Chapter 25 #2
For years I’ve thought of them living in their house in the Surrey Hills with their five bedrooms all with ensuites and I’ve envied them so much.
‘So where are you now?’
‘I’m staying in a flat in Epsom.’ He kicked out his legs in front of him and crossed his feet at his ankles. ‘It’s all grey, grey walls, grey furniture. and it’s tiny. I mean, it’s the most prison-like place I’ve ever lived, but weirdly I just feel free.’
I tried to picture what Noah was describing, but in my head I kept seeing him in his Instagrammable house he’d left behind.
‘So that’s it? You and Mags are finished?’
‘It was supposed to be a trial separation, but … ’ he trailed off.
‘Is she OK?’ I tried to think of the last time I’d seen Mags without Noah, and when it was that we’d stopped being proper friends in our own right. Years ago I would have had this conversation with her too, but we no longer had heart-to-hearts.
He nodded his head. ‘Yeah, she is. As much as I’d love to flatter my ego that she wasn’t, I think she’s doing fine.
She seemed more worried about how it would look to our friends, or her friends, as most of the people we hang out with are.
It’s a bit of a sad state of affairs, isn’t it?
The only thing she was bothered about in the break-up was the optics. ’
‘Deliberate pun?’ I thought of Mags’ glasses business.
‘Unintentional. But I wish I’d been clever enough to think of it. I love a good pun.’
I was about to laugh, before the reality of it all sunk in.
‘I’m sorry, Noah.’
‘Thanks.’ He turned and smiled at me, and I could see now there was a sadness there. ‘Fuck, do you think we’re ever going to have a birthday where we have a good day?’
‘What, you mean where we don’t do soul searching or drop an emotional bombshell on each other?’
He laughed and looked out at the river. He sat up a little straighter and I followed his gaze to the seagull waddling towards us.
‘What’s with you?’ I laughed at how much he was squirming.
‘They freak me out.’
‘What do? Seagulls?’
I thought there was something quite cute about them, but the way Noah was edging up straighter, and tucking his outstretched legs in closer towards him, he didn’t feel the same.
‘Yeah, I think I read something in the Metro once about someone who got attacked by one.’
I looked at the seagull, which was tiny compared to us.
‘Oh my god, all that crap you gave me when we went to the Dead Zoo.’ I put my hands on my hips in mock annoyance.
‘Yeah, but that was different.’
‘Why? You’ve got an irrational fear of seagulls.’
‘It’s not irrational. People get bitten by them, plus, you thought taxidermy animals were going to come back to life. It’s hardly the same thing.’
I started to giggle and he joined in. I hadn’t meant to laugh as hard as I did, but it was like the tears – once I started, I couldn’t stop.
I felt a little bit guilty to lose it at a time when he’d been bearing his soul.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh so hard, it’s just … I guess I needed that.’
‘I’m glad that my seagull anxiety came in handy for once.’
We watched as the gull flew onto the balustrade and looked out at the river.
‘Is it seagulls that mate for life?’ he asked. ‘I can never remember if it’s them or swans. Which, in case you’re wondering, are another bird that I can’t stand.’
‘Swans?’ I shook my head. ‘How can you hate them too? But yeah, I think it must be swans or penguins. Penguins mate for life.’
I tried to remember the bits of Planet Earth I’d watched.
‘Huh.’
‘Imagine that, knowing that when you find your one person, that’s you for life. They’re lucky.’
Noah turned his head towards me.
‘Maybe they’re not lucky; maybe they just act on their feelings.’
Our eyes locked and I didn’t need to ask him what he meant; I could see it written all over his face.
‘Noah.’ I struggled to speak; the air felt like it had been squeezed out of me. He reached out and took my hand, and I studied our entwined fingers. I turned and saw the look Noah had in his eyes, and before I could say another word, he leaned in to kiss me.
He was so close my whole body could feel him. Our lips brushed together and I held out my trembling hand and rested it on his chest, hoping I didn’t regret pushing him away this time as much as I had the last.
‘You can’t do that,’ I said, my voice cracking. My whole body ached for him, trying to rebel against what my brain was saying. This time he didn’t pull away and pretend it hadn’t happened. This time he had to be able to see that I wanted him too.
‘But you feel it, right?’
I looked away.
‘It’s not fair, Noah.’
