Chapter 37
Dane
Today is Lennon’s fifth birthday.
My daughter—who I just learned existed not even a month ago—is turning five.
The same daughter who still has no idea I’m her dad and thinks of me only as ”friend Ax.” The girl whose relationship to me remains something no one else knows about. Not even my parents.
I’ve become increasingly frustrated and impatient over this fact, but I haven’t pushed Halle to make the announcement.
The longer we hold off, the more time that slips by where Lenni doesn’t know me as her dad.
Time that she could get to know her grandparents and her aunts—my sisters—who would absolutely jump into their roles with arms wide open.
But Halle has her reasons for not telling Lenni about me, and no matter what I say to try and change her mind or resolve her fears, she keeps putting me off.
Her concerns are valid, but our perspectives different. I’ve done everything I can to build her trust in me and to show her she can count on me to be here for her and Lenni. Even if I have to move.
Because of my career, there’s always a possibility that I might have to move and won’t live near Lennon. But plenty of fathers—hockey players or not—deal with the problem of distance, and good ones make sure it doesn’t impact their relationship with their kids.
I wish I could guarantee Halle that I will always remain in Vancouver.
If my career lasts as long as I hope, though, there’s a high probability that I will at some point not be a Viking.
It’s just the way things are. Even now, although I’m currently under a five-year limited-trade contract, I could be put on waivers or simply be traded to one of the few places I’ve agreed to, and my contract goes with me.
But I’ve promised Halle that if that happens, I will always make Lennon my number one priority. And Halle, too, for that matter. I would move heaven and earth to keep our connection strong.
And that’s the truth. We’ve become almost inseparable these past few weeks and whenever I have free time—outside of practice, publicity, travel, and games—I spend it with them.
They’ve become my world.
And I’ve fallen—for a second time—for Halle. I just can’t seem to tell her this. I struggle with the words I love you. Up to this point, I’ve only told her I care deeply for her and Lennon. It’s a dick move and I know it.
But I think today is the day.
After the party guests leave and Lenni is in bed, when Halle and I can have our alone time, I plan to tell her how I feel. Who knows, maybe that will change her outlook on sharing our secret with Lennon.
Happy with my decision, I park the car in the driveway and start unloading all the wrapped gifts I got for Lenni. I may have gone a little overboard, but your daughter only turns five once, and I want her to remember it for the rest of her life.
With a smile affixed to my face and a tower of boxes in my arms, I walk up the steps and knock against the door with a kick of my booted toe.
I can hear Lenni squealing inside, and my heart swells through my ribs. Jesus Christ, that little girl has stolen my heart in mere weeks.
Seems apropos for the MacAlister girls, considering Halle did the same when we first met.
The front door swings open and standing on the other side of the threshold are two of the most beautiful girls in the world.
Lenni dances and twirls on her toes in a pink tutu-like dress, complete with little pink flowers adorning the top. And standing next to her is, without a doubt, the girl of my dreams. A woman whose smile is brighter than the fucking sun and whose lips were made for kissing.
“Dane, what in the world did you do? Buy out the entire store?”
She shakes her head and steps aside as I make my way to the living room, where I hope to find a place to set down the presents.
“Hey Lulu Lennon,” I greet, giving her a big, cheesy grin. “I hear it’s someone’s birthday today. I’m not sure whose, but maybe you can help me with these presents?”
I bend down as if to relinquish them to her and then pretend to lose my balance, juggling the gift boxes as if they might fall. My ruse works, and she howls in a fit of giggles.
She lifts her hands in the air and dances around. “It’s my birfday, Ax! I’m five today.”
Setting the boxes on the coffee table, I give her an incredulous expression, my mouth gaping open as I slap a hand over it.
“What? You’re kidding me. I thought you were at least fifteen!”
Lenni stomps her foot and places her hands on her hips with sass. “Uh-uh. I’m five!” Then she lifts her palm and spreads her fingers, counting them off for me.
“Wow, you’re very smart for a five-year-old. I’m very impressed. Give me a high five for that.”
She reaches up on her tiptoes and slaps my hand with hers.
And with the curiosity of a kid on her birthday, she turns her attention to the gifts. She walks over and examines each one, then glances over her shoulder at me.
“Can I open them now, Ax?”
Knowing I’m not the authority figure when it comes to the timing for gift opening, I turn to grab Halle’s attention, only to find that she’s already watching us from the kitchen, wearing a look I’ve never seen before.
It’s a combination of bittersweet melancholy and a deep, unshakable love.
“Hey, Mom? Can she open one of her presents?” I look at Lenni and encourage her hands clasped in a prayer to beg. “Pwetty please… ?”
Halle puts her own hands on her hips and tilts her head, closing one eye as if deliberating.
