Chapter 11
A few minutes later she came out of the bathroom in a white, fluffy dressing gown, and rummaged in one of Alfred’s carefully presented drawers until she found some socks, patterned with flamingos which didn’t exactly go with the rest of her outfit.
‘Go on, I’m all agog,’ I said.
‘Well. We went to one of the more exclusive restaurants – the Italian one. The Puccini. I have to say it was really good, and he’d booked a table. I don’t think I had felt so uneasy for a very long time. A mixture of nerves and a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I eventually identified as guilt. But why should I feel guilty? It wasn’t as though I was doing anything illegal.’
‘Of course not,’ I said. ‘Go on.’
‘He said, “I hope you like Italian food, after all the ship is heading towards Italy. We might as well get into the right mood.” And I said, absolutely, and at the same time I was wondering if I would be able to eat anything at all. Although I was quite hungry. And he did the pulling out my chair thing, and the waiter fussed around us, bringing breadsticks and a bottle of sparkling mineral water and lit the candle on the table. We looked at menus. I honestly couldn’t concentrate on the words; it could have said anything. And so I said have you decided what you want? And he gave me this meaningful sort of look and he said slowly, “Diana, I know exactly what I want.”’
I gasped. ‘Oooh-er. That sounds…’
Diana nodded. ‘Exactly. That’s what I thought. I felt quite odd and worried. So I said, “I’m going to say something before this goes any further.”’
‘Good for you. Please, go on.’
‘I said something like, “It’s very nice of you to take such an interest in me – I know you are very tall, and quite athletic. And attractive. But I think you should know that I am not looking for any sort of… thing.”’
I raised my eyebrows. ‘Should you have told him he was tall and attractive if you were trying to put him off?’
‘Probably not, but it got worse. “I’m not interested in a flirtation or a relationship or anything like it. So, when you say you know exactly what you want, in that rather suggestive, French accent and you give me that look?—”’
‘What look did he give you?’
‘That look, you know what I mean. When his eyes do that twinkly thing. And having said something, I was off on one. Mouth in gear, brain not engaged. “I know you’re suggesting that we might, well, take this to another level. Some sort of fooling about. Shipboard romance or me being taken advantage of. I’m not up for that. I had a very long, happy marriage and I’m not looking for a replacement, however temporary. I’m not a particularly wealthy woman who can be tricked out of money. I did a self-defence class some years ago, run by the Women’s Institute and the local police. And I have a son who is a heavyweight boxer. I’m sorry to disappoint you but I just thought we should be clear with each other.”’
I was puzzled. ‘Sam’s not a heavyweight boxer, is he?’
‘No, of course not. He couldn’t punch his way out of a paper bag. It was just something to say.’
‘And you only went to the first self-defence class, because the second one clashed with something.’
Diana nodded. ‘Eric needed me to look after the baby while Rose went to the spa to have a pamper day.’
‘How much pampering does one woman need? So, what did he say?’
Diana buried her face in her hands and shook her head. I moved over and rubbed her consolingly on the back.
‘I don’t know why you are embarrassed; it sounds to me like you were being honest.’
‘Yes, but then he said, “What I meant was I know exactly what I want. Arancini and then linguini vongole. I, too, am not looking for anything other than a pleasant dinner and a chat.”’
I could feel my face flushing scarlet with embarrassment in sympathy.
‘What was I thinking? What must he think of me?’ Diana wailed.
‘It’s okay,’ I said at last, trying to sound calm. ‘So what did you say?’
‘I said, “I’ll have what you’re having”,’ Diana said, her voice rather squeaky. ‘A real Harry Met Sally moment. I just wanted the floor to open up.’
‘Right. Okay. At least you got the embarrassing bit over with. He’ll have forgotten it by now.’
‘Oh, it got worse, I assure you,’ Diana said.
How much worse could it get? I wondered.
‘So apart from that?’
‘Rapha?l ordered some wine. A bottle of Barolo with a splendid-looking red and gold crest on the label. And he said, “Tell me about yourself, Diana.”I mean, what sort of question is that?’
‘Reasonable, harmless,’ I said.
‘Not with me at the microphone. I went on and on about Casper, how my world feels a lot smaller since he died. And how I missed Sam and what a bad mother I had been. And he started talking about his wife. And I asked about his divorce and what French law was like in that situation. And how long it had taken. It was absolutely everything you shouldn’t do.’
