Chapter Twenty-Three Eliott
‘And when will you be back?’
I resist the urge to roll my eyes as I continue tugging Nan’s laundry off the line. We’ve had this conversation about ten times over the last couple of weeks, but Nan’s acting like it’s the first time she’s heard any of this.
‘Like I said,’ I grit out, trying and failing to keep the frustration out of my tone. ‘I’ll be back on Sunday evening. But I can pass by on my way home if you want?’
She’s perched on the top step of her newly refurbished patio, watching as I methodically move down the washing line and fold up her sheets. ‘Don’t go out of your way,’ Nan says. ‘But if you have the time…’
She trails off and I shoot her a grin over my shoulder. ‘You know, you can just admit that you’re going to miss me. The world won’t end or anything.’
Nan purses her lips, but there’s an unmistakable twinkle in her eye. ‘It’s four days. I think I can manage that much alone.’
It’s not that I think she can’t manage by herself.
It’s just that I can’t help but worry about her.
All it takes is one accident, one slip, one nasty fall…
And who’ll be here to help her? I already know that I can’t rely on Mum, Leanne or Josh to check in on her with any kind of regularity, so I’ve asked Nan’s neighbours if they wouldn’t mind keeping a subtle eye on her while I’m away.
‘You can’t control everything.’
Nan is looking at me with a surprisingly soft expression on her face.
‘Huh?’
The expression drops in favour of a scowl. ‘Don’t huh me,’ she sniffs. ‘I said you can’t control everything.’
I rest the washing basket against my hip and make my way back across the lawn. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
Nan shrugs. ‘I know you like to be the one in control. The one in charge.’
I let out a strangled sounding noise that’s halfway between a shriek and a laugh. ‘You think I like this?’
For real?
She thinks I like having to always be the one to piece everyone back together?
That I like having to spend most of my brainpower worrying about everyone but myself?
That constantly feeling like I’m the worst person in the world, like I’m nothing but a selfish witch whenever I try to take any time for myself, is something I genuinely enjoy ?
Another shriek-slash-laugh tumbles out of my lips. ‘ Nan . You can’t be serious.’
Her scowl deepens, and she opens her mouth to respond, but whatever she says is drowned out by the sound of a door slamming, followed by a high pitched:
‘ Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan ?!’
Three seconds later, and Leanne comes striding into the kitchen. ‘Nan, are you— Oh ?’
She stares at me dumbfounded for a beat or two, like my presence at Nan’s house is a surprise to her for some reason. ‘Hey Elz, what’re you doing here?’
I’m always here. The petty response is on the tip of my tongue, but I catch myself before I can spit it out. Leanne hasn’t done anything to deserve my ire.
Not yet anyway.
‘Just helping Nan out with a few things before I leave.’
‘You’re leaving?’ Leanne asks. She gives Nan a quick hug and steps aside and lets me tug the laundry basket into the kitchen. ‘Where’re you going?’
‘A wedding,’ I say. Pretty sure I’ve told her this before. ‘In Italy. Remember?’
‘Oh. Yeah. That’s cool.’
She sounds like she’s already bored of me, her attention a million miles away. I glance over my shoulder and see that she’s pulled her phone from her purse and is quickly tapping away.
‘What about you?’ I ask.
‘Hm?’ She looks up for a brief second before turning her attention back to her phone. ‘What was that?’
‘What’re you doing here?’ I can practically feel my patience ebbing away. ‘Nan didn’t mention you were passing by.’
‘Oh.’ She looks up again and I wonder if I’m imagining the slightly guilty look on her face.
‘Right. I was in the area and just wanted to say hi. Am I not allowed to say hi to my grandmother?’ She flips her hair and rolls her eyes.
‘God, Elz. Sometimes you act like you’re the only one who’s allowed a relationship with Nan. ’
Seriously? What is in the air today?
Nan saves Leanne from a sharp response by shuffling into the kitchen. ‘Let me grab my purse, darling. I’ll just be a minute.’
Realisation dawns on me.
Leanne dropping in unexpectedly. The guilty look on her face when I asked why she was even here in the first place.
I wait for Nan to leave the kitchen and then let the laundry basket drop to the floor with a loud bang. ‘Tell me you’re not borrowing money from Nan.’
She rolls her eyes. ‘I’m not borrowing anything from her.’
I let out a tiny sigh of relief. ‘Good, because—’
‘It’s a gift,’ she continues smugly. ‘A “congratulations for finishing your second year of uni” gift.’
‘You barely even passed.’
Another roll of her eyes. ‘That’s not the point. It’s a milestone for me and Nan wants to celebrate.’
‘By giving you money?’
Leanne shrugs. ‘I guess.’
‘You’re unbelievable.’ Every ounce of patience I usually have for my sister is gone. ‘This is the first time you’ve seen Nan in how long, and you’re just here for some money?’
Leanne lets out a snort and leans against the countertop. ‘Okay, here we go. Do your thing.’
‘My thing ?’
‘The whole “I’m Eliott and I’m better than everyone else” speech.’ Her lips twist into a sneer that feels uncharacteristic. ‘You’re not my mother, Eliott. You know that, right?’
‘I’m not trying to be!’ I snap out. ‘For fuck’s sake, Leanne, do you think I like this?
Do you think I like being the one who deals with everyone’s shit?
The one who has to constantly bail you out because you either can’t or won’t get your own shit together?
