Chapter 38
Honey
Three taps sound at the window.
I should’ve gone to bed hours ago. Instead, it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m wrapped up in a blanket on the couch in the darkness, watching the hand of the clock on the mantelpiece tick by, waiting for the year to end.
Seeing in a new year without the person I thought I’d finally get to experience forever with.
Twenty minutes to go.
Noah went to sleep a couple of hours ago, too tired to stay up.
My mom followed shortly after, aware that I wasn’t up for much celebrating tonight.
Sooner or later the exhaustion of sitting here and wondering if this is my punishment again for thinking Sawyer and I could work will trick me into a light sleep.
I think back to what my mom told me—to wait here for him—but it’s been almost a week now and hoping is so close to becoming futile.
Just like believing we could love each other without consequences has too.
I wonder if I was right, all those years ago, that we’d never know truly how to love.
That maybe love wasn’t made for people like us, not when we’d struggled to understand it growing up.
I just really thought it was different this time.
I thought I had my fairytale ending—
Three taps sound at the window again, this time loud enough to catch my attention.
The windows are bare, curtains yet to be pulled, so as soon as I stand, blanket still clutched closely to my body, and peer out, I notice his truck. The same one he rescued me in all those years ago.
Then I see him.
I half consider that maybe I’ve fallen asleep and I’m in a wistful dream because he’s standing in the snow, in front of his truck, in a suit that looks oddly similar to the one he picked me up in on prom night nine years ago.
He’s even got a bolo tie and cowboy hat on.
Like he’s come to rescue me again. From my heartbreak, perhaps this time.
The déjà vu has a faintness sweeping through my head, my body quaking as I struggle my way over to the front door.
He must sense my movement because where he’d raised a hand to throw more stones, he hesitates, slowly dropping it to his side.
My fingers tremble as I wrap them around the handle and ease open the door, the immediate chill of the winter’s night nipping at my face.
My steps are tentative, wary, as I edge my way outside, the faint sound of Brooks & Dunn’s ‘Again’—our song—playing from his stereo, but my gaze is unyielding, unable to rip away from him.
And my heart—God, my heart is rattling against my chest, not from nerves, but because it’s trying to get through, to claw its way back to Sawyer, where it knows it belongs. Where it always had a home.
‘Hey, Blue,’ he says, eyes shining in the moonlight even from this distance. And—oh God, he’s holding another bunch of blue roses. The sight of them has tears springing into my eyes, an ache radiating behind my nose.
My teeth chatter, from the cold and the cries that are begging to pour out, while my throat is clogged, too many questions and words I want to say to him.
‘You came back,’ is all I manage at first, croaking it out. It’s more than just a statement—a question too.
For good?
He nods and I cling to the banister as I descend the porch steps to stop myself from collapsing with relief into the snow.
‘I came back. Just like you did. Damn world can’t keep us apart forever.’ He tries to paste on his usual charming smirk, but it comes out all wobbly and settles into something gentler. More sincere. He hangs his head. ‘I just needed some time to remember that. I’m sorry.’
With my breath shuddering out now in quiet sobs, clouding in the air before me, I watch as Sawyer stalks towards me.
When he reaches me, his eyes scan my face, flicking about as his pupils enlarge, drinking me in like they’ve been starved of me.
I know mine do the same, taking in every bit of him I’ve missed—his strong jaw, his twinkling chestnut eyes, that moustache that drives me crazy.
Then his brows knit together. ‘I really am sorry. For running.’
He takes my hand and places it on his chest, letting me feel how rapidly his heart is beating too. Ease washes over me being connected to him, having his warmth under my touch again finally. Like I’m whole once more.
‘I … I freaked out,’ he explains. ‘I’ve never been good enough for you, Blue.
Not really. Even though I knew I wanted you more than anything else in the world—more than any bull-riding title they could give me—I always knew I didn’t deserve you.
That you’d see me for how broken I truly was, rough, sharp edges and all, eventually.
But I’d take the risk even if it meant only having you for a moment.
It’s been an honour, really, to be worthy of someone as golden as you even if just for a second. ’
He slides my hand up to his lips next, breath ragged as he presses a kiss against my palm. ‘And to be worthy of Noah too. I … I never meant to hurt him. I was overwhelmed and I should never have shouted and—Blue, I’d do anything for that kid. Hell, I’d give my life for him, no exaggeration.’
