A Heart’s Desire
Chapter twelve
A Heart’s Desire
“It is quite odd,” Christopher remarked as they guided their horses down into the field bordering the gardens, “to be here at Whickerton Grove without your sisters milling around somewhere.” He chuckled, allowing his gaze to sweep over this beloved place of his childhood once more.
Beside him, Juliet sighed, a touch of sadness in her green eyes. “I know what you mean. Within the span of a year, all my sisters have married and moved away. Nothing is as it once was. Everything has changed.” Another heavy sigh drifted from her lips, her gaze distant. “Except for me, I suppose.”
Regret lingered in her voice, and Christopher urged his mount closer to hers. He tried to look into her eyes to better understand what was going through her mind. “Do you wish to marry?”
Juliet’s head snapped around, and her eyes were wide as they met his.
Christopher chuckled. “The question surprises you?”
“No, I simply…” She shook her head. “No.”
“Well?” Christopher pressed once her silence stretched from one moment to the next and then the next.
Juliet inhaled deeply before she turned to look at him again, an oddly bright smile upon her face.
“Frankly, I am quite content remaining precisely where I am. I have never been one to venture out into the unknown, as you well know. I like…being here, taking care of my grandmother and ensuring that my family is well.”
Christopher frowned. “That does not answer my question.” He urged his mount into a quick trot, then pulled around, forcing Juliet’s mare to a halt. He pushed closer until his knee almost touched hers, her eyes wide as she looked at him in surprise. “Do you wish to marry?”
Juliet swallowed. “I…I’ve never thought about it much.” Another forced little smile appeared on her face. “Life keeps me so busy. I—”
“Are you only lying to me,” Christopher asked, anger igniting in his heart at the look of sadness upon her face, “or also to yourself?”
Juliet’s jaw dropped, and she stared at him in a way that made his heart clench painfully. “Why would you…? Not everyone wishes for the same thing. Not everyone dreams of marriage and children. Not everyone—”
“I know,” Christopher cut her off, and his hand reached out to grasp hers. “All I ask is if you do?”
Juliet’s mouth opened and closed a few times before her eyes fluttered shut and her teeth sank into her lower lip. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Of course, it does!”
Her eyes were hard when they met his again.
“No, it does not. It does not matter what I wish for. It does not matter whether I wish to be married if there is no one who wishes to marry me.” Tears shimmered in her eyes, and yet her jaw remained stubbornly set.
“I would appreciate it if you did not ask me such questions.” Then she pulled on her reins and kicked her horse’s flanks, galloping down the field and away from him.
Cursing himself, Christopher rushed after her.
He had seen the hurt in her eyes and knew that her words had been true.
Or at least that she believed them to be true.
But how was that possible? He wondered once again, remembering his relief to find her unwed when he had returned to England last year.
Together, they charged across the field, not unlike the way they had raced each other back to the house only the night before. The sun shone brightly overhead, and a mild breeze stirred the changing leaves.
Up ahead, a grove of trees barred their way and Christopher was relieved to see Juliet slowing down.
Her cheeks were flushed, and yet he could not help but notice her shoulders slumping forward as her mare slowed to a walk.
Indeed, she seemed more than merely tired or even exasperated.
She had a look about her that made him think she was on the brink of finally letting go of a dream that had always been precious to her.
And it broke her heart.
Jumping out of the saddle, Christopher hastened to her side. He held out his hands to her, and although she hesitated for a moment, he was relieved when she accepted his assistance. Her hands settled upon his shoulders, and she allowed herself to slide out of the saddle.
Christopher caught her, held her close, savoring the moment as she stood in his arms. A deep sigh left her lips, and yet he smiled when she laid her head against his shoulder. It felt right to be here with her, and he dreaded the moment he would have to bid her farewell. But what was he to do?
For a long while, they stood like this as the wind brushed over them, rustling the small leaves overhead. Quite a few danced down, swirling through the air before settling upon the ground.
Christopher picked one such leaf from Juliet’s brown tresses, then he brushed a hand down her back.
“Do not deny yourself happiness,” he whispered to the top of her head, wishing he could see her face.
“If there is something your heart desires, then march out and secure it for yourself.” He looked down at her and gently grasped her chin, tilting up her head. “Don’t be afraid.”
A sad smile played over her lips. “Your words sound wonderful,” Juliet said almost mournfully. “Yet they do not hold up against the world that is.”
Frowning at her, Christopher shook his head. “How is that possible?” His gaze swept over her lovely face as he brushed a curl back behind her ear. “How can the world deny you anything?”
Anger rang in the scoff that left her lips as she stepped back, slipping out of his embrace.
