Chapter 4
The following morning, I woke up at my normal time of seven o’clock, wondering where I was. Daylight was filtering through the gap in the curtains and Diana was snoring. I made a mental note to pick up some earplugs in the passenger shop later.
I made some tea, went to sit at the far end of the cabin and switched on the television, keeping the sound down as much as I could.
There was a shopping channel, the BBC news, a film in French and best of all Channel 100, Avanti Gossip, and a programme called Dick’s Diary which was in full swing.
The screen cleared to show our cruise director, Dick Dainty, interviewing other crewmembers in what looked like a broom cupboard. That morning, he was talking to two members of the dance troupe, one pert blonde, the other a dazzling redhead. He had evidently got them out of bed far earlier than they would have liked, and to add insult to injury, made them dress up in Copacabana feathers and stage make-up just so he could ask them how they spent their day.
The answer to this was effectively: 1) sleep as long as possible and 2) don’t drink until after the nine thirty show had finished.
Dick Dainty laughed, ignoring their sour looks and smoothed his comb-over flat over his pate.
‘You young girls, you make me laugh, bless your hearts!’ he said. ‘How do you think old fellows like me manage?’ He gave a laugh that encouraged them to insist he wasn’t old at all, but they just stared at him.
‘No, I can’t imagine,’ said the redhead with a straight face.
‘Right, well thanks girls, bless your hearts. I look forward to seeing you in the show tonight. And what is the theme for this evening?’
‘We’re doing the fabulous Tribute to the Sixties,’ said the blonde and waited for a beat, ‘Dick.’
Dick didn’t seem to notice her surly tone and pressed one hand to his glowing forehead.
‘My absolute favourite era,’ he said, ‘I wish I’d been around then. Miniskirts, Mary Quant, Carnaby Street, The Beatles, and of course, remembering those oldies and goldies. So many great songs. “You Can Get It If You Really Want”, “In the Summertime”, “If I Said You Have a Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me”.’
The redhead smirked. ‘Probably not if I’m honest, Dick.’
The blonde leaned forwards. ‘And anyway, those were from the 1970s, Dick.’
‘Bless your hearts, you crack me up, really you do! Well, thank you ladies, and all of you salty band of voyagers listening, come to the Ocean Spray theatre this evening for our fabulous tribute night. Six thirty and nine thirty. Then dance the night away into the wee small hours to Raymond Russell and his Rag Time Swingers in the Seabreeze ballroom. Right then, this is Dick Dainty signing off for now, stay tuned for our old friend and shipmate, Wally the Weatherman, who will be here momentarily. And you know what they say, Dainty by name and Dainty by nature. I’ll be seeing you all soon. Bless your hearts.’
The camera faded but not before the redhead could be heard asking ‘Is that it?’
‘What on earth are you watching?’ Diana asked from her bed at the other end of the cabin. She sounded rather muffled.
‘Dick’s Diary,’ I said, ‘it’s hilarious. You must watch it.’
‘Not until I’ve had some coffee,’ she said, sitting up. ‘Did you sleep okay? Did I snore?’
‘Yes and yes,’ I said, flicking on the coffee machine and prodding at a few buttons.
We then switched to the channel showing the ship’s webcam, but that just showed some vast expanse of grey sea in front of us obscured by sea spray on the camera, and there wasn’t much excitement to be had.
‘I was trying to remember how long it’s been since I’ve been on a ship. It brings back so many memories of the times Casper and I travelled together. He was at his best on board a ship. He seemed more relaxed, despite all the pressures of the job. Better than when he was at home on leave, I remember that very clearly. The word went around the crew: W.O.B., which meant wife on board, so everyone had been on their best behaviour around me.
‘I was so proud of him, he had always looked so handsome and elegant in his uniform and every female eye had swivelled towards him when he walked through the ship, epaulettes gleaming. It did wonders for our sex life.’
She looked rather wistful for a moment and so did I.
Sex life; yes, I dimly remember that. It wasn’t as though Eddy and I didn’t enjoy it when the mood took us, but there were always so many other things to distract us. The boys or work or a slate falling off the roof. And over the last few months the prospect and paperwork involved with Eddy’s retirement which seemed to drag on for ages and made him very irritable. I’d thought he would have enjoyed the freedom, looking forward to getting away from all the financial chaos of the banking industry and the muppets in head office, but perhaps he hadn’t. Was Eddy, like me, feeling a bit undervalued and rudderless? I’d have to do something about that, for both our sakes.
