14. Ethan
Chapter 14
Ethan
I was suffocating. The crisp white collar of the tuxedo shirt felt as though it was a cable tie. I coughed, tucked a finger in, and tried to loosen it.
“Isn’t it normally the groom who’s meant to be nervous before his wedding?”
I stood next to my brother, Cole, as we looked at our reflections in the tailor’s full-length mirror. We couldn’t have looked much more different. Cole was the very picture of relaxed confidence, with a wide smile on his face and a playful gleam in his eyes. By contrast, I looked exhausted and stressed. My shoulders were hunched, and my lip twitched like someone was tugging at my mouth with a string.
“I’m fine. Just not the greatest fit is all.”
“You sure that’s all it is? You’ve been kinda antsy all morning.”
“I’m tired. Tired from the training.”
It was true that I was tired. But it wasn’t the training. It’s because I’d been up all night thinking about Lily. Me and her, under the stars. Fucking.
I’d tried so hard to make it just a physical thing. Going outside. Engaging in a little dirty talk. Entering her from behind.
And yet, for some reason, every single thing we did felt like the most romantic fucking thing I’d ever done.
There was so much emotion crackling between us. Whether it was fast or slow, sweet or steamy, all of it just felt so damn . . . right. And the moment I came inside her, I suddenly felt so deep and raw that it had shocked me to the core.
“They’re really putting you through your paces at the station, huh?”
“It’s brutal.”
“Especially for someone like you, who’s useless at hose control.”
“Wow.”
Cole chuckled. “Thought you’d appreciate that one.”
There was, of course, another reason for my stressed appearance. Today, I was meant to be telling Cole about Lily. But right now, I was struggling to remember the benefit. I’d just be opening myself up for teasing.
I was acutely aware that only recently, Cole had been the one seeing a younger woman, and I’d fucking bet him that he’d fall in love with her.
Obviously, it was a bet I’d won, and now he was marrying her.
Which meant, really, he won.
This was different, though. More complicated, more potentially damaging.
“What do you think?” Cole asked, gesturing at his deep blue tux. “It’s hard to get one the color of the ocean because it changes so much, but I think this one is pretty good, don’t you?”
“Yeah, it’s great,” I said, tugging again at my collar.
“I like it, too.”
Cole adjusted his bow tie. “Can you believe I’m getting hitched in just a couple of weeks?”
I forced a smile. “You and Elara make a great team.”
Cole’s brow furrowed as he turned to face me. “Ethan, what’s up, bro? It’s not just the training. And it’s definitely not that collar—which looks good on you, by the way. You seem a million miles away. Is Ava okay?”
“Actually, Ava’s doing great.”
“She enjoying having a nanny?”
I hesitated. I’d always been the one Cole confided in, the steady brother he could rely on. It felt weird to flip our dynamic, and it was hard for me to admit that I needed him.
“Lily’s . . . great.”
“Yeah,” Cole agreed, “although El tells me she’s not that happy at the bookstore. She’s lost her way since she dumped Vlad. The nanny gig is helping her out.”
“El says she’s unhappy?” I felt a sudden surge of guilt. I hadn’t spoken to Lily about how she was feeling about . . . well, about anything really. I guess I’d been so focused on keeping things as unromantic as possible that I’d stopped appearing like I cared. Which of course I did.
“Doesn’t believe in romance anymore, apparently,” remarked Cole. “I guess that’s why the two of you get on so well together. Similar philosophies.” He paused a moment. “Remember when El and I were first fooling around?”
“Course.”
“I never understood why you kept pushing me to have a proper relationship with her. You were meant to be Mister Bah Humbug when it came to the lovey-dovey stuff.”
I sighed. “It’s not that I don’t believe in love. It’s just that . . . I feel like I’ve had my shot. I had it with Marie. And when I lost her, the pain of it was just . . . a lot. But it was obvious to me—and anyone with eyes—that you and El were perfect for each other.”
“Well, I’ve never been happier to lose a bet,” he said, clapping a hand on my shoulder. “Now what do you think, should I buy these tu—”
“Lily and I had sex.”
