Farewell
Chapter sixteen
Christopher felt as though he was going mad.
Two days had passed since the moment in the pavilion, and Juliet had still not left her chamber.
According to her family, she was quite well but preferred to remain in her chamber as she felt exhausted and needed rest. But was that the truth? Or was she simply avoiding seeing him?
With the autumn ball only a few days off, all of Whickerton Grove was abuzz.
It was as Christopher remembered it, a house full of people, loud and chaotic and…
joyful. These were people who enjoyed being with one another, who could not keep away from one another for more than a few days.
Indeed, all the Whickerton sisters had come with their husbands, and he smiled when he saw Christina’s adopted little daughter dance from one room to the next, the same wide-eyed expression upon her face that Christopher had felt many times before on his own face when he had been young.
“Will you come to the ball as well?” young Samantha asked, her eyes sparkling with excitement. “I’ve never been to a ball. Will you dance with me?”
Christopher could not recall ever having been invited to one of his parents’ balls when he had been young. However, the Whickertons were different, and they did things differently. “It will be my great honor,” he told her with a formal bow.
Grinning from ear to ear, Samantha performed an almost perfect curtesy, especially considering that she was only six years old.
“You are too kind, my lord.” She giggled and then continued twirling around and around, from one room to the next, as she watched all the preparations being done around her.
Impatience sent Christopher outdoors, and over the course of two days, he managed to explore the gardens of Whickerton Grove quite thoroughly.
Yet his mind remained absent, fixed upon one single moment, as his feet moved.
Again and again, he relived the moment in the pavilion.
It tortured him. Reminded him that he had been the one to hurt Juliet.
He had overstepped and, unable to make herself understood, Juliet’s mind had taken the only way out that had remained to her.
As Whickerton Grove prepared for the coming ball, Christopher wracked his mind about what to do, how to proceed. He needed to leave, but he could not without at least bidding Juliet farewell.
Or was he lying to himself? As frustrated as he was with her for hiding in her chamber, Christopher could not deny that her actions kept him at Whickerton Grove.
Kept him here.
By her side.
The trouble was that he knew what he wanted—he had always known what he wanted!—but had not known how to see his dreams realized. After all, he had made grave mistakes. He had lied. He had hidden the truth. He was hiding the truth.
And now, it was too late. Juliet was promised to another. He had missed his chance—if he had ever had one. He ought to have spoken to her the moment of his return. He ought to have insisted. He…
The tall clock in the corner struck midnight, and Christopher flinched.
He had all but forgotten the world around him, shocked to see that darkness had fallen and that the house lay silent.
Had he even sat down to supper with the others?
Had Juliet been there? Had they sat across from one another without him realizing it?
Christopher shook his head. No, that was not possible. It was more likely that he had simply forgotten the time, ignorant of everything around him, his mind dwelling on this one obsession.
Again, he began to pace, his hands linked behind his back as he contemplated what to do. How much longer did Juliet intend to stay in her chamber? She was avoiding him, was she not? And there was nothing he could do about it. After all, he couldn’t simply—
Christopher pulled to a halt. Why ever not?
Not daring to dwell any longer upon this outrageous thought that had suddenly entered his mind, he strode from the drawing room and out into the foyer.
Quick strides carried him up the stairs and then down the corridor.
He moved silently through the dark hallways, his ears listening for sounds that might alert him to another’s approach. Yet there were none.
The house seemed fast asleep; he the only one plagued by insomnia.
And then he stood outside Juliet’s door, his hand lifted to knock.
He hesitated for only a moment, then gave the smooth wood two quick raps.
Reasoning with himself that she was probably already asleep, completely unaware of the fact that someone was standing outside her door, Christopher drew in a sharp breath when he suddenly heard someone moving around inside.
The sounds were soft, almost inaudible, yet they spoke to him loud and clear. Was he perhaps not the only one plagued by insomnia after all? Had she been pacing the length of her chamber as he had downstairs in the drawing room?
And then the door opened, and his eyes fell upon Juliet, her hair undone and a robe tied over her nightgown. A candle burned somewhere in the room behind her, illuminating her and casting soft shadows over her face. Wide eyes met his, and for a long moment, neither one of them spoke.