Sawyer keeps his eyes downcast, almost as if he’s anticipating my rejection. So, I move my hand to his face, caressing his cheek and letting his head fall into it. To rest there, allowing me to take some of the weight of his burden. To give him the strength he’s missing.
Like we’ve always done for each other.
‘Sawyer, I’m not mad at you for shouting at Noah. It’s not your fault he got hurt. He should never have run off onto the ranch at night, he knows that.’
‘Thank you.’ A shaky sigh comes out, while the gentlest of smiles curves his mouth, relief sweeping through his features.
His smile wobbles again. ‘You make flowers bloom even in the darkest parts of my soul, Blue. You and Noah—I’ve never experienced laughter or joy or love like I do with you two.
And if I have to wait another nine years to get another chance to finally deserve you, I’ll do it. ’
He stands taller then, broad shoulders blocking out more of the starry sky above.
‘I’m gonna start going to therapy and learn how to be the best man I can.
I’ll wait however long it takes, Blue. Because no matter what anyone says, we are meant to be.
The stars wrote it in the sky when they watched over us that night in my truck bed. ’
My nods are fast and frantic, eager to have him back. ‘I’m done waiting, Sawyer. I’m here. I’m yours, forever, if you’ll have us.’
‘Fuck, Blue—it’s not about whether I’ll have you, it’s if you’ll have—’
I cut him off by throwing my arms around his neck and crashing my lips against his.
My body lights up with fireworks, sparkling through my blood like the stars scattered through the night’s sky.
His fingers clutch at me, the flowers dropped to the floor instantly in order to drag me closer, to sift a hand through my hair so he can deepen our kiss, tongue lashing into my mouth like it’s ravenous for me.
And I meet every ounce of fervour he gives me, taking as much as I can from our kiss, sucking his bottom lip into my mouth and clutching at his solid body, relishing the moan that vibrates in his throat.
Because I thought I’d told him enough already how much he means to me, how much I love him, but I suppose Sawyer’s never truly been able to believe in words.
His mom was supposed to love him, but she left him.
His dad was supposed to care for him, but he only ever gave him pain.
I was supposed to believe in him, but I ran away.
So, I hope my kisses will show him how much I need him, love him, instead.
Heat burns in the wake of his hands roaming my body. In how even as his grasp is hungry for me, fingers digging into my flesh, every movement is calculated, proving how much he worships my body, making sure to give love and care to even the parts of me I might shy away from.
‘I love you so much, Blue. So much it hurts,’ he finally whispers to me, breaking the kiss to rest his forehead against mine. Our clouded breaths mingle between us, racing out, as his eyes behold me, a decade of want burning within.
‘I love you too, Sawyer. I always have.’ I press a chaste kiss to his mouth this time, and his fingers pulse against where they’d settled on my hips, as his smile spreads out beneath my lips.
‘And Noah—I love him too. Like he’s my own.’
Of course it’s that which has my body tensing with even more need for him. How easily he stepped up to be Noah’s friend, and a father figure, no questions asked. Like it was where he always belonged.
‘Part of me wants you to ravish me in the back of your truck and make it up to me for old time’s sake,’ I say, chuckling, while my knees almost buckle from the handsome grin he flashes me. ‘But I also can’t feel my toes right now and I’d rather not lose them to frostbite.’
He laughs at that, the heartiest sound reverberating deep from his stomach.
Full of joy. Full of promise. Without warning, he bends at his knees, wrapping his arm around the back of my legs, not before sweeping up the flowers from the floor, and he hefts me up into his arms with too much ease.
Desire winds even tighter in my core at this strong, beautiful man.
Still, I can’t help the squeal I let out as he begins walking us back up the stairs to the house. He tosses the slightly damp bouquet of roses into my lap, but I clutch them to me all the same, bringing them to my nose to savour their scent.
‘No worries, Blue. I can ravish you just as well inside.’
The strength of this man is only emphasised when he squats to reach for the door handle, quietly pushing it open and carrying me through. He kicks it shut gently behind him, then turns his darkened, worshipful eyes to me.
His dimples blare as his roguish smirk plays out. ‘You’ll just have to be a good girl and be quiet for me. You can do that, right?’
There my reckless cowboy is. I pluck the hat from his head and place it on mine, watching his nostrils flare in response, and bat my lashes innocently. ‘Anything for you.’