Chapter 34
Life is fragile, I learnt that the hard way. Heart failure from an undiagnosed congenital heart defect took Robert; one day he was here, the next he wasn’t. Live each day as if it’s your last and love without fear.
Extract from Joy’s journal
‘You don’t half get yourself into a mess sometimes,’ Stefan said with amusement the moment they stepped inside Tilly’s mid-terrace Edwardian house in leafy Gosforth, an affluent area of Newcastle.
She knew he was trying to make light of the situation when she’d barely said a word the whole way back.
‘Try telling that to the poor woman who’s ended up in hospital and likely won’t be driving again.’
‘She probably shouldn’t have been driving in the first place.’
That had been Tilly’s thought, but Stefan pointing it out grated on her nerves when he hadn’t been there to see Jean’s upset and confusion.
‘I’m sure she knows that and will massively regret getting behind the wheel, but we all make bad choices at times, so the least we can do is have some compassion.’
She followed him through to the kitchen-diner with its navy units and Moroccan tiles.
It opened out onto a tiny courtyard garden with a large mirror on the wall, a seating area and a couple of ornamental trees in pots.
When she’d bought it, the place hadn’t been touched since the 1970s.
It was the first house that she’d renovated for herself, using bolder colours and striking features.
Although, having been absent for so long and with Stefan standing in the kitchen looking very much at ease, it didn’t feel like hers any longer.
His stamp was imprinted all over it, in the framed Nirvana poster on the exposed brick wall and the expensive coffee machine on the counter.
The bright zigzag patterned cushions on the dining table bench were new, although they didn’t seem to be his taste.
Her fists clenched with the realisation of who had likely chosen them.
The house had fast become his domain because she’d spent less and less time here.
No doubt the woman he’d had an affair with had been here.
Why had she allowed him to play her for a fool?
Why had she been so generous? Stefan wasn’t who needed her help.
People like Ivor did and Jean, a stranger who had quite literally crashed into, then out of her life, but had made her realise her priorities were all wrong.
Ivor, alone and grieving, needed support – Màiri did what she could from afar, but he’d been gruffly grateful for the help and it had felt good to give it without any expectation of him liking her in return.
But because of that, there’d been tentative steps forward with Màiri, someone Tilly could see herself getting on with given a chance.
But even if Tilly went back to Mull as she intended to, it would be short-lived.
Her life was elsewhere, even if nowhere felt like home, apart from her campervan, but that was a smashed mess and she didn’t yet know if her insurer would pay out.
It was damaged but hopefully fixable. Perhaps that was how she should think of herself.
She wasn’t a write-off when it came to relationships, love or happiness, she just needed to make wiser choices.
Stefan cleared his throat. She looked up, realising she’d been completely lost in her thoughts.
‘Coffee?’ he asked.
At her nod, he set about getting mugs and milk out.
‘You know I wanted you to come back and chat, but I didn’t mean for you to have an accident.’
He was still joking around, when she should be on her way back to Mull to try to make things right with Logan. The last thing she’d wanted was to have ended up here with her ex.
Tilly dumped her bag on the blue and white tiled floor. ‘You wanted to talk, so why don’t we?’
‘About the property?’ Stefan popped a pod in the coffee machine and glanced at her.
‘About us, because that is tied into the property. How you can think we’d be able to work together with the added pressures of business and deadlines and money is beyond me.
We didn’t work together when we were actually together!
’ Her anger was fuelled by the adrenaline still swirling through her body.
Being back in her house reminded her how much she’d wanted to get away to Mull, somewhere far from all that was wrong in her life.
She was constantly in fight-or-flight mode; always escaping something and rarely sticking with a relationship long enough to work things out.
It was a persistent problem and a cycle she’d never been able to break.
And this time, even though she hadn’t had much choice, she’d run in the wrong direction, back to the person she should have wiped her hands of a long time ago.
‘The bottom line is, I don’t want to work with you.
I don’t even want to be here now and I certainly don’t want us to rehash the shitty end to our relationship, but perhaps we should finally put it behind us. ’
‘That’s the thanks I get for saving you?’ The whirr of the coffee machine accompanied his words.
Tilly scoffed. ‘You did nothing of the sort. You picked me up, which I’m grateful for, but you certainly didn’t save me. I’d have been better off getting a taxi, but I wasn’t thinking straight.’
‘Well, that’s charming.’ He folded his arms and his biceps flexed.
She’d once found that attractive, but the memory was nothing compared to the way Logan had made her feel over the past couple of days.
Stefan fixed her with a glare. ‘We have the opportunity to move forward and work together, so what good is bringing up the past?’
‘You mean you don’t want to be reminded about the fact you cheated on me?’
He dumped a mug of coffee in front of her. ‘That’s the thing, Tilly. If we’re going to rehash the past, then it shines a light on you too. I never believed you loved me – I mean, you never said so. There was always something holding you back.’
‘So you dealt with that by having an affair?’
‘You didn’t talk to me either.’ He popped another pod in the machine.
‘You threw yourself into work and shut me out; yes, I was at fault, but you didn’t make things easy.
You’re independent, which is fine and one of the things I loved about you, but you’re so damn independent, I don’t think you ever realised that a relationship is a balance of give and take, but you also have to be present and involved. You never were.’