I tried to think of something helpful to say.
‘Were the arancini good?’
‘Absolutely lovely, although I couldn’t finish them, which was the one thing I was glad about, otherwise he would have thought I was a pig. And I kept thinking about Sam. And I started talking about him again; how he wasn’t the sort to come home all the time with his dirty washing and some hungry friends like your two did. Sam did all that travelling with just his passport and a few possessions in a rucksack. He hardly ever came home and when he did, he sometimes felt like a stranger. And found myself telling him how angry I have been with Casper, ever since he died. Just as he was about to retire, and perhaps we would have been able to spend more time together, perhaps we would have made a proper relationship with Sam, been a proper family at last. And it never happened. And then the whole thing suddenly got too much for me and – oh Jill – I started crying.’
‘Oh God,’ I said.
‘I know! And not just a little tear trickling attractively down the side of my cheek, but big gulping, honking sobs. And I blew my nose on my napkin, which is disgusting. I swear all the waiters were looking at us and wondering what on earth was going on.’ Diana got up, wiped away her tears and opened the mini fridge. ‘I need a drink.’
She found a brandy miniature, sloshed it into one of the china tooth mugs and took a big gulp.
‘I didn’t know you felt like that,’ I said. ‘Angry, I mean.’
Diana shook her head. ‘There have been times when I have cursed and shouted and yelled. I’ve been so furious, but it doesn’t get me anywhere. And when I think of Sam – how must it have affected him?’
‘Sam’s always been so independent,’ I said, ‘that’s something a lot of parents would be proud about.’
‘I realised there was nothing I would have liked more than to spend that evening with Sam. Getting to know him again, making up for the opportunities I had missed because for so many years Casper had taken all my focus. And then the blooming linguini arrived. I think they had been holding our order back in the kitchen when they saw the state I was in. And it really was delicious. And had been beautifully arranged in gleaming swirls, with little specks of red pepper flecks and parsley, not just dumped on the plate as I would have done. And they even brought me a clean napkin, so it was obvious they had seen everything. And of course, Rapha?l was sitting opposite me, twirling linguini expertly round his fork. While I was stabbing at it, wondering if I would have the nerve to ask for a knife. And then I dropped some in my lap.’
Diana picked up her discarded dress, pointed at an orange stain and made a mournful face.
‘And then the couple at the next table started having one of those hissing arguments, you know when they think they are being discreet, and everyone knows what’s going on and some people had stopped eating and were obviously listening. The man was complaining about the garlic in everything, and his wife said “It’s a bloody Italian restaurant, Peter. You’re the one who wanted to come here.”It was all I could do not to burst out into hysterical laughter, I was so strung up.’
‘So after that, everything was okay? I hope,’ I said.
Diana took a deep breath. ‘I don’t know how I managed to stay there. But I did. And of course, we are always so polite, aren’t we? Women, I mean. I said how much we liked the photographs he had taken of us and he was really kind and he said, “It’s not difficult when the subject is pleasing.” And I said, “You’re doing that thing again.” And he said, “What thing?” So I told him, “You’re being a charming Frenchman.” And he said, “I’m glad you find me charming.”’
‘That’s very smooth,’ I said.
‘And I said, “Stop it. You can be too charming you know. It makes old women like me uneasy.”’
‘He said, “I am not trying to charm you into anything. It’s nice to spend time with interesting people, to take the opportunity for a good conversation.”’
‘And I got on my high horse, you know. A really massive one with stonking great hooves and a big snorty nose. What the hell was I thinking? “Do you do this a lot then? Find women on their own and wine and dine them?” And he just laughed at me and said, “You know what charming French men are supposed to be like. Continually on the lookout”.’
‘Gosh, that doesn’t sound like you at all!’ I said, well impressed.
‘I know! And then, out of nowhere, my heart did a silly little jump. As though some long-dead spark had fired up inside me. It was most unexpected,’ Diana said, taking another sip of her brandy. ‘And then instead of just cutting my losses we went for a night cap. To the Lautrec.’
‘But Evelyn and I were there, I didn’t see you.’
Diana wasn’t really listening. She was sitting hunched over, holding her brandy glass to her cheek.
‘We probably just missed you. He promised not to twinkle at me or be charming.’
