Chapter 5
We made our way to the Seabreeze ballroom at the other end of the ship, a walk which was surprisingly long and involved two different staircases. We eventually came out to a huge room, decorated in Louis Quatorze style with any number of pillars and gilding. There were tables and chairs on a raised surrounding area, and a lot of cabling and speakers on the stage.
A girl in jeans, checked shirt and a cowboy hat was standing in the middle of the room fidgeting a little, and pointing her cowboy boots to distract herself. She looked vaguely familiar.
Looking around we seemed to be a collection of rather elderly cowpokes, including one with a Zimmer frame. Still, no reason why they couldn’t enjoy themselves too.
Our teacher waved us in with enthusiastic hands.
‘Come in everyone, there’s plenty of room, yes that’s right, come forward.’
We shuffled self-consciously onto the dance floor and lined up as directed. I noticed there was a woman standing in front of me, wearing three-inch stilettos and made a mental note not to get in her way.
‘I’m Shelley, and I’m going to teach you a really easy line dance. In ten minutes, you will be able to hold your own in any saloon bar in the West,’ Shelley said confidently.
We all gave a polite chuckle and a man next to me muttered, ‘I’d rather be at the table playing poker with Wyatt Earp, actually Dorothy.’
His wife threw him a look. ‘And knocking back two fingers of red-eye I’m guessing, Derek. You promised you wouldn’t be silly. Now pay attention.’
‘We’ll be doing the simplest of introductions to line dancing. Everyone is going to have such fun,’ Shelley said with a wide, white smile.
Ah yes, she was the same crew member who had been dressed as a sailor when we boarded the ship and Diana had fallen over and burst all those balloons. I hope she didn’t remember us.
No such luck.
‘Ah! Mrs Wedderburn! Come forward, do. I bet you’ve done this before. How nice to see you.’
I think Diana had been hoping to lurk somewhere near the back but now we shuffled forward self-consciously. I encouraged her forwards, pushing from behind and snorting with laughter.
‘Stop it!’ she hissed, flapping at me with both hands.
‘Yee ha!’ I muttered back.
‘I’ll just put on some rootin’ tootin’ music to get you all in the mood,’ Shelley said, messing with a few switches on the sound system.
The strains of ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ started up and a few of the more engaged dancers started giggling and doing tentative grapevines with proud looks at the others who looked puzzled.
‘That’s the spirit! Let’s just start by moving from one foot to the other,’ Shelley shouted over the increasing noise. ‘And left and right and… just watch each other and left and right… Lady in the I Love Cats T-shirt. Just change foot, that’s right. Now then we’re getting somewhere. Now I’m going to teach you a really simple dance called the Cowboy Hustle. On the right foot we are going to do heel toe, heel toe twice. Couldn’t be simpler. Um… I Love Cats lady, right foot, yes? Excellent.’
We heeled and toed for a few minutes while Shelley patiently got us all using the same foot and then we moved on to single heel toe, which for the lady in stilettos seemed quite challenging. I Love Cats woman had to hold onto her husband for a bit before she got it right.
‘Now Grapevine. This is just one foot behind the other, moving sideways. Right foot, cross step. No, right foot.’
There were minor collisions and a couple of yelps as I Love Cats woman cannoned repeatedly into her neighbours, but Shelley sorted it out again and before long we were moving smoothly in step with each other.
‘Now the last thing, Grapevine back and a quarter-turn to the left, then kick and toe touch.’
This led to a lot of people bashing into each other, the lady in stilettos taking off her shoes and grumbling, and at least three people complaining about being kicked by the people behind them.
‘Yes, that’s lovely, just spread out a bit more,’ Shelley called, her smile as bright as ever. ‘Now, I’ll turn up the music and let’s start again.’
Twenty minutes later and the class was moving like a well-oiled machine. Well, a machine of sorts anyway. I Love Cats lady seemed to have an ongoing problem with right and left which made me wonder if she had needed to have letters drawn on her shoes as a child, but even she was getting it and she seemed to be enjoying herself.
‘Two heels forward, two heels back, now one forward, one back. Step heel, step and touch!’ Shelley shouted.
We scuffed our heels and stamped and some of the more experienced cowboys amongst us clapped and yee-hawed.
‘Grapevine and take a quarter-turn and face the windows.’
‘I see your friend is back,’ I puffed as we took a quick break for much needed sips of water.
I nodded towards the stage where I could see Rapha?l half hidden behind a curtain, snapping away. He caught my eye and gave me a little wave.
‘Oh God, how long has he been there? What must we look like?’ Diana panted back.
‘The rootinest tootinest cowgirls on the ship,’ I said.
‘A pair of heifers anyway.’
I looked back and he had gone. Well, he was sneaky. I’d have to keep a better watch in future.
By then, some of our fellow cowpokes were discussing where to go for dinner, and Dorothy and her husband were squabbling about whether to try the Asian restaurant or the Italian pasta house.