The words walloped her with the truth. She was crap at relationships, she always had been, keeping partners at arm’s length to protect herself, but this time it had backfired by pushing Stefan into another woman’s arms. She wasn’t to blame for his misguided choice, but she was at fault for not talking openly about her feelings, and for choosing to be with someone when she knew in her heart it hadn’t been right.
It was also true that she hadn’t been in love with him and she’d only invited him to live with her because she’d felt she should, not because she wanted him to.
She’d made the same mistake with Logan too, by running away instead of opening up to him about her worries and fears and finding a way to move forward together.
‘You’re right, I didn’t talk to you properly, because I don’t know what’s going on in my own head most of the time, but that doesn’t excuse your cheating.
If things had got so bad that you felt the need to be with someone else, you should have left me.
At the very least, you should have told me so we could have had a conversation.
But you didn’t, you lied to me and crept around behind my back until you could no longer hide it.
’ She gestured around them. ‘Because you were onto a good thing here and you didn’t want to rock the boat, just assumed you could get away with it.
’ Stefan opened his mouth, but Tilly ploughed on.
‘But now she’s left you, you have a change of heart.
The property might be a genuine business proposition, but you wanting us to get back together is all for convenience. Your convenience.’
He folded his arms. ‘That’s not true at all.’ He sounded adamant but she noticed his eyes shift from hers.
‘Do you honestly think I’m stupid?’
‘Of course I don’t. I’ve had time to think and realised I made a mistake.’
‘You mean she dumped you and you figured I was the next best thing.’
‘That’s not what I—’
‘Have you forgotten what you said to me? You sleeping with someone else was actually the least hurtful thing. You told me quite clearly that I was the reason you had an affair. My work ethic and the time I spent working away was the reason you were lonely and felt I’d abandoned you.
That’s the reason you gave for being with another woman! ’
He took the cup of espresso from the coffee machine and downed it. ‘What you said before about putting the past behind us, that’s my reason for wanting to see you now, to work together, maybe even be together. It’ll be different this time.’
Tilly stabbed a finger at him. ‘You’re delusional. We were never right together and you’ve proved it over and over again. Forget about teaming up in business. I want you out of my life. I’m selling this house.’
Stefan frowned. ‘But this is your home.’
‘Doesn’t feel like it any more.’ She folded her arms. ‘And I want you out of here by Friday.’
His face dropped. ‘That’s three days away.’
‘So? You’ve walked all over me for too long and I owe you nothing.
’ He was back on his feet post-divorce and he had the means to support himself and buy his own house; he’d been stalling for too long, taking advantage of her generosity.
She needed a clean break, with no ex lurking in the background to muddy her emotions.
Her phone pinged and she whipped it out of her pocket. Her heart lurched when she realised it was from Logan.
Hey, just wanted to check you’re okay?
She gulped back a sob at the concern and friendship such a simple message conveyed. Despite the way she’d left, he’d reached out, when that was what she should have done all along.
‘I meant what I said, Stefan. We’re done and you’re moving out.’ She clasped her phone to her chest. ‘I need to reply to this.’
She left him looking dumbstruck in the kitchen and retreated to the downstairs toilet.
She sat on the closed toilet lid and reread Logan’s message.
She couldn’t even begin to put into words what him reaching out meant.
The only risk to their friendship was her.
They had to reshape their relationship because that was what it was now, something more than they’d ever been to each other before, but with a solid foundation of friendship.
Her fears and insecurities were holding her back from letting go of the past. Opening her heart and putting her trust in Logan might be the best decision she’d ever make.
It was impossible to convey her feelings in a message when she had so much to say, but at least her mind was made up about what to do.
Stefan was perched at the breakfast bar scrolling on his phone when Tilly returned.
It was her house but his domain, and things were going to change.
With her too. She was going to be braver, stronger, more open and live up to Joy’s advice about trusting her gut, following her heart and living without fear.
She should have done that from the beginning.
‘I’m going to go.’ Tilly scooped up her bag.
Stefan frowned. ‘Where?’
‘Back to Mull.’
‘What, now? You’ve only just got here.’
‘But I never intended to be here. If it wasn’t for the accident, I’d have been well on my way back by now.’
She’d wasted so much time going all the way to Cumbria in the first place to see a property she never had any intention of investing in, and now she was spending time with her ex when she should be making things right with Logan.
‘I don’t want to be here, and I certainly don’t want to be with you any longer.
Working on a project together is a terrible idea and would end in disaster and you know it.
We both have to move on. Am I glad you’re no longer with the woman you cheated on me with?
Yes, of course. I hope you had a taste of what it’s like to be rejected—’
‘I already do – you know how my marriage ended.’
‘Which makes it even worse that you treated me with the same disrespect when you understand how it feels!’ She took a couple of gulps of coffee and slammed the mug on the counter.
‘You’re really going to Mull today?’
‘If I can get there in time, then yes.’
Despite sounding determined and being resolved about her feelings for Stefan and for Logan, Tilly still left the house with hot tears blurring her eyes.
Her heart ached with longing for what she’d experienced on Mull, for the sense of peace and the homeliness in a place where she could breathe and think and feel.
And love. Her heart ached because she knew why it had felt so right.
It was the same reason she’d been happy in the shared student house in Edinburgh.
It wasn’t the place itself that she’d been drawn to, but Logan, her best friend who she wanted to spend time with, share her innermost thoughts with, and wake up to every day.
The clarity was freeing. She just hoped she hadn’t left it too late and Logan would forgive her and feel the same way.