40. Will
WILL
“Ipromise we can do a more elaborate first date, but I figured that this was better than having a waiter interrupt us while we were talking,” I explain as I slide into the booth across from Porter and hand him his sandwich.
He shrugs. “This is great. I hope you know I don’t need anything fancy or expensive.”
“So it’s probably good I didn’t get you a car as a part of the fake proposal then?” I check. “I’d considered using keys in place of a ring, but I was a little worried you’d think a car was too much and refuse it.”
He stares at me for a second, then raises a brow. “A fucking car? Yes, that would have been too much! I might enjoy calling you Daddy during sex but this is not a sugar baby situation. Why in the world would you even consider getting me a car?”
“Well, I still feel really bad about breaking your bike freshman year, but you’ve already gotten a new one by now. So I thought maybe I could upgrade your ride.”
He gives me his best what the fuck expression before responding. “Well, I’m glad you followed your instincts there. I would have refused it, yes.”
“Already nailing this whole boyfriend thing,” I tease with a huge smile, excited to officially use the title.
Porter laughs, but then his expression shifts, and he looks away from me as if he were nervous. “So you said there’s more we should talk about?”
I reach across the table for his hand and squeeze it, waiting for him to look at me again before I answer.
“Yeah. I want to start off by admitting that I overheard you talking to Josie after dinner with my parents the other day.” He pales, but I hurry to continue before he can respond.
“My parents asked why we weren’t dating.
I’d actually come out to them weeks ago.
I know now I should have told you that, and I realized I couldn’t answer because I did want to be with you.
My old go-to response of not wanting to be tied down in a relationship felt like a lie the second I even considered it.
I went out to talk to you about it, and I overheard you two. ”
“What exactly did you hear?” he asks slowly.
I know this might not be the most fun conversation, but I want us to start off this relationship with honesty.
“You mentioned someone named Robbie. That you thought I was using you as an experiment, and only wanted you for sex. That I’d royally fucked up being selfish and wanting all of your attention when we hung out because you thought that meant I didn’t want you to meet my friends, that I was hiding you.
That you wanted more with me, and because I was too dumb to see that, you felt like you needed to pull away and maintain distance between us. ”
“Oh good, so just literally all of it,” he deadpans.
I squeeze his hand again. “Porter, I am so sorry. Clearly Josie was right, and we need to talk way more. I had also already come out to my friends. As soon as we got back from the lake house I told them about you, that I was into you and wanted to keep hooking up. I also had so much fun with the dares and the whole ‘teach me’ thing, and I was worried that you would reject the idea of hooking up again, so I leaned into those excuses more than I should have.”
One corner of his mouth pulls up. “It was really hot though.”
“So hot,” I quickly agree.
Porter bites his lip. “Maybe we can still do that? Dare each other and be playful, but with more honesty about how we’re feeling?”
I breathe a sigh of relief. “That sounds perfect.”
“I can’t believe you came out to so many people and never told me though! Fuck, coming out felt like such a big deal to me.”
“Really? I don’t think we’ve ever talked about that.”
“Did you assume because I live in crop tops and sometimes paint my nails or wear eyeliner that I’ve always been as confident as I am now?” he teases.
I scrunch my nose up and smile apologetically. “Maybe…”
He laughs. “Not at all. I was actually in the closet for most of high school. I guess I wasn’t doing a great job of it though because this popular guy at my school clocked me.
He started giving me all this attention.
You know how busy I was growing up with my brother and work, I didn’t have a lot of friends, and I immediately fell for him because for once I had someone’s attention on me. ”
“Robbie?” I guess.
“Yup. I was convinced that us being a secret was romantic, that we had a real future together,” he explains.
“I’d applied to schools before we started hanging out, but we’d both gotten accepted to the same one in Indiana.
It would have been more expensive than staying in-state, but I wanted to be with him.
When I brought up going to the same school, maybe trying to be roommates and date, he freaked out.
He said that he wasn’t gay, he just wanted someone to suck his dick, and I was an easy, desperate option.
That we weren’t anything and never would be. ”
I see red as he tells me about this Robbie fuck. My chest heaves, but I bite my lip to stop any hateful words from coming out because I want him to continue.
“He said if I ever told anyone about what we’d done, he’d tell them I was lying and that I tried to force him to be gay with me.
I was so convinced that the sweet words he’d said in private meant something, That I’d meant something.
I naively thought he’d come out and we’d be together, but obviously, the joke was on me.
