Chapter 26
At first, after my argument with Noah, I’d thought that he’d come back, but as the day rolled into evening, I realised he wasn’t going to.
Caz’s coffee had gone well with Nick and whilst there wasn’t some grand reunion, I got the impression that the door that was once shut had been left open a tiny bit.
Luckily it was enough to deflect from the fact that Noah had gone and wasn’t coming back.
Unlike the other times when I’d regretted what could have happened, this time I might have been angry that Noah had tried, but I was angrier at myself for imagining for all these years that there was something real between us. I just wished that I hadn’t been quite so nasty to him.
But despite feeling sorry for myself, it had done me good to go up to London and stay over.
It was a small step in getting back on with my life; I needed to see more of my friends and start living again.
There was even a part of me that thought Noah had been a tiny bit right, that I never really put myself out there for fear of getting hurt.
I walked into Mum’s care home and said hello to Carol who was sitting as usual behind the front desk.
‘I thought you were going away.’
‘I did. I had twenty-four hours in London, and believe me, it feels like a lifetime.’
She shook her head. ‘Well, you’ll be pleased to know that she was fine. Her friend’s popped in, and that seems to be cheering her up.’
‘Her friend?’
Carol pointed to the visitors’ book and I ran my finger down to see Dad’s name.
I muttered under my breath and hurried along to her room, hoping that she wasn’t too rattled. I knew that he’d visited with me before, but I couldn’t believe he’d come alone.
I braced myself for what I was about to find.
It didn’t take much to get Mum agitated, and that agitation could turn so easily into anger or her getting inconsolable.
I headed down the corridor to her and I heard the sound of her tinkling laughter before I reached the room. It caught me off-guard and I froze.
It was the high-pitched tinkling sound that was a precursor to a cackle, full-bodied and genuine, nothing out of politeness.
It sent chills all over my body and I wondered when I’d last heard it.
I heard Dad’s laughter echo round the room to join in and if I closed my eyes, it reminded me of when I was little.
I didn’t know what was going on, but I didn’t want to disturb it. I crept back along the corridor and took a seat in the reception area.
‘Everything OK, love?’ asked Carol, still tapping away on her keys.
‘Yeah, I just thought I’d let her and Dad talk alone.’
‘Oh, that’s your dad, is it?’ She nodded. ‘Nice of him to come.’
‘Hmm, yeah.’
I was confused. He’d sent me the happy birthday text, but he hadn’t mentioned that he was coming. I pulled out my phone and saw that I had a text message from Amy.
Amy
I am NEVER drinking shots again … but hangover aside, brilliant night last night. And thank you for making me spend time with my husband. Turns out he’s not so bad after all, even if he does stack the dishwasher wrong EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Xx
Me
It was an excellent night. Thanks so much. Needed it more than I realised. Here’s to the next one in four years …
Amy
Bloody hell, I hope we see you before then.
Me
Just kidding. You will. I think you’re going to get sick of seeing me you’ll see me so much this year.
Amy
Impossible.
(That we’d get sick of you!) Can’t wait xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
‘Lucy.’ I looked up from my phone and saw my dad standing in front of me.
He took the coat hanging over his arm, and slipped it on.
‘Hey.’
‘You,’ he said, pointing at me like I was a naughty child, ‘are supposed to be away.’
‘I was, I just got back.’
He nodded, looking over his shoulder at Carol before turning back at me.
‘Want to walk me to my car?’
I stood up and followed him, the jet of heat over the door hitting me and making the outside seem even colder.
‘Did you have a good time? Happy birthday, by the way.’
‘Yes, and thank you.’
‘We’ve got a present at ours for you; I should have known you’d be here and brought it.’
‘It’s fine. I was thinking I should pop round and see you guys soon.’
We reached his car and stood awkwardly outside.
‘Have you been to see her, on other occasions?’
He slipped his hands in his pockets and shook his head.
‘No, I haven’t seen her since that day with you, last year. I just thought that I’d come because I thought you were away and I know you were worried. I hoped that if I came, it might help you to know that she’d be OK, without you.’
‘Mum seemed to approve. She was laughing.’
‘She didn’t know who I was.’ He looked up to the sky and I wondered if he was going to cry.
My dad didn’t show emotions, he always made awkward jokes to avoid them, but here he was.
‘She thought I was a stranger, and it reminded me of how she was when I first met her. She was so sharp, and so funny. And I guess I forgot that since … all that happened with Tania and the divorce.’
I put my arm on Dad’s shoulder.
‘I get it. She seemed happy to see you.’
