Chapter 32
lukas
I’d just reached the top of the run when Zara called.
Petyr gave me a disapproving look, but acquiesced. Zara was hysterically sobbing, and I couldn’t understand a word she said.
“Bean, give the phone to someone else,” I said, fighting the panic I could feel rising in my chest.
I didn’t know why my sister was distraught, and not being in a position where I could quickly and easily get to her had me stressed.
“It’s Orion.”
“There had better be a good reason my little sister is in tears. I left her in your family's care,” I bit out.
Petry moved closer, concerned etched on his face. He loved Zara and often spoiled her absolutely rotten, so he would care if she was hurt. I held up my finger as I listened to Orion.
“She’s fine, physically. I said something that sent Aimee spiraling—in a way I haven’t seen in months. It stressed Zara out. She’s with my mom and Annalise.”
My pulse quickened.
I’d known something had been up with Aimee.
The few moments we’d been able to steal with Petyr cracked down on training—they’d been a little strained.
It was like she was on edge. Zoning out, looking around constantly.
The dark circles were back under her eyes — she looked haunted.
Anytime I saw her, she was tense and her body would only let go when she could touch me.
Ever since the night we first had sex, something had changed.
I’d thought it had been for the better—that maybe she was finally moving past the guilt, and I’d been honest when I said I wanted to be a safe harbor for her.
Though the fearful part of my brain had me wondering if maybe us moving at the pace we were, had an adverse effect.
I wanted to make the most of the time we had here, set a foundation that would weather the possibility of long distance, but maybe it was too fast.
I could see Petyr out of the corner of my eye and fought the urge to blame him for putting the pressure back on and for making me remember my priorities outside of Aimee.
That I was here for a reason, and it wasn’t solely her.
And for a moment, I hated him for it. I hated my dream, and success and everything that came with it.
“I have at least another two hours of practice., Can she hang out with you guys until then?” I asked, swallowing around the lump in my throat.
“Of course. Mom loves having her around. She’s okay, Lukas. You know your sister idolizes mine. I don’t think she was ready to see what she did. I wish I could go back in time and just not call you her boyfriend,” he said.
It twinged knowing that that was what set her off.
I swallowed the hard lump in my throat, and ran a hand over my mouth.
I had a feeling this all stemmed from that stupid fucking article and the comments it generated.
I hated that those fuckers from before had leaked the story ‘Aimee Bryant Moving On? The Figure Skater’s Love Life After Asher Leland - Fair or Not? ’
I hadn’t even been named, so I shared in none of the notoriety. The piece was in some online rag that published nothing but insubstantial gossip fluff pieces that allowed people online to be caustic and terrible anonymously in the comments.
“Okay, just don’t let either Zara or Aimee be alone tonight.”
Who the fuck was I? Truly?
I didn’t know the first thing about how to navigate this kind of trauma, but the words just kept flowing.
“Just be there for her…I think that we pushed too hard and too fast and the guilt is eating her alive. Orion—she’ll probably hate me for saying this—but she feels so much guilt over that day. And for as much as she’s trying to move on, I think it still overwhelms her.”
I wondered that with everything Aimee went through and got help for—if the same could be said for her parents and her brother.
When the accident happened, there was a moment when no one knew what the outcome was.
The music had kept playing, but the rest of the arena had fallen into absolute silence.
The concern mixed with sheer terror…I couldn’t even make sense of my own emotions that day, so I couldn’t imagine how her family felt…
the not knowing. The seconds felt like minutes and hours until there was movement on the ice. How no one knew how bad it was.
“Orion?” I asked, clearing my throat.
“I don’t…” he paused. “I don’t know how to help her.”
His voice was so broken.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
“She’s my little sister. And I thought she was finally coming back to her old self.”
“What happened to her—that changed her soul deep,” I said, “She lost who she was and the person she thought she’d spend forever with.” I took a deep breath.
I’d gladly gotten lost in the haze that was Aimee Bryant.
Hot, fast, feisty and brilliant—and I didn’t think anything of what jumping in so fully would entail—how it would affect either of us.
I’d wanted to be near her for so long and she was finally here, finally in front of me, finally able to know who I was.
I ran a hand over my face. God, maybe I was a bit stalkerish.
I fell for a girl, and was insanely impressed and obsessed with her.
I occupied her space until she fell in love with me and wanted to be near me.
A terrible realization started to dawn on me, and I rubbed at the ache in my chest.
I cleared my throat. “Check in with her. Talk to her. Get to know who she is now,” I said, “Thanks for taking care of Zara. I’ll check in when I’m done training. But I have to go.”
I closed my eyes and hung up as he said bye, stuffing my phone into my pocket. I would never stop fighting for Aimee—I loved her and had loved her for a really long time. But maybe…maybe—I didn’t want to think about the maybe. It hurt too much.
I opened my eyes, and let out a sigh.
Petyr opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, but I waved him off.
I’d wasted enough of his time recently and I had training to do.
