Chapter 3
Jasmine
One Month Later
RJ was still in a coma, and his condition wasn't getting any better.
I'd spent damn near every hour sitting beside his bed, watching his chest rise and fall with the help of that machine, being afraid every time his fingers twitched, or the heart monitor changed rhythm.
I kept hoping that when he finally opened his eyes, I would be the first person he saw.
Seeing him lying in a hospital bed with wires attached to his body and a ventilator breathing for him was the worst thing I'd ever seen in my life, and I'd actually seen someone die before. My mama was taking it hard, and my brother couldn't stand to look at him whenever he visited the hospital.
This was proof that you never really knew where life would take you because just months ago I was living my life without a care in the world. Now my days were filled with worry, even when I wanted to sleep.
Though it pained me to see him in that hospital bed under all those wires, my baby looked like he was asleep, and that gave me the smallest bit of comfort in the middle of all this pain. At least one of us was getting rest right now because I knew I wouldn't until he woke up.
I was up at all hours of the day and night, praying that one day he would open his eyes for me and prove these restless nights were for a reason. I hoped that one day I would have a testimony like the ones I'd heard in church and that my prayers for healing were being received.
My mama and the church members were the only reason I even left the hospital today because the church held a prayer circle for him after service. The whole sanctuary was filled with people calling RJ's name out to God, crying, singing, and speaking healing over my baby.
After service, everyone begged for me to come back to my mama's house for at least a few hours, and honestly, my body was starting to shut down from barely eating or sleeping, so I agreed.
Now I was lying in my bed staring into the darkness while the room sat quiet around me. My mattress was soft, but no matter how comfortable I felt physically, my mind wouldn't let me rest.
When the bedroom door cracked open, Crew leaned his head inside.
“You need anything from the bodega? I'm about to go grab another wood.”
His voice sounded softer than I was used to hearing. There was no joking, no slick comments, no attitude. Just him checking in on me.
Even after finding out about me and Hov, he was still there for me, and that meant a lot. I expected him to call me all types of insults like he usually did, but he hadn't said any of them which was just weird.
Almost like it never happened. He must’ve known that the slightest name calling would’ve probably sent me over the edge. Made me feel like life was getting so far away from better that better would never happen.
“Nah, brother, I'm okay. I don't want anything.”
“Aight, let me know if you do,” he replied before his eyes shifted toward the sandwich sitting untouched on the nightstand beside me.
“You eat yet?”
My eyes followed his toward the sandwich Mama had made earlier. It had been sitting there so long that the bread was curling around the edges.
I thought about lying out of habit, but the proof that I hadn't eaten was sitting right there.
“Nah. Maybe later.”
Crew didn't reply. Instead, he walked closer to the bed and leaned down, pressing a soft kiss against my forehead.
The gentleness of it almost broke me instantly because that rough, loud version of my brother disappeared the second RJ got hurt.
It was like I lost two people that day.
“Try to get some rest, Jas,” he whispered before walking back out of the room.
The second the door shut behind him, the silence rushed back over me, and I felt my face tightening immediately while I fought to hold the tears back.
I rolled onto my side, and my eyes landed on RJ's little section of the room.
His tablet was sitting on the charger beside the wall, exactly where I had left it the day his father came and took him from me.
Next to it was a small stack of picture books, all lined up neatly because he hated when they weren't. One of them was turned sideways, and normally he would've fixed it the second he noticed.
My baby was so neat when it came to his personal belongings.
I sat up and stared at it for a minute.
The room had been so quiet lately and too quiet if you ask me.
RJ always made noise, even when he wasn't talking. If he wasn't watching the same cartoon for the hundredth time, he was tapping on his tablet, lining his toys up, humming to himself, or asking me the same question over and over until he got the answer he wanted.
Now there was none of that. Just a silence that was killing me by the second.
I got out of bed and walked over to his area before picking up one of the books from the stack. It opened right to the page he'd folded down weeks ago.
A sad laugh slipped out of me.
"Boy, you know I told you not to bend these pages."
The words left my mouth automatically.
For a second, it almost felt normal.
Like he was in the bathroom or in the room with Mama and was about to come running back into the room at any moment.
I carefully flattened the page with my hand and put the book back where I found it.
Then my eyes landed on his headphones hanging from the bedpost.
I don't know why that got to me more than anything else.
Maybe because he never went anywhere with me without them. I’m sure Reggie had some for him at their place, but these were the ones that I was used to seeing him in most of the time.
Hospital or not, those headphones should've been on his head right now.
Instead, they were hanging there waiting for him.
I looked away before my mind could go any further with that thought and I crawled back into the bed where I felt my most comfortable.
As soon as my head touched the pillow, the bedroom door cracked open.
This time it was Pernelle.
“Hey, sister.”
“Hey.”
She stepped into the room slowly, like she already knew I was barely holding myself together.
“I know you probably wanted to stay in this bed all day, but I think you should come outside for a minute and get some fresh air.”
“Fresh air?” I laughed dryly.
“It was gloomy as hell outside earlier.”
“Yeah, it was, but the sun is out now,” she replied while sitting beside me on the edge of the bed.
“The clouds moved completely out of the way.
It's bright outside now, Jas. Real bright.
I think God heard us today. I really do.
It's been dark and cold every day this whole week, then all of a sudden, after that prayer circle, the sun comes out.
Now, I'm not the most religious person in the world, but if you ask me, that's nothing but God telling us that he heard our cries.”
The moment she said that, tears slid down my face before I could stop them, and Pernelle instantly reached over and wiped one away with her thumb.