‘Come on, Lucy, there’s always been this thing between us. Tell me that I haven’t imagined it.’
I closed my eyes and sighed, my jaw starting to harden.
I opened my eyes and looked at him again.
‘Noah, you can’t do this now. You and Mags.
’ I shook my head. ‘This is like last time, in that club. You’d just broken up with Hayley.
What am I? The rebound? That person that’s always there when you’re feeling, what was it, “lonely and horny”. ’
I stood up, my legs unsteady. Anger coursing through my veins.
‘Luce, it’s not like that. Believe me.’ Noah went to grab my arm but I moved it away from him.
‘Isn’t it? Amy was right, you’ve never been on your own, but that doesn’t mean you can keep messing with my feelings when you are.’
‘What do you mean, keep messing with your feelings? You’ve never had feelings for me.’
Our voices were raised now, and I was aware that people were looking at us. But I didn’t care.
‘I liked you, Noah. When you came back from Oz. I pushed you away because I didn’t want our first kiss to be somewhere like that.
I wanted it to be special, and … ’ I blinked, my eyes wet with fresh tears.
‘I sound like such a moron, but I pushed you away because I wanted more. And then you told me you’d only done it because you’d been lonely. ’
‘But that’s not—’ His voice was softer, his eyes searching mine.
‘No matter what you thought then, that’s exactly what it was and I think it’s no different now.’
My voice cracked at almost every word, because part of me wanted to kiss him, the part of me that had always wanted to kiss him. But my heart was hardening, going into protection mode.
‘How can you stand there and tell me what I did and didn’t feel? And you’re wrong. I can be on my own; kissing you has nothing to do with that.’
I thought of what Amy had said earlier about how Noah jumped from one relationship to the next. I didn’t want to be with someone who was with me until something better came along.
‘Doesn’t it? Even Amy and Paul have got bets on how soon it’ll be before you have a new girlfriend.’
‘Have they now?’ he said, through gritted teeth.
I regretted it as soon as I said it; I hadn’t wanted to get them involved. But I wasn’t any less angry about him trying to kiss me.
‘I shouldn’t have said that. Look, I get it, Noah, I really do. You’ve been through this massive life change, and everything feels scary and you feel lost. But jumping into something else isn’t the answer, not when you’re playing with other people’s emotions.’
‘Playing with other people’s emotions? Is that what you think I’m doing?’
‘I do. If you did like me, like you think you do, you wouldn’t have got together with Mags, or engaged to her in Dublin, let alone married her. And how do I know that you’re not going to go back to her? You said that it was a temporary separation.’
‘That’s how it started—’
‘But is that how it ended? Are you sure you’re not just keeping your options open?’
‘Right.’ He nodded his head. ‘Well, if we’re dishing out home truths, maybe I do jump into things too quickly but at least I’m not afraid of letting myself fall in love, unlike you.’
‘Unlike me?’ I felt my voice get that little bit louder. ‘What does that even mean?’
‘It means that you never put yourself out there. You’ve always dated people who deep down you knew were never good enough for you, and that you didn’t really like so you knew they’d never work out.’
‘Oh, really? Is that what I’ve done, Mr I took one psychology course at university?’
‘Yeah, it is.’
‘Andrew, the guy I’m dating now, is really fucking nice.’
‘Then where is he?’ he half-shouted, arms out wide.
‘If he’s so great and you like him so much, why didn’t you invite him to your one-in-four birthday?
I’ll tell you why: because you’re keeping him at arm’s-length and away from your heart.
You’re too scared that you’ll fall in love and have your heart broken like your mum did when your dad walked out. ’
Tears were stinging at my eyes, only there were none left to fall; instead I was left with a burning sensation.
‘So, I’m sorry, if you think that I give my heart away too gladly, but I’d rather be that way than never give it away like you.’
I felt winded; it was as if he’d punched me in the gut.
We stared hard into each other’s eyes, neither wanting to move, but eventually he shook his head.
‘Tell the others I’ve gone home.’
‘Fine,’ I snapped as he walked away.
I watched him go, my whole body shaking.
I’d never argued with Noah, or at least nothing like this before.
I watched him get smaller and smaller, my fists forming tighter and tighter balls until they ached.
All the while I replayed his words over in my head.
I didn’t know what was worse, the fact that he’d said it, or the fact that the words might be true.