Chapter 35
When something scares you, it’s likely because you want it so much.
That’s how I felt when I said yes to Robert and stepped on that train to Scotland with him.
I was scared because I loved him; I was scared because I wanted to prove my decision to leave was the right one.
I was scared because I’d stepped out on my own, had gone against my parents’ wishes and taken a huge chance on the unknown.
Extract from Joy’s journal
‘Don’t freak out because I’m fine, but I was in an accident and the campervan’s undrivable.’
At Logan’s sharp intake of breath, Tilly realised that starting the conversation that way when they hadn’t talked in twenty-four hours probably wasn’t the wisest idea.
‘What the hell happened, Tilly?’
She pacified him with brief details and stressed that she really was fine, even if her campervan wasn’t, and that she was going to make her way back to Mull.
‘I was hoping to get the train, but as it will take forever with two changes in Edinburgh and Glasgow, I’m going to get a hire car instead, so I can get to Oban and catch the last ferry.’
An audio announcement about a train arriving at platform nine drowned out Logan’s reply.
She was at the train station in Newcastle, surrounded by people while attempting to focus on Logan and navigate her way back outside to the car hire place.
He was saying something about taking it easy and to keep him updated on her journey.
‘To have any chance of making it to Oban in time, I’d better go,’ Tilly said, brushing him off with a quick goodbye. She pocketed her phone and tucked her thumbs in her rucksack straps as she exited the building.
Her campervan hadn’t just been a way to get from A to B, but the place that had felt more like home than home had for the last year, so it felt odd driving a much smaller Vauxhall Corsa.
Joy had written about living her life by following her heart and trusting her gut, while Tilly had been doing the opposite for quite some time.
She’d known she and Stefan were wrong for each other, but she’d talked herself into believing they could work until he’d proved her wrong.
She always trusted her gut when it came to business, so why had she never been able to when it came to love?
In her journal, Joy had often written about the things that mattered most and how she knew they were right because of the way she’d felt.
Was something even worth it if it didn’t scare her a bit?
Wasn’t being anxious and frightened over her changing relationship with Logan better than nonchalance and apathy?
Didn’t the strength of her feelings and how risky it felt tell her everything she needed to know?
As she drove across the English border and entered Scotland, she knew in her heart what she wanted. She just had to trust her gut, be brave and see where it would take her.
* * *
The island was blanketed in darkness and the clouds obscured the moon and stars as the ferry cut across the choppy sea.
Even though it wasn’t raining, the breeze was cold and the night moody; it was eerie now the welcoming lights of Oban were behind them.
Tilly remained inside as Mull got closer, her stomach somersaulting more from nerves than the churning sea, but a flame of excitement had been lit, fuelled by a happiness at returning to Mull and the anticipation of seeing Logan again.
She was dog-tired by the time she drove the hire car off the ferry.
When she’d stopped to have a break during the journey to Oban, as well as messaging Logan, she’d contacted her insurance company and the garage where her campervan had been towed, but there was more to sort out over the next couple of days to find out if it was fixable and what to do if it wasn’t.
It hadn’t been a difficult decision to sell her house, but she’d be lost without her campervan.
Driving at night on Mull was even quieter than during the day, and once she’d turned off at Salen and cut inland, at well past eleven o’clock it felt as if she was the only person out and about.
She navigated a steep section of road with sharp turns, then speeded up a little on the stretches where she’d be able to see the lights of oncoming traffic, although she was more concerned about a deer shooting out in front of her than anything else.
It was hard to believe the accident had happened only earlier that day.
She wondered how Jean was. Hopefully she was being well looked after in hospital with the company of her son, whether he was angry with her or not – to have such a strong emotion at least meant he cared.
She sighed as she passed the turning that would take her to Ulva or all the way around the coast to famous Calgary Bay. But she was heading in the opposite direction, desperate to get home and put things right with Logan, even while feeling mentally, physically and emotionally shattered.
Her heart did a little flip; she’d thought of Loch View House as home. She supposed it was a home. It was the only place she’d ever been where she’d felt part of a loving family. She’d always known she was welcome to return. And the reason it felt like home now was because Logan was there.
She was having trouble fighting back tears as she drove through a tunnel of trees. In daylight, she’d have been able to make out Loch View House on the other side of River Ba, but now darkness shrouded everything; even the mountain backdrop had merged with the inky sky.
Tears fell as she navigated the narrow bridge over the river and turned the sharp corner in Knock, passing the pub before turning into the lane that led to Wood Farm and Loch View House.
Honeyed light spilt from the windows. The gate was open and she pulled into the driveway and turned off the engine.
She sat for a moment, taking in the peace of the dark garden and the moonlight reflecting off the distant loch.
A comforting sense of calm enveloped her.
The front door opened and the porch light clicked on as Logan stepped out. His smile was soft and full of anticipation as he ran his fingers through his curls. Barney was at his feet, his tail wagging furiously.
This was the welcome she’d always longed for, but hadn’t realised until this moment.
It was Logan who made her happy, who comforted her and who she trusted implicitly.
It was Logan who she wanted to spend time with and come home to.
It was Logan who she was scared to give her heart to because she wanted to find happiness with him more than anything.
An understanding of how she felt hit her like a wave; emotion so powerful that her initial reaction was to restart the car and drive away because then she wouldn’t have to deal with scary feelings.
But where would that leave her? Broken-hearted, sad and alone.
And, more importantly, what would that do to Logan?
It would certainly wipe the tentative smile off his face and put their friendship at risk.
No more running away. No more pretending she was okay. No more burying her feelings. She didn’t want to be alone any more; she wanted to share her life with her best friend, she wanted to live every day with Joy’s honesty and without fear, while being open to opportunity and love.
Just ten days ago, she’d emerged from her campervan to their cries of ‘Tilly Toes’ and ‘Logan Wogan’ echoing across the garden before they’d wrapped their arms around each other in an all-encompassing bear hug.
This time, the greeting was tentative, both of them navigating how to behave now the boundary of friendship had been crossed.
‘Are you okay?’ Logan asked as he pulled her close and buried his head in her hair.
A million sorrys were on the tip of her tongue at the harsh words she’d spilled before she’d run away. They would talk and she would open up, but in the moment she just held him tight and breathed in his worn leather and woodsmoke scent, wanting the comfort of him without excuses or explanations.
Finally, with Barney whining at their feet, she pulled away and drank Logan in, soaking up his familiarity and acknowledging the warmth in her heart and the peace she felt at being back with the only person she’d ever trusted and loved unconditionally, who she wanted in her life always.
She pressed her hand to his chest. ‘I am now,’ she said softly and kissed him.