Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty-Six
CASH
November
Lie narrows his eyes at his cards in his hand before he chooses one. Then he pauses and looks up with a frown. “What game are we playing again?”
Onyx laughs. Laiken hangs his head. I’m not sure either of them has learned that when he’s being the most mindless is when he’s realized he’s about to kick our asses in the game.
Which he does as soon as he lays down the six.
We spend the next few minutes watching him empty his hands twice, clean up his discard pile, and use up his entire personal pile.
In effect, he just won the game. To which he plays up ignorance when he touches the spot where his personal pile had been and frowns. “I really need another eleven so I can clear out that pile.”
“Fucker,” Onyx mutters and tosses his cards on the table.
I shove Lie, and he finally breaks the facade with a grin.
“Wow. One of these days, I’m going to remember that you’re smarter than all of us,” Laiken says.
Lie bats his eyes.
A knock at the door has Laiken getting to his feet. “That better be food. I’m about to get hangry from getting my ass kicked in this game three rounds in a row.”
Onyx begins gathering all the cards together to shuffle.
One of these days, they will remember that Lie pretends he’s dumb until right before he’s going to sweep the board.
I mean, the name of the game is plastered all over every single card.
He can’t forget what game we’re playing. It’s impossible!
“Cash?”
I twist in my seat and freeze. The entire room pauses when my parents walk in. Chills break out over my body. It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen or spoken to them.
Onyx abandons the cards and gets to his feet, offering me his hand. I feel frozen. It takes him gently touching my shoulder to animate me again, and I let him pull me to my feet. Which I need. I’ve forgotten how to make my legs work.
“We’re going to get the grill started,” Laiken says.
Onyx watches him and Lie leave with a frown. I wonder if they forgot that we have food being delivered.
“Hi, baby,” Pops says.
My stomach threatens to turn inside out. I’m not sure if I’m overcome because I miss them or hurt that it’s been a month and a half, or… angry. Am I angry? Should I be?
“Hi,” I answer and lean into Onyx.
“Can we talk?” Dad asks.
I grip Onyx’s arm for a second before nodding.
Onyx doesn’t leave my side. He sits behind me when I climb onto a stool at the counter. Dad and Pops sit in much the same way we do, with Dad in the chair and Pops slightly behind him but also at his side.
“We owe you an apology,” Dad says. “Several. Endless.”
“We’ve come to understand that we didn’t want to believe Benson was as out of control as literally every other person said he was,” Pops says. “We refused to believe it. Refused to see it. The veil we clung to is the reason Benson hurt you, and there isn’t enough apologizing we can do for that.”
“I hope you’re not only referring to the physical attack,” Onyx says, and I hear the deep frown in his voice. “Benson has spent nine years hurting Cash.”
“We know,” Pops says. “I guess we feel like the physical confrontation was the apex of the situation.”
“There was no confrontation. It was an attack,” Onyx corrects.
Both of my dads incline their heads in acknowledgment.
“You’re right,” Dad says.
I chew the inside of my lip and wonder if I feel better with their acknowledgment and apology. It feels… anticlimactic. Like there’s no resolution. No closure.
“Okay,” I say eventually, because I’m not sure what to say otherwise. I’m not entirely sure what I feel right now.
“We should have listened to you. We should have taken you seriously,” Dad says. Maybe he realizes that I don’t know how to process this, but it’s not enough. “I’m so, so sorry, Cash. So sorry.”
There are tears in his eyes. The thing is, I believe him even without the tears. In fact, I think I already knew everything they said. So why does it feel… unsatisfactory?
“I know.”
“You’re not ready to forgive us,” Pops guesses.
“I…” I lean back into Onyx because I need some guidance here. “I don’t know. I thought an apology was what I needed, but… maybe it’s not. Maybe waiting six weeks to apologize is too long.”
“Cash, you blocked us. We tried to reach out every single day, especially in the days following.”
“I didn’t!”
“I did,” Onyx says, and he sets my phone on the counter beside me. I didn’t even know he had it.
I spin in my seat to look at him, surprised. “Why?”
“Because I was pissed that they had let Benson back into the house—the single place where you’re supposed to be safe from everything!
—and basically allowed that situation to happen.
They gave Benson the tools. The means. After they witnessed his irrational mental state and listened to him wish your death.
