38. Will
WILL
“He’s lovely,” my mom says after we finish eating.
“He’s the best, it’s why we clicked so fast,” I tell her honestly.
After my parents insisted on paying for dinner, Josie asked Porter if he would help her take a picture in front of the sunset while we waited for the check.
She assured us they’ll wait for us outside.
I know Josie just wanted to talk to Porter, but it’s nice to have a moment to talk to my parents about him too.
“Well, then, why aren’t you dating?” my dad questions.
I let out a nervous laugh. “You guys know I’ve never dated anyone before. I don’t know the first thing about it.”
“Do you enjoy spending time with him when the two of you are alone?” Mom asks.
“Of course.”
“Do you feel happier when he’s around?” Dad adds.
“Do you show up for him when he needs you? Take him out? Do thoughtful things for him, like, say, buying him flowers?” Mom piles on, knowing the answer because I sent her a picture before I showed up at his door with them.
My dad smirks. “Based on how often you’ve brought him up in conversation with us recently, is it safe to say you think about him a lot? You obviously care about him.”
“Well… yes to all of that, I guess,” I confirm, mind racing as the word dating repeats over and over in my mind.
“Well, Pumpkin, it sounds to me like you’re treating him like your boyfriend already without the title.”
What the fuck? That can’t be true.
I would know if I was acting like Porter was my boyfriend.
Right?
Fuck. Have I been doing that?
My teammates with girlfriends make it seem like so much work.
I’ve always avoided even the idea of a relationship because I thought it would mean being tied down and held back.
But being with Porter has never been hard.
The most difficult part has been trying to spend as much time with him as I’d like, but whenever we’re together it’s easy.
He always makes my day better. It might be cheesy, but just being friends with him has made me think about life in ways that I never had before.
You obviously care about him. I consider my dad’s statement.
He’s right, I do care about Porter. I care about all my friends.
But… it’s not the same. Porter has quickly become the most important person in my life; the one I want to spend all of my free time with; the first person I want to talk to every day; the one I want to text when something good happens.
All that was true before we ever hooked up.
Fuck, have I liked him as more than a friend this whole time?
Even that word doesn’t feel like a strong enough descriptor for how I feel about him…
So dating? Boyfriends? Would he even want to date me?
And would dating change things between us?
I’ve never been in a relationship, what if I messed something up and disappointed him?
Or what if it’s amazing? What if I could stop worrying about when the next time I’d see him would be? What if we just assumed we’d do things together? What if we lived together?
Okay, obviously, I need to slow down, but shit, that does sound really nice.
I haven’t wanted to be with anyone else physically in months, well before we hooked up.
I’ve never even thought about what it would be like to live with someone I was sleeping with, but now that I’ve had the idea, I keep picturing how great it would be with Porter.
The image of him wearing my jersey comes to mind again, and those feelings of possession and the desire to claim him are as strong as ever.
I want him to be mine. In more than just the bedroom.
I want him to wear my name and number to my games and to make sure everyone knows we’re together.
Could we actually do that?
Would he want to?
He’s always so into it when we flirt, which I have to believe is a good sign. He’s never mentioned wanting more, but neither have I. “Huh,” I mutter. “Give me a minute, I’ll be back.”
My parents nod at me with encouraging smiles.
I need to find Porter so I can talk to him.
I walk out the front door of the restaurant, heart in my throat, to see him standing shoulder to shoulder with Josie, looking out at the water as they talk.
I can make out their conversation as I get closer, and I freeze before they realize I’m here.
“This isn’t the same thing that happened with Robbie, P,” Josie says pointedly. Who the hell is Robbie? “He clearly was just showing you off to his parents. They obviously know something is going on between you two.”
“Will’s just friendly,” Porter snaps back. “It’s not like he actually wants to date me.”
“You don’t know that!” she protests.
“I do. He’s been very clear that he doesn’t do relationships.
He explicitly said that he wanted to keep hooking up.
That’s all. Besides, I’ve never even been to his place, or met any of his friends.
He just wants sex. When the semester ends, and I’m no longer the convenient option, he’ll move on from his queer experiment with me, and this will all be behind us. ”
His words hit like a right hook to the gut.
It hurts hearing him be so dismissive of what we have, and I absolutely loathe the idea that he actually believes that’s all he is to me.
He isn’t an experiment at all, he’s… Fuck, the idea of “moving on” from him physically pains me.
I don’t think it would even be possible with how much I care about him, with how often I think about him.
I take a step back as I suck in a breath. Is that love? Do I love Porter? How could I not have realized that until now?
And how could I have fucked everything up so much that he thinks I’m only using him as an experiment?
I would love for him to meet my friends, but I haven’t wanted to share my time with him with anyone else, so I’ve clung to the excuse of his comfortable bed. Fuck, this is a mess.
