Once Upon a Time
Chapter twenty-three
Juliet felt her hands begin to tremble as she stepped back.
At least for a moment, she needed a bit of distance to wrap her mind around Christopher’s confession.
She was not angry with him. Of course not.
They had been friends then: nothing more.
Yet the thought of another in his arms made her heart ache painfully.
“I’m so very sorry,” Christopher said again, anguish in his voice.
His warm brown eyes held such pain that Juliet could not help but feel for him.
“I never meant for it to happen.” He hung his head, exhaled a deep breath, and then said, “A few weeks later, she sought me out and told me she was with child.” Shaking his head, he raked a hand through his already tousled hair.
“My parents were furious. Finally, they had unerring proof that I was as flawed as they had always known me to be.” He scoffed, a dark sound full of regret and anger.
Then his eyes dimmed. “My father suffered a heart attack the next day.” Tears clung to his eyes.
“My mother never forgave me for…” He shrugged.
Thunderstruck, Juliet stared at Christopher. “Your father’s death was not your fault, Kit! Do you hear me?” She shot forward and grasped his hands, looking up into his face. “How dare she place that upon your shoulders? I will…talk to her. Yes, I will talk to her and—”
Christopher chuckled, a warm glow suddenly upon his face. “Are you my knight in shining armor then, trying to save me?”
Rolling her eyes, Juliet slapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t act as though they did nothing wrong, Kit! As though you have no right to be angry? They are your parents. It is their job to love you, to—” Christopher could not help his grin from widening. “Don’t laugh at me!”
Shaking his head, he pulled her back into his arms. “I’m not. Truly, I’m not. You’re simply so…so adorable. I…I missed you so much. I’d forgotten what it felt like to have you in my corner.”
Juliet swallowed, feeling the full weight of those dark brown eyes looking into hers. “What does it feel like?”
Christopher’s shoulders rose and fell with a deep sigh. “When you’re with me,” he whispered, leaning his forehead against hers, “I feel whole.” His warm breath tickled her lips, and Juliet closed her eyes, allowing herself to savor the moment.
It had been too long.
“Are you not upset with me?” Christopher asked then, and his head rose, his eyes seeking hers.
Juliet frowned, momentarily at a loss. Her heart beat fast and forcefully, welcoming the emotions Christopher’s embrace roused within her. “Upset with you?”
He nodded. “I betrayed you. That night, I…”
“We were friends,” Juliet said quickly, loathe to speak of him in the arms of another. “There was no understanding between us that…” She dropped her gaze.
“I loved you even then.”
Juliet’s head snapped up, and she stared into his eyes. “You did?”
His head bobbed up and down slowly as his brown eyes looked deep into hers.
“That night made me realize what I wanted. It made me realize you were the one I wanted all along. It made me realize I wanted more than your friendship.” His eyes closed, and a dark scoff left his lips.
“The very moment I lost you, I finally realized how much I wanted you.” His hands tightened on hers, anguish in his eyes.
“It nearly killed me. I wanted to tell you everything, but after everything that I’d already lost—my brother, my father, my mother’s respect—what little of it she had for me—I could not bear the thought of seeing you turn from me as well. ”
Juliet flinched. “I never would have, you fool!” she exclaimed, shocking herself.
How long had it been since she had responded to another with such vehemence?
Christopher had always been the one to bring it out in her.
With him, she was someone she did not dare be on her own.
“I loved you as well,” she whispered with a sigh, “and it was only when you left that I realized it. Far too late.”
Shaking his head, Christopher chuckled. “We are a pair, are we not? Our timing could not have been worse.”
“Why did you leave without a word?” Juliet finally asked after six long years.
“Why did you not tell me…something? Anything? That is what I’m upset about.
You do not know how long I tortured myself with questions, wondering if it had been something I’d done or said.
” Glaring at him, she shook her head. “You should have told me! You should have said something! You should have—” Her voice broke off as she ran out of words, anger over the pain she had suffered still burning in her veins. “Damn it, Kit, you hurt me!”
Christopher stared at her, and Juliet wondered if it had been her admission, or rather her unfortunate choice of words. She had not meant to swear; yet it seemed appropriate. She hoped it made him listen, made him truly hear her and understand how deeply his actions had shaken her.
