Chapter 33 #2
“I’m judging you for saying that again.”
“As I mentioned to you, David used to work with me.” Yasmine stopped for a moment.
“It was before I met Adam. We had a thing for a few months but he had to move away for work. I always had fond memories of him but you know, you don’t really give it that much thought when it happens.
You’re not going to think of every breakup as ‘the one who got away’ but David was exactly that. ”
Julie was puzzled. “So you saw him again and it was love at second-sight?”
“Not really. This isn’t a movie.”
“I don’t watch movies where that happens, but again, your movie tastes are questionable.”
“Shh. Do you want to know the rest of the story or not?” Yasmine jokingly scowled.
“Anyway, the night before the wedding, I couldn’t sleep and I texted him after reconnecting earlier.
He was still up and we decided to both get into our cars and meet up halfway.
We parked on a country road next to a field and talked about nothing and everything.
” Yasmine had a faraway look in her eyes.
“I told him what I just told you about Adam and he told me that it was up to me but if I wanted to run away at the altar, he’d be there.
I went back to the house and mulled it over all night.
I still didn’t know if I would go through with it. Then at the last second, I did.”
“So are you guys dating?”
“God no! I just got out of a relationship, Julie. I don’t know what’s gonna happen but for now we’re happy being in each other’s lives. He’s thinking about moving back here.”
“Fair enough, if I had to deal with Parisians on a regular basis, I’d also be desperate.” Julie thought for a second. “You never mentioned that you dated him.”
“No, it was doomed from the start. We both knew he was going to move away. I didn’t tell you at the time because even for me it didn’t even register as a huge event in my life.”
Julie sat back in her chair, staring up at her ceiling.
She let out a long breath. “What a story!” She understood Yasmine’s worries about being judged but she failed to see how she could’ve done that.
Sometimes life was just messy and as long as Yasmine was taking care of herself, Julie was happy. “How have you been doing? How’s Adam?”
“Let’s say I’m fine. I told Adam I was sorry but he needs some time. It’s alright, I’ll deal with it.” Yasmine’s face got sombre.
“But I’m sure he’ll release one hell of a breakup album when he’s over it.”
Yasmine cracked up. “The fans can thank me.”
Julie laughed too, and then couldn’t stop laughing.
It was the release of all the tension accumulated in the past week.
They both shook with laughter at the complete absurdity of the situation.
How was this their lives? How had any of this been real?
Julie was still laughing when Yasmine sat forward and looked at her earnestly.
“What about you?”
Julie wiped tears from her eyes. “Me?” She snorted.
Yasmine raised one eyebrow. “Yes, you. Have you seen that Zoe’s getting married this month? How do you feel?”
“Well that’s good for her. It doesn’t change a lot if it’s this month or a few months from now, does it?” She took a nonchalant sip of her glass of wine.
Yasmine sighed. “Really?”
“Yes. Duh!” Julie feigned being outraged.
Yasmine just looked at her for a moment.
“I think you’re a genius, Julie.”
“How so?”
“Because you’ve invented a whole new concept.”
Julie chuckled, humouring Yasmine. “What is it?”
“You know how I mentioned David was ‘the one that got away’?”
Julie nodded.
“Well, you’ve invented Zoe as ‘the one you keep pushing away’.”
“What? What do you mean?” She guffawed and mentally crossed her fingers for her lying to be convincing enough, just this one time. “That doesn’t make any sense, we’re just friends-”
“You’re not. You’ve never been. I’m not stupid.”
Julie stopped laughing.
“We never dated.” That wasn’t a lie.
“That doesn’t mean that there’s nothing between you two.”
Julie went silent, looking at her fingers.
“How did you find out?” She eventually asked.
Yasmine laughed out loud. “I’ve been friends with you for forever and I’ve known Zoe for more than ten years, you think I never noticed?
How Zoe was always finding excuses to crash at your place when we were flatmates when she could’ve just gone home with me?
The way you’ve always looked at Zoe with puppy eyes?
That you suddenly stopped talking to each other the night you two kissed for a bet?
Then the fact that she would always ask me about you after that and then pretend that everything was fine?
And the night of my bachelorette when she kept looking over her shoulder waiting for you to arrive and then the fact that you ignored her all evening-”
“Yes! OK! Fine!” Julie spoke loudly to put a stop to the roasting she was getting from her best friend. “I admit it! I had a crush on Zoe back then and apparently it was reciprocal but I had no idea.” Just saying it left a bitter taste in Julie’s mouth, thinking about what she could have had.