‘Breakfast,’ I said, finishing my tea. ‘Let’s get some.’
We got ready in double-quick time and made our way to the Amité buffet restaurant where the noise through the swing doors greeted us like a wall of sound. There were people everywhere scurrying around with trays, mugs of coffee and plates of all sorts of breakfast.
We found a quiet table in an alcove, left our bags, and went off to explore. There was everything any hungry traveller could wish for, even though we were going to be at sea all day, so it wasn’t as though anyone was going to be mountaineering or running marathons. Fruit, waffles, cooked breakfast, cereals, toast, muffins, cheese slices and cold meats laid out in geometric patterns. I had two Danish pastries and a glass jar of blueberry yoghurt. Diana returned a few minutes later with some pancakes, bacon, and maple syrup in a small jug.
‘You’d never chose that at home, would you?’ I said.
‘Of course not. That’s why I’m having it here,’ she replied.
I looked around. ‘I wonder where Evelyn has got to? Perhaps she is having breakfast in her cabin. I wonder if she really is travelling on her own. She’s very brave if that’s the case.’
‘I wouldn’t go on holiday by myself,’ Diana said. ‘I’d be afraid everyone was looking at me and pitying me. Wouldn’t you?’
‘You’re worrying about nothing. Be realistic, at our age, people hardly notice us at all.’
She nodded. ‘Perhaps you’re right.’
‘We would make good spies if you think about it. A lot of older women with the secret blueprints hidden in the boot of the car under a load of supermarket bags for life. And a gun in their handbag, in one of the many zipped-up pockets with the house keys and a mini pack of tissues.’
There were trolleys of new food choices being wheeled out from the kitchen all the time, which caused some of our fellow cruisers to panic. Were they missing out? Was there something better on the other side of the restaurant?
‘Can you imagine preparing all this food every day?’ I said, watching two men glaring at each other over a tray of sausages.
‘No, I usually have toast and Marmite,’ Diana said, ‘or nothing.’
‘Me too.’
‘Amité means friendship, doesn’t it? Not much friendship going on over there by those poached eggs. Any more jostling and there’s going to be a fist fight.’
We watched for a few moments as two elderly ladies tried to nudge each other out of the way with their handbags.
‘Ah! Good morning, ladies.’
We looked up to see Rapha?l Duclos standing beside our table.
‘You aren’t taking pictures of us eating, are you? I thought we had discussed this,’ I said.
He held up his hands. ‘Absolutely not. I just wondered when you would be available for our next photographic event.’
‘Hard to say,’ I said, pointing at the ship’s timetable of events on the table in front of me, ‘we might be line dancing or fruit carving.’
He nodded and smiled. ‘Avanti just wishes there to be pictures of you enjoying life onboard. I promise they will not spoil your enjoyment of the cruise.’
‘Perhaps we should have a proper session in your studio,’ I suggested.
Diana sent me a meaningful glare which I ignored.
‘That would be perfect. But perhaps the fruit carving too? Activities can be very photogenic?’
‘Not with me doing them,’ Diana murmured.
‘Or me,’ I agreed.
I’d been known to damage myself slicing a cucumber.
Rapha?l looked at his watch. ‘Then I will see you in the activity kitchen at ten thirty?’
‘We’d be delighted,’ I said with a winning smile.
‘No, we wouldn’t,’ Diana muttered, ‘I bet one of us comes away with some sort of injury.’
‘Oh gosh, does that mean I have to go and put some make-up on?’ I said as we watched him walking away.
He really was very attractive, there was hardly a woman in the room that didn’t turn to look at him. If I hadn’t been married, I could easily have developed a bit of a crush.
‘You can if you want to,’ Diana said. She pulled a face. ‘This maple syrup really is too sweet and a bit odd. I think I’ll get something else.’
She wandered off and returned after a few minutes with a huge, iced doughnut complete with sprinkles.
‘And that’s not too sweet?’ I asked.