Contrition came to Christopher’s face. “I’m so sorry.
I know I should have spoken to you, explained at least…
” He hung his head. “I realized I loved you, and yet I had just fathered a child with another. How could I face you? I was afraid if I told you, you’d turn from me and then I’d lose more than your friendship.
I’d also lose the memory of who we used to be together, unable to forget the way disappointment chased away all tender feelings you might have had for me once.
” His eyes were pleading, and Juliet realized that he was still afraid.
Even now.
Inhaling deeply, she stepped toward him, her hands grasping his. “I might be disappointed, Kit, but that doesn’t mean I no longer love you. Yes, you were a fool. Such a fool!” She squeezed his hands so hard, he yelped. “How could you think I’d ever leave your side?”
Something soft and tender came to his eyes at her words, and Juliet felt her insides soften in turn. Yet more needed to be said. “What happened then?” she asked, holding his gaze. “When…she—?”
“Alice,” Christopher supplied with a contrite look. “Her name is Alice.”
Juliet nodded, her jaw tense. “What happened when…Alice told you she was with child?”
Christopher inhaled a deep breath. “I…I told my parents because…because at least a part of me wanted to punish them. They’d always expected the worst of me, and I suppose I wanted them to suffer for once.” He shrugged. “So, I told them, and the next day, my father was dead.”
“And then?” Juliet pressed, wanting to hear it all now, without delay.
“My mother said no one could ever know,” Christopher remembered, a grave look upon his face. “She sent Alice away, promised her anything if she were to keep that secret and, thus, shame away from our family.” His teeth gritted together. “Alice was more than happy to comply.”
Juliet frowned. “Then how did your son end up with you?”
Christopher rolled his shoulders, then stretched his neck from side to side.
“At first, I too complied with my mother’s wishes.
She lectured me for hours, and I came to realize that whether I liked it or not, a lot of people suddenly depended on me.
So, I played along as best as I could until I happened upon a letter addressed to my mother.
It was the day of my sister’s wedding, and the entire house was in an uproar.
I suppose my mother must have set it down and forgotten it. ” He shrugged.
“What did it say?”
A small smile came to Christopher’s face, both sad and joyful.
“It informed her of my son’s birth. She hadn’t even bothered to tell me.
” His hands suddenly gestured wildly, and Juliet could see raw emotions on his face.
“The moment I read it, I knew I needed to see him, and so I left the second my sister was wed. Unlike our mother, she understood and told me to go.”
Tears stood in Christopher’s eyes. “I knew I was to forget about him, but the moment I saw him, held him, I knew I couldn’t.
” He closed his eyes. “Alice had no interest in him. What she wanted was the monthly stipend my mother sent, and I realized if I did nothing, my son would grow up thinking no one wanted him, loved him, no doubt wondering what he had done wrong.”
“So, you took him away to Ireland?” Christopher nodded. “He’s been there with you all this time?” Again, Christopher nodded. “Why Ireland?”
With a tense jaw, Christopher shrugged. “I knew that in England he would forever be branded a bastard. He is my son, but he will never be my heir.” Anger flashed in his eyes.
“I…I wanted something untainted for him. A place for us to begin again and pretend the rest of the world did not exist. I wanted him to grow up feeling loved and wanted.” He looked into her eyes, and Juliet could see how deeply he needed her to understand.
“To my mother, he was nothing more than a mistake, and I knew that the rest of society would look at him the same way. I did not want that for him, and so I took him away.”
A deep, heartfelt smile came to Juliet’s face as she looked up at Christopher.
The words he had just spoken touched her deeply and made her proud of the man he had become.
He had found himself in an impossible situation, and yet where others would have turned a blind eye, he had faced up to his responsibility, had gone beyond even that and followed his heart.
He had not seen the mistake but an innocent child who deserved a home, a family.
Holding Christopher’s hands tightly within her own, Juliet looked up into his eyes. “What is your son’s name?”
At her question, his features relaxed, and a tentative smile came to his face. “Sebastian,” he murmured, pride and love and longing resonating in his voice as he spoke of his son. “His name is Sebastian.”
“After your brother.”
Heaving a deep sigh, Christopher nodded. “Yes, after my brother.”