Chapter 36
The world aligns when you’re in love. Everything made sense after I met Robert.
Extract from Joy’s journal
Tilly didn’t make the mistake of taking Logan’s hand and leading him upstairs.
On the journey, she’d had plenty of time to understand her feelings and what that meant for her future.
However much she wanted to blur the edges of what she was feeling through physical love and desire, she knew Logan needed her to talk to him, and that sharing her feelings was more important than showing them. That would come later.
Barney jumping excitedly around their legs stirred them from their kiss, and they retreated inside, shutting the door on the cool, dark night.
The fire was lit and the flames flickered across the living room.
They snuggled together, with Tilly leaning against Logan and Barney lying alongside them, his paws resting on her legs.
It reminded her of their first evening together, but without the need for physical distance, something that was welcome after a long, tiring and emotional day.
‘I’m sorry for the way I left.’ Tilly took Logan’s hand and focused on the comfort in their entwined fingers and the warmth of being sandwiched between him and Barney.
There was nowhere else she’d rather be. The only times she’d felt safe and happy had been with Logan.
‘When you said you loved me, everything got too real. I panicked.’
‘It’s the way I feel, Tilly, and I’m not going to apologise for that because I can’t continue to hide my feelings.’ He rubbed his thumb along hers. ‘I can’t take it back either.’
‘I don’t want you to.’
His hand relaxed. ‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have said it when I did; it was an emotional day with an overwhelming amount of sadness and happiness. But it felt right at the time.’
‘I’ve spent my whole life running away from things and trying to protect myself from getting hurt because I’ve carried this fear from childhood of always having to say goodbye and losing friends, but I never looked at my life rationally to see that I’ve always had you.
Other friendships and relationships have floundered, but never us.
I’ve always convinced myself to walk away before getting hurt, without ever acknowledging that I haven’t had to do that with you or wondered why that is.
’ Barney stretched and pawed at her thigh.
She stroked him. ‘Running away and ignoring how I feel is not the answer; it’s ironic I had to do exactly that to come to this conclusion.
’ She shifted a little to face him but kept hold of his hand.
‘I want to be happy. I want us to be happy and okay.’
‘I want that too, Tilly. But I also want to be with you. I want you in my life permanently. There’s nothing more I want than my best friend being my partner in every way.
’ His fingers tensed again. ‘I realise being this honest might scare you off completely, but I can’t pretend I don’t feel this way about you any longer. ’
‘I’m not scared.’ Her voice was small in the quiet of the living room, with only the crackle of the fire and Barney’s rumbling snore.
‘Actually, that’s not true. I am scared shitless, but according to your aunt that’s a good thing.
’ The worry on Logan’s face was eased by a smile.
She moved closer, slipped her hand from his and laid it on his waist. ‘I’m glad you were honest with me even if it made me react the way I did.
It was the wake-up call I needed, but I had to put distance between us to figure stuff out.
And, actually, a wreck of a farmhouse, my ex and an accident were what made me see things clearly.
’ She laughed. ‘It could be the tagline of a film. Ending up back at my house with Stefan opened my eyes to how I felt and what I wanted.’
A branch scraped against the window and the wind whistled down the chimney.
The curtains were open and the darkness outside accentuated the cosiness of the living room, with the fire glowing, the warmth radiating towards them.
With her hand still on Logan, she took in Robert’s painting of Loch Ba that hung above the fireplace and the framed photo of Joy and Logan’s mum on the bookshelf.
‘I’m glad you’ve decided to keep the house,’ Tilly said. ‘Even without Joy, it’s your home. Somewhere that’s always been filled with happiness and love.’
And promises. It was here she and Logan had dreamed about their future and had made that ridiculous promise to marry each other if they were both single at thirty-five.
It didn’t feel quite so ridiculous any longer, but full of possibility and excitement.
She shouldn’t be afraid of her feelings, or his.
This was everything she’d ever wanted – unconditional love and a sense of belonging.
The fact that she felt this way about her best friend couldn’t have been more perfect.
Not opening up her heart would be the biggest risk and her greatest regret.
She had to trust her instincts as Joy had encouraged her to do through her journal.
‘Keeping the house is the right thing to do.’ Logan’s eyes drifted towards the photos on the mantelpiece, while his thumb circled the sensitive skin of her waist. ‘Even if Aunt Joy’s ashes weren’t scattered here, I can’t imagine not being able to ever come back.
And the idea of someone else living here…
’ He shuddered. ‘Even if I have to rent it out, it’s far better than the alternative of it being someone else’s home. ’
‘You’ll make it work. We’ll make it work.’
His eyes widened again, and she could sense the question on his lips: what does that mean?
‘You were talking about us being together,’ she said gently, now worried that she would be the one to scare him off by being open. ‘So you and me are a “we”, right? In it together, wherever life takes us?’
His eyes traced her face. ‘You want that?’
‘For there to be an us?’ She swallowed, then nodded and took a gulp of air.
‘What I should have said on Sunday was I love you too.’ The way he practically reeled back made her laugh.
She clasped him tighter. ‘That was how I felt in my heart, but I couldn’t say it because I was scared of how it would change us.
’ She glanced at the flames dancing in the fireplace.
‘I didn’t understand my feelings because I’ve never been in love before.
But I am with you. I was terrified to admit it, and I still am scared, but that’s because I want this so much.
I want you. I want us, and I don’t want to continue running away from all the good in my life for fear of being disappointed or let down or it not working out the way I want it to.
This last week on Mull has shown me I’m happy when I’m with you.
I don’t want to let go of that or lose you. ’
‘You won’t, Tilly, my God, you won’t.’
He pressed his lips to hers and pulled her onto his lap, kissing her deeply. Barney made a noise that sounded very much like a huff as he jumped onto the floor.
The promise they’d made to each other on Mull all those years ago danced around Tilly’s head as they stripped off in front of the flickering light and warmth of the fire.
There was no worry or regret, no fear or uncertainty either as they showed their love for each other through touch and passion.
As Barney slunk off to the kitchen, they built on the two nights they’d already spent together, but this time without the burden of hidden feelings or a hint of fear, just the promise of hope, friendship, togetherness and love.