CHAPTER 22 #3
This time, the kiss they shared was slower, more tender, but no less passionate. Valeria’s finger entered her slowly. The intrusion was unfamiliar, but not unwanted. Instead, she focused on relaxing. That was what all of the advice she received on consummating her marriage had told her to do.
Though Valeria stopped before she got very far. Caroline bucked her hips in an attempt to spur her on, but the other woman was immovable, so she broke their kiss.
“Why have you stopped? This is what you want, right?” Her voice was small, and she hated that she even had to check.
“Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Of course. You said yourself I’m better at lying to myself than anyone else. I don’t want to marry Edgar. I was marrying him because of my duty. But I don’t care about any of that, not anymore. Not if I can be with you.”
Emotions she couldn’t read swirled in Valeria’s dark eyes. There was triumph and desire, but also grief. Which made her stomach drop.
“How long do you want to be with me?”
“Forever.”
“You don’t even know what that word means.”
“And you do?”
“I’m a vampire,” Valeria sighed.
“We’re the same age! You may be a vampire, but it isn’t as if you’ve lived for centuries and I am a silly mortal girl you met a few days ago who’s willing to throw away her entire life for you.”
“So, you’re telling me you’ve thought about this?
You’ve thought about how you won’t age anymore; you will need to keep it a secret from your parents.
You’ll have to be dead to them and all of your friends.
You can’t keep running this manor as if nothing happened.
Not as they watch you remain the same through the decades.
And that isn’t even taking into consideration how you will drink.
Do you think you have the stomach to drink blood? To kill if you need to?”
Caroline swallowed; her hands shook. She had thought about it a great deal, but the thirst was always the most difficult part. Even more so than leaving her parents forever. “I can get used to it. As long as we are together, I’ll learn to adjust.”
“You’ll adjust to murder?”
Caroline flinched. “You’re not entirely wicked. I know that for certain, and I will trust that we will find a new solution.”
“Oh, how reassuring it is to hear that you don’t think I am entirely wicked.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“How do you think I fed last night?” Valeria interrupted with a thunderous expression.
For the first time, Caroline wasn’t sure. She hated that they were having this conversation while she felt so exposed. “I suppose you went to the village and hunted for your prey as you usually do.”
Valeria removed her fingers and took several steps back before turning from Caroline.
Color flooded her cheeks in embarrassment for whatever she said.
She had bared her soul to the woman she loved, and now it felt as if everything she had said and done was wrong.
Maybe everything Valeria had been telling her was only bedroom talk and not something she should have taken seriously.
“I don’t know what’s worse, that you think I killed people last night or that you were willing to fuck me despite believing I’m a monster.”
“I thought this was what you wanted.”
“To be judged by you for all eternity? To know you are always just above my shoulder, shaking your head at the way I live. Thinking of how desperate you are to fix what you think of as my failings.”
“I just find the idea of having to kill to be difficult. I don’t think it’s right.”
“But you’re still willing to be with me forever? What do you expect to do when you’re a vampire?”
“I was going to figure out another way. Live off of animals, maybe.”
“And what would you do with me?”
“I would support you, of course. I know, deep down, you don’t wish to be doing this. I understand it is probably a difficult compulsion to fight, but I’m willing to help you.”
Valeria laughed, and she hated how bitter it sounded. Her breast was still out, and it felt ridiculous that this was how they were having this important discussion.
“Do you think I went on a rampage through the village because I was so thirsty I couldn’t handle it?”
“It’s not your fault if you did.”
“Answer the question, Caroline.”
“Yes, I sent a letter to Dr. Murnau to ask about the patients at the hospital and to see if there were any new ones.”
Valeria barked another laugh before smoothing her hair. She put her breast back into her bodice before looking at Caroline again. “I did go hunting last night, but I happened upon a pack of wild boars. I didn’t even go near the village. Do you know why?”
Caroline shook her head. She couldn’t speak.
“Because I knew how much it would upset you. I knew you wouldn’t want me to kill, and I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t in my hunger. I didn’t mean to get as close as I did to feeding on Lucy. I’ve been sick over the idea of hurting her.”
Caroline was relieved her village was safe, but she didn’t understand Valeria’s anger. “I don’t understand what the problem is if you didn’t kill anyone last night. I’m not angry with you.”
“Because you thought I killed last night! You think I’m killing your people, but you are so much better because you’re willing to look past it. You are just so focused on how bad and wicked I am and how willing you are to look past all of my foul deeds.”
“You have killed, Valeria.”
“Yet you’ve excused it every time it’s happened. You think I’m evil, but you keep coming back. What does that say about you? You can’t condemn me in one breath and say you love me in another.”
Her shoulders slumped because Valeria was right, of course.
She was just as wicked for keeping Valeria’s secrets and letting her continue to kill, but she judged her at every turn.
Only now did she realize how unfair that was, and she was ashamed.
Her eyes fell to the floor. She knew she should say something—anything—but it was as if her throat was closed.
“Valeria, I’m—”
“Save it,” Valeria snapped. “I don’t want to hear it.”
She turned and left through the double doors of the study, leaving both doors open behind her. Caroline prayed she would turn back to her to see how sorry she was, but she didn’t spare her a single look as she left her behind.