Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
ONYX
July
The boat Cash booked for us is one of the single-couple tour boats.
It’s designated for intimate private tours of up to four guests, a captain, and a tour guide.
Cash remains silent and on the dock as I examine the boat from top to bottom.
Not only a safety check, but also to familiarize myself with this particular boat. It’s new since Gramps was here last.
When I hear voices outside, I climb the stairs from the cabin below as I hear Lie ask, “What did you plan?”
I’m not in the least bit surprised it’s Lie. Although I’m unsure why touring his best friend around is such a secret. Even hearing Laiken’s voice answering, I’m a little slow putting the pieces together.
“I asked Cash if he’d be willing to give us a private tour of the islands,” Laiken answers.
Lie follows up with, “I didn’t think you knew how to drive the boat yet.”
As if I purposefully timed my entrance, I join them above deck. Lie and Laiken stare at me in surprise, though Lie’s surprise quickly turns to something else as his eyes narrow on me.
Cash huffs. “Onyx is a nosy bitch,” he complains, “but I was talking to one of the guys at work on my phone, and he overheard. He offered to drive.”
“You drive boats?” Laiken asks me.
I nod. What I left out when talking to Cash is what I volunteer to Laiken. “My parents have a private boat moored on Makara. I’ve been driving it since I was seven.” I don’t add that I haven’t touched it since the last time Gramps and Gran were here. I tried once, but it felt too… painful to do so.
It was my dad’s boat. My grandparents loved to rent all the boats on Kala during their visits, but dad had loved his boat. Something nostalgic from his childhood.
I should do something with it someday so it doesn’t rot or whatever.
“He promises he won’t see a thing and won’t repeat a thing,” Cash says. “I didn’t tell him who we were taking on a tour. Just so you know.”
“I don’t know either of you,” I say, and approach the side of the boat to help them on. “I’m just here.” All three of them watch me, Cash with a frown and Lie practically glaring. I’m not shocked that he’s not my biggest fan. No doubt he knows everything that went down between Cash and me.
“Well. Let’s go,” Laiken says.
Cash smiles and gestures for them to climb on board. I offer a hand to assist them when stepping onto the rocking boat. Lie gives me a hard look before accepting it and climbing aboard. He inclines his head toward Laiken as he joins Lie.
Lie stares at me like he’s ready to gut me as I offer my hand to Cash, too. Cash purses his lips but accepts my proffered help. I’m not imagining the zap that shivers through my body as soon as our skin touches. Fuck. I miss him. I miss his hand on mine.
The bow of the boat is built out into a bed-like space. The cushions continue on either side until they reach the cabin and helm. As they get settled, I untie us from the dock and take my station behind the helm that Cash leans against.
Everyone is quiet while I slowly and carefully maneuver us away from the dock and away from the traffic here. I don’t pay a lot of attention to what Cash says right away. Being behind the wheel is second nature, even though it’s been years since I’ve driven.
“So, I’ve devised a new tour that I’d like to try on you. If that’s okay,” Cash says. “Onyx is going to bring us toward where we’d ideally leave from.”
“Sounds good,” Laiken answers.
Once I’m in less crowded water, I split my attention between driving and the other guys.
Laiken is watching me, and it reminds me of a conversation I recently had.
“You’re friends with Deryke,” I say, and Laiken gives me a curious look.
“He doesn’t come around to listen to us play anymore, but he’d once been a fan of Whiskey Horizons. ”
“Let me guess,” Lie says. “Ben turned him off the band.”
With a demure sigh, I roll my eyes. “Yes. But we became friends, nonetheless.”
Lie shakes his head. “I wish you’d get your head out of your ass,” he mutters.
Cash coughs, covering his mouth and his laughter.
I don’t respond as I continue smiling at them. I suppose news doesn’t travel as much as I thought it would, or he’d know that I haven’t spoken to Ben in ages. Weeks. I haven’t been playing as much at the Hinky Dinky Bar as we used to, which he should have taken note of.