‘It’s supposed to be. Bacon isn’t,’ Diana replied.
The activity kitchen was a large room somewhere on deck 3, which took some finding. Once there, we found the room already full of other shipmates who were as eager as we were to turn melons into sharks or tomatoes into water lilies.
We found some empty places at the far end of a bench and a moment later I was delighted to see Evelyn coming in. I waved at her and beckoned her over to sit next to us.
Our tutor – Juan – was a senior pastry chef, and he was obviously very keen to get going. And considering he probably had hundreds of scones to prepare for the afternoon tea, not to mention thousands of canapés and desserts to concoct, I couldn’t blame him.
Behind him on a table were some examples of his work which were exquisite: a flock of swans carved from apples on a green jelly lake, a watermelon carved into an elaborate rose, and a crab made from oranges with wobbling, stick-on cartoon eyes. That was a bit of a cheat, the three of us agreed. I mean who would have those to hand in a fruit carving emergency?
Apparently, we were going to make an owl out of two apples.
‘We will make decorations for your dinner tables that will amuse and delight your friends,’ Juan promised, nodding confidently under his towering chef’s hat.
‘I did this before, years ago,’ Diana whispered.
‘I don’t remember seeing any evidence,’ I hissed back, ‘your idea of amusing and delightful was buying paper napkins instead of tearing off sheets of kitchen roll. Have you done this before, Evelyn?’
Evelyn had wisely pushed the sleeves of her cashmere cardigan out of the way and was perched on her stool, bright-eyed with excitement.
‘I have,’ she said, ‘but I still can’t get it right. As you will see.’
No sooner had we picked up our knives, having listened to the warnings from Juan about how knives were sharp and could cut if we weren’t careful (who knew?) than Rapha?l appeared at my side, camera at the ready.
‘Take no notice of me,’ he said in a low, rather intimate tone, ‘really. I am invisible.’
Well of course he wasn’t, and the little waft of his aftershave – which was delightful – didn’t actually help. Diana and I giggled like a couple of schoolgirls, and we couldn’t seem to follow the simplest instructions.
I plunged my knife into the apple and sawed bits off it, trying to copy what Juan was doing at the other end of the bench. It looked pretty easy, but I could feel myself starting to sweat with nerves as I heard the camera clicking away next to me.
‘And a piece of carrot for the beak,’ Juan hollered over the noise of several women in hysterics, ‘there will be a prize for the best carving.’
Diana fussed around with her apple owl and just as Rapha?l was taking a picture, it fell over and the head rolled onto the floor, which made her splutter with laughter. I looked up, my hand over my mouth and saw him looking at her with a puzzled expression.
I, meanwhile, had mangled my apple in frustration with a steak tenderiser I had found in a drawer, making Evelyn chuckle, and was onto the next project which was a teddy bear made from an orange. We soldiered on gamely while one woman in patchwork Bermuda shorts sat at the side, sulking and having a plaster put on her finger, having not sufficiently heeded the health and safety warnings.
‘And now, fill the baskets with the segments of orange,’ Juan shouted a few minutes later from his end of the bench.
‘Rats, I’ve eaten those,’ I muttered, looking around guiltily. ‘He should have said earlier. Perhaps I could collect up the bits of my dismembered apple owl and stuff that in?’
‘Well, you won’t get a prize,’ Diana said.
‘Nor will you, by the looks of that orange,’ I said, ‘it’s not exactly amusing and delightful, is it?’
‘I shall practise at home. You wait, the next time you come round for dinner I will amuse and delight you by serving up salad in a melon shark.’
‘I’ll look forward to that with pleasure.’
Juan was moving around the bench, encouraging, and helping some of the others who seemed to be taking it very seriously indeed. One woman was nearly in tears because her teddy bear orange wouldn’t stand up without the aid of several cocktail sticks. He passed me by without comment, as I tried to hide the mangled remains of the fruit underneath my hands.
Then he stopped by Diana and gave a broad smile.
‘Very good madame, how fortunate to see you here. With a little practice you will be doing me out of a job.’
I thought this was very unlikely, and I rolled my eyes at her.
‘Teacher’s pet,’ I muttered.
‘And Madame Evelyn. You are here again. I am delighted to see you.’