The I Love Cats woman was sitting at the side, fanning her face with her hands.
‘My little Iggy would be good at this, Lee, I bet,’ she said to her companion. ‘He never falls over his paws.’
‘But he’d never get cowboy boots to fit,’ Lee replied with a grimace.
‘I wonder if you can get them?’ Cat woman mused thoughtfully.
‘Right, let’s do it all one last time, and this time I bet no one will get muddled,’ Shelley bellowed over the noise of everyone chattering.
We straightened back into our lines and the music came on again.
To be fair we did quite well despite there being a short, animated disagreement from a couple who still clapped in the wrong place and at the end Shelley was beaming with pleasure.
‘There you are, everyone, I said this would be fun,’ she said, taking off her Stetson. ‘I look forward to seeing you all this evening here in the Seabreeze ballroom. Ray Russell and his Ragtime Swingers are going to be playing some country music which will be just the ticket. You will amaze everyone!’
‘Can I have a drink now?’ Derek said behind me.
Dorothy tutted. ‘Well come on then, but don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy that.’
‘Alright, I won’t tell you,’ he replied with a chuckle.
‘Oh, you!’
I watched them go, arm in arm, despite the fact that they were gently bickering. They at least had each other. It was little moments like that that made me feel slightly sad for Diana, being on her own. And at the same time, I realised how lucky I was to still have Eddy, who was the easiest man in the world to live with when I thought about it. Despite his inability to do the most basic of household chores or put the loo seat down. I got quite sentimental about him for a moment, which is not something I had felt for a long time.
‘Right then, let’s go and see our new cabin,’ I said.
‘Then we could have a cup of tea and a nice sit down. There’s proper afternoon tea somewhere,’ Diana said, ‘which might be nice.’
I pulled a face. ‘I’m not actually hungry. I shouldn’t have had those fries.’
‘We can always try it tomorrow. You might change your mind when you see it,’ she said. ‘Let’s go!’
I followed her, glad to see how happy she looked. Her eyes were sparkling and there was a new vivacity on her face. I had been hoping this break from our rather dull routines would help her, and it seemed it was. I was feeling brighter too. Even though I still knew that tomorrow was bin day and Eddy needed to put out the recycling. I wondered if he would remember. And how was the patio construction coming along? Had they even started yet or were they propping up the bar in the Dog and Mole pub complaining about the football?
The new cabin, or more accurately, our new suite, was on deck 11, right at the front of the ship, and it was fabulous.
Opening the door, we peered in like a couple of naughty kids trespassing, and then went in. Everywhere was decorated very tastefully in cream and pale grey and there were accent colours of blue and gold. Instead of two singles, we each had a king-sized bed which were high and stately, and piled with pillows. The bathrobes were white and fluffy and so were the towels. There were large comfortable armchairs in front of a huge television where we could tune in to Dick Dainty in comfort every morning, and a small, well-stocked kitchenette in case we should decide to dine in our cabin.
There was a polite knock at the door. I went to open it. A tall man with an impressive white moustache stood there, wearing an immaculate dark jacket and pin-striped trousers pressed to a knife edge.
‘Madam, I am Alfred, your butler. Your cases have been unpacked. I wonder if there is anything you need?’
Diana and I stared at each other blankly for a second, looking around the suite for something he could do.
We had a butler? And he was called Alfred? And he had already unpacked our cases? (I sent up a silent prayer of relief I had invested in some decent, holiday underwear. I wouldn’t have wanted such a splendid creature to be delving into my bag of dreary old supermarket knickers.)
Was this real or simply an amalgam of all the best bits of my favourite dreams?
‘There must be something we need him to do. I’ve never had a butler before; I don’t want to waste the opportunity,’ I muttered.
‘Perhaps you would like me to open the champagne, madam?’ he suggested.
There was champagne? What a terrific idea!
‘Well, yes I suppose… Would you like Alfred to open the champagne, Diana?’
She dithered for a few moments. I realised this was something she did a lot, hesitating and prevaricating when faced with the simplest decision. I decided not to interrupt, but just leave her to it.
‘I don’t know, do you think we should? Oh, go on then,’ she said at last.
Alfred did a lot of fussing in cupboards and flourishing of white napkins but eventually with a discreet puff, the bottle was opened, and two glasses were poured.
They were presented to us accompanied by porcelain dishes of stuffed olives and smoked almonds.
‘The captain presents his compliments and hopes you will both join him for cocktails in the Renoir room at 5.30p.m. On deck 12.’
‘Lovely,’ I said.
Diana took her champagne and opened the balcony door, stepping out onto a private deck which was big enough for a small party. I went to look around the bathroom.
Alfred retreated with a nod into the quiet place where 24-hour butlers go when they are not wanted. Perhaps he was hooked up to the wall like a hybrid car and left on charge?
I took my champagne and followed her onto the private veranda outside. We exchanged a wide-eyed look of amazement.
