Chapter 12
The following morning, I woke up at seven thirty, surprised I didn’t have a hangover. I looked over at my sister, who was still asleep, huddled under a mound of bedclothes.
What a surprise last night had been. I went back through what she had told me and felt astonished all over again. I even pulled a goodness me face even though there was no one to see it.
It had been Casper-and-Diana for such a long time, and she had been so devastated when he died, and then in the months afterwards had sunk into a quiet little pit that with the benefit of hindsight could be seen as depression. Why, when everyone seemed happy to discuss their issues, the way they are feeling, how insulted and hurt they are, was it still such a stigma to admit that death was still a crushing and long-lasting blow to the people left behind, I wondered. Why did people feel they needed to pretend everything was okay when it so obviously wasn’t. Was it to protect other people from their true state, or was it to protect themselves?
I could see we both needed to brighten up our lives and our attitudes, and the first thing we needed to do was wake up to the possibilities in front of us. And do something about them.
I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, where I stared intently at my reflection in the illuminated, triple mirror which threw back confusing reflections of a woman with mad, bed-hair and a huge splodge of mascara under one eye. I wondered how long that had been there. Why didn’t anyone tell me?
What did Eddy see in my face that he liked? I didn’t look that special to me, but then I did look very familiar. It can be very hard to see oneself dispassionately, I gave my reflection a smile and realised I needed to brush my teeth properly as the drinks of the previous evening had stained my teeth very unattractively.
Then I went and slapped Diana approximately where her bottom was and woke her up.
‘Come on, you temptress, it’s Barcelona day. We are booked on the tour and it leaves at ten o’clock.’
She rolled over and groaned.
‘Oh, my poor head. Oh, my poor brain. It wasn’t a dream, was it? Last night?’
‘Apparently not,’ I said.
‘What shall I do when I see him again?’
‘Nothing. Pretend nothing happened. Just talk to him.’
Diana lay and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes.
‘Yes,’ she said at last, ‘I will. We are two unattached adults; we weren’t breaking any laws.’
‘I hope not on a first date,’ I said, ‘although we were in international waters so I’m not sure.’
She got out of bed and padded over to the window.
‘Ports are never very attractive places, are they? A lot of containers and cranes and concrete buildings. Never mind, I know Barcelona will make up for it.’
It might have been my imagination, but there was something new about my sister. She seemed to have a new poise about her which I was delighted to see.
‘You look quite chipper this morning,’ I said.
She turned and gave me a little grin.
‘I shouldn’t, should I? But I do. I feel very chipper actually. Which is not something I have felt for a very long time.’
After breakfast we collected our things together and left the ship, clambering onto one of the coaches waiting on the quayside which would take us to the Sagrada Familia.
We drove out past the usual railings and officials that surrounded the port, and onto a road lined with palm trees which were just beginning to spread their leaves out in the spring sunshine.
Then onto wide roads, past the impressive monument to Columbus and past modern apartment blocks, colonnaded shops, and restaurants where the locals were enjoying mid-morning coffee in the shade. We passed open squares and parks, racks of bicycles and then suddenly there it was.
I think every person on the coach drew a gasp of wonder as we reached our destination and looked up. The press of people queuing, the cranes swinging high overhead, the traffic which clogged the roads, the sheer scale of the cathedral, it was all rather overwhelming.
‘They are still building it? I’d heard that, but I didn’t think it was true,’ someone asked.
‘It won’t be finished for quite a while,’ Diana said, ‘the construction has been going on for over a hundred and forty years. Gaudi took over when he was in his mid-fifties and he knew he would never see it finished, but he said his boss wasn’t in any hurry. By that he meant God. Rapha?l was telling me last night, they only got proper building certificates a few years ago.’
‘Good job they did. If they’d tried to build that where we live without planning permission, the council would have made them pull it down!’
‘Rapha?l told me when Gaudi got his architecture degree, the head of the school said he didn’t know if it had been awarded to a madman or a genius. Only time would tell.’