“Okay, so we’ll start here. I’m going to kind of pick and choose random things to cover because I haven’t quite worked out all the interesting facts I’d like to share and which I can skip because maybe they’re just interesting to me,” Cash says.
“Sounds good,” Laiken says and leans back, wrapping his arm around Lie’s shoulders. “We’re happy for the ride.” Lie cuddles into his side.
Then again, maybe the news of our fractured friendship has traveled the island, but Lie is caught up in his own secret life to take part in the gossip train right now.
While I focus on the drive, I also listen to Cash talk. At first, it’s just to bask in his voice because I’ve missed hearing him talk. After a while, I realize that I’m just as engaged as Laiken and Lie are with all the information he shares.
I didn’t know at least half of the things he’s shared. What I already knew, Cash expanded on. It wasn’t just facts but stories of the first people who inhabited the islands. Their lore of the islands’ creation and the gods who used to rule the islands.
He even brings us through an old ritual offering to Mount Pepper, and I’m fascinated when the volcano seems to hiccup and a fresh wave of steam puffs out. As if Cash had called on it. As if there really was a god inside the volcano who responded.
Cash is engaging. When Lie or Laiken has a question, he has an answer. Hell, I forgot I wasn’t part of the tour on a few occasions and asked questions. It’s the first time in weeks he answered with happy enthusiasm, and I fucking drank it up.
He made everything fun, and I have to say, this is exactly what Cash was meant to do. I’m sure part of it is the fact that he knows everyone on board. He’s comfortable with us, but I’d be willing to bet he’d kill it as a personal tour guide.
By the time we’re just floating around off the west coast of Bane Island, Laiken asks, “Did you learn all that at your job?”
Cash shakes his head and shrugs. “Some of it, yeah. But the library has a whole section dedicated to Kala’s history.
Not just from the time when the Calloways acquired it, but prior to that.
I’ve asked my bosses why they didn’t go to some of the places we visited today, and they said it was ‘too hard’ or ‘off the well-traveled path.’ My favorite is, ‘no one will care about that.’ What they’re really saying is that they’re all too lazy to try something new. ”
I nod, adding, “I can tell you that none of the drive was hard.”
Cash gestures at me as if saying, see! I feel like we’re on the same page. The same team. I’d give anything to keep it like this.
Eventually, I take us back to the docks on Anapos.
“Thank you,” Laiken tells Cash. “I appreciate being your guinea pig. I’ve already paid the boat and fuel bill and transferred you some cash.”
“Thanks,” Cash says with a smile.
“I think you should consider being your own boss and opening your own tour company,” Laiken adds, and Cash beams at him before looking at Lie. His eyes glitter.
“Thanks. That’s what I’d like to do. I think I can do better than the ones we have, but it’s so much money.”
“You’ll get there. I’m happy to vouch for your business or offer whatever support I can.”
Cash continues to smile at them as they climb off the boat. He waves as they head down the docks again and watches them until they’re out of sight.
Before he can end this, I ask, “Can we go back to the sleeping woman? I don’t think I caught where you were pointing.”
He shrugs. “Sure.”
I think he knows that I’m just prolonging our time together, not ready to let him go just yet. He’s in a good enough mood that he isn’t throwing his walls back up yet.
The afternoon is busy, so I’m slow as I bring the boat through traffic until I can park us between Etsumi and Ceto, where Cash tells me to, and lower the anchor so we don’t end up on the sandbar.
I leave the steering and stand beside Cash. “So, the images I saw have that part being the woman’s head, and she’s lying on her arm there. Then her hips bump up there and narrow down to her delicate ankles. You see it?”
He traces the places that he’s talking about, and yes, but I feel like you need to squint and tilt your head.
“What I actually think is the sleeping woman was lost in translation over the years. See the rock there and the very distinct place where trees are growing on that side?” He points, and I follow where he’s indicating, nodding.