Cole’s eyebrows shot up. “Excuse me?”
“Yep, we had sex. Twice so far.”
He opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, the tailor popped his head around the door, his mustache twitching. “Espresso, gentlemen?”
“I’m gonna need something stronger,” Cole said.
“Double espresso?”
“I think we’re good for drinks, thank you,” I said.
The tailor nodded and disappeared from the fitting room.
“When were you going to tell me?”
“Uh, right now?”
“How long has this been going on? Jesus, does Elara. . . .” He trailed off, realization dawning on his face. “I knew she was keeping something from me. This makes so much sense. Fuck, man, this is crazy!”
“It’s nothing. It just sort of happened. We both wanted something casual.”
“Where have I heard this before?”
Argh. That smug look was enough to drive me berserk.
“It’s nothing.”
“Sure, sure,” said Cole, nodding sarcastically. “It’s so nothingy that you had to tell me about it.”
“It’s just physical. We’re both determined that it won’t develop into anything . . . emotional.”
Cole grinned. “You fucking need this, Ethan. You deserve it. Fuck. Lily? Damn, she’s even younger than Elara.”
“Don’t.”
“You dirty, dirty dog, Ethan McCoy.”
“I’m perfectly clean, thank you.”
“Sounds like you’ve got it bad, bro,” Cole said, a knowing smile playing at the corners of his mouth.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I undid the button of his shirt collar, but I still felt as though I couldn’t breathe.
“So tell me,” said Cole, staring at me. “If this thing between you and Lily is so much goddamn fun, then why do you look like you’ve been run over by a bus this morning?”
I shrugged. “Like I said, I’m tired.”
“Right. Tired from all that no-strings sex you’ve been having.”
“Only twice.”
Cole nudged me playfully. “Know what’s a helluva lot less tiring than no-strings fucking?”
I frowned. “No, what?”
“Strings fucking.”
“Strings fucking. Right. And what exactly are you talking about, Cole?”
“Casual sex is fun and everything,” said Cole, “but you have to try so hard at it. Working out how to keep it casual, then figuring out what to do if it stops being that way, making sure both of you are on board with the parameters of the relationship as time ticks by. Keeping it fun and sexy and playful without ever straying into romance territory.”
“Yes, thank you, I’m well aware of all this.”
“Strings sex, on the other hand, is the natural order of things. You’re allowed to fuck, you’re allowed to feel, you’re allowed to see how things progress.”
“And then before you know it, one of you fucks up somehow, the other one runs off, and Ava is left without a nanny, feeling abandoned.”
Cole raised his eyebrows. He opened his mouth, about to say something, then shut it again. Finally, he squeezed my shoulder. “Bro,” he said. “I can’t imagine how hard it is for you, worrying that history will repeat itself. Worrying about Ava being left in the lurch. And I bet, deep down you’re worrying that you might be abandoned, too.”
“It’s not about me. I can take it.”
Cole’s deep brown eyes looked at me with sincere kindness. “You know, it’s okay to admit you’re scared of being vulnerable.”
I felt anger bubble up inside me. “That’s not the issue, Cole, and you’re not my damn shrink.”
He held up his hands. “You’re right, I’m not. Sorry. Didn’t mean to seem like a know-it-all. Your situation with Ava is very different to mine with Lexi and Rhea.”
“It’s okay. I get it. I probably deserve it after everything I put you through with El.”
“I don’t want to tease you, Ethan. I want you to be happy. You deserve it.”
“This is the best way for me to stay happy,” I said through gritted teeth. “Sticking to our rules.”
“To your rules. Right.”
“Rules that ensure we won’t catch feelings.”
Cole nodded, way too sincerely for my liking. I didn’t trust him one bit. “Yeah,” he said, “rules will definitely help.”
Memories of last night flooded my mind. The way Lily’s eyes had sparkled as we’d looked at each other after I came inside her. The way she had traced the lines of my chest, my heart pounding against her fingertips. The way she had looked at me, like maybe she saw something more than just a broken man.