‘A bit of both, I think by the look of it,’ I said, ‘and it’s so different. Not like our churches back home. And now you have brought Rapha?l into the conversation, tell me everything all over again.’
Diana rolled her eyes at me and lowered her voice.
‘I’ve told you already. I made a fool of myself; we had a lovely meal; we had a cocktail and then I threw my shoes away and kissed him.’
‘Did you like it? The kissing bit I mean.’
‘Yes, actually.’ She started to smile and turned away to look out of the window.
I smiled to myself too, pleased with the way things were going.
‘I should have taken you away on holiday a long time ago if this is the effect it has on you,’ I murmured.
‘No,’ she said after a while, ‘this is perfect timing.’
I felt a little glow of happiness then, that I had done something to help my sister out of her sadness.
The tour was organised with marvellous efficiency, and we followed our guide into the building, everyone exclaiming at the wonderful kaleidoscope of colours, the towering pillars and vast spaces.
Eventually we returned to find our coach, and the conversation back to the ship was lively with some passengers thinking the building was wonderful, and a few others dismissing it as a tourist trap, a monstrosity, or a gingerbread house.
‘I don’t know about you, but I think we need afternoon tea,’ I said as we got back to our cabin to dump our handbags and souvenirs.
Diana had bought her neighbour Tom a snow globe of the cathedral, which had seemed a good idea at the time. Now, as she shook the sparkly flakes and watched them settle onto the spiky spires, she didn’t look very sure.
‘What was I thinking,’ she said with a sigh, ‘he will probably think it’s tacky, and rather silly. His house has no knick-knacks and the only paint colour he seems to recognise is magnolia. And I’m not much better. When I go home, I’m going to redecorate. And start chucking a lot of things out. It’s time I did. I can’t live in a shrine to the past forever, can I?’
Diana went into the bathroom to freshen up and I sat on the balcony looking out at the cranes on the quayside and I thought about Tom. He obviously had a thing about Diana, well even I could see she was a very attractive woman, so why shouldn’t he? But he didn’t have the spark, the energy that Diana had needed, that was obvious. She hadn’t glanced at the sheaf of print outs he had given her when we left, they were still in a folder at the bottom of the wardrobe, and as far as I knew she hadn’t contacted him at all since then or sent him any pictures as she had promised she would. He would probably be worrying, imagining all sorts of disasters that had befallen her. Planes crashing onto the boat, muggings, and random foreign illnesses.
It was interesting; perhaps well-meaning Tom with his insular, restricting outlook and obsession with the weather, had been pulling Diana into his way of thinking. A few days of sunshine would be in Tom’s mind the prelude to a heatwave and forest fires. Rain would presage floods and ruined crops. Even the mention of a white Christmas made him twitchy. He had aged into the sort of older person who saw danger around every corner. A threat in every stranger. Had Diana been getting like that? I thought about it; it was quite possible she had.
Was I getting like that too? Older people were more aware of problems and dangers, most of us didn’t like to step out of our comfort zones, and when those zones became smaller, the fear somehow became greater, expanding to fill it, like a great, suffocating cloud.
Maybe it was the same for everyone of pensionable age. If a seventy-year-old did something like wing walking or rowing the Atlantic, it usually made it to the national news, as though old people were a novelty act for younger people to marvel at. Great for his age. Still standing upright and speaking in complete sentences. Amazing.
Been married for forty something years? Absolutely astonishing. How many years had I been married anyway? I thought about it, slightly ashamed that I couldn’t remember.
Thirty-three? No thirty-four? The boys were thirty-two and thirty. That meant our next anniversary would be our thirty-fifth. What was that then? Coral? I don’t think we could have any coral presents these days; David Attenborough would be after us. But it wasn’t too late to celebrate what we had.
We were all a long time dead. Knowing he would not live to see the Sagrada Familia completed hadn’t stopped Gaudi, after all.
Our champagne afternoon tea was a delight.