My heart felt like a lead weight in my chest, so I tried to focus.
The race was in two weeks and it would determine whether or not I qualified for the spot on the next Men’s U.S. Olympics Team.
I pulled my goggles back over my eyes, yanking my gloves back on.
I loved her.
I knew that much, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn't. I was terrified that I would constantly be fighting against Aimee’s ghost of a boy who broke her heart…and I would have to decide if that was a fight I should take on.
So for right now, I shut everything out except for Petyr’s voice in my ear and skiing.
Everything else could wait until practice was over.
I felt the snow under my skis, listened to the sound of their edges cutting into the slope and I focused on running the course as smoothly and quickly as possible.
I got lost in the cold air whipping past, the clouds intermittently blocking out the sun—it was me and the mountain.
“Skiers are known to wipe out on the top of the second rise coming up to the first flags, it’s icy and slick—it’s worth eating a second or two of time if it means you finish cleanly.”
I nodded and readied myself to go again.
I listened to the beeps count down and then I pushed off, timing it just shy of perfect and then everything else eddied from my head, and I was a constant left, right, left, right.
I saw the rise Petyr warned me about and I cut my speed just a fraction and still felt the skid, but seconds later I finished clean and Petyr called me back to the top.
“Before you go, ski down it again, but truly get a feel for it, this run isn’t about time, you need to know the course, truly feel it, know it inside and out.”
I inhaled deeply and nodded. This was something he’d had me doing for years.
Intermingled with the speed runs, were these slower ones.
For years, I’d been skeptical about them, but when he had me skiing them blindfolded slowly, skiing them backwards—I hated to say it worked.
It was all muscle memory and come race day, the nerves were just never there. I could ski cleanly and quickly.
“I’ll meet you at the bottom. I want to see this sister of yours before I head out.
And I expect you to actually keep up your training.
I won’t be back until right before the race, but if I have to pay to have you monitored, I will.
Do not throw this chance at the Olympics away because you can’t get your thoughts and priorities in order.
I will not let you throw away years’ worth of work. ”
He was an asshole, but he was one of the best coaches out there. I knew he had my best interests at heart.
I nodded, and swallowed the ball that had lodged itself in my throat.
A lot was riding on this race, and he was right.
I needed to be focused.
A few hours later, I was stowing my gear in the locker The Lodge had provided me.
I was exhausted and sore and later than I’d anticipated getting back.
I’d ended up staying later than I’d intended, skiing the run until the second rise didn’t feel so precarious.
Petyr had left to see Zara, leaving me alone.
Now, making my way back to my room I groaned at the thought of a hot shower.
I stopped at the front desk asking if they’d be willing to send food up to my room.
“Of course, Mr. Fraiser. Anything in particular?”
“A burger would be fantastic, but whatever is on hand will work just as well.”
“Does 30 minutes sound good to you?”
I nodded and thanked the woman working and resumed my trudge to my room. Every part of my body hurt and I couldn’t wait to climb into a hot shower and then into bed.
Hot water beat down my back as I braced my hands against the wall. My eyes were squeezed shut as I breathed.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been standing under the scalding spray but I didn’t care and didn’t want to move.
Zara had been passed out in her room when I’d gotten up here.
Slipping through the door that linked our rooms, showed her fast asleep, clutching her favorite stuffed animal.
I’d brushed her hair off her face, and pressed a kiss to her forehead before shutting the door between us.
I would check in with her in the morning.
I reached down and turned off the water, shivering at the goosebumps that prickled my skin at the loss of the heat.
Quickly, I toweled off and slipped into a pair of sweatpants, just as a knock sounded.
Still toweling off my hair, I opened the door for dinner.
I thanked the person and slipped them a tip and shut and locked the door, then inhaling the burger and fries in record time.
I flipped the tv on to some random movie, turned the volume way down and climbed into bed. Reaching over I turned off the bedside lamp and watched the movie until my eyelids grew too heavy to keep open.
I didn’t want to think about what I was trying not to think about—it felt wrong, like a betrayal…that Aimee could cost me absolutely everything.
She occupied so much of my brain, and had for years.
And now that she was here, and I could touch her, feel her—hell, just talk to her…
I was realizing that I wasn’t as strong as I thought.
That if I truly let her into my life, she would be it all, that I would do anything and everything for her, and I feared that would cost me my plans.
Tears burned in my eyes for how unfair it all was.
How was I supposed to keep my distance when I wanted anything but?
How was I supposed to tell her, explain my fears, especially when she was obviously going through something, struggling with her own trauma?
I knew that she would let me go to her own detriment, and that in doing so, she’d absolutely spiral.
I didn’t want any of that. I wanted her and my career, and I would do whatever I could to hold onto both.
But it wasn’t a lie to say we’d been too fast, too much, too soon and now it was coming back to bite both of us in the ass.
I ran a hand over my face and ignored the wetness leaking from the corner of my eyes.
Tomorrow.
It was a conversation for tomorrow.