specific.”
He snickers. “All I’m saying is that you’ve got someone who would do anything for you, and you’re not thinking if you’re going to let a guy like that get away!”
I’m going to hit him. I don’t care if he’s maybe double my body weight. If Caleb keeps this up, I’m going to punch his throat. Never mind that it likely won’t even faze him. “Caleb!” I yell. “You don’t even like Killian!”
“Of course I do,” he says. “Really solid guy.”
“What? You’re always giving him a hard time.” The scandalized look I give him does nothing to deter him. Caleb only shrugs a shoulder. “I swear the idea of even us speaking was enough to give you a heart attack.”
“Yeah, at first, because he’s a fuckboy and that’s not what you’re into.
You embarrassed me by proving me wrong. Point is, I was trying to keep him away from you because of your not-so-great track record with guys like him who have only hurt you, and I didn’t want to see you go down that road again.
I was wrong, though, because Schultz proved he can actually do the boyfriend thing. ”
“Caleb…”
“He made you happier than I’ve seen you in a long time, and now you’re pushing him away because… what? He wants to protect you from a guy who’s been harassing you for years? Oh no.”
I ball my hands into fists and stay quiet. We’re getting closer to the math building, my eyes are starting to sting, and I need to pull myself together. Talking to Wheeler with bloodshot eyes will probably make me look way too dramatic, and I don’t want that.
“You need to stop pushing people away because you think you’ll be dragging them down with you, Madd,” he says to me. “I’ve told you this a million fucking times.”
“You almost lost your scholarship because of me,” I mumble before I can stop myself. “If I had hid things better, you wouldn’t have broken Viktor’s nose. It wouldn’t have gone on your record. It’s my fault you almost lost it all. I pulled you down with me, and now I’m doing the same to Killian.”
Caleb grunts and lets out a loud, exasperated sigh. “What happened in high school wasn’t your fault. Stop pushing Schultz away, because he’s not fragile, and neither are you. All this is doing is making you both insufferable as fuck.”
“Love this heart-to-heart we’re having,” I say dryly.
“Just throwing it out there, but how about instead of wallowing in self-pity and being angry at yourself for something that’s not your fault…
how about tell Schultz you’re grateful for the shit he does for you?
Instead of sorry, say thank you. You ever consider that?
Yeah, he accidentally put Ulrich on a warpath, but he did it because of how much he cares for you, and he’d probably do it again in a heartbeat.
I mean, I’d definitely break Ulrich’s nose again for you, no questions asked. ”
I blink, my mouth parting. “Caleb…”
It only now occurs to me that I never thanked him. Not once. He risked his future for me back then, and I had apologized to him. I’ve been obsessing over it since then, so scared of making the same mistakes again.
And I… I never thanked him.
Shit.
“He likes you a lot, Madd. Clearly. I think some guys on the team are ready to start a petition saying he can only talk about you ten minutes a week… and I know you like him too. A lot. Even Nicky thinks so. He said you seem a lot more cheerful since you and Schultz started seeing each other.”
I don’t have anything to say that, though my heart rattles in my chest.
If other people can see how much I’m gone for Killian, then who am I to deny it? I enjoy watching other people. I enjoy seeing the changes in them when they’re in love—apparently, I was being watched too.
Everyone around us had front row seats to my slow descent into falling in love with Killian.
Wait—falling in love?
Swallowing, I switch my phone on to text Killian. My thumbs hover over my screen, hesitating, but… Caleb is right. I can’t keep pushing him away.
“Unbelievable,” Caleb grumbles. “It’s not enough that I have a boyfriend that breaks out in hives at the mere idea that he’s possibly being a burden, I have a best friend who’s just the same.”
“Shut up,” I tell him, though I try to bite down a smile. He continues to ramble, and in the middle of him yapping about how I’ve given him enough practice to deal with Nick, I finally text Killian.
Me: Hi. Can I come see you? I have a meeting with Wheeler but I can come to you right after.