Cole took off his tux jacket. “Well, in that case, have fun and let it go. But don’t fucking hurt her, brother. Or Elara will literally kill you.”
“I’ll do my best. We’re both on the same page. And the rules will protect us.”
“The rules. Of course.” Cole removed his bow tie, and then said, “By the way, El actually asked me to ask you whether you and Ava would like to come around for Sunday dinner tomorrow.”
Normally, once a month, we got the whole family together for dinner, but since Dad and Suzie were away on their tour of South America, we’d been lax in organizing our get-togethers.
“That sounds good.”
“Might as well bring Lily, too.”
My breath hitched. “I don’t know . . .”
“I bet Ava would like her to be there. Plus, Rhea and Lexi are mad about her.”
My heart raced in my chest. “I don’t know, Cole. Feels a bit odd.”
“She’s Ava’s nanny. Plus, it will be a good test for you.”
“A test?”
“Right. If it feels uncomfortable, then you’ll know things have gone too far with Lily, and you can talk to her about resetting.”
“So, you’re saying it’s like—a way to see if I should break up with her?”
“I didn’t realize you were dating,” he shot back, not missing a beat.
“We’re not.”
“So, what’s the issue?”
I sighed. “Fine. I’ll ask her. She won’t want to, though.”
Cole clapped me on the back, his grin wide and infectious. “That’s my boy. Now, let’s get out of these monkey suits and grab a beer. I think we’ve earned it.”
***
We had a beer at The Lighthouse and somehow we managed to avoid talking about Lily. Maybe it was because I got prickly whenever he brought up anything that might lead us toward her. Still, it was good to just spend some time with Cole. We rarely got to hang out like this anymore, and I had missed it.
When I got home, I found Lily and Ava huddled on the couch, surrounded by a sea of colorful index cards and hand-drawn pictures. They were so engrossed in their project that they didn’t even notice me come in.
“Hey, you two,” I said, dropping my keys on the counter. “What’s all this?”
Ava’s head popped up, her blue eyes shining with excitement. “Daddy, look! We’re writing a book!”
I raised an eyebrow, glancing at Lily with an amused smile. “Is that so?”
Lily held up a card with the words “Firefighter Daddy” scrawled across it in Ava’s messy handwriting. “It’s about a brave firefighter who rescues animals from burning buildings,” she explained, her eyes full of mirth. “And he just so happens to be a single dad with an amazing daughter. And a truly awesome nanny.”
“The best nanny in the world ever,” Ava added.
“We were going to call it Super Nanny but decided to focus more on the firefighter character.”
“ Super Nanny sounds so good, though,” I said, staring into her eyes.
One . . . two . . . three. . . .
“True,” Lily agreed, looking away. “But we’re targeting a very specific demographic with this title.”
“What’s a demographic?” Ava asked.
“A group of people.”
“Who are we targeting?”
“Women who find the idea of a single dad firefighter to be exciting and romantic.”
Ava rolled her eyes. “Then nobody’s going to buy the book!”
Lily’s cheeks colored. “I would.”
“Daddy, can I bring my novel to Uncle Cole’s dinner tomorrow?” Ava asked, her blue eyes wide and pleading. “I want to show everyone. Lexi and Rhea will flip out. I’m, like, a real author now.”
“Sure. Why not?” I said. I was about to ask Lily whether she wanted to come, but Ava did it for me.
“You should be there,” she said to Lily. “You’re kinda like my co-author. I need you to help me explain the story.”
Lily looked at me. “I . . . don’t know. I was going to head to the store. Refresh some of the displays.”
“Yep,” I said quickly. “I was going to ask you, but I figured you might be busy.”
“You were going to ask me?” Her expression was hard to read.
“Well, you’re Ava’s nanny.”
“Right,” Lily said. “Well, the store displays can wait. I could come to dinner in that capacity. As Ava’s nanny.”
“Yeah. Wouldn’t want to break any . . . rules.”