We were shown to our table in the Seabreeze ballroomby a smartly jacketed waiter and in just a few minutes were presented with a beautiful china cake stand, filled with tiny sandwiches, exquisite little cakes, some miniature scones and little pots of cream and jam to go with them.
‘I’ll be mother,’ I said as I poured out the champagne.
‘I wonder how they are getting on back home,’ Diana said. ‘I was thinking about Tom earlier, and being exasperated by him. Worse than that, I realise I was starting to think and behave like him. I know he means well, but he has been making me nervous, unwilling to try anything new. I suggested going into that German supermarket once, the one everyone raves about, and you would think I had suggested visiting an opium den.’
‘Well, I didn’t like to say anything, but I agree and it’s been very difficult to get you out and about recently,’ I said.
‘He always sees the worst in every situation. And it saps my energy. I suppose it’s being on board this ship that has made me realise it. Even couples like Ken and Thelma are giving life a go, aren’t they? And look at Evelyn. She’s in her eighties and game for just about anything. I look back, and I’ve done nothing of any significance since Casper died. And I was so busy keeping the home fires burning when he was alive and away so much, that I didn’t do much for myself then either.’
‘Does anyone really do anything of significance?’ I said, taking a dainty prawn sandwich from the stand. ‘Unless you’re going to win a Nobel prize or lead a military coup somewhere. Most people’s lives are filled with small things, aren’t they? But that doesn’t make them unimportant.’
‘I suppose not. But these few days away have made me see how easy it would be to gently shut down, not do anything or go anywhere new. Not take chances or do interesting and exciting things for the rest of my life.’
‘I’ll give you a bungee jumping experience for your birthday if you like?’ I said.
Diana took a cheese and pickle sandwich. ‘Thank you, but no. I don’t really know what I mean, actually. I just want to do something more than I am doing at the moment. When I was younger and Sam was little, I was teaching, and I felt I mattered. I want to matter again.’
At that moment, a woman, well dressed with a swooping silver bob paused beside our table.
‘I hope you don’t mind me interrupting. You’re Diana Wedderburn, aren’t you? I just wanted to say how much Jack and I enjoyed your talk the other day. On Dick’s Diary. Normally we only listen with half an ear, but you were really interesting.’
‘Golly, thank you. How kind of you,’ Diana said.
Then she realised she was still holding the sandwich halfway to her mouth, so she put it down on her plate.
‘We asked the purser if you were giving any more talks and she said she didn’t know but to keep an eye out on the daily newsletter. I do hope you will. Jack and I – I’m Sandra by the way – were talking to some people the other day and they said the same thing. It’s lovely to be on a ship like this, but we also wanted to know what it’s like for the crew. How the ship is run. I bet you could tell some tales?’
‘She could indeed,’ I said.
Sandra fiddled with her watch. ‘Well, enjoy your tea, this is our fifth cruise. I’m just sorry we didn’t start doing this years ago.’
‘Thank you for stopping by to say hello,’ Diana said, looking slightly awkward but also thrilled.
‘I say, you don’t have a book out, do you?’ Sandra said hopefully. ‘Because I’d buy a copy if you do.’
‘No, nothing like that,’ Diana said. ‘I couldn’t possibly.’
‘I don’t know why. You ought to think about it,’ she said.
Sandra bustled off to where her companion was sitting a few tables away, sat down and gave us a friendly wave.
I was thoughtful for a moment.
‘You see? I was going to say you do matter. Despite all the doubts you’ve been expressing, you were an excellent wife, you’ve been a great mum despite everything you say, you might be a grandma soon enough, and I bet you will be brilliant at that too. You’re a good friend to lots of people and when you were a teacher you taught thousands of kids to read and write and add up. And now you are doing something new and exciting, even if you didn’t expect it.’
‘You’re right. I hadn’t thought about it like that before. And wasn’t that nice of her? To say hello like that?’ Diana said. ‘I’m feeling rather emotional. I suppose I thought I would spend my old age looking after Casper. Which would have meant taking him to A E occasionally when his woodwork projects resulted in an accident. Or watching his diet or giving him his tablets.’
