Chapter 34
“I’m so sorry, Zoe. But I can’t just say that. It would be bad publicity.”
Bad publicity? Zoe gritted her teeth. That was rich of Harry to worry about bad publicity when he was responsible for the nightmare of the past few days.
“That’s not my problem, Harry. I’m not going to wear their wedding dress because there isn’t any wedding!”
“They’re haute couture ! This is one of the best deals I’ve gotten you along the years!” Harry chuckled as if Zoe was insane for saying no to that.
“I don’t care about the deal,” Zoe growled at him.
“I told you I would think about moving the wedding date up. I said I would talk to Tom and let you know in a few days. And then I find out, from a tabloid reporter , that my publicist has put out a press release announcing the date of my wedding. In two weeks . So that is the problem I want solved, Harry. Figure it out, do whatever you need to do, but when you call me back, I want you to tell me that the deal is off and this whole situation is being handled.” Zoe hung up and wanted to slam her phone on the ground.
She had never spoken to Harry that way before.
She’d never spoken to anyone that way before.
But she’d never, ever, been angry like this.
She felt awful, like a black ball of negativity was festering in her chest.
“How’d it go with Harry?” Nicki yawned from the couch in the living room. She’d spent the past few days at Zoe’s place trying to get her out of this mess.
“As soon as this is all over, he’s fired,” Zoe snapped. “I know he’s done a lot for me, but I can’t do this any more.”
“Agreed.” Nicki let out another yawn. “I still don’t get why he did this.”
“Because he thought he was solving all my problems, and his own too, in one brilliant move. Because he knew Tom would go along with it, leaving me stuck in the middle.” She was furious with Harry, but she was even angrier with how Tom had acted.
He’d made all the right noises about how unfair it was that she hadn’t gotten a say, but then he’d taken her hands and earnestly told her that sometimes you needed a little nudge from the universe in the right direction, and maybe that was how they should take this turn of events.
She hadn’t admitted to anyone, not Tom, not even Nicki, how deeply that had upset her.
She plopped down on the couch next to her assistant.
They hadn’t left the house in days, trying to put out one fire after another, but Zoe’s phone and mailbox were overflowing with offers from vendors.
Harry had had the incredible idea of whispering to some people in the industry that Zoe still had to book everything for her dream wedding, and now the entirety of London was trying to sell her something.
Zoe put her head in her hands and tried to focus. “What did we answer to the producers of the show?”
“They really insisted on talking to you about a Cooking from A to Zoe special wedding episode for next season and wanted to get exclusive glimpses into your wedding menu. I told them everything would follow in a press release, but they’re still hounding me.
They say it’s time sensitive because they want it to be the season premiere. .”
“Oh god. They’re really all vultures, the lot of them.”
She sat up and glanced at Nicki, her hair dishevelled and dark circles under her eyes, hunched over a laptop typing polite answers back to a mountain of people.
Zoe herself wasn’t looking so great either, she knew.
Tom, on the other hand, had looked surprisingly fresh the last time she’d seen him, on his way out to a meeting with studios again for his film project.
He’d asked once if Zoe wanted to work on any wedding preparations with him, but she’d turned him down and he had the sense not to push it.
Besides, Zoe was certain he was running his own wedding preparations on his side so that everything would be ready for the big day.
She gazed out her big bay window. One of her neighbours was having a barbecue and the smoke was rising above the green wall at the end of her lush yard.
How she yearned to be like these people, cooking out and spending time with their friends.
To be so oblivious to this nonsensical situation she was in.
Why was she doing any of this?
She didn’t want Harry to get deals with fashion designers for her dress.
She didn’t want to buy wedding honey made from an ecological apiary on the rooftop of a London office.
She didn’t want the producers of her show to film her wedding.
She didn’t want to spend any more minutes having Nicki answering politely to people she had to suck up to.
It felt like her own wedding - her own life - was slipping away from her fingers.
If only she could’ve gotten married on her own schedule.
First of all, she could’ve gotten over her stupid tryst with Julie.
She could’ve told Tom about it and worked it out together.
She could’ve gone and picked her own dress with her mum.
Not that she ever gave much thought about her wedding dress, but at least it was better than having Harry pick it for her.
She could’ve also chosen her caterers. There was that small team that she worked with for a wedding last year, based just outside of London.
She would’ve also had more time to work on the wedding invites.
While she was at it, she would’ve preferred it not to be at Tom’s family’s countryside estate.
And most of all.
She could be marrying someone other than Tom.
The thought seemed to vibrate and glow in her exhausted mind, the only thing she was suddenly sure of.
She didn’t want to wake up next to him every morning.
She didn’t want to spend the rest of eternity with Tom.
She wasn’t ready to spend her life in a media circus and worry about publicity and be stressed out all the time, not for him.
Before she could stop herself, Zoe started speaking. “Nicki, why are we doing this?”
Nicki stopped typing, looked up from her keyboard then blinked at Zoe. “We’re doing what we’re always doing, we’re managing your life.”
Zoe stared back at Nicki. She glanced at the laptop. “Put the laptop away. Let’s take a minute here, shall we?”
Her assistant nodded and closed the laptop before putting it on the coffee table. Nicki leaned back into the couch, still looking at Zoe.
“We’ve just been putting out fires that other people have been starting in the past few days, but what’s the point?”
“The point is your career, Zoe.” Nicki had a confused smile on her face. She shook her head.
“But we could be doing more interesting things. I barely cook any more, I feel like I’m running a PR agency for myself. I’m supposed to be a chef dedicated to my craft. But instead, I’m a B-list celebrity with reality TV contestants emailing me to be at my wedding. Where did it all go wrong?”
Nicki nodded, staring at the void. She seemed to also wonder the same thing.