They still let him into a position to access and physically hurt you.
And they thought a fucking apology was enough to fix nine years of ignoring the situation under their fucking noses. ”
His anger is loud. He’s not yelling, but I hear his anger.
For a long time, I stare at Onyx and realize I understand his words and why he did it. I’m not even angry about it. So I turn to look at my fathers again.
“You’re right,” Dad says again. “You shouldn’t have made that decision for him, though.”
Onyx shrugs. “I did. I’ve been trying to protect him for years, Leon.
I know I also enabled Benson’s behavior by never forcing him to get help for the hate and nastiness that was consuming him, but I’ve come to understand that my reasons for hanging out with Benson were that it was the easiest way to ensure he didn’t hurt Cash.
Meanwhile, you ignored everyone and everything.
So, yeah, I made the decision for him. I’m not even sorry about it, though I can admit that I should have told him I blocked your numbers several weeks ago.
” He turns me on the stool so I’m facing him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. In all honesty, I forgot.
I was too focused on the life we were building, and I just… forgot. I’m sorry.”
I nod.
His hand cups the side of my face. “I didn’t mean to force them out of your life like that.
I blocked them to give you time to process without their excuses ringing in your head.
I didn’t mean to keep them blocked. I had every intention of telling you after a few days that I’d done it so you could decide how to handle this situation. Their silence is my fault. Not theirs.”
Maybe that’s what I needed to hear because I don’t feel so empty anymore.
I should be angry with Onyx. But maybe I’ve spent so long thinking that no one cared enough to do something about Benson’s bullying that I’m more touched by the red flag of control he took in my life because he did it from a place of care.
I was his priority. My mental and physical health. My safety. My healing.
Excusing this doesn’t feel like I’m giving him that control and a free pass to do it again. It feels like I’m taking it back. I don’t even care if that makes no sense.
I turn in my seat to face my dads. “Tell me again,” I say, hearing the way my voice shakes. “Now that I understand why you couldn’t call me. Tell me again, please.”
“We’re sorry we didn’t protect you the way we should have,” Pops says, and there are tears in his eyes. “We didn’t want to believe Benson was as out of control as he’d gotten. We didn’t want to believe that he’d ever hurt you. We refused to believe you were in danger of him hurting you.”
“We’re sorry we didn’t keep you safe like we should have,” Dad adds. “We’re so, so sorry we never took you seriously when you told us what Ben was saying and doing.”
There’s the emotion I expected to have. I sniff, trying to keep it in because I don’t want to cry. Crying is ugly. It’s awful and gross, and I rather like breathing through my nose. So I take a deep breath through my mouth, attempting to clear up any lingering tears.
“I forgive you,” I whisper.
Dad gets off the chair and pulls me into a tight hug. Pops joins him, and I’m surrounded by my dads. It doesn’t matter that I just barely got my tears under wraps. Now I’m crying, and I can’t make it stop.
My dads are too, though, and that might be a big reason why I can’t stop crying. Minutes pass, and I think I can actually feel some parts inside me healing. It hurt when I thought they chose not to talk to me. Now that I know it’s not their fault, it feels better.
Dad rests his forehead against mine. “I’m sorry, Cash. I hope you understand that I’ll never be able to truly express how sorry I am. I failed you.”
I shake my head, but Dad doesn’t let me argue.
“Part of parenthood is protecting your kids. Even, and especially, from their own family. That’s where we failed you.”
“Can we just… put it behind us now?” I ask. “Ben’s gone, and I’ve wasted enough time on him already.”
Pops sighs. “I didn’t think he’d actually leave.”
“No offense, Pops, but I’m not sad he left.”
“I know, and… maybe I’m a little relieved too.
Now that I can look back at all the things I refused to believe and understand that they’re the truth.
Knowing they’re true and recognizing how miserable you must have been…
I’m relieved you no longer have to live with Benson over your shoulder any longer. ”
“You’re right,” Dad says for a third time, and I shift to look at him. He looks at Onyx. “We should have forced him to deal with… it. What was it?”
Onyx shakes his head. “Fucked if I know. I spent three years trying to figure it out. I’ve talked to counselors, our teachers, and our friends at school.