“I think that’s her head. If you follow the logic that she’s lying slightly cocked on her side, you can see where her hands are clenched at her chest there. ”
He folds his hands together and puts them in front of his heart, so I know what I’m looking for, and fuck, if I don’t see it clear as day. Then I follow his hand as he wordlessly outlines the rest of her shape.
“Well, damn. I see that far more clearly than the first interpretation you gave.”
“Right? I saw this right away. I’ve had to train myself to see what the books describe.”
“You should add that to your next tour.”
Cash gives me a bemused smile.
Silence settles over us, and I think I’m going to take a chance now. We’re alone. He can’t run. I mean, I suppose he can go under the deck and into the cabin.
“Cash—”
“Don’t,” he interrupts. “I said we’re only talking boats and tours and whatever.”
“You did, and I’ve respected that. Mostly.” He squints at me. “But the tour is over. Now we can talk.”
“I have nothing to say.”
“That’s fine. I have a lot to say.”
Cash crosses his arms over his chest, closing himself off.
“I made a mistake,” I say, and I think he stops breathing. He’s determinedly not looking at me, but his lips press tightly together. “I shouldn’t have chosen Benson over you.”
“Why are you even friends with him?” he demands. “You know he would never give you the same loyalty. Especially if he knew you’re not the same kind of toxic hetero asshole he claims you are.”
I sigh and shake my head. “I don’t know, Cash. This isn’t the boy I used to know. Not the kid I met as a small child, and not the guy I started Whiskey Horizons with. I think I stuck around hoping that Ben still exists somewhere and will eventually come back.”
“I once hoped that,” he says quietly and looks up at the sleeping lady. “It didn’t take me as long as it’s taking you to realize that’s not going to happen.”
“I didn’t want to admit it,” I confess.
“You do now?”
“When he told you he hopes you die, yes. That’s when I finally accepted it. My Ben would never say that to you, of all people. It was then that I realized my Ben is long gone. Lost. He’s never going to exist again.”
Cash bows his head, nodding minutely. I think I hear him sniff. As much as losing my best friend sucks, he lost his brother. Neither of us knows why.
“I should have figured it out before then,” I admit. “I should never have walked away from you. I’m sorry. Can I take it back?”
He snorts and turns his back on me. “Life doesn’t work that way,” he mutters.
My chest gets tight. He’s not going to let me back in. He’s not going to forgive me.
I close the distance between us so I’m at his back with barely a breath between us.
“Every single song I’ve ever written is about you,” I whisper and hear the way he inhales.
“You’re the person I’m singing to in every love song.
Everything is a love note to you, Cash. Since we were kids.
You’ve always been my light, my star, all the songs in my chest, every feeling inside me—it’s all you. ”
“Don’t do that,” he whispers, voice trembling. “That’s not fair.”
Cautiously, I rest my hands on his narrow hips and lean in so my mouth is at the shell of his ear. “I fucked up, Cash. Please, please give me a chance to make it up to you.”
He wipes his face with his hand but doesn’t answer me.
He also doesn’t push me away. I know I’m pushing his boundaries, but I step into him and wrap my arms around him, hugging him tightly.
“I’ve loved you since we were young,” I whisper.
“Ben losing his mind forced me to… choose, and I chose wrong. I’ve been making the wrong choice for almost nine years now.
I put someone before you, and I swear to the volcano god that I will never do that again. ”
“You can’t love me,” he whines. “Stop saying things like that.”
“I love you,” I counter.
“You’re being a jerk,” Cash says defiantly. I’m surprised when he spins in my arms and stares at me with hard, glassy eyes. “And what happens if Ben finds out that you love me? What if he finds out that we’re together? What then? What will you do then?”
“Choose you. I will always choose you, Cash. I’ve been trying to tell you that as soon as the wrong words came out of my mouth, but you wouldn’t let me say them.”
His bottom lip trembles as he stares up at me. I can see the war raging in his eyes, but I’m not sure what more I can say. I’ve confessed everything. I’ve ripped myself open for him. Now it’s his choice. Everything is in his hands.