22. Payton
CHAPTER 22
Payton
T he cool air wraps around me whipping my hair behind me, the sound of the ocean lapping at the beach is soothing to me. The darkness has set over Seattle, yet the lights from the city illuminate the sky. This is the only place where I feel peace. Being close to the ocean has always made me feel settled. I thought moving into this house after losing the baby would be hard, but it’s my solitude right now.
I still haven’t decided if I should tell Silas or not. A part of me thinks that I shouldn’t tell him as I don’t want to hurt him. Finding out that he was going to be a dad and then have that promise dashed is going to burn deep, and I love Silas too much to do that to him. But there’s a bigger part of me that wants to tell him; I feel that he should know. Although, I’m wondering if it’s for purely selfish reasons to have someone close to me feel this pain and help me through it.
I’m a mess, I know I am. I hardly eat, I can’t bring myself to sit down and do it. I don’t sleep, my dreams are filled with images of my baby, and it kills me that this is the only way that I’ll ever get to see her. I’m trying my hardest to push through everything, but sometimes the pain brings me to my knees.
I’ve been reading so many online forums, it’s a place I can go to unleash everything inside anonymously. But there’s still some people that are heartless fuckers that tell you to get over it, that the baby wasn’t alive. That it doesn’t matter as the baby wasn’t born.
IT FUCKING MATTERS!
MY BABY WAS ALIVE INSIDE OF ME!
I want to shout it from the rooftops, let those assholes know that no matter what, my baby mattered. To me, my baby was everything.
My heart is never going to be whole. My life is never going to be the same. The dreams that haunt me are filled with what could have been.
My thoughts are scattered between trying to move on and not being able to let go. I’m angry. So damn angry. Why did it have to happen to me? Why did my baby die? I had never felt so much happiness and love as I had in those eight weeks of knowing I was pregnant. I had started to plan my life, our lives. I had so many plans, and now they’re all dashed.
I glance at my watch and sigh. Ali will be here soon. Kelvin’s wife Ali has invited me to dinner, and I couldn’t say no. She’s taking me to a restaurant, saying she wants some girl time. I’ve been back in Seattle for a few days, and she’s come to see me both days, wanting to check in on me. She’s sweet, just like her husband, both of them look as though they belong on a runway. They’re gorgeous and even better as a couple.
I step into the house and close the door behind me. The only light that’s on in my house is the lamp in the sitting room; it’s dull light just bright enough to show me the way around the room. The room is spacious, a huge sectional sofa takes up a big portion of the room. I find myself sleeping there these nights, unable to bear crawling into bed.
I reach for my jacket and purse that I threw onto the sofa before I went to stand on my back porch. There’s a knock at the door, and I pull my jacket on as I move toward the door. “Hey,” I say, opening the door and see her standing there in a beautiful black dress and heels to die for.
Her smile instantly puts me at ease. “Hey, you ready to go? Our reservation is for eight.”
“Yeah, I’m ready.” I walk out of my house and she instantly links her arm through mine. “How are you?” I ask, I actually really like Ali. I tend to find women overbearing, especially due to constantly working with them, but Ali has a way of putting me at ease. She’s fun to be around.
“Good, glad to be out. Kelvin’s watching the kids tonight.” The smile on her face is full of love.
The mention of kids has my heart sinking and tears filling my eyes. God, why can’t I be normal? Why do I hurt when someone talks about children or I see a baby? Is it always going to be this way?
“Hey what’s wrong?” she asks, her eyes full of worry.
I shake my head, “Nothing, it’s okay.”
She grips my arm and pulls me to a stop. “Payton, what’s wrong? Tell me, maybe I can help?” The desperation in her voice gets to me.
“I don’t know how to say it. I feel as though I’m drowning in this pain, and I can’t find a way to break through the surface.”
“Talk to me,” she pleads, her hands tugging on mine.
I swallow hard trying my best to figure out how to say the words. They hurt so much, only Bianca knows what happened, and that was because she was there. I’m pretty sure that she’s told Jerald because I’ve been MIA for the past two weeks. Holed up in my apartment unless I absolutely have to be somewhere.
“Two weeks ago, the doctor found out that my baby no longer had a heartbeat.” My voice is barely a whisper, but I know she heard me, her hands tighten around mine, and I look up at her.
Tears fill her eyes as her mouth opens into an O shape. “Oh, Payton,” she whispers, “I’m so very sorry for your loss. How far along were you?”