“Come on, it wasn’t just ‘back then’. I think it’s cute how you two act like nobody’s seeing how gay you are for each other.
” Yasmine stopped. “Can I say that? Can allies use ‘gay’ like that?” She looked more worried about word usage than the fact that Julie was being absolutely called out.
“Maybe I shouldn’t, Zoe might be bi or something, it wouldn’t be fair.
” She thought again. “But you’re two women so it is a gay relationship. Right?”
“Zoe’s sexual orientation isn’t really the issue here.” Julie hissed.
“It kinda is though, you don’t think?” Yasmine grinned. “Anyway, am I in the wrong about you two or not?”
Julie was cornered. Maybe it was better for her to come clean to Yasmine rather than deflecting everything and risking more bullying.
“No you’re not wrong.” She sighed before tears flooded her eyes. “We slept together during your wedding weekend and now she’s fast tracking her wedding, I don’t know what’s going on.”
“You hooked up with Zoe?” Yasmine was delighted but then seemed to realise the full implication of it. “Oh man… You hooked up with Zoe.” She took that in for a moment. “And she came back and decided to tie the knot with her fiancé?”
“She probably thought all of this was a mistake or something. Just like when she left ten years ago.”
“Wait what? You hooked up ten years ago already?”
“No, we only kissed then.” Julie sighed. “It was after that stupid bet. She stayed at my place and we spent all night wrapped in each other kissing. Don’t make that face, you’re the one who wanted to know everything!”
“Sorry, there are some things that friends would rather not picture. Please go on.” Yasmine poured herself another glass of wine.
“The next morning, Zoe just left me hanging. She told me she didn’t want to but she had to go back to your place to help with the plumber fixing the sink.” Julie wasn’t even sure if that was the truth, or an excuse Zoe made up to play with her feelings just a little bit more.
“I remember that,” Yasmine interjected. “I didn’t want the plumber to scam us and thought maybe with the two of us there he would feel more intimidated.” She paused. “I’m pretty sure we still got scammed.”
Julie sighed. “Anyway, after that she acted like that night was a mistake and I didn’t want to hurt myself more than I already was so I slowly let our friendship die out.” Saying it out loud made Julie realise how cold she’d been, but it didn’t really matter any more, did it?
Yasmine nodded. “I can tell you that Zoe had been very hurt by that.”
“And so was I,” Julie said, defensively.
“Sorry.” Yasmine thought for a second. “She really told you that it was a mistake? That’s harsh.”
“Not exactly.”
“Still, it’s not a really nice thing to say. Has she apologised?”
“No.” Julie paused. “It’s complicated.”
Yasmine looked puzzled. She rubbed her eyes. “Julie… What were Zoe’s actual words from ten years ago?”
There were no words, but Zoe had implied it, Julie was sure of it. “We didn’t talk about it, but she acted like it was a mistake and then she went back to London.”
“So… She didn’t actually tell you that it was a mistake.” Yasmine squinted.
“No, but it felt all the same!”
“OK I see. And now she came back into your life, slept with you and then left again.”
“Exactly.” Julie was relieved that Yasmine finally understood her point.
“And this time, did she tell you that it was a mistake?”
“Not like that. We were supposed to meet up and talk it through but she left me hanging because she had to go back to London.”
“Really? Why?” Yasmine looked very surprised. Maybe she didn’t understand what Julie was trying to say after all.
“I don’t know! To get married to her fiancé probably.” Julie said it more harshly than she intended. This wedding was really like a black cloud that could ruin her day at any moment.
“She didn’t tell you why she had to leave?”
What was Yasmine’s problem? Wasn’t it enough to know that Zoe had stood her up? It meant so much more than words.
Julie shook her head. “I had her on the phone but I wasn’t really into hearing excuses.”
Yasmine was clawing at her own face. She let out a guttural groan, sipped her wine then suddenly stood up. She paced back and forth, started a sentence several times before shaking her head and then let out a big sigh.
“I know… It’s sad but I think I just need to forget about Zoe. It wasn’t meant to be back then and it surely isn’t now.” Julie said, defeated. “I hope she’ll have a nice wedding.”