” He shrugs. “I seriously have no idea. I understand wanting to believe that the boy we loved was still in there somewhere. That boy kept my loyalty for far too long. Eventually, that loyalty waned, and hanging around Benson became about protecting Cash, even if I didn’t fully realize it at the time.
But what actually happened is something only Ben knows, and he’s taken that with him, having never told another living soul. ”
“I hate thinking that we’re responsible for that too,” Dad says quietly.
“We are, though. In a way. If we’d have forced him to talk to someone, maybe it would have come out.
Maybe he would have dealt with it. We might never have gotten the boy we used to know back, but maybe he’d have found enough peace that he wasn’t always lashing out at everyone. ”
“It must have been exhausting living with all that anger and hatred,” I say. “I’ve thought that a few times. Once, after he was yelling at me at the bar, I remember thinking how tired he must be to carry that around all the time.”
“I guess we all failed Benson, too,” Onyx says, and I feel his hand on my lower back. “No one was doing him any favors by forcing him to deal with it on his own when it was clear he didn’t know how and couldn’t.”
“I agree,” Dad says. “Not the part where everyone is holding some of the blame, but yes, we should have acknowledged that he didn’t have the tools to deal with his shit.”
“Can we come inside now?” Lie asks from the kitchen door that leads to the backyard. “I’m going to guess that group hugs mean everything is going well.”
“Yeah,” I say, and the relief of that word feels like a strong breeze that might carry me away if my dads weren’t holding me so tightly. “You can come in.”
Lie pushes the door wide and comes around the corner to wriggle his way into our hug. My dads laugh and adjust to include him. “I’m really glad that not all dads are pieces of shit.”
Both of my fathers flinch, and Lie looks up. “No, that’s a compliment.”
Pops kisses the side of Lie’s head. “I’m sorry you’re still… dealing with a shitty father, Lie.”
Lie shrugs, and I’m impressed when his voice remains indifferent.
“You learn some big life lessons from your parents, even when you don’t realize they’re teaching you something.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s not a damn thing in this world that my kid could ever do or say that would make me treat them the way my dad is treating me.
Not even if, when they’re a fully grown-ass adult, they fall in love with my best friend. ”
“No offense, but I’m not letting your hypothetical child have Cash,” Onyx says. “I’ll fight them.”
I love the laughter that fills the kitchen.
Our hug breaks apart, and I lean into Onyx’s chest again, feeling so fucking happy. Happy that my parents aren’t like Lie’s. Happy that I know Onyx is the reason my parents didn’t reach out for six weeks. Happy that I don’t feel like there’s still a gulf between us.
“You’ll unblock us?” Dad asks.
“I already did when you walked in,” Onyx answers. “Seeing you reminded me that I hadn’t done it yet. I’m sorry that I kept you from Cash. I think you both needed each other, and I didn’t mean to stand between you.”
Pops grips the back of Onyx’s neck, and I’m relieved when Onyx hugs my dads, too. They’ve always gotten along. Like family. I’d really hate it if they didn’t now.
“I feel like I should be really pissed, and yet, I’m thankful that you put Cash first,” Pops says. “Thank you for protecting our son when we refused to.”
Onyx meets my eyes and smiles. “Cash has been, and always will be, my first priority. That’ll never change.”
The well of warmth in my chest forces me to swallow around a lump in my throat.
“Something I think we should have also seen a long time ago,” Dad muses.
“Okay,” Pops says, and claps his hands together. “Time to celebrate your birthday!”
“I… it was last week.”
“Yes, and we didn’t get to celebrate together like we do every year.” I’m not sure where he produces the cake from, nor where Dad hid the tote of presents that he suddenly has in his hands, but I’m not surprised. Pops kisses my forehead. “Clearly, we were hoping that we could make amends today.”
I nod. “I’m glad we did. I missed you.”
“Baby, we missed you, too. I can’t even tell you how awful these past weeks have been. But it’s behind us now. We’re looking forward, and we can’t wait to be in the life you build with Onyx.”
“First, we’re going to celebrate your birthday as a family,” Dad says.
Maybe I’ll never know what broke inside Benson, and that question will linger for a long time, but for the first time in nine years, my days are not haunted by an angry shadow lingering just around the corner.
I get to live in peace. In happiness. Surrounded by love. That’s literally all I’ve ever wanted.