“Twelve weeks.” My voice is hoarse. Fuck, saying the words are just so hard.
Her arms go around me, and I somehow manage to keep my composure. The tears fall softly and silently, whereas inside all I want to do is sob. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Did you go through this alone?”
I shake my head, “I had Bianca with me.”
She frowns, “If you don’t mind me asking, where’s the baby’s dad?”
I sigh, “That is a long story.”
She shrugs. “We have time.” She links her arm through mine once again and we start to walk toward the restaurant. One of the many reasons that I loved this house was that it wasn’t too far to walk to the stores and restaurants but far enough away from the hustle and bustle of the city.
I tell her everything about Silas’ and my relationship. By the time we’ve reached the restaurant I’ve poured my heart and soul out to her. I shouldn’t have burdened her with my sorrows, but it feels good to have everything off my chest.
“I don’t want to hurt him, telling him about the baby is going to kill him.” I know it will, and I don’t want to do that to him.
We’re seated at a table and Ali’s eyes are still brimmed with tears. “You should tell him, he needs to know.”
I sigh, “I know, I just don’t want anyone to feel this pain.”
“I’m so sorry that you’re going through this,” she whispers as she swipes away a stray tear.
“Thank you.” I take a deep breath and shake my head. “No more tears, no more sadness,” I tell her, I need to try to have a normal night.
She smiles, “You’re right. Tonight, we let loose. After dinner, I’m taking you to my favorite bar.”
I shake my head, “You’re going to get me drunk.”
She laughs, “Yep, you need to let your hair down and have an empty mind for just one night.”
After dinner she drags me to her favorite bar, Celtic Swell. We find an empty booth at the back of the bar, “Hi, we’d like two margaritas, on the rocks, no salt, extra limes, please?” she asks the server with a smile.
Tonight, has been just what I needed. Just as Ali said, I’ve been able to let my mind be clear. The server returns with our margaritas, and Ali wastes no time in drinking hers. I tentatively sip mine, trying to see if I like it or not. The taste bursts into my mouth, and I drink more of it. God, no wonder Ali’s drinking it as though it’s going out of fashion. These are delicious.
“The next time we should go out with the girls. They’re going to love you.”
I smile, “I’d love that. Bianca is my girl, but she lives in New York.”
Ali nods, “While you’re here, for however long you’re here, you’ve got me.”
Damn. She’s the fucking best. “Don’t make me cry,” I warn her. I’ve been an emotional wreck these past few weeks, I cry at the drop of a hat.
She grins. “Are you going to talk to Silas?”
I nod. “Yes, I sent him a message while we were having dinner. I told him that I’d call him tomorrow. I’ll get him to come over, and we can talk.” My palms are sweaty just thinking about it.
She gives me a knowing look. “It’ll be okay. If it’s not, then call me, and we’ll do this again.”
God, what did I do to deserve having a friend like her? I’ve only known her for a few days, and she’s already closer to me than a lot of people are.
“I may need it even if it does go well,” I comment as I finish my margarita, I signal the server to bring us some more.
She throws her head back and laughs, “I doubt that, if Silas is anything like the rest of the guys, he’ll not be letting you up for air.”
My cheeks heat at her words, and I bite my lip. “It’s been a long time.”
She frowns. “The baby?”
I grin. “We hadn’t seen each other in over three years, we met at the club, and well we didn’t make it to the hotel.”
She gasps, “What?” She glances around the bar making sure that we’re not being overheard. “Details, I want details.”
“He dragged me into the alleyway.”
Her eyes widen. “He did not!”
I laugh, this is definitely what I needed. “It was amazing.”
“I’d say it was. Damn, he comes across so sweet.” She grins wider, “It’s always the quiet ones.”
I give her a pointed look. “Like your husband, you mean.”
Oh my God. I didn’t think Ali could blush.
“I’ll be checking in with you tomorrow,” she tells me, and I nod, I love that she wants to do that. She signals the server for another round. These margaritas are going down too easily, I’ll be feeling this tomorrow. I can’t believe we’ve already finished two of them. “Let’s have one more drink. When the girls find out that I came out without them, they’re going to be pissed.”
“Promise them that I’ll be here the next time.”
She nods, “That’ll help.” She finishes her drink before the server returns. “You’re going to be okay, Payton. I know that it probably doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’ll get through this.”
“I hope so,” I reply softly.
Tonight has helped, tomorrow will be the hardest thing I’ve had to do.