‘I’m no better, Juan,’ Evelyn said, rather resigned, ‘but I’ll keep trying.’
Eventually after some deliberation he picked a woman with pink hair at the far end of the room for the prize, which was a card of googly stick on eyes. What she was going to do with those was anyone’s guess, but at least she would be ready. I imagined her sticking them onto her husband’s boiled eggs one Sunday morning, and the two of them laughing. Or possibly he would look at her with incredulity and she would attempt to explain. Perhaps I would get some and try them out on Eddy. He’d find it hilarious.
‘That was interesting,’ Rapha?l said, as he examined the pictures he had taken on his digital screen. ‘I hope you enjoyed it?’
‘Oh we did, didn’t we, Diana?’ I said, drying my hands on the edge of a tablecloth.
The once pristine bench which had resembled an operating theatre in its clinical precision and cleanliness, now looked as though there had been a badly behaved toddler group through. There were even bits of apple on the light fittings.
‘Good, good,’ Rapha?l said thoughtfully.
‘Our friends back home will be amused and delighted by our newly acquired skills,’ Diana added. She seemed to be getting braver, and if I hadn’t known any different, I would have suspected her of flirting.
‘Will they?’ he said, rather confused.
I nodded. ‘Oh, absolutely. They won’t believe their eyes when they see what Diana can do with an orange.’
‘I’m sure that’s true.’ He looked back down at his screen and pressed his lips together as though deep in thought. Or perhaps he was trying hard not to laugh. ‘I didn’t realise, we have a celebrity in our midst?’
‘Really?’ I said, mildly interested.
I looked around, wondering if there was a stray Kardashian in our group. Or possibly a glossy, laughing reality show star. But then I wouldn’t have known any of them, unless they were attended by make-up artists, tweezing the fruit pulp out from under their fingernails.
‘Right then, we must be off,’ I said. ‘We need to find some lunch and then we have line dancing. I’m sure you must have enough pictures for one day?’
‘I will see you,’ he said, with a charming smile, ‘a bient?t. Until later.’
‘You shouldn’t have told him where we are going,’ Diana hissed. ‘Five quid says he will turn up.’
‘What trouble could we possibly get into there?’ I asked. ‘It’s just a bit of do-se-do isn’t it, and grapevine. And pretending to lasso things. We went to a class once about ten years ago at the village hall, don’t you remember?’
‘Vaguely.’
‘Evelyn, would you like to join us for lunch?’ I enquired.
Evelyn hopped down from her stool, quite sprightly for someone who must have been in her seventies.
‘I’d love to,’ she said with a friendly smile. ‘Where shall we go?’
I grabbed Diana by the arm and steered her towards the door. Then I realised she had a bit of orange stuck on her sweater which squelched under my fingers, and I quickly let go.
‘How have you managed to get so filthy? We were only cutting up fruit.’
‘It’s a talent,’ Diana said diffidently. ‘Let’s go to the Amité, would that suit you, Evelyn?’
‘Absolutely,’ she said, ‘I love to watch people panicking over food.’
Lunch was a more casual affair in the Amité buffet, where it seemed the same elderly ladies were still jostling over huge trays of lasagne and cottage pie. There were also beautiful platters of salad and artistically arranged shrimp and all the cheeses one could wish to see in the middle of the Bay of Biscay.
We chose some sandwiches and found a table away from the scrum of passengers.
‘On the Pirandello, they prepared over ten thousand meals daily including three hundred pizzas during Italian-themed days,’ Diana said, ‘and there were over five thousand table napkins to launder every day. There are special ironing and folding machines in the laundry, they are absolutely mesmerising. It was an organisational feat; and I went to watch the chefs in the kitchens. Casper – he was my husband and a captain – took me down there sometimes to have a look around, although I don’t think the crew liked it much.’
‘They probably thought you would report back,’ Evelyn said, picking at her salad garnish.
‘I never did. It was like being present at some massive food ballet, where everyone knew their places and what to do. I would have been dropping plates and eating all the time, and they weren’t supposed to do either.’
‘They are good, aren’t they?’ Evelyn agreed. ‘I once spent a whole afternoon watching a Japanese girl icing some biscuits. It was strangely relaxing and very clever.’
