Chapter 39 #2
“I know we’ve discussed this before, but feeling guilty is a part of life.
Things happen and we feel regret or guilt for having made a choice.
Sometimes those things aren’t choices, they’re actions that happen to us, rogue elements that we can’t account for.
Asher wasn’t just your partner. He wasn’t just a friend.
Or a boyfriend. He was a multitude of things. ”
“A cheater,” I’d mumbled.
“Yes, a cheater, too. But everything he was to you were monumental pillars in your life. I know we’ve talked about it in the past, about the why and how. But I want you to tell me why. Think about why you still feel such immense and immeasurable guilt.”
“People online—”
“I don’t want or like cutting you off, but people online are always going to have nasty things to say. You were top of your field, you were a public figure at a young age. People online, strangers, they hold no actual bearing on your life. Focus on the personal for a second.”
I sat there, staring at the keys on my laptop, not wanting to meet her gaze while I thought about it. It wasn’t just the guilt over what happened.
“What…what happened that day was an accident. I know that, I watched the video…I probably watched it more than it was healthy to,” I said.
“If it brought you closure, then it doesn’t matter how many times you watched it. Are you still watching it?”
I shook my head. “No. It clarified a lot of things, as did that interview. And suddenly a lot of the guilt dissipated. And maybe that makes me a terrible person, that the guilt over him lessened, the sadness I felt, started to quickly fall away once I learned about him and Brittney.”
“It suddenly felt silly that I’d been mourning him for so long, putting my life on hold when he was planning on leaving, while he was actively cheating on me.”
She didn’t say anything when I glanced at her, so I drew in a breath and kept going. “And Lukas helped. He helped me see the fun in life again, that being sad was okay, but it didn’t have to rule my every waking minute.”
“Firstly, you’re not a terrible person for letting go of negative emotions.
His actions brought clarity and allowed you to see past that day.
It’s perfectly in line with human nature to feel all those things, to allow yourself to let go of the bad stuff, even if the reason is something such as learning an unfavorable truth.
So why do you think you had a dream about Asher—a very traumatic one by your telling. ”
“Did I ever tell you about how I heard my parents in the hallways outside of my room, whispering about how worried they were for me? How Mom didn’t know how to help me and it was hurting her?”
She shook her head.
“That hurt almost as bad as realizing in real time what happened that day, or having my knee operated on. I knew that my pain was eating at those around me and that worsened the guilt. It made me feel terrible honestly, and I think I truly started to hate myself at that moment. Even then I knew that she loved me and just wanted to find a way to help me, to see me smile again, to have this conversation.”
I paused and took a breath. My hands had started to tremble, so I clutched them in my lap.
“She just wanted me to find joy in life again.”
“Let’s get back to the dream. If everything was going better, and you were enjoying life and having fun with Lukas and your family, why do you think you dreamt about Asher blaming you, being aggressive towards you.”
“I think there will always be things that trigger the guilt and the emotions. I don’t think they’ll ever go away.
And I’m not sure if I would actually want them to.
I don’t want to forget him, he was such a huge part of my life.
But I think I was finally, truly moving on.
I was envisioning a life without him. Where he was just a part of my past, a handful of moments I was choosing to leave behind in favor of something brighter and vibrant. ”
“It’s always been harder when I’ve been left with my thoughts.
Lukas was helping, and just learning to live again has been so much help.
I think I got scared. What I feel for Lukas…
it’s so much. I’m terrified of it, but also desperate for it.
It feels nearly impossible that I feel so strongly for him, that I can see a future with him, that I don’t want a future without him in it, but I’ve only known him for a few weeks. ”
“For a huge part of my life, Asher was it. He was my first and was supposed to be my last. But he was my partner, then best friend and then more. It built slowly over years, and it felt like a natural progression. With Lukas it’s been explosive from the beginning.
He’s sweet and kind, but when we come together, it’s like a star going supernova,” I said.
“I think the guilt comes from a place of what you consider to be the status quo for relationships. What you told me about Asher—he was a first for so many things, and you trusted him implicitly. You had to as a skater. For as much as you put your trust and safety in him, he did it in return. So his death and his betrayal was so much heavier, so much more impactful.”
I wiped at a rogue tear that slipped down my cheek.
“It’s okay to cry and to mourn what you lost, but to let it rule your future.
I know you feel like you’re not okay, that you need to fix yourself before you can jump into something with Lukas.
But by the way you talk about it, about the way you talk about your feelings and the relationship between you, I think you’d already figured it out. ”
“New can be scary, but based on what you’ve told me, he’s all in. You’re scared of letting all your walls down, letting him in because the last time you did that, you got hurt.”
“So, I hold myself back?”
“Yes. And it’s understandable. And it sounds like Lukas understood that. He was willing to be there for you.”
“But being there for me was impacting his own career. The last thing I’d want is for him to grow to resent me. If I’m still such a mess—”
“Aimee, you’re not a mess. You’re a person who had something traumatic happen to them.
You’re learning how to cope with it all, and if you’re hoping to start something with Lukas, you can’t be the one making all the decisions.
You have to give him a chance to be there, to manage his own boundaries.
If you throw up all your walls and only give him so much of you… ”
I tuned out, knowing full well she was right.
That as much as I didn’t want things to end between us, I was scared.
I was scared of being hurt again. I’d shut down whatever was building between us to protect myself and told both of us it was for the best. Maybe Lukas did have his own reservations, but I’d never given him the chance to explain them, to talk about them.
I’d never talked about mine. I’d just break down and he’d be there, comforting, checking in, gently forcing me out of my comfort zone.
“Did I fuck everything up?” Tears slipped quietly down my cheeks now.