“I know you mean well, but you know nothing of what you speak.” Her jaw clenched and, for a moment, she looked down at the ground before her head rose once more, her eyes hard as she looked at him.
“I’m almost thirty years of age, and I can count on one hand the times I’ve been asked to dance.
I’ve never received flowers or been invited to a drive through the park.
” With a dark laugh, she shook her head.
“No, it does not matter what I want, for I shall never have it. Instead, I have chosen to be happy with what I do have. I am, indeed, fortunate. My family does not pressure me to seek a husband at all cost. They do not force me into a match I would not want, allowing me to remain here with them in a place that is home where I can see to my grandmother and someday soon be an aunt to my nephews and nieces.” Inhaling a deep sigh, she nodded.
“It will be a good life. I know it will.”
Despite her words, deep sadness rested in her eyes, mixed with a longing that Christopher understood.
Her green eyes looked into his. “Why are you here?” Juliet whispered, yet her voice held no small measure of determination. “Why did you come?”
Christopher swallowed. “Your grandmother invit—”
“No,” Juliet interrupted him. “Here? Now? Why are you not at Fartherington Hall? Why are you here?”
Gritting his teeth, Christopher stared at her. “For the same reason,” he replied, knowing that although it was the truth, it was not the complete truth.
Nodding, Juliet dropped her gaze and then turned away. Soft steps carried her closer to a thick trunk, the tree’s leaves drifting down to settle in her hair. She reached out her hands and touched the rough bark almost lovingly.
“Why did you ask about Mr. MacKinnear?” The moment the words left his lips, Christopher could have kicked himself. “Why did you want him to join us?”
A slight frown creased her forehead as Juliet turned to look at him over her shoulder. “Because I thought he would enjoy it. As I’ve told you, he’s a friend.”
Christopher raked a hand through his hair, dislodging the leaves that had settled there. “Do you care for him?” he asked, dimly aware that he had done so before. Yet she had not answered his question to his satisfaction.
Juliet chuckled, her gaze still sweeping over the tree’s bark as though it held something deeply fascinating. “Why do you keep asking me that? Is it about what my sisters suspected? It was nothing more than a silly idea. I can assure you it is not true.”
“But it is!”
Slowly, Juliet turned to face him, a deep frown upon her face as she regarded him. “What? No, you’re wrong. Why would you think that?”
Moving toward her, Christopher felt his insides twist and turn, urging him to take back his words. What if they gave her hope? What if she realized that marriage to Mr. MacKinnear would allow her to hold on to her dreams?
“It cannot be true! It is not!” Juliet insisted stubbornly, her gaze fixed upon him as he approached. “Why would you—?”
“Because your grandmother told me so.” The words rushed from his lips in a deep breath.
Juliet stared at him in shock.
“She said she felt guilty for hindering your chances all those years,” Christopher told her, needing her to understand that there had been other reasons she had never received an offer of marriage.
“She wants to make it up to you, and she believes that Mr. MacKinnear is…your perfect match.” Those last words he gritted out through clenched teeth, his pulse thundering in his veins.
Still staring at him, Juliet shook her head. “It cannot be,” she mumbled. “Why…Why would she tell you that? You and no one else?”
Christopher sighed. “Because she asked for my opinion. Since we used to be close friends, she thought I would be able to see if you…felt something for him.”
Her teeth sank into her lower lip, not releasing it as she nodded her head in understanding. “Is that why you keep asking me if I care for him?”
Christopher did not dare answer her. “You are not without choices,” he told her instead, wondering if she ever—even if only for a moment—contemplated marrying him, Christopher.
“Are you saying I ought to marry him?” Juliet asked unexpectedly, the look in her eyes twisting his insides painfully.
“No!” His answer came like a bullet fired from a pistol, making her flinch. Gritting his teeth, Christopher cast her an apologetic look. “I’m sorry. I mean, you should carefully consider…what it is you want.” Who you want, he added silently.
Holding his gaze, Juliet nodded, the look in her eyes distant. “Of course,” she mumbled under her breath. “Of course.” Then she strode past him and pulled herself back into the saddle. “I think I’ll return home. I feel a bit…overwhelmed.”
Nodding in agreement, Christopher followed her, once again cursing himself for not being honest, for allowing her to believe that it did not matter to him whom she married so long as she was happy.
Indeed, he was too selfish to simply step back.
He wanted her but worried that she would never have him once she knew about the mistakes he had made.
That she would not even be his friend any longer.
Yet if he kept silent, he would lose her to another.
Christopher had no doubt. Perhaps it was time to tell her everything and pray that she would still look at him with affection in her heart.