‘So you have cruised a lot?’ I asked.
‘A few times,’ she said, nodding, ‘it’s my absolute favourite things to do.’
‘And are you on your own?’ Diana asked.
Evelyn nodded again. ‘I used to travel a lot with my husband, but he died many years ago. And for a while I didn’t think I would do anything much, but then I thought heck, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?’
‘I’m a widow too,’ Diana said.
‘Awful, isn’t it?’ Evelyn said, and then she gave a little twinkle, ‘but we are still standing, aren’t we. Still taking up space, still wanting things. Still got most of our marbles. We can’t just fade into the background. People my age – and I’m eighty-one – are easy enough to ignore.’
‘I know the feeling,’ Diana said, ‘and I’m in my sixties.’
Evelyn tilted her head on one side and looked even more like a tiny, intelligent bird.
‘Trust me, it can get worse if you let it! I’m determined to carry on being a nuisance until the very end. What did Dylan Thomas say? “Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” I’m going to carry on raging as long as possible. Otherwise, one is ignored.’
‘You’re right,’ I said.
I’d made a real effort over the last three months since winning this trip and lost nearly a stone. Well, eleven pounds. Eddy hadn’t noticed at all. In the end I’d had to tell him, and then he’d said, ‘Well done, is that why we keep having salad in the depths of winter?’
‘You’re much braver than I am,’ Diana said admiringly.
Evelyn laughed. ‘I’m not brave, just stubborn.’
‘Are you sure you don’t want a proper meal, rather than a sandwich?’
‘This egg and cress sandwich is perfection. But perhaps I need a small bowl of fries? What do you think?’ she said. ‘At my age, I just eat what and when I feel like it. And I seem to do pretty well.’
Diana stood up and almost immediately a waiter approached her.
‘Can I get you something, madame?’
‘Ah yes… we would like some French fries. Thank you.’
He hurried off.
‘That’s what I call service,’ I said approvingly a few moments later when three china bowls of hot fries magically appeared. ‘I thought we had to help ourselves?’
‘I thought so too.’
‘They are so helpful, aren’t they?’ Evelyn said. ‘So have you done line dancing before? After your triumph at the fruit carving?’
‘Once or twice,’ Diana said, ‘but on my own of course. Casper couldn’t join me, he always seemed to be busy with something.’
‘What was he doing?’ I said. ‘Steering the ship or clapping people in irons? And actually, is there a prison on board ship? What do they do if someone breaks the law?’
‘It’s called a brig. And once you’re in there you won’t get out until the ship gets to port and then you’ll be handed over to the authorities. Why, what are you planning to do?’
‘Nothing, honestly. These fries are awfully good. I hope I don’t keep eating at this rate, I’m going to put all the weight I lost back on again. And I see a tray of desserts has just been rolled out.’
Suddenly there was a minor commotion behind us and through the double glass doors, flanked by two dancers dressed as Twenties flappers, came Dick Dainty. He held up his hands for attention and cheered as people turned to see what he was up to.
‘Good afternoon all, bless your hearts. I hope you are having a great time, everyone. You know me; I’m Dick Dainty, your cruise director. And these lovely ladies are Lianne all the way from bonnie Scotland, and Trudy who hails from the Emerald Isle.’ He turned, smiling broadly and the edge of Lianne’s feathered headdress nearly took his eye out. He recovered with remarkable composure. ‘I can promise you all a fun-filled trip, starting tonight with our very own Tribute to the Sixties. I hope to see you all there, ready to have a marvellous Avanti evening.’
He cheered again and was rewarded with some scattered applause. And then he fixed his beady eyes on Diana, and to my horror came trucking over, his small feet in polished shoes scudding rapidly underneath him.
She looked up at him, a forkful of fries halfway to her mouth.
‘Aha!’ he said loudly.
Of course, everyone within earshot turned in their seats to look. I could see the tips of her ears burning with embarrassment.
‘Our very own celebrity! I can’t tell you how pleased I am to see you, Mrs Wedderburn. You won’t remember me, but I remember your husband, God rest his soul. A real old salt, if ever I met one.’
He took her hand in both of his and shook it.