As I stood there, I could feel a distant thrum of engines from somewhere deep inside the ship vibrating through my feet.
In the distance to my left, a sullen curtain of rain was falling across France. In front of us was a wide expanse of open sea.
‘This is so evocative,’ Diana said, ‘it reminds me of all the other times in the past when I travelled with Casper. Except he had been on the bridge giving orders and I had been left to do the unpacking. And I had to do things his way or he would get very annoyed. Heaven forbid I put his socks in the wrong drawer.’
Yes, this bore out what Eddy had thought. Perhaps Casper had been a marvellous captain who ran a very tight ship, but he can’t have been that easy to live with.
Diana and I clinked glasses.
‘Isn’t this brilliant. Aren’t we lucky?’ she said. ‘I never expected this.’
‘Nor me. It’s a beautiful suite,’ I said, ‘and I don’t care where Alfred has put my socks. And I think we deserve it, I can’t think why, but I’m sure we do.’
Well, I wasn’t actually sure we deserved a 24-hour butler and embroidered towels stacked like a pyramid in the bathrooms next to the bottle of azure bath oil flecked with gold leaf. But I wasn’t going to admit it.
‘And the captain has invited us for cocktails at 5.30p.m. This must be thanks to your celebrity status; I’m beginning to feel like the bag carrier. People will be asking for your autograph at this rate. Alfred the butler. Didn’t Batman have a butler called Alfred?’
We giggled for a bit and topped up our glasses, after making sure Alfred wasn’t watching.
We decided to sit out on the veranda with our champagne – once we had put on coats because it was rather chilly.
‘I’ve done this so many times in the past,’ Diana said, resting her head back. ‘Sometimes, when Sam was small, he came with us but most of the time I was on my own. Casper insisted I would have more fun if I joined him on the ship, but I can admit it now, many times it wasn’t the case. The last couple of days with you have been very different from the way things were back then. Casper was the captain, if he thought that I was larking around with the other passengers, he would not have been pleased. He had his position to remember, and so did I. Is it disloyal of me to think like that?’
‘No, I don’t think so,’ I said.
I’d secretly thought Casper was very controlling but in all the years, Diana hadn’t opened up like this to me before; it was rather surprising. Perhaps she really was relaxing for once. Maybe their marriage, which had always seemed so glamorous and perfect when I compared it with Eddy and me, hadn’t been quite that marvellous after all.
Deciding we probably didn’t need afternoon tea, I showered and went to find something suitable to wear in one of the huge wardrobes. Alfred was certainly a master un-packer, he had hung up my things in colour order, rolled my belts and scarves into the little square compartments in one of the drawers and put my shoes in neat pairs on a special shoe rail.
Diana, meanwhile, was sitting in one of the comfy chairs, watching a programme about chicken farming. She looked up.
‘Do you know there are more chickens than humans in the world? And I think they said chickens with white earlobes produce white eggs and hens with red earlobes lay brown eggs. I didn’t know chickens had earlobes.’
I laughed. ‘The things you learn on holiday, eh? Was this where you learned all the trivia you know?’
‘Yes, it probably was. I spent hours watching information broadcasts or reading obscure books from the ship’s library. It’s odd how even after a few days, I’m starting to look back with a new perspective on those voyages with Casper. I’d always felt very lucky, privileged to see so much of the world. It would have been ungrateful to think otherwise.’
‘But you were allowed to enjoy yourself?’
Diana didn’t answer, which made me slightly uneasy. My guess was that Diana had been allowed to enjoy herself but on Casper’s terms. Eddy wasn’t like that. After all, he hadn’t seemed at all concerned that I was going off on this jaunt without him. And he never checked up on me or criticised when I was late or got a bit squiffy at parties. I felt unexpectedly proud for a moment that he was so easy-going.
I switched off the television and went to look in her wardrobe, which had been arranged with the same precision as mine.
‘Nice shower?’ Diana asked.
‘Excellent.’
‘Didn’t need Alfred to help out with anything? Scrubbing your back or topping up your champagne? I’m sure he would oblige. Though what he must have thought of my Monsoon cocktail dresses and T-shirts is anyone’s guess.’ Diana shook her head and laughed.
I rummaged through the coat hangers. ‘What are you going to wear to the captain’s cocktail party? I’m going to wear the red one with the twinkles, so I stand out. Or at least my cleavage will. Or perhaps I should wear something more modest?’
Eddy had bought me that dress for his retirement party. It was far more daring than I would have chosen, and his district manager had spent a lot of the evening staring down the front of my dress and looking wistful, which Eddy, who didn’t have a jealous nature, had thought was hilarious.
Diana gave it some thought. ‘I will wear the blue thing.’
‘Narrow it down a bit. Most of your things are blue,’ I said.
Diana looked thoughtful. ‘They are, aren’t they? Well, we’d better get on with it, it’s five o’clock already. Any idea where the Renoir room is?’