The one who always has to be perfect, because if I’m not, then the rest of you will fall apart? Seriously? You think I like it?’
‘You’re acting like we aren’t there for you too!’
‘When?’ I hiss out, tears blurring my vision just a bit. ‘When have you ever been there for me, Leanne? When has anyone?’
We stand there in a charged silence for at least twenty seconds. I can practically see the gears working overtime in her mind, trying to comb through her memories to find something, anything, she can use against me.
It’s obvious that she’s come up blank because she suddenly shakes her head and scoffs, ‘God, you can be such a fucking martyr sometimes.’
‘And you can be such an ungrateful little—’
Nan clears her throat suddenly, stopping me from saying something I know I’ll eventually regret. She’s standing in the doorway holding her purse, a pained expression on her face.
‘Darling,’ she clears her throat and then hands a wad of notes to Leanne. ‘This is for you. Don’t spend it all on sweets.’
‘Nan!’ Leanne squeals. She crosses the small gap between them and pulls Nan into a tight hug. ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you.’
‘Are you staying for dinner?’ Nan asks.
Leanne glances at me for a brief second before she shakes her head. ‘Not today, but maybe we can do something soon? I’ll check my diary and get back to you.’
Nan gives her a stiff smile. ‘All right, darling.’
‘I’ve got to meet a friend now, but I’ll message you soon.’ Leanne gives Nan a brief peck on the cheek and then shoots me a withering glance over her shoulder. ‘See you around, Eliott.’
I grit my teeth together so tightly, I’m surprised I don’t crack anything.
Nan waits until Leanne’s closed the front door behind her. ‘You don’t really feel like that, do you?’
I run a tired hand through my hair and sigh. ‘We were just having a stupid fight. Sister stuff. It’s nothing serious. You don’t have to worry about it.’
Nan strides across the kitchen and grasps my hands in hers. Her eyes are watery and the realisation makes my heart stop for a second. ‘What you said,’ she croaks out. ‘About nobody being there for you… Is that how you really feel?’
‘Nan—’ My voice breaks. Suddenly I feel like I’m nine years old. ‘I don’t—’
‘Tell me the truth.’
I don’t want to. I’ve kept this truth to myself for the entirety of my life and Nan, of all people, doesn’t need to hear it.
‘Please,’ Nan says as one lone tear starts to trail down her cheek. ‘Just tell me.’
Something inside me breaks.
‘I’m just so tired,’ I whisper. ‘I’m so tired of doing everything for everyone . I’m tired of nobody else even thinking about me, and if I need help. Everyone just assumes I’ll be there to save the day. It doesn’t matter what I’ve got going on or what my plans are, you all lean on me so much .’
Tears streak down my cheeks and my words are broken up by hysterical little hiccups, but I can’t stop now. It’s like the floodgates have been opened.
‘And I end up hating myself because what kind of terrible person must I be to resent having to help my family?’
Nan’s hands come up to cup my face. ‘You are not a terrible person, Eliott. My little love.’
‘Nan—’ I manage to get out a loud sob when I hear the nickname she used to call me as a child.
‘You’re the most marvellous, most wonderful young woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. And I ask you for too much. I know I do.’
I try to shake my head, but she holds me firmly in place.
‘I should’ve known that it’s been taking its toll on you. Having to do all this for me. Having to keep an eye on Leanne and manage your mother and your brother all the time. It’s too much for anyone.’
‘But I want to help you, Nan,’ I sniff out. ‘Because if you can’t rely on me—’
‘Who can I rely on?’ Nan finishes off wryly.
She knows just as well as me how unreliable the others are.
‘I don’t know, my little love. But that’s not your burden to shoulder alone.
It never should’ve been. But you were always so smart.
So quick. So resilient.’ She gives me a watery smile.
‘Even as a child, I knew I never had to worry about you.’
‘I jumped on that,’ I say. ‘I liked that I never caused anyone any trouble. That all the grown-ups could rely on me.’
‘Maybe we’ve relied on you too much,’ Nan says softly, her thumbs rubbing my tear-streaked cheeks. ‘We’ve been leaning on you for so long, we’ve forgotten how to stand ourselves.’
‘If I’m not there for you all, I get scared that you won’t need me anymore.’
The calls, the messages, they’ll all stop coming once they realise I’m not useful to them any longer.
‘I will always need you, my little love,’ Nan says. ‘But not like this. You look like you’re one step away from a nervous breakdown.’
Despite everything, I can’t help but laugh. ‘It feels that way sometimes.’
‘I want you to stop thinking about everyone else, just for a minute and answer me this: what good are you to yourself if this is how you’re feeling all the time? When do you get the chance to enjoy your life when every second of the day you’re worrying about me or Leanne or someone else?’
I let out another dry laugh. ‘You sound like Dane.’
Nan gives me a knowing smirk. ‘Good. He’s a smart boy. I like him.’
I like him too.
‘Promise me, my little love,’ Nan says, her voice suddenly serious.
‘Find your balance, because this is no way to live your life. I’m not going anywhere.
Leanne too, once she matures a bit. We don’t love you for the things you do for us, Eliott.
We love you for you . And I’m sorry I haven’t shown you that recently.
’ She squeezes my cheeks tightly and gives me a wide smile.
‘So promise me you’ll start to put yourself first.’
My smile mirrors hers. ‘I promise.’