10. Talitha #2
Closing my eyes, I let out the one thing that I swore I would never admit.
“Sometimes I want to end it all. Then I think about how selfish that would be. I fear what it would do to Gema.” My voice was hoarse from all of the crying I had done but I was suffocating and needed to get this off my chest.
“I’ve been fighting with them since Papa Joe died and sometimes, I think maybe if I just let them have her, my life would be so much better. I didn’t have to do it. I did it because I know she would’ve done it for me.
She did do it for me. I do it out of love. But my God. It would be so easy to just give up. Say fuck it and let them kill her. Cause that’s exactly what’s going to happen if I left her in their care!
They don’t care about her. They want to be around just to say they did something when she finally does pass. My Mama so concerned about being over everything cause she thinks it’s going to earn her some brownie points.
They don’t even realize that Gema’s will been made out. Her and Papa Joe had that shit done after I went off to college. Gema’s will is in a safety deposit box at the bank. I never wanted anything from them. Never needed anything, hell, them rescuing me was enough for me.
I didn’t make them leave me anything. They chose to do it because they knew their kids were fuck ups and money hungry. Yet, I’m the villain. I’m the bad guy. I’m always the one in the wrong,” I was rambling on and on, but I couldn’t stop now.
“I have no social life. No friends. No anything. My day-to-day is consumed with all things Gema. When I get a break at work, I’m scheduling doctor’s appointments or ordering prescriptions at the pharmacy. Paying bills at the house, paying Mrs. Jessie, making sure the insurance on the house is paid…
The money my Mama gets every month from the people she rented Gema house to, I don’t see any of that. She pockets it all. I pay for everything where the house is concerned. I don’t ask them for nothing. If Gema needs something, I make sure it gets done. And this is the way they treat me!”
“Your family is selfish,” Law finally spoke up.
“Selfish as hell. And on God, if I could just cut them out of our life, we would be happier. But they’re her kids and I know she loves them.”
“Cutting them off may be the solution. Especially if this is what you have to deal with all the time.”
“If only it was that easy,” I scoffed. “Uncle Meat don’t never come down.
He moved away and ain’t looked back since.
Willearl don’t stay sober enough. Louise hangs on to my Mama every fucking word.
Betty Jo plays peace maker sometimes, but the other half is spent with her agreeing with the fuck shit. I’m really out here on my own.”
“What does Gema say about it?”
“Tells me not to let them get me so worked up. But it’s hard not to, especially when it’s coming from multiple angles.”
“I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this.”
“I’m used to it, and that’s what’s so fucked about it.”
“But you shouldn’t be.”
“I know, but what other option do I have.” When Law didn’t say anything, I added, “My sentiments exactly. I’m sorry for ruining your dinner.”
“You didn’t ruin my dinner, Talitha. I’m happy I was here to keep you from going off the deep end.”
“It’s gone take more than some tears to break me, Law. I’ve been dealing with this since I was twenty. I’m numb to it most of the time. I guess it really bothered me because the one time I do something that isn’t centered around Gema, I’m looked at like the bad person.”
“That’s not a good thing though, Talitha.”
“It’s life and it’s what I’m used to. Outside of a few old people ailments, my Gema is in good health and that’s really all I could ask for.”
“What can I do to help?” His voice was solemn. I knew he was feeling sorry for me. Pity was the last thing that I needed. From him. From anybody.
“There is no helping me, Law. That’s the thing. I’ve been rescued once; I won’t let it happen again.” My statement was a double entendre. Whether he picked up on it or not was on him, not me.
Realizing that I was still wrapped up in his arms, I leaned my head up and adjusted my body so I could stand. I wasn’t a bitch; I was grateful for him being here in this moment and I needed to express that.
Standing in front of him, I peered down into his eyes. “Thank you so much Law for listening to me vent.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Talitha. You needed a friend in this moment.”
“Still. You didn’t have to sit here and listen.
You could’ve brought me in here and left.
My life is a lot, I come with a lot. I know it and everyone around me does.
I don’t like to bother anyone with my issues cause I never want to feel like a burden so please accept my thanks because you’ll probably never get to see me this raw and uncut again. ”
Rising from his spot on the bed, Law towered over me. “In that case… you’re welcome, Talitha.”
Gazing up at him while his eyes were cast down on me, I was tempted to kiss him. The longer we stood there staring at each other, the faster my heart galloped in my chest. When Law opened his mouth to speak, my breathing labored.
Clearly, we both had it on our mind and instead of going in for the kiss I was desperate to receive, he rubbed the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip. His gaze was so heavy that my body started to feel like shards of glass was prickling it. I cowered under his heated stare.
When I turned my head to break the intense stare, Law grabbed my face between the palms of his hand and turned it back to him.
“I want to kiss you so bad right now, Talitha,” he swore.
When I felt like my knees were getting ready to go out, I gripped his elbows to steady myself.
Bringing his face closer to mine, he whispered, “I want nothing more than to rip you out of this robe and make love to you. God, I desire to make you feel so good.” Shaking his head slightly, he expelled a deep sigh.
“But I can’t. Not like this at least. When I have you, I want you willingly, not battered and bruised. ”
“Law…” I croaked out.
“I want you so bad that I’m physically hurting.” Dropping one of his hands from my face, Law wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled my body into his. I felt him. He said he was physically hurting and the harden member between his legs let me know how true that statement was.
“Lawton,” I whimpered like a wounded fucking cat. I wanted to beg him to have his way with me, but this was my boss. I wanted to cross that line so fucking bad right now, and maybe it was emotionally fueled.
If I wasn’t in such an emotional funk, I wouldn’t dare be standing this close to him. I was though because my heart was crushed and I wanted to feel good, even if only for a few minutes. My hands gripped his arms tighter when he leaned in and placed a kiss on my forehead.
Instead of pulling back, he allowed his lips to linger causing me to close my eyes and suck in a deep breath.
Eventually, he pulled back and gazed down at me before removing his hands, stepping to the side, and walking out of my bedroom.
I couldn’t move; my feet felt like they were cemented to the ground.
I stood in place for what felt like hours while I talked myself out of sprinting out of my bedroom to go look for him. Law had more willpower than I did in this moment, and he made the right call when he walked out. Knowing that, I still felt a ping of rejection.
Once I was able to get myself together, I pulled the covers back and slid into bed. I would stare up at the ceiling until my body calmed down enough for me to fall asleep.