“I think…I think that if everything you’ve told me, and all the feelings are how you described them, then I think anything is salvageable.”
I wiped my eyes and nodded.
“You’re not at fault. What happened to Asher is not on your hands.
You both knew the risk—of the sport and the moves you were competing with.
He made sure that your safety was paramount, which I know is a job he took seriously as your partner.
Heads are fragile and ice is hard and I’m sure the odds of that happening are a million to one—I’ll have to get back to you on actual numbers. ”
A sad laugh came out of my mouth, and I wiped more tears off my face.
“You could say that if you didn’t do the lift, things would be different.
And yes, maybe, but there are no guarantees.
Dream Asher isn’t…wasn’t real life Asher.
And for whatever he hid from you, you know you knew him.
He was your partner and friend first. You shared a bond before you ever got together romantically,” She paused, looking at me in a very pointed way as if to say, are you listening to me?
“If you see Lukas in your future, have that conversation with him. Talk to him. Tell him everything you’ve told me.
And if you think that things are moving too fast, slow them down.
Build that connection and friendship. Hot, heavy and fast are good for when you want to find reasons, but they’re not the only benchmarks for a relationship.
And if he is as caring as you say, I don’t think he could ever regret you.
Have a conversation, set boundaries and abide by them. ”
“You know, where you were when we first started having these chats to now…you never would have been this open. This—vulnerable with your feelings and emotions. You definitely wouldn’t have confided in me, and you wouldn’t have reached out first.” she said, giving me a small, soft smile.
Hours later I was still lost in my thoughts, I looked at Eloise, and shook my head. She was looking at me a little concerned, “Do you want to go get hot chocolate?”
I gave her a sheepish smile. “Sorry, got lost in my head for a moment. I think hot chocolate and a walk would be perfect.”
There was a little maintained trail around the property. It was cloudy and the smell of snow was in the air. Eloise linked her arm with mine and the gravel and salt crunched under our boots.
“I know I’ve been a really shitty friend the last year and a half,” I said.
“Aimee, you know I’ve never thought that.”
“I know. But I have been, and I don’t think I’ve ever apologized.”
Our boots crunched over the rock salt littered over the ground.
Birds chirped at each other in the trees high overhead.
The squeals of distant laughter filtered through the air, and it smelled like the coming snow, woodsmoke and pine.
The sun was trying to break through the clouds, casting intermittent sunny patches on the ground.
“I’m sorry.”
Eloise stopped walking, and I halted when she whirled to face me.
“I’ve never once been mad at you. You checking out was survival, and I understand that.
Do I wish we could have mourned together?
Yes, because he was my friend, too. I know you lost more than him that day, and I wanted to be there for you.
So, you really don’t have to apologize. I love you no matter what. ”
I blinked back tears and threw my arms around her, careful of both our hot chocolates.
“I love you so much,” I mumbled into her shoulder.
“And I love you. But if we want to talk about things I am mad at you for, we can.”
I pull back and frown at her, furrowing my brows.
“Well, I guess I’m not mad per se, because you totally deserved for Lukas to blow your back out, and get you off in the lounge, and in the library, and outside near the shed, and—”
“Eloise!” I yelled through a whisper.
“I had expected for this to kind of be a girls trip, so I’m a little annoyed you ditched me for some hot ass, but I also can’t blame you because if I had your life the last few weeks…”
I laughed and shoved her lightly.
“Is Cami ready for you to come home?”
“Oh, I’ve relayed everything. We’re not leaving a bedroom for a day at least. Plus, I read this really good, really spicy romance recently, and I sent it to her because there was a scene in it I’m desperate to try.”
“Oh my God.” I laughed.
“I’m going to be sending it to you as well. And you will read it, and you will agree with me.”
I sighed and shook my head. “You’re insane.”
“Yeah, but I’m yours and there’s no return policy.”
“Unfortunately,” I grumbled, hiding my smile.
“Bitch,” Eloise said grinning.
“I am sorry for ditching you. None…none of this was planned.”
“I know, and I know how much he helped you. I can’t be mad about that.”
I took a sip of my drink and contemplated my next words. “I can’t be mad either. I think we both just got so caught up in the fire of it all. I think it was always set to crash and burn.”
“Aimee, I think you’re wrong. Well, maybe not entirely.
Yes, it all happened whirlwind fast, but seeing you with him, how you acted…
you never were like that with Asher. Yes, you were happy around him, full of heart eyes and eyelashes fluttering and rosy cheeks.
But—at least to me—it felt like you were doing the expected thing.
Partners, to friends, to romance. I’m not saying it wasn’t real, or true, or that your feelings weren’t valid.
But you and Lukas were on fire from the moment you met, and he challenged you. ”
I stopped walking and looked at my best friend.
She was biting her bottom lip, looking worried. I thought about what she said. I had that whole conversation with my therapist and really all I needed was my best friend's opinion. She knew me and had known me longer than Asher did.
“You know, I should have just paid you my therapist fees.”
“I mean, I take retroactive payments,” Eloise quipped.
I laughed.
“I think you might be right about Asher, about Lukas. I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to work through everything.
I came on this trip to appease my parents and ease my guilt about making their lives hard.
Pretty much everything that has happened the last few weeks, I never accounted for, and honestly, my head is reeling. ”
“Understandably. The only thing that didn’t shock me was finding out Brittney really was the bitch I always thought she was.”
I couldn’t hold back that laugh that broke free from my chest. Eloise joined in and suddenly laughing felt like the only thing I could do. Every time we started to calm down, we’d look at each other again and start laughing. By the time I’d stopped, my stomach hurt and tears rolled down my eyes.
“It might not have been the vacation I’d wanted or envisioned, but it’s been pretty good.”
“Fantastic really,” Eloise agreed.