“What rules, Dad?” Ava asked, rightly confused.
“Oh, you know, they’re meant to be family dinners.” I tried not to sound flustered.
“Yay!” Ava clapped her hands together. Then, she grabbed the book and wrenched it out of my sight. “I need glitter pens,” Ava said, scampering off to her room.
I turned to Lily with a rueful grin. “You sure you’re ready for the McCoy family inquisition? They can be a bit . . . intense.”
Lily shrugged, her eyes sparkling with mischief. “I think I can handle it. Besides, it’ll be nice to see you in your natural habitat. And Elara will be there, too.”
“I . . . uh, spoke to Cole today. Just so you know. About . . . us.”
“Us, huh?”
“I guess I spoke to him about the lack of us.”
“Right. Makes sense. How did he take it?”
“Oh, you know Cole. Teased me mercilessly.” It wasn’t quite the truth, but I didn’t feel like saying, “He told me we should be together.”
“Sorry about that. Guess he finds us a funny pairing. . .”
“I think he’s amazed that someone like you would touch someone like me.”
“Oh?”
Suddenly, I became very aware of how close we were to each other. I could feel the heat from her, and smell that maddening scent of strawberries. “You know,” I said. “You’re a ten. And I’m a—”
“Hundred?”
We laughed together.
“Just remind me,” I said quietly, leaning in. “We had sex yesterday, didn’t we?”
“Have you forgotten already? Must be your age.”
“Oh, don’t worry, I’m not going to forget what we did yesterday for a long time. I’m just double-checking . . . the rules. No sex two days in a row.” I arched an eyebrow. “What counts as sex exactly?”
She bit her lip. Her beautiful, pink lip. The very lip that had been stretched open around my hard cock last night.
Just then, Ava bounded back in, glitter pens in hand. “Come on!” she cried. “We’ve got work to do.”
***
Lily and I looked at each other hungrily over dinner. All I could think about was her.
I tried to make normal conversation, but it felt as though half my brain was missing. In its place was a giant billboard flashing her naked image like a Times Square ad.
After dinner, we all played Uno together. The two girls ganged up on me again, which was a strangely enjoyable experience. I don’t know why it was so fun being teased by them. Maybe it was because for so long, I’d had to shoulder the weight of our household alone. Now, seeing Ava laugh and bond with Lily brought a lightness to my heart I hadn’t felt in years. It was more than just the game; it was the sense of family returning to our home.
When the time came, Ava asked whether Lily could tuck her in. I agreed, and then I found myself alone in the kitchen, cleaning up the remnants of our dinner.
I could still feel the warmth of Lily’s presence lingering in the air.
A shitty thought hit me: one day, she wouldn’t be Ava’s nanny anymore. Once my training was over, and Susie and Dad were back, I would no longer need her. Plus, she didn’t want to play nanny forever. She’d no doubt find her mojo at work again and throw herself into that full-time. Plus, she would probably want to date again at some point. To fall in love and get married.
The sound of footsteps behind me pulled me from my thoughts, and I turned to see Lily standing in the kitchen doorway, her hair tousled and her eyelids heavy. She’d already changed into her pajamas, a light pair of shorts and a tank. Her smooth skin glowed under dim kitchen lights.
“Hey,” she murmured, her voice husky. “I thought you might want some help cleaning up.”
I swallowed hard. “Thanks,” I managed, my voice rough. “I’m almost done, but you can help me finish up if you want.”
Lily nodded, grabbing a towel from the counter and moving to stand beside me at the sink. We worked in silence for a few minutes.
Then, she turned to take a plate as I was putting it in the drying rack, and our hands met, just for a moment. The air crackled. Desire took root.
“This is hard,” she said. “Two days is a long time.”
“Yep,” I agreed. I tried to focus on the task at hand, on the mindless repetition of wash, rinse, repeat. But all I could think about was the heat of Lily’s body next to mine, the scent of her skin filling my nostrils, the way her lips had felt against my skin just yesterday.
“You know,” she said at last, “kissing isn’t having sex.”