‘Oh well, that’s alright then.’
‘When we got there, I asked for a Casper Wedderburn,’ Diana said, ‘on purpose, and I said it all sort of stuffy, “in honour of my husband.” I was drawing a line, putting up a red flag, making a sort of statement. To me and also to Rapha?l. He said he would have the same, and he definitely twinkled at me. There should be some law against it. “Salut,” he said, “thank you for a delightful evening.”
‘And then we talked about Barcelona and the Sagrada Familia. And that cocktail was really strong and it made me cough a bit. Perhaps that’s why I did what I did next.’
‘Flipping heck,’ I said, ‘what did you do?’
‘I suddenly had the urge to do something outrageous. To prove to myself that there was still life left in me,’ Diana blurted out. ‘I don’t want to resign myself to the years any more. Just to tread water and wait for things to happen. Which is exactly what I have been doing for most of my life. First being married to Casper and the same since he died. Nothing has changed for me for flipping years. Even on this trip, people keep coming up to me and telling me how marvellous he was, what a great captain, what a splendid fellow. It’s as though I am still in his shadow, always waiting to be told what to do by someone else. Only interesting because of Casper. You’re right. Don’t I deserve more than that?’
It was so unlike my sister to talk like this. I knew her well enough to know she cared desperately what people thought of her. Her behaviour, her appearance, her wifely and parenting skills.
Actually, thinking about it, I wasn’t so different. And yet I could see that I had taken a lot of things for granted as the years had passed. My comfortable life, my house with all its appliances and gadgets. My husband.
I had been described as high-spirited as a child, undisciplined as a teenager. And then I had worked in the passport office, married, and had my sons and I became more sensible and careful. Spending all my time looking after and worrying about other people. My family, my ancient father, an aunt who had gone into a care home near my house when she was ill. Why did either of us need to be sensible and careful any longer? Who were we worrying about? Who were we hoping to impress? Perhaps women my age just accepted that they would become a support network for other people as we aged? Until we get to a place where we hope other people will care for us? Diana was right. We did deserve more than that.
I suddenly wished Eddy was there with me, so we could talk about it, and I could tell him how I felt. We were a retired couple in good health, with a lot of history and memories between us, but surely it wasn’t too late to make more?
I realised Diana had finished her brandy and was rummaging in the minibar for something else.
‘For pity’s sake, tell me what happened next,’ I said.
‘We went for a walk on deck. And he said “You look as though you are going to seek an adventure rather than go to bed”. And I said I could hardly go off on an adventure in this dress and these shoes. Which, by the way, were very uncomfortable; they symbolised everything that was wrong with my life. They were dated, too tight and ridiculous. I told you they were painful. And then I pulled them off and stuffed them in a litter bin.’
I gasped. ‘That must be the daftest thing you’ve ever done.’
Diana pulled a face. ‘Thank you for assuming I’ve peaked. And then I said, “Thanks for a great evening.” And I felt all silly and fluttery inside.’
‘You’ve never been a silly, fluttery person,’ I said reassuringly.
‘I thought, “This isn’t the way to end the evening.” And for a moment I even imagined having sex with him, and I’ll be honest, for a moment it seemed like a really good idea. But then I remembered the small cabins the crew have, and I chickened out, so instead, I just kissed him.’
I felt my jaw drop with shock.
‘You didn’t? Wow. You minx. You didn’t? Really?’
Diana gave a funny little smile and nodded.
‘It wasthe first time I had kissed a man for years. I’m only talking about pecks on the cheek before you start asking more questions. It was the first time I have properly kissed a man who wasn’t Casper. And then I scarpered. Do you know, I could almost hear our mother’s voice in my head, “You need to think about what you’ve done.”’
‘Yes, she said that a lot. So how do you feel now?’
Diana closed the minibar and came back to sit down. This time she had two miniatures of brandy in her hands. I thought of mentioning the state of our bar bill, but it didn’t seem the right moment, so I didn’t.
‘Shocked at myself, but I just want to laugh. It’s alright, Jill. I’ve realised it’s alright to do something unexpected and out of character. I’m not going to do anything stupid, don’t look so worried. I’m not going to rob a bank or start smoking a pipe. Or start conning people out of money. It’s not good to be unkind or rude or selfish, but it is alright to have fun.’