‘You’re very kind,’ she said.
‘It’s an honour, bless your heart. Yes, he was one of a kind. One of a kind. A legend. I bet you could tell some tales, couldn’t you?’
‘Probably,’ she said.
Across the table, I was starting to giggle, holding my napkin over my mouth.
Dick Dainty turned his beaming smile on to me and bowed over my hand.
‘And this lovely lady must be your sister, Mrs Jill Parker. The lucky winner of Radio Wonderful’s prize.’
‘Hello,’ I said, swallowing my mouthful.
‘And Lady Evelyn, how lovely to see you again. Anything you ladies need while you are on board, I shall make it my personal business to attend to,’ Dick said, looking rather wolfish.
‘You’re very kind,’ I replied, choking slightly.
‘If I could have a quiet word,’ he said, leaning down towards Diana, ‘I have been asked to convey the captain’s compliments, and let you know that you ladies have been upgraded to a suite which is unexpectedly available. He insisted when he heard you were on board. If you would like to take any personal possessions with you after lunch, the cabin staff will be delighted to move all your other things.’ He fumbled in his jacket pocket and presented us with two key cards. ‘The Picasso suite. On deck 11. I know you will be very comfortable there. Everything will be ready for you by four o’clock. And you’ll find a few treats to make up for the inconvenience, compliments of the Voyage Première line. Bon voyage, ladies!’ He turned to loudly address the curious onlookers. ‘Anyway, I shall look out for you all tonight, at our exciting show, Tribute to the Sixties! Six thirty and nine thirty in the Ocean Spray theatre. Be there or be square!’
And with that he trucked away, followed by Lianne and Trudy, who hurried on their high heels after him.
‘How weird was that?’ Diana said.
I was sipping water and trying not to cough.
‘Very surprising. Upgraded to a suite, eh? What a treat. I like the sound of that. We will be able to get to the loo without vaulting over the beds. I didn’t realise I was bringing a legend on board with me.’
‘The widow of a legend,’ she said, ‘it’s not quite the same. I should send another text to Sam to tell him we’re okay. And perhaps I should send him some more pictures. The trouble is the Wi-Fi isn’t very good.’
‘And Lady Evelyn?’ I said, turning to our companion. ‘That’s impressive.’
Evelyn flapped one tiny hand which was weighed down with a diamond ring the size of a marble.
‘Oh, believe me, I didn’t do anything, it’s reflected glory from Douglas my husband, who spent years doing something tedious in the Civil Service. I only use it when I want a restaurant table or better seats at the theatre. Sometimes I have been upgraded on a plane for absolutely no reason. People can be such snobs about that sort of thing. I think some of them imagine I know royalty or have inside gossip on the great and the good. When in fact I know very few people I would consider either great or good.’
I wondered what that would be like; the possibility of either being upgraded to business class or to a first-class cabin on my own merits were slim to none. And knowing Eddy he would have probably wanted to refuse out of embarrassment and then we would have had a hissing argument.
I pushed down such disloyal thoughts and looked at my watch.
‘Well, I think we had better be going. I can’t wait to see our new room. Right, it’s one fifteen and the class starts at two. We’d better collect our stuff up and make a move. You’re not line dancing are you, Evelyn?’
She chuckled. ‘Heaven forbid! Not with my new hip, it would be asking for trouble. No, I will take a walk around the deck and find a quiet spot to read for a while. I’m in the middle of a book which is quite spicy, and I can’t wait to see what happens next. The heroine seems to have problems staying upright. She’s always falling onto a sofa or a bed or failing that, the ground. Luckily the hero is very accommodating and must have impressive upper body strength as he is always scooping her up. Mean, moody, magnificent. And he’s a duke, although all the dukes I have known have been rather decrepit and wearing their father’s clothes. Anyway, I am on deck 11 too, so perhaps we will be neighbours.’
‘I’d like that,’ Diana said.
We stood up and started to clear our trays away, but almost immediately our helpful waiter appeared and took over the task.
‘Thank you,’ Diana said.
‘My honour, madame,’ he replied.
I grinned at her. ‘I like this, it’s like being on holiday with a member of the royal family.’
‘See what I mean?’ Evelyn said. ‘Have fun!’