“Hmm… I don’t know… maybe just one…”
My eardrums are pierced when Lenni screams in delight, drowning out Halle’s next statement.
“And then you and Dane need to help put all the food on the table.”
I kneel on the floor next to Lenni, wrapping an arm around her tiny waist, and shove my face close so I can whisper in her ear. “Which one do you want to start with?” I ask, watching her examine each one carefully, considering each before choosing the winning box.
“This one,” she announces, picking up the box with a large pink bow.
When I’d asked Halle what I should consider getting Lenni, I already knew my daughter loved all things princess, so with Halle’s approval, I bought her a vanity case filled with glitter makeup, princess crowns, plastic earrings, and even a set of sparkly shoes.
Lenni tears through the wrapping paper, gleefully exclaiming when she sees the gift hidden by it.
“Oh! I love it! Look, Mama.” She holds up box to show Halle, who has wandered into the room and sits down on the edge of the sofa.
“Wow, that is so cool. What do you say to Ax?”
With the speed of a professional hockey player, Lenni spins around, throws her arms around my neck, and gives me the biggest, hardest hug of my life.
“Thank you, Ax. I love you.”
* * *
I’m still floating on cloud nine from my daughter’s declaration of love a few hours ago when Cale, Nils, and I step out in the backyard where a cooler of beer sits on the porch.
With the cramped living space inside and the number of birthday party attendees, including Halle’s dad and one of her brothers, we decided we needed some breathing room after Lenni got a new bike from her Papa.
I’m not sure if Lenni was more excited about the present or to be reunited with her Uncle Drew and Papa.
The back patio has no furniture to accommodate the three of us, so we stand around and pop open our light and NA beers. Since tomorrow we start a travel week, we are following our usual rule of no drinking.
“Cute kid,” Costa finally says with beer in hand, nodding his head toward the house before taking a swig. He was a little stunned to have been invited to attend a kid’s birthday party, but Halle was adamant that we invite Cale and Sommer over to celebrate since they had us over to their place.
Unfortunately, Costa came alone because Sommer wasn’t feeling well enough to travel up here after her latest infusion earlier in the week.
Costa’s understandably worried and frustrated that he can’t be with her, wherever it is she lives.
I haven’t outright asked, but I think she’s in the US, somewhere on the West Coast.
The sounds of little-girl giggles coming from inside drifts out the door, and I glance back through the window to see Lennon and Elise being chased around the house by Drew. He’s got his arms raised above his head, and he lumbers around pretending to be some kind of monster.
A smile forms at the corners of my mouth, and when I turn around, Cale gives me a strange look. I shrug, quickly washing down my secret with a swig of beer.
“What exactly is going on here, Ax? Are you playing house with Halle and her kid?”
My head snaps back at his judgment. “What? No. It’s not like that.”
Nils coughs, and I glare at him.
“It does seem oddly suspicious,” Nils adds, rolling a thumb over the top of his beer bottle. “You do spend a lot of time with them for being just friends. Just saying.”
“Not you, too, Lundy. Fuck you both.” My words aren’t bitter, but I’m feeling protective and defensive about my relationship at the moment.
There are legitimate questions that under normal circumstances, I could answer easily. Except this is not whatever would be considered normal, and I can’t tell them the entire truth. Halle isn’t just any woman, and Lennon not only owns a piece of my heart but also shares my DNA.
Costa leans against the house and crosses an ankle over his foot.
“Maybe it’s just my imagination, but Lennon sure looks a lot like you, Ax.” He cocks his head. “Do my eyes deceive, or is she your kid?”
Oh, shit.
There it is.
The observation that leads to a question that I’m not supposed to answer.
But fuck me. These two are my good friends, and I know they won’t gossip or tell anyone else on the team. If they promise not to say a word to anyone and the secret remains in our cone of silence, I don’t see how it can hurt if I reveal the truth.
“Yeah, about that…” I take a deep breath and blow it out. “Halle and I kind of dated when we were teens. It was my last season in juniors before I was drafted.”
“What does ‘kind of dated’ mean?” Lundy asks, that always skeptical brow of his lifting even further to the sky.
“It means, we didn’t date for very long. But long enough for me to get her pregnant.”
“Mm-hmm,” Costa says, nodding as if it all makes perfect sense now. “So you broke up with her when she found out she was pregnant? That’s a douchebag move.”
“Fuck no. I never would have done that. We broke up, yeah, but at the time, we had no idea she was pregnant. I was in the dark all this time that we had a kid together. I never knew I was Lenni’s dad until just recently.”
There’s a noise behind us, and we all swing around to see Lennon on the doorstep, a cookie in one hand, a new doll in the other, and a confused expression slashed across her face.
She blinks and then stares directly at me.
And then time slows down, and the world drops out from under my feet.
“You’re not my daddy! I don’t have a daddy!”