“Nicki…” She started before drawing a long breath. “I don’t want to marry Tom.” Tears immediately filled her eyes.
“Oh, Zoe. I get why you’re stressed about all this work stuff, and the PR and the show. You’re right that it feels a bit, well, pointless right now. But that’s just work, isn’t it? Tom is separate from all that. Maybe we can delay until this mess is sorted and you feel more ready?”
“No.” Zoe shook her head. “They’re not separate, not really. I don’t think they ever can be. And even - ” she faltered and swallowed back her tears. “Even if they could, I still wouldn’t want to marry Tom, ever.” Nicki looked at her for a moment, her eyes full of compassion and concern.
“Did I miss something, Zoe? Since when have you felt like that?”
There was no going back now. “I saw Julie again at the wedding, we hit it off and, well, one thing led to another.” She bit her lip, hoping that Nicki would understand without her having to spell out the event of that night.
But Nicki, ever the perfect assistant, wouldn’t make any assumptions about Zoe. She looked patiently at her boss, waiting for the rest of the story.
“You know what I mean.”
“Not really.” Nicki lifted a brow.
Zoe rubbed her eyes with one hand.
“Nicki, I shagged Julie.” Zoe hadn’t expected to be so crude but she was tired of looking for the polite thing to say. “It just happened.”
Nicki’s eyes widened.
“I guess you were right about how I felt,” Zoe said, defeated. She sat back, still feeling terrible but somehow much lighter.
“Wow, Zoe.” Nicki was still processing. “I’m speechless.”
“I was supposed to meet up and talk things through but this tabloid crisis happened and I had to leave her hanging. Now she hates me and doesn’t want anything to do with me any more.”
“So you’re not leaving Tom to be with her?”
“Not really.” Zoe turned to her assistant. “It wasn’t fair of me to keep this from Tom but I still had some hope that things would work out. I would’ve told him before the wedding, for sure.”
“But, would you want to be with Julie?” Nicki looked at her seriously.
Zoe had tried not to think about it. It’s not as if it was something that was possible, was it?
“Yes. No.” She sighed. “I don’t know!” Zoe paused. “Julie really seemed mad at me on the phone. She told me to get out of her life.” Her heart pinched a little.
“So, from Julie’s perspective, you slept together then you went home to get married to Tom?”
Zoe had also tried not to think about this. “I don’t know. I guess I fucked it all up. I stood her up to go catch the first flight back to London.”
“Have you tried explaining it to her?”
“I tried, but everything’s been such a mess, and she was so angry.” Zoe hesitated. “Do you think I should try again?”
Nicki gave her a small smile.
“I don’t think I can help you with that, Zoe.”
“Sorry.” Zoe shook her head. “I know I’m asking so much of you.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“What?”
Nicki settled herself more comfortably on the couch. She crossed her legs and sat directly across from Zoe.
“I didn’t mean I can’t help with that because I’m not paid enough.” She continued before Zoe could interject. “I meant that I can’t help because it should be your decision.”
Zoe felt like this was another one of those moments where Nicki seemed a little bit too wise. She chuckled. “It’s my decision, indeed.”
“Don’t laugh, Zoe.” Nicki looked very serious. “I’ve been working with you - for what, three years now? - and I enjoyed every moment of it. You’re a great boss and I know a lot of personal assistants who are being asked unreasonable things.”
Zoe had no idea where Nicki was going with this. “Thanks, Nicki, I appreciate that.”
Nicki kept talking, as if Zoe hadn’t said anything.
“But in all these years, I have to admit something, and please don’t take this wrong.” She looked at Zoe carefully, as if she was trying to read her boss’ emotions. “But I’ve never seen you make a decision for yourself.”
Zoe laughed. “Oh Nicki, that isn’t true.”
“It is, actually. Everything you did has always been for your show, for a client or for Tom. You’ve always picked what was easier for them.”
It was a bit silly of Nicki to say that. What else was Zoe supposed to do? She had to do it for her career. Any step outside of the path and she would’ve lost everything she’d built.
“That’s not fair, Nicki. You know how the business is. It’s not as if I had much choice.”
“But you did. It’s just that it was always easier to sacrifice what you really wanted.”
Zoe wanted to refute that but she couldn’t. She stayed silent.
“A year ago, you were offered the opportunity to run your own upscale restaurant in London. But you refused, because it would’ve gotten in the way of the show and the cookbooks.
Two years ago, you were offered training in Japanese cuisine in Japan, which was an incredible opportunity.
You seemed so excited about it, and then you turned it down because Tom had to go abroad to shoot a film and he wanted to spend time with you before he left.
And I know you like the reliability of doing the show, and I know you were happy to get that time with Tom.
But those were your dreams, Zoe. You love cooking more than anything and, as you pointed out yourself, you hardly ever get to talk about it any more, much less do it.
You used to spend hours telling me about the perfect way to bake a sole.
Now we spend hours talking about what points to mention about your relationship for an interview with a woman’s magazine. ”
It was all true. Zoe hadn’t kept track of all the things she agreed or disagreed to in the past few years but her life had taken a strange turn.
Now, all these small choices that hadn’t seemed like much back then - the restaurant offer had made her sad but she’d gotten over it when the new season started filming, and she told herself there would always be time to go to Japan - were all doors she’d closed behind her.
“I don’t mean to berate you. You’re someone I like and care about a lot. I have my opinions about what you should do about Tom and Julie, but this is your decision to make.” Nicki took Zoe’s hand into hers. “I think Zoe deserves some happiness outside of the telly screen.”
Zoe squeezed Nicki’s hand. Once again, her assistant had hit the nail on the head. She couldn’t just let other people decide what was better for her. It was time for her to stop following the recipe.