Chapter 31
aimee
Asher had started haunting my footsteps again.
I’d thought…I’d hoped that his betrayal would be enough to kick my guilt to the curb—to convince every cell in my body that I didn’t care about him anymore.
The comments that article had generated had wormed their way into the back of my brain, not wanting to leave me alone.
Almost a week had passed since the night Lukas and I spent together.
His coach deemed me a distraction and had whisked him away for heavy duty training.
I barely saw him, and there hadn’t been a chance for a true repeat of that night.
It was amazing how quickly I’d decided I wanted to always wake up next to him, feel his arms around me, the puffs of his breath against my skin.
Since then it had been stolen kisses, and quickies when he could get away.
Eloise had jokingly said she’d been feeling neglected, so I’d been glued to her side listening to her beg for details of the night Lukas and I spent together.
She wanted to live vicariously through me.
She was missing Cami, and needed something other than her spicy romance novels and her vibrator to get her through the rest of the vacation.
The group chat was chomping at the bit too for details—Val wanted all the gossip for book research, and while Lukas had given me the okay to embellish the size of his ego, part of me wanted to keep the majority of what we did to ourselves.
Even if there had been time, with the way guilt plagued my thoughts—I wasn’t sure if I could repeat that night. I’d called my therapist the other night and we’d talked, but I didn’t feel any better.
Asher was everywhere, and it was like I could feel this look of betrayal boring into me every time I thought about everything I’d been letting happen over the last two and a half weeks. He was in all of my thoughts, behind my lids whenever I blinked…in my dreams when I slept.
Every night, he was there when I closed my eyes. The dreams would start as memories, and then they would turn dark and toxic. I was barely sleeping, waking Eloise up at least once a night. She would crawl into my bed and hold me until the panic eased and the shaking stopped.
She never asked, though I knew she wanted to, and every time I opened my mouth to tell her, I couldn’t find the words. I had been subconsciously fearing the return of the guilt. I had hoped that maybe it wouldn’t resurface, that I’d finally moved past it. But that was a fool's hope.
I was trying to fill my days with as much as possible in the hopes that I would be too exhausted to dream about him, but so far it wasn’t working.
I was getting ready to go with my family and Zara, who was as bored without Lukas as I was, to go sledding…
or tubing. I couldn’t remember what mom had said.
I felt like I was in a daze whenever I wasn’t trying to convince my family that I was happy, hale and whole.
But without Lukas around, I felt like tiny little pieces of myself were crumbling away under the guilt and the accusing stare that I seemed to see every time I closed my eyes.
I was pulling on a sweatshirt when my phone buzzed.
Louis Grant
Today 10:15AM
Louis
Hey, so I don't know if Brennan told you, but Nicola decided she wanted to try Soloing.
He also told me about the skater you’ve discovered.
I also just wanted to say I had NO idea about Asher and Brittney. I would have called both of them on that shit if I had.
Aimee
Fuck, she did? Are you okay with that?
Her name is Zara, she’s pretty good.
I got drunk with Eloise and my future SIL after that news dropped.
Louis
I mean, it sucks. But you and I both know she wanted to be a soloist.
I’m just trying to figure out my next steps. Brennan tried to convince her to do both, but you know Nicola, it’s all or nothing, and I can’t blame her for it.
Why wasn’t I invited?
Aimee
When I get home, we can get dinner and drinks.
Louis
You’re assuming Brennan won’t be training my ass into the ground. He has me skating with a temp partner…it’s weird.
Is Zara interested in Pairs? Does she want a partner? Lol
Aimee
I don’t actually know.
I can ask when I see her next.
Nicola is going to place gold in everything as a solo skater, isn’t she?
Louis
Oh, 100%
We’re going to have to back her up against all the haters lmao
We were good together, but we never melded the way you and Ass-her did on the ice.
Aimee
Omfg, I’m showing Eloise that.
She’s going to be so upset she didn’t think of it.
Idk what Brennan’s plans are for her, but if you’re going to need a partner, I wouldn’t be surprised if he makes her try out skating with you.
If Brennan picks her up, she could be amazing.
Louis
Gotta go, Brennan is giving me the death glare.
Tho, Nicola’s might be worse.
I’ll tell them you said hi!
Aimee
I sucked in air as I tried to catch my breath.
Orion had just finished chasing me around with a snowball the size of a planet, threatening to dump it down the back of my jacket.
Running through snow banks was no joke. I wheezed as I watched him tackle Annalise into a tube and they went flying down the hill.
Annalise was doing a weird mix between a scream and a laugh and Orion was whooping.
“This is your brother’s last warning,” one of the safety techs said.
“If he can’t ride down properly, he won’t ride at all.”
It only took two more rides before Orion and the rest of us were escorted off the tubing slope and not so politely told to not come back for the duration of our stay.
“Why couldn’t you just behave?” Mom asked.
He grinned and shrugged. “Where’s the fun in that?”
“We’d still be able to go tubing for the next two and a half weeks,” I said, deadpanning.
I really hoped that they let Lukas and I back, because I wanted to try it out with him. Sledding had been fun, but I think I preferred the giant rubber tubes. Maybe I could weasel my way back into their good graces as long as I left Orion far, far away.
“Aww, don’t worry. I’m sure they’ll let you and your boyfriend go tubing,” he teased.
Everyone froze, and heat bloomed in my cheeks.
I snuck a quick glance at Zara, wanting and not wanting to know how she reacted to Orion being a jerk—but a huge smile was plastered on her face.
She honestly looked thrilled and the reaction should warm me, but it had the opposite effect, and the heat that rose to my cheeks drained as a million memories of Asher threw themselves against my mind.
Boyfriend.
Boyfriend.
Boy.
Friend.
The guilt hit hard and fast, and I knew things with Lukas were too good to be true. We were moving too fast. Too much was happening. We barely knew each other, and those thoughts were reconfirmed with each thought of Asher plaguing my mind.
My breath caught in my throat, and I knew I had to look like I was three seconds away from self-destructing.
It was stupid. Hearing Asher’s voice, the betrayal in it, when in reality I had no reference for his disappointment.
But it was like he was looming over me, hands on my shoulders weighing me down.
A dark insidious whisper in my ear telling me all the worst things about myself.
Fears come to life.
“Aimes?” Eloise said, her voice a bit muted and tentative.
I saw through dark spots as Annalise smacked Orion and he looked stressed. He couldn’t have known that his comment would send me into a spiral like this. It had been a long time since this had happened. I felt my breaths start to come in short pants.
“I’m going to take her upstairs,” someone said.
I clawed at my scarf and jacket, feeling too restricted, like I was choking.
His voice crackled in my ears. Reverberated through my skull. Every part of him infiltrated my senses.
“We’ve got this Aimes.”
“You’re my best friend.”
“We’re going to be together forever.”
“Aimee, I’m your partner and hopefully a friend —“
“I didn’t know it was possible to love someone this much.”
“You’ve got this Aimes.”
“You’ll always take my hand, won’t you?“I want you with me at every step.”
“Is Eloise going to be mad that I’m now your best friend?”
“Be prepared to fight to the death for that role.”
“We got this Aimes. You got this.”
My brain wouldn’t shut up and by the time Eloise had got me to the room.
I’d left most of my layers on the ground behind me. I couldn’t breathe and I stared at my best friend with wide eyes. Eloise grabbed my hands to keep me from scratching myself, because I still felt like I was suffocating. All the years of our lives together played nonstop in my head.