“Julie.” Yasmine said bluntly. “You’ve been my best friend for I don’t know how long any more.” It was a matter-of-fact declaration. The kind that preceded harsh truths. Julie braced herself.
“You’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever met. I want to strangle you right now but you’ve been so nice to me about me ruining my own wedding.”
Julie had no idea what was going on.
“Do you know that Zoe kept a picture of the two of you on her fridge for years? Every time I visited her it was still there.” She took a deep breath. “I always assumed that you two broke up and you didn’t want to tell me because you didn’t want to ruin our friendship or something.”
“Wait, Zoe kept a picture of me?” The thought of Zoe looking at a picture of them every time she cooked was enough to put a dumb grin on Julie’s face.
“Julie, stay focused.”
Julie nodded.
“Now that I know the truth, I can safely tell you that all of it is stupid.”
“Hey! Be nice!” Julie frowned. “I know it’s stupid, I should’ve just forgotten about her.”
“No! You shouldn’t forget about her! You should tell her how you actually feel!” Yasmine was gesticulating wildly now. Some wine jumped out of her glass onto the floor but Julie felt like she couldn’t really interrupt to clean it.
“What’s the point of it now, though? She moved on and is getting her big celebrity wedding this month.” Julie said it almost sarcastically.
“You’re making her out to be this big mean cruel person, but you and I both know she couldn’t be farther from that. She hasn’t changed since college, and you still mean a lot to her. At the very least you should hear her out.”
Julie was silent.
“I know you’re scared of being hurt. But being hurt isn’t always a bad thing. You have to give a chance to people you actually care about. I’ve seen you date so many girls and you’ve never looked as happy as when you were with Zoe, but I guess at least you were safe.”
Julie didn’t want to hear any of it any more. She knew it was all true but it was too hard. Why couldn’t it just be easy? Why did it have to be like this?
Yasmine wasn’t done. “You decided that Zoe didn’t care about you and was considering you ‘a mistake’ but you know it’s not the truth. She never said that. She might be just as scared as you. You can’t be mad at a version of her that you don’t even know exists.”
“But she pushed her wedding date forward.” Julie hoped this would end the conversation.
“I was also about to marry someone I didn’t want to be with.” Yasmine said, ending the conversation definitively.
Julie stared down at her table. She didn’t want to have hopes for Zoe any more.
She didn’t want to be in love any more. And yet…
Yasmine was right. It was easier for Zoe to be this mean attractive woman who was playing with Julie’s feelings, because it was somebody that Julie could be mad at and forget.
But Yasmine’s words were digging up the real Zoe that Julie had tried to bury.
The Zoe who stayed up late with her to study for finals and would wrap a blanket around Julie’s shoulders when she fell asleep at the table.
The Zoe who forgave Julie even though she’d treated her in the worst way possible for the past ten years.
The Zoe who always cared about her but Julie denied it because she was too scared.
Maybe it was time to let go of that fear that had been eating Julie and destroying anything good in her life?
Yasmine was standing, arms crossed, a sad look on her face.
“I’m sorry, I know it’s a lot but I can’t go another ten years of seeing you both like that and being stuck in the middle,” she sighed.
“If you’re not doing it for yourself, do it for Zoe.
She deserves to know how you feel about her.
” Yasmine was starting to gather her jacket and purse. She was ready to head home.
Julie’s thoughts were going in all directions.
It felt like she was given the key to her own cage, but opening the door meant that it could be a reality in which Zoe told her no.
She could declare her love to Zoe and it wouldn’t mean that Zoe would run away at the altar to be with her.
It was a frightening possibility, but Julie couldn’t live in limbo any more and pretend that pining after Zoe forever was a better destiny than having a definitive answer, whether it was positive or not.
The sound of Yasmine’s trainers against the wooden floor was nearing the front door of Julie’s apartment. Julie snapped out of it and ran after her friend.
“I’ll do it, Yas. I’ll tell Zoe how I feel.” Julie felt a lump in her throat. “I’m not gonna be an idiot any more.”
Yasmine smiled at her. “That’s bold of you to assume.”
Julie grinned back. “At least, I will be a little bit less of an idiot.”
“I believe in you. You can do it. I’ll see you later.” Yasmine waved at Julie and closed the door of the apartment.
Julie stood for a minute in her hallway, not really knowing what to do with herself. She just knew she had to call Zoe.