‘I know that you saw our marriage break down and I know you bore the brunt of it all. But when you were younger, we were happy. We were happy for a long time. We used to get on well.’
Dad opened the passenger door of his car and motioned for me to get in.
‘It’s brass monkeys out there.’
‘Tell me about it.’
The car wasn’t that much warmer than standing outside, but at least it was more comfortable.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was coming.
’ He had hold of the steering wheel and was looking straight ahead despite the fact the engine was off and we weren’t going anywhere.
‘I didn’t know how to explain it to you.
It doesn’t make much sense to me either.
This was the woman who, for the past twenty years, I haven’t been able to be in the same room with. ’
‘The woman that you once loved.’
He turned to look at me, and I could see the emotion in his eyes.
‘Exactly.’
‘Does Tania know?’
‘Yeah.’ He bit his lip. ‘I thought she might be a bit funny about it, but I think she understands and I know she’s always felt almost as guilty as I did about how I left your mum. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It just felt like something I needed to do and I thought you’d be cross.’
‘Why would I be cross?’
‘I don’t know, because it’s me.’
‘In some ways it makes it easier for me, to know that I’m not doing this alone.’
‘Oh, Lucy. You never had to do this alone. Me and your mum, I still care about her, and I care about you, more than I’ve probably ever let you know. And if I can help then I will.’
I didn’t know if it was his time seeing Mum and it being emotional, but Dad’s face looked worn and lined and I had that ripple wash over me that I’d spent so long worrying about Mum that I hadn’t ever stopped to think that one day I’d lose him too.
I reached over and took his hand.
‘Thanks, Dad.’
He squeezed my hand back. ‘I think I’ve got an eyelash in my eye,’ he said, with a laugh and cough as he poked at his eye. He was back to being the joker, but he’d changed in my eyes.
When he left I headed back over towards the care home entrance, not caring that a tear had trickled down my face. It only made me more determined to do what I’d said to Noah. That I’d figure out my life for me, stop hiding behind excuses and start to live.
I waved as Dad passed as he drove away, and I pulled out my phone and typed:
Lucy to Andrew
I’m in – for July! Get that wetsuit and long hair ready
WhatsApp messages – Uni group: March 18th 2020
Amy:
Fuck, they’ve just closed the schools. And there was me excited about Paul working from home. Now I’m going to have to home-school. Not sure we have enough wine.
Paul
Currently feel like I’m solving one of the kids’ maths puzzles. How many bottles of wine do you need to see out home-schooling in a pandemic????
Noah
Yeah, sod the toilet roll. I’ve been panic buying gin. And in answer to the maths question – deffo more than you think.
Paul
More importantly, Lucy, are you able to visit your mum?
Lucy
No – will text later, we’re trying to sort her out using FaceTime
Noah
Shit, Luce, sorry, that’s really awful. Shout if you need help.
WhatsApp message – Mags to Lucy: April 2020
You’re such a sweetie checking in on me. Things are mental at the moment, business is booming and the supply chain is grinding to a halt. And yes, I’m holding up OK. Better to have loved and lost and all that. Hope you’re OK, and your mum? Xx
Text message – Andrew to Lucy: May 2020
Slight public service announcement: any chance you could not wear those dungarees to the allotment? Every time they slip off your shoulder when you bend down … it makes this whole two metre thing pretty tricky to observe. Not to mention I almost deadheaded an artichoke by accident.
Zoom chat – Paul’s weekly quiz: June 2020
Noah is the host:
Noah: Hey, can you hear me?
Lucy: Yes. But I can’t see you. Ah, there you are. Hi.
Noah: Hi! [waves]
Lucy: Hi …
Noah: Hi. Where are the others?
Lucy: I just got a text from Caz. She and Nick are wine tasting with his work. Virtually, of course.
Noah: I love that they’re locked down together.
Lucy: Always the hopeless romantic.
Noah: Would you expect anything less … And I guess Paul and Amy are running late?
Lucy: Yep, ah, there’s a message. They’ll be here in five.
Noah: Right … So how are you?
Lucy: Good. You?
Noah: Good.
Lucy: I um—
Noah: Did you—
[Both laugh awkwardly]
Lucy: You go.
Noah: No, you. Really.
Lucy: I was just going to ask how you really were.
Noah: Pretty shit. How about you?
Lucy: Bit better than that.
Noah: I don’t think I picked the best time to leave my wife, to be honest. It’s not a great time to be living alone.
Lucy: Yeah. I can’t imagine. Can you not bubble up with someone?
Noah: Mags suggested I came back but I thought it would confuse things. Instead, we’ve started divorce proceedings.