“Ugh, I wish you’d just talk to him already.
” Josie sighs, and I’d love the same. “You haven’t met his friends because you keep avoiding things that would feel too much like a relationship.
I know you’re just trying to protect yourself, but maybe he does want more and you’re shutting him down before he even gets the chance to ask you. ”
Yes, that! I want to shout, but fuck, my mind is reeling thinking about everything that’s happened between us that I thought was so amazing, but apparently Porter has seen through a very different lens.
I’ve clearly taken his friendship for granted.
I’ve been so focused on when the next time I’d see Porter was that I wasn’t thinking about our future at all.
What comes next is something I’ve always struggled with in general—we even talked about it in relation to careers—but the future has always been something I try not to spend too much time stressing about because there’s just too many unknowns.
Now that I’m actually considering it though, I know I want to be wherever Porter is.
I don’t know why I assumed we’d be in the same place this summer.
I hadn’t told my parents yet, but I figured I would stay on campus this year. I thought he would be here too.
Should I say something? Would he even want me to? Is it too late?
“It’s just who he is,” Porter insists before I can come up with anything to interject.
“He’s friendly, and clearly, so are his parents.
I’m just a friend he’s enjoying sex with for now, and I can’t let myself think I mean anything more than that to him.
You know what happened when I pushed Robbie to date me.
It’s one thing to have fun in private, but I can’t fool myself into thinking that Will is suddenly going to decide he wants a relationship.
We’ve been fooling around for weeks, and he hasn’t come out to anyone. He probably never will.”
“You don’t know that,” Josie argues softly. “His parents seem so open and accepting.”
“I do.” His tone is harsh, but I know it’s covering up his own pain. “I’ve been down this path before, Josie. I know you’re my friend and you want me to be happy, but I’m not you, okay? No one is ever going to care about me enough to come out and claim me.”
My heart is breaking from this conversation.
Apparently, I’ve been clueless about a lot.
I feel like such an idiot. It sounds like Porter does want to date me, which is amazing, but it also sounds like he doesn’t think I would want to be with him, which is ridiculous.
I can’t believe I’ve made him feel like he isn’t good enough when he’s the very best person I know.
I was selfish, so eager to enjoy him all to myself when I did have his attention, I never considered how he might misinterpret that.
I want to step in, to try and fix all of the mistakes I’ve unknowingly made, but I’m worried that doing that now would seem like I’m only saying what I think he wants to hear.
I also have no idea who Robbie is or what happened between them, but obviously Porter has been dealing with a lot I don’t know about.
Instead of approaching them, I silently step back to collect my thoughts. Porter’s upset, he isn’t listening to Josie, so why would he listen to me? He’s already decided how he thinks things will end between us, and I’ve never given him a reason to believe otherwise.
Even if I told him how I really feel, that I want to date him, that I really care about him, that I think I’m actually in love with him, I just don’t think it would be enough right now.
The fact that I did come out to my friends and parents, that I would love for him to spend time with my roommates, would all just be words at this point.
I need to find some way to show him how incredible he is.
To prove to him how much he means to me.
I don’t think simply telling him would be enough when he’s so convinced otherwise.
He deserves to know I think about him constantly, and for so much more than just sex.
I wished he could’ve come to my game. I was sad when I found out he couldn’t meet my parents.
It feels like there’s a little hole in my heart that gets wider every time he tells me he can’t spend time with me.
But now I’m realizing it’s because he didn’t want to do “boyfriend” things without the title in fear he’ll never mean that much to me.
No one is ever going to care about me enough to come out and claim me.
Fuck. It hits me now as I think about how every “I’m busy” and every “yeah, maybe” was him trying to protect himself from me disappointing him.
I leaned into the dares because it was fun and flirty and safe under the show-me–teach-me ruse that started it all.
I didn’t realize when I showed up at his house with flowers and said I wanted to keep hooking up, that he’d taken that as all I want to do is have sex.
I had no idea I’ve been feeding into his concern that he was just an experiment.
Fuck, how could I not have seen how much he’s been hurting? That he’s not letting himself get closer to me out of fear that I’ll hurt him even more.
I never thought about how important it would be to tell him that I came out to my parents because I didn’t have that fear of it being “wrong” ingrained in me, but to him, it’s a huge deal. It’s picking him. Choosing him out loud. Not hiding him away. Making him feel like a dirty little secret.
“Did you talk to him yet?” Mom asks, coming to stand beside me.
“No, I think I need to do more than talk to him though. I think I really need to prove that I’m serious about him.”
I’m not sure exactly what I’ll do yet, but I know I need to do something big. Something that shows him I’m not afraid of a future with him. Of repeating him forever.
And until then, I think sex is off the table.