We might not have been dating, but I was heartbroken and it was so much worse because I’d been blindsided by it.
That’s why I’ve tried to keep our post-lake house relationship flirty and physical.
I didn’t want to give myself any reason to fantasize about more. ”
“Holy shit, Porter, that’s horrible. I’m so fucking sorry that happened to you. It sounds like he completely manipulated you.” No wonder he assumed the worst with me. He’s already gone through it before.
“Yeah. I obviously decided to come to school here instead—”
“I’m so glad you did,” I interrupt, causing him to smile.
“After I took some time to get over the hurt, I realized that I never wanted to be in that situation again. I didn’t want to hide who I was, and if anyone wanted to be with me, I wanted it to be out loud,” he adds.
“When you told me you were straight the first night we really met at Bo’s, I tried to lock on to it.
I wasn’t trying to shove your sexuality down your throat by reminding you that you told me you were straight, but after everything that happened with Robbie, I promised myself that I’d never go through that again.
If someone told me who they were, I needed to believe them.
And despite all my very best efforts, it was impossible to keep my promise to myself around you. ”
“I’m so sorry, P. I had no idea you were carrying all of that.” My mom’s words from the phone call come echoing back to me. Damn, she’s good. “I hate that I made things harder for you this semester. I promise you I’m going to be the best boyfriend you’ve ever had.”
“Well, I hope so because you’ll be the only boyfriend I’ve ever had,” he teases.
“P, promise me that if I do anything, and I mean anything, that resurfaces old hurt that you’ll tell me?”
“Yeah, I think we both need to work on the honesty thing,” he responds with a smile before raising a brow. “One more dare?”
“What are you thinking?”
“I dare you to be totally honest with me from now on, and I’ll do the same. No more guessing or assuming how the other person is feeling. We’re obviously shit at it.”
My whole face breaks out into a grin as I agree. “Total honesty.” I stand up so I can lean over the table and cup his jaw to guide my mouth to his for a sweet kiss.
When we part he lets out a soft laugh. “I still kind of can’t believe you’re casually kissing me in public when I woke up this morning so convinced I’d never talk to you again.
The last few days without seeing you and your casual politeness sucked.
I thought you were done with me after that dinner with your parents. ”
I shudder. “Fuck, no. I was planning how I was going to prove to you that I was serious about you. I’d wanted to approach you right then and there, but I was worried you’d think I was just saying what you wanted to hear.
I’m really glad my plan worked, boyfriend, but I’m sorry it caused you stress in the meantime.
I didn’t want to keep having sex without showing you how serious I was about you after finding out how used you felt. ”
“Well, thank you. I have no doubt in my mind about everything now.” He smiles as he says it, and my heart feels so damn full at the word.
I think about everything I’ve learned about him today, but I still have questions. I want to know every possible thing there is to know about him. “So tell me more, when did you change how you dressed?”
“Right at the end of senior year. I got really into this beauty influencer’s channel on YouTube.
I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Sparkles’ Tutorials, but he’s pretty popular.
He does mostly masc makeup looks and sometimes he would talk about his own experiences with getting bullied growing up, and how even though he had to go through a lot, he was much happier living authentically. ”
“He sounds cool.”
“He seems like it. It really inspired me, and I wore some of his brand’s eyeliner to graduation. My brother asked if I was gay, and I said yes. Caught my mom a little off guard, but she hugged me and told me she was proud of me. We never really talked about it again.”
“I’m glad your family weren’t dicks about it, but I’m really sorry that you had such a shitty experience with Robbie. I’m not him. I never want to hurt you, and I’m really fucking excited to show you off as my boyfriend.”
Porter smiles tentatively. “God, hearing you say that is actually wild.”
“Well, get used to it,” I assure him. I try not to get my hopes up too high as I continue.
“I have my last home game of the season tomorrow, any chance you can come? I can give you something with my name on it to wear, and I can introduce you to everyone. My roommate Nathan is a little quiet and standoffish, but my other roommate Cam has actually been begging to meet you. He also said something about wanting a gay friend so I apologize in advance if he’s offensive.
I’m almost positive he means well.” Porter’s nods, amusement shining in his eyes, and him agreeing to come settles a worry I didn’t even realize I still had.
“Well, I guess I need to learn about lacrosse now if my boyfriend is one of the best players.” It’s the first time I’ve heard him say the label, and it makes my heart swell.
Porter is officially my boyfriend.
I’ve never been happier.