I looked at her. She was so beautiful. Absolutely perfect. “That’s true.”
I wasn’t in control of my body. I stepped closer to her.
“Did you know,” she whispered, “that you’re really sexy when you wash the dishes?”
“I did,” I growled, gently kissing the smooth skin of her neck. “It’s the only reason I do it when you’re around. To entice and delight you.”
She giggled. “You’re really sexy when you kiss my neck too.”
I put my arms around her, drawing her in closer. “Every bit of you is sexy,” I breathed. “Your fucking spine. Your spine is sexy.”
“My spine?” She smiled. “I guess I’ll try and waft it in your direction more often.”
“Please,” I said. “Waft your spine in front of me at every given opportunity.”
“Your jaw is sexy,” she whispered. “I want you to rub your scruff between my legs.”
My heart raced. The lump at my crotch pushed into her belly. “Not sure putting my scruff between your legs is in the rules.”
“Nice thing about having rules,” she said, a sphinxlike smile on her lips, “is that if you make them yourself, you get to interpret them yourself.”
“Come with me,” I said. Blood rushed in my ears as I led her up the stairs to my room. As we entered, I glanced around, seeing the space through her eyes for the first time. The room was a mix of practicality and remnants of a life once fuller. A sturdy, dark wood bed dominated the center, covered with a simple navy quilt. The walls, painted a soft gray, held framed photographs of vintage cars. Mostly Christmas gifts from Ida, who enjoyed decking her diner out with similar vintage prints. A firefighter’s helmet rested on a dresser in the corner.
The large window overlooked the ocean, offering a beautiful view of the town.
Turning to Lily, I saw her taking it all in, her presence already making the room feel warmer, more alive.
“You letting me in your bed?” she asked, closing my door behind her. “I’m honored.”
“You might be in your PJs, but don’t even think about falling asleep in it.” I scooped her up, and she yelped with surprise, then I carried her to the bed and threw her onto the mattress.
She laughed, then said, “I can’t believe I’m about to not have sex with you.”
I took off my t-shirt then loosened my pants, dropping them to the floor. “We don’t even need a condom,” I said, before grabbing my thick cock and stroking it a couple of times.
“Mmm, you look good,” Lily moaned, wriggling out of her tank top and shorts.
I was very interested in the fact she didn’t have any panties underneath. I couldn’t help myself from stroking my cock a few more times while I admired her.
“No offense,” she said, “but you look a lot like a man who’s about to have sex.”
“No chance,” I said, kneeling at the foot of the bed and grabbing Lily’s legs, dragging her toward me. I buried my face between her thighs then licked all the way up her smooth slit. “Damn, you taste good.”
Lily moaned as I started to lick her in long, slow movements. I gently sucked her plump little lips, stopping every now and then to watch the wetness seep out of her. Then, I sought out her clit and let the tip of my tongue flick over it until her legs began to shake.
“Come for me, baby,” I moaned into her pussy. “Show me how much you like being on my bed.”
Lily groaned, grabbing a fistful of my hair as she looked up at my ceiling.
I licked her faster now, pinning her thighs down to the mattress with my hands, not letting her squirm out of the orgasm she was clearly about to have. I kissed her harder, faster, my own cock straining in desire as I tasted her sweet honey.
“Uh oh,” she moaned, clamping her hand down over her mouth as her back arched, her thighs trembled, and her delicious wetness poured down the back of my throat.
I gave her a moment to enjoy the full force of her climax, then I threw her a little farther back on the bed, climbing over her and kissing her stomach, her ribs, her perfect breasts. I sucked her nipple into my mouth, teased her with my tongue, then moved up to her lips. My cock lay heavy against her pussy, nestled against her heat and her wetness.
“Now remember,” I said, “whatever happens, we can’t let my cock slip into your pussy.”
“No,” she panted, “that would be a disaster.”
“It would be very, very bad,” I agreed.
She started to slide her wet pussy up and down the length of my cock.
Shit . That felt better than good.
“This isn’t sex,” she whