Chapter 21
Sebastian
We were both quiet as we made breakfast. It wasn’t an awkward silence or a feeling that we had done something we shouldn’t. It felt more like a self-reflection, as if no words needed to be spoken about what had happened and how things had changed between us. Or it could have been the simple fact that we were both tired and needed coffee after not getting much sleep the night before.
I was used to late nights, long hours, and functioning on little to no sleep. I had found a way to be friendly to my fellow cast members as I waited for the caffeine to take its desired effect. I didn’t need to do that with Ara. Even though I was tired, I was happy, and felt more alive than I had in years.
The night before had been everything I wanted and hoped to have with Ara. It had been incredible having her in my arms, holding her, kissing her, loving her, looking at her as she went over. I hadn’t thought I could love her more than I already did but after the night we shared, I did. I wondered if I would keep falling more and more in love with her as the years passed.
There was no doubt in my mind that we would be together. There was no turning back from what we did and what we meant to each other. What we shared, not only the night before but in our past, was too big, too important to just push aside. I might have before, but I wasn’t going to make the same mistake again. I had Ara in my life, she was never going to leave it.
“Pizza?” I asked as I looked into the refrigerator.
Ara looked at me over her cup of coffee. I couldn’t see her face but the look in her eyes told me that she was not amused by my comment.
“What? Haven’t you ever had pizza for breakfast?” I asked.
“No,” Ara answered incredulously.
“Not even in college?”
“Especially not in college. I was studying. I needed to eat well. There was no pizza for breakfast.”
“What is the difference between having a pizza that has cheese, bread, and vegetables to say, having an omelet and toast?” I countered.
“It’s pizza.”
“And delicious,” I said and put the cardboard box on the counter.
Ara eyed me as I took out a slice and warmed it up. “Last chance to have one,” I said.
“I can have one at lunch.”
“Unless I eat all of it.” I gave her a devilish smile.
“You wouldn’t.” Her eyes were big with surprise and I was sure she thought I was going to.
“You’re right. I wouldn’t. I know how much you love this pizza and I wouldn’t take the last of it. It’s all yours,” I said.
“Thank you,” Ara said and blushed.
Ara liked to put up a good fight; she liked to make people think that she was strong, independent, and didn’t need anyone. And I was sure if she had to, she would do fine on her own. But she was a social person, she liked to help people but she had a hard time accepting help from others. Even if it was just making sure she got the last of the pizza.
I walked up to her and put my hands on either side of her on the counter. It caged her in and her eyes took in the closeness of my body before slowly looking up at me. She held my gaze as she took another sip of her coffee. I waited until she was done before I said, “I would do anything for you.”
“Bash,” she said.
She shook her head and moved away from me. I let her though I wanted to pull her back. I could feel her moving away from me, both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I didn’t want it but I couldn’t stop it. I might have thought we were on the right track. I thought she understood what the night had meant and who we were. I could tell she didn’t, or she wasn’t ready to admit or accept it yet.
“Don’t. Don’t do that,” I said before I could stop myself.
“I’m not doing anything.” She put her coffee cup down and glared at me. I could almost see the walls coming up around her. There might be an attraction between us that she couldn’t deny. She might have let her body get involved but she wasn’t ready for her heart to.
“Okay,” I said slowly.
She tilted her head at me as if she knew I was trying to placate her. I wanted to take her into my arms. I wanted to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to say that I loved her, as I always had and always would. I wanted to make her understand that I was never going to leave her.
But I had given her those words before and I had broken my promise. I had said the words last night but they weren’t enough. She needed action, she needed time, she needed to learn to trust me again. I wasn’t going to get that by just telling her, but at least I could be honest with her.
“This is scary, I get it. This is a lot. We are a lot. There’s so much history and memories, and feelings, and a lot of other messed up stuff between us. I can tell you that I’m here. I want to be here. I want to see what we can be. I understand those are just words and don’t mean much to you.”
“They do,” Ara said.
I smiled at her, happy that she had been honest with me, too. “But they aren’t enough. I get that.”
“They’re a start,” Ara admitted.
“Yes, they are. But I can do better. I will do better. Will you give me that time to show you?”
She didn’t answer me but I could tell she was considering what I was saying. Her shoulders were less tense. There was a slight smile on her face. There was still worry, concern, and mistrust hanging between us. I wanted to talk to her, tell her everything, but she still wasn’t ready. We had taken a big step last night; for now, it would have to be enough.
“We both need this. There has always been something between us. It could be something great, or it could blow up in our faces. I think we owe it to ourselves and to each other to see which one that is. I’m not saying it will be easy. I’m not saying I have any idea what will happen. What I’m saying is, I want the chance to find out.”
I reached out and took her hand in mine. She let me, looking at our entwined hands and then slowly looking up at me. I could see the fear, but also the longing, and the need. I hated that I could see that fear and knew I had no one to blame but myself. I vowed I would find a way to make it go away. I wanted her to only know love, happiness, and joy with me. I just needed her to trust me.
“It’s up to you. I won’t ask you for anything that you can’t give. I won’t pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do, though I do have a few ideas. But please, give me, give us, a chance”
I held my breath as I waited for her to answer. I wanted to believe I knew her well enough that she was going to give in. If she hadn’t agreed or hadn’t wanted to hear me, she would have interrupted me. She would have told me I was wrong and told me all the reasons why. She would have walked away. But she hadn’t done any of those things. Even if she hadn’t said the words yet, her actions were giving me hope that she would do as I was asking.
A slow smile crept onto her face. She squeezed my hands and then put them on my chest. My heart rate increased and I wondered if she could feel it. Her eyes had a mischievous look when she asked, “What ideas do you have in mind?”
I knew at that moment, I had her. She was trying to make light of the situation because she needed to. She wasn’t ready yet to have the serious discussions we needed to have. We would, eventually. For now, all she was willing to give me was time, and I would take it.
“Oh, I’m sure I could come up with a couple of things,” I teased.
She laughed and it was music to my ears. The stress of the moment and in her shoulders were gone. She tightened her grip on my chest as she smiled up at me. “Care to share what they are?” she asked.
I leaned in and brought my mouth so it was inches from her ear. I could feel her tensing up but this time in need and desire. I smiled as I whispered, “We could finish our hike.”
She laughed again. It wasn’t what she had been expecting which was exactly why I had said it. I might want to sleep with her again but it wasn’t the only thing I wanted to do. There was so much more to us, to what we could have, than just sex and I wanted her to realize that too.
“We could,” she said and leaned away from me.
As if on cue, the sound of thunder came into the house and we both turned to see it was raining again. I laughed. I had been so absorbed in Ara and what we were talking about that I hadn’t even noticed.
“I think the hike might have to wait,” she said with a wicked smile.
“Well,” I said and pulled her closer to me. “Care to hear my other ideas?”