Then Christopher took a step toward her, and instead of closing the door or insisting he leave, Juliet moved back, allowing him inside. Her wide eyes remained upon his as he closed the door behind him, words—any words!—still stuck in his throat.
“Why are you here?” she asked as the silence stretched between them. A timid smile played over her face as she pulled her robe tighter around her. “If Troy finds you here…”
Christopher nodded. “I know,” he croaked, then cleared his throat. “I needed to see you.” He looked into her eyes. “You’ve been avoiding me.”
Even in the dim light, he could see a soft rosy glow come to her cheeks. “I suppose I have.” She turned away, crossing to the other side of the chamber.
“Why?” He knew why, did he not? Yet he needed her to say it.
“I was embarrassed,” Juliet said in a small voice before she tentatively lifted her eyes to his.
In the dim light, Christopher could barely make out her features, and so he moved closer. “There is nothing for you to be embarrassed about,” he told her in a tight voice. “I, however, must apologize. I should never have—” The words would not make it past his lips.
Juliet regarded him carefully, her teeth digging into her lower lip. “Do you regret what happened?”
Christopher was about to say yes when he paused, wondering what she was asking. He did regret being too forward, but he did not regret trying to steal a kiss.
Her kiss.
Their kiss.
For the third time, it had ended before it had even begun. Another almost kiss. Perhaps the next time would…
No! He could not think like this! He needed to leave…but first…
“Are we still friends?” Christopher asked instead of answering her.
A surprised look came to her face. “Of course, we are.” Then she stilled. “Or do you not wish to be?”
The bashful expression on her face made Christopher smile despite the sadness that lingered in his heart.
“I cannot imagine ever having a better friend, Jules. All my life, you’ve been my heart and soul, my conscience, my strength and my solace.
” Tears glistened in her eyes. “These past six years, I’ve missed you terribly, only truly realizing how much when I saw you again at your sister’s wedding.
Will you…?” He swallowed, coming to stand in front of her.
“Will you call me Kit again? I’ve always been Kit to you, and I want to be Kit again. I want—”
I want you to love me, was what Christopher wanted to say. He did not though. He had no right to. She had made her choice, and he would respect it. Now, all he could hope for was her friendship.
“Of course, I will,” Juliet breathed, tears glistening in her eyes as she smiled at him.
It was the same smile he had seen and cherished all his life.
It was the kind of smile that made him feel treasured and loved.
“Kit.” Her smile deepened, whispered of longing, as though she had only waited for him to ask this of her.
“You’ll always be Kit to me. The boy who pulled me out into the rain.
The boy who climbed up to my chamber when I was ill.
The boy who snatched a spider from my hair even though he hated them as well.
” A warm chuckle left her lips, and she sighed.
“You’ll always be Kit to me. Nothing can change that. ”
Not even marriage to another man? Christopher wondered, feeling his insides tense at the thought of Juliet with Mr. MacKinnear.
“Thank you,” Christopher told her, realizing that there was nothing else left to say. He had apologized, had he not? He was not quite certain. Looking into her glistening green eyes, he felt the world drift away. All that was and would be no longer important.
“Kit?”
“Mmh?” Christopher blinked, then shook his head. Had he been staring at her? “I need to go. I—” He sighed, smiling at her. “I wish I could stay,” he said despite his better judgement. “But…”
Juliet nodded as she bowed her head, her eyes falling from his. “I know. It is for the best.” She inhaled a shaky breath, then looked up at him once more. “Does someone await your return in Ireland?”
Christopher swallowed. “Yes,” he replied before he could stop himself, knowing that he did not wish to lie to her. If only he could explain. If only she could know and still look at him with that smile upon her lips.
“I see,” Juliet mumbled, then turned away and stepped up to the window. “I wish you a safe journey.” She spoke without looking at him, and Christopher knew that there was nothing he could say to bring that smile back to her lips.
“Goodbye, Jules,” he whispered and then stepped from the room, his heart breaking in two as he did so.