22. Chapter 22 #2
Ceth swallowed and looked away. Jonas couldn’t have jostled her awake better if he’d thrown a glass of ice water in her face.
He was right. Krystal was a deeply caring, sensitive soul, and it would hurt her for Ceth to run off like this.
Ceth was being selfish and immature. She needed to stick around and bring a proper end to this thing with Krystal once and for all.
Ceth owed that to her, especially after Krystal had given her quite possibly the best few days of her entire solitary life.
Ceth’s breath caught in her throat. Was she strong enough to say goodbye for good this time?
“Thanks for talking with me, Jonas,” she mumbled. “I think I need to take a walk.”
Before he could respond, she snatched up her bag and shuffled across the lobby to the exit.
The late morning sun was bearing down on the resort grounds from a cloudless sky as Ceth emerged from the Sycamore Lodge and jogged down the steps.
But she barely noticed the heat. Her feet carried her toward the walking path behind the lodge, yet as soon as she was there, her steps slowed under the weight of her thoughts. Jonas’s words replayed in her mind.
Do you want her to think you haven’t changed? Do you like thinking you haven’t changed?
Ceth had hoped somewhere along the way over these past few days, Krystal had seen Ceth was someone she could trust. That she was a better, kinder, safer person than she had been eight years ago. But was that even true?
Ceth didn’t have much to show for her life where relationships were concerned. Just a string of occasional flings and more than her share of regrets. Yes, she was moving toward more stability and purpose, career-wise, but that wasn’t saying much. And as for her family—
Her musings were interrupted by her phone buzzing in her pocket. She pulled it out and glanced at the screen.
Roan.
Oh shit. It was Sunday, wasn’t it? His usual day to call and she’d completely forgotten. God, could she be more self-absorbed?
Quickly, she hit the Accept button. “Hey, buddy!”
“Ceth! Guess what?” He jumped right in, as he usually did. “Mr. Jansen gave me a raise Friday!”
The first genuine smile she’d felt all day spread across Ceth’s face.
Roan’s boss at the hobby store, Mr. Jansen, was a kind man.
He’d taken Roan under his wing from Day One and given him all sorts of tasks around the store, from cleanup and minor maintenance to assembling model cars and planes for display.
“Whoa! That’s awesome! He must really think you’re doing great work.”
“Yeah! He wrote it all down. Hold on. Let me get it.” There was a thump as if Roan had dropped his phone on his bed or desk and then a rustling sound right before he came back on. He slowed down as he read. “Roan is always on time, neat, polite, and a very hard worker.”
Ceth bit her lip, surprised by the sudden watery sensation behind her eyes. “I’m super proud of you, buddy.”
“Thanks!” he chirped. “I’m going to get the new Resident Evil game. Well, I guess Mom said I have to put more money in savings now if I’m making more, but I’m getting the game too.”
“Sounds like a solid plan to me.”
He huffed out a breath as if the excitement of telling her everything had left him winded. After a moment, he spoke again in a quieter tone. “Thanks for talking to me today, Ceth. I hope it was okay.”
Ceth frowned. “Okay? We always talk on Sunday.”
“Yeah, but Mom said you were at a work thing and might be too busy this time.”
That remark from their mom annoyed Ceth more than it should. Okay, yes, Ceth had gotten caught up in her own drama and temporarily forgotten it was Roan’s day to call, but it didn’t matter. She’d made the time. She hated the thought of Roan feeling like an inconvenience.
Shoving down her irritation, Ceth stood tall and affected an exaggerated stern old lady voice. “Why Patrick Roan O’Malley, what a notion! You know perfectly well I always—”
“Have time for me. Yeah, yeah. I know,” he interrupted with a loud laugh.
Ceth smiled into the phone. Sometimes, even now, it was jarring to hear her brother’s deep voice on the phone, a constant reminder that he was twenty-four. But when he laughed, she could still hear traces of the young boy he used to be.
“You say that all the time,” Roan continued. “You repeat yourself a lot, you know?”
“Do I? Hmm. Must be old age.”
He snorted. “You do, though! Like when you’re always saying, ‘a good night’s sleep can fix anything’ or ‘love means you can do hard things.’”
Ceth’s eyes widened. She couldn’t remember saying that last one for many years… probably since before the accident.
Roan used to get so nervous when he first started doing the quiz competitions and spelling bees their parents would sign him up for.
Ceth had always felt there was something unfair about making a young boy who was already anxiety-prone compete with other kids in front of an audience and even cameras, but it wasn’t her choice to make.
What she could do was listen when Roan would confide in her about his worries the night before a big competition.
All she knew to do at the time was remind him how much he loved whatever topics he was competing on and how proud he was making their parents and tell him to do his best because Love means you can do hard things.
“Roan, I—”
“Sorry, Ceth. I gotta go,” he cut in. “Mom’s getting ready to take me to the store to get the game.”
“Oh, okay,” Ceth answered quietly. “Tell her I said hi.”
“I will. Love you!”
“Love you too, buddy.”
The call ended, but Ceth still clutched her phone tightly for a moment. Then, gradually, her grip relaxed as tension seemed to ease all over her body.
She couldn’t believe Roan remembered what she used to say to him when he was younger.
Honestly, she wasn’t always sure how much he remembered about his life before the accident, but the realization he’d actually held onto the words she’d used to try to comfort him filled her with a sweet ache.
A sweet ache that spoke to the history and depth of her relationship with her brother in ways she hadn’t considered for a long while.
She had always loved Roan, since the first day she’d held him as a baby.
Being his big sister had been a matter of pride and joy to her.
And despite what her mom had thrown at her the day of his accident, Ceth hadn’t been jealous of the attention he received.
The truth of that fact rang out now with vibrating clarity.
She’d never meant to hurt him, not even on a subconscious level. She hadn’t been selfish in her dealings with him. She had made a mistake. A stupid, painfully costly one. But a mistake, nonetheless. And she’d done her best to make amends for it in the aftermath.
In a rush, Krystal’s words from all those years ago came back to her.
You took full responsibility for the mistake you made. You’ve shown up for your family. You’re a good sister and daughter.
Ceth hadn’t wanted to allow herself to absorb that message back then, but she was beginning to think she could accept it now. Maybe Krystal saw more than Ceth realized.
Krystal
Ceth’s attitude toward her and her relationship with Elgin back then had definitely been complicated by jealousy and, yes, selfishness too. If Ceth had dealt with her feelings for Krystal better then maybe she wouldn’t have made such a mess of things. She could see that now.
But even that had been a mistake. Not a pattern she was destined to keep repeating.
The truth was, she had the power to choose what pattern she continued. She could choose to do the hard things for love, if she really wanted to.
And right now, that meant showing up for Krystal.
Ceth closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath over the ache in her chest.
Yes, she would show up. Be supportive and encouraging of Krystal’s new happiness, if that’s what she needed.
No more running away.