‘Was he on tablets?’ I asked.
‘No, he refused to go to the doctor unless he absolutely had to for work, but everyone seems to be on something eventually, don’t they? Perhaps he should have done. Get over fifty and one is automatically given all sorts of things. And then you have to have some other tablets to counteract the side effects of the first tablets.’
‘I guess I have all that to look forward to with Eddy,’ I said, ‘although he’s on something already from the doctor: statins. He takes them with great ceremony every morning as though he’s doing something clever. He makes such a fuss when he sees me putting butter on my toast. And he would have a fit if he saw this pot of cream. He seems to think it’s poison. But give him a jug of custard or a steak pie and he’ll have the lot. And he can get through a packet of Jaffa Cakes quicker than anyone I know. Those things don’t count apparently.’
Diana laughed. ‘You’ve been married for so long; you must be used to him by now? You always seem so well suited.’
I finished my glass of champagne and topped our glasses up again before investigating the cake stand and choosing a beautifully thin cucumber sandwich.
‘He’s lovely. I’m very lucky. These few days away have made me realise that all over again. We went through a bit of a rocky patch when we were first married, but then we got used to each other. And I can honestly say we’ve been happy. It’s funny but being apart from him has reminded me what a truly nice man he is. But he’s not perfect, before you start thinking that. Even when I’m dolled up to the nines to go out somewhere, I have to drag a compliment out of him. Do you know, I bumped into the first officer yesterday evening. Charles, the one with the dog called Chic. I was on my way to the wine bar, and he said, “madame you look very elegant this evening.” It nearly made me cry. He wasn’t chatting me up, he was just saying something nice, paying me a compliment for absolutely no reason. With Eddy, there’s always that awful throwaway phrase “you know I think you look alright.”’
‘Everyone wants to be appreciated,’ Diana said. ‘Perhaps it’s just their generation?’
‘Now that Eddy has retired, he has plenty of time to help out a bit, it just never crosses his mind. I’m going to have a word with him when I get back. Although he is doing the patio now, and he’s been talking about that for years. Look at Alfred, he’s a man and he doesn’t seem to have any difficulty getting out the J Cloths and the antibacterial spray.’
We carried on making short work of the little sandwiches and cakes, and also polishing off the champagne.
‘This whole experience feels wonderfully decadent, doesn’t it?’ I said. ‘Eating food we haven’t prepared, not doing the washing up afterwards and drinking champagne in the afternoon.’
‘It’s marvellous,’ Diana said, raising her champagne towards me. ‘Hurrah for us.’
We walked back through the central area of the ship, where there was a small shopping area, and duty-free shop which had opened again since we had left Barcelona. We investigated the jewellery and the unusual liqueurs for a while, and Diana bought a souvenir teddy bear with a blue jumper embroidered with Avanti for Sam. Although once she had bought it, she looked at it in some confusion.
‘Sam is thirty-five, he doesn’t need a novelty teddy bear. Do I still think of him as a child who needs to have presents brought back from my holiday? Of course he isn’t. He has a house and a job and a car, and now a fiancée. He’ll be married soon.’
‘It’s just to show you were thinking of him,’ I said.
Diana clutched the bear to her chest and looked rather upset.
‘Do you know, I can see very clearly now that Sam has slipped away from me. Being at boarding school, me spending so much time away with his father travelling. I was nearly always the one to ring Sam, the one to travel to see him. When was the last time he had come back to see me without a pressing reason? Perhaps I haven’t been such a good mother after all. When we get back, I’m going to do something about it.’
‘Hang on,’ I said, grabbing Diana by the arm, ‘we’ve forgotten something.’
‘What?’
‘We’re going back into duty-free and we’re going to buy something. For ourselves.’
Diana looked doubtful for a moment and then her face cleared.
‘Yes,’ she said, ‘let’s.’