“So, do you want to come outside for a minute? No pressure. Just a minute.”
After sitting there for a few seconds, I finally nodded before slipping my shoes on.
I grabbed my sunglasses off the nightstand because my eyes were so swollen that I didn't want anyone seeing what I looked like right now.
The second I stepped into the hallway, I heard kids running around the house, and for once it didn't sound like torture.
Maybe it was because all I could focus on was that tiny piece of hope Pernelle had managed to place inside me talking about the sunshine outside.
Truthfully, I couldn't wait to hear my son doing the same thing around here one day, running around with his cousins like he used to.
I knew I had to speak that kind of stuff into existence if I wanted him to get better.
Thinking negatively wasn't going to bring my baby off that machine and back into my arms.
Pernelle and I walked past the living room where my sisters sat quietly talking amongst themselves, but the second they noticed me, they got quiet.
Before we could make it to the front door, Vanessa stood up from the couch, and my body instantly tensed when she approached me.
“Jas.”
I turned around to face her behind my sunglasses.
I hadn't really spoken to her since our argument, and truthfully, I could barely look at her without feeling something ugly rise inside of me.
Part of me was terrified that if I caught even the slightest hint of an I-told-you-so look on her face, I would lose my fucking mind.
The guilt of not getting to my son fast enough was already eating me alive, and hearing judgment from someone else would make that guilt feel even more real.
Pernelle quietly stepped back, leaving just me and Vanessa standing there face to face.
“I just wanted to say.” Vanessa started before looking down for a moment.
“I just wanted to say that I love you, baby sister, and I'm sorry that I don't know what words to say right now to bring you comfort.”
Her hands twisted together nervously while she spoke.
“And it sucks because I usually have too much to say, but when I need the words most, I can't find them.”
The crack in her voice finally made me look at her fully.
“But just know that I'm here for you. No matter what. And I love you so much. Church today really touched me, and I feel so, so bad for you, Jasmine. I couldn't imagine.”
She shut her eyes tightly for a second before continuing, as if getting the words out physically hurt her.
“You were, I mean, you are a great mother, Jas. A great aunt, a great sister, and a great person. We're going to get through this together. All of us. And I mean it.”
Her eyes opened and locked onto mine.
“Thanks, Vanessa. That means a lot. I appreciate it.”
With no more words spoken, we pulled into a hug so tight I was sure our bodies had locked together.
She started crying, and so did I until the tears finally stopped and we let each other go.
“Okay, come on, sis. Let's step outside and see that sunshine now.”
Pernelle reached her hand out and helped me outside.
When we stepped onto the stoop, I realized Pernelle was right.
The weather had completely changed since we came back from church.
The gloomy skies were gone, and sunlight poured onto the block so warmly that, for the first time in days, I felt something besides grief sitting on my chest.
Even the breeze felt different.
In front of the house, Crew and his homeboys were gathered around the cars. Some sat on the hoods while others leaned against the doors, passing a blunt around.
I instantly recognized everybody.
Bam. Scotty. Kim. Elijah.
And Hov.
The second my eyes landed on him, my nerves flared.
I hadn't spoken to him since RJ slipped into that coma, and truthfully, I didn't know what there was left to say.
Even now, after all this time has passed, I still didn't know if Hov was RJ's father.
I never asked whose rare O-positive blood they used for RJ's transfusion because if it wasn't mine, it more than likely belonged to his real father.
No matter what was going on with the DNA, at least Hov showed up at church today.
No, he didn't sit in the front row pretending to be RJ's father or putting on some performance for people, but he was there.
And that mattered to me more than he would ever know.
Reggie, on the other hand, had only come to the hospital a few times the first month he was there, crying over Rj’s bed like he was so hurt.
He and his family would shoot nasty looks my way like my baby hadn’t gotten hurt under their care.
I still didn’t have the energy to say what I really wanted to say to any of them, because right now grief was weighing heavier on me than anger.
They eventually stopped showing up and I hadn't seen Reggie in weeks.
Pernelle and I sat down on the stoop, and for the first time in a while, I actually let myself look up instead of down.
The sky was bright and clear, painted a beautiful blue with clouds stretched across it so perfectly that I found myself trying to find comfort in whatever message God was sending through all that beauty.
For a few moments, I let myself get lost in it. I saw the hope that Pernelle had spoken of—that gleam of a better life ahead, peeking through the clouds. I was never one to see the beauty in the earth or the signs Mother Nature gives us. But today it symbolized hope and peace, even if only briefly.
When my eyes drifted back down to the block, I scanned the street absentmindedly, watching people move around and cars passing slowly, until my attention landed on Amir Quatar, walking up toward Crew’s car with that undeniable swag he always unintentionally carried.
Instantly, all the dudes standing around the cars turned toward him. That was that aura I was talking about. Even to some of the hardest niggas around the city, Amir deserved attention and respect when he walked up.
He greeted everybody casually, moving through the group in that calm, confident way he always carried himself.
He was still dressed in his native clothing, probably because he’d come straight from the church to here.
I had caught small glimpses of him earlier, and I was shocked to see him there due to our cultural differences, but he was, and that meant a lot.
I hadn’t actually heard from Amir since the trip to the hospital. I’m sure everything he witnessed that day was traumatizing and eye opening for him, especially about the baby daddies diabolical.
But little did he know the old Jas died when Rj got hurt, and I no longer feel the same, look at life the same, nor do I crave the same things I used to.
Now, instead of the company of a man, I am craving peace and hope, all while secretly pregnant with Amir’s child. A child that no one else knows about, but me.
I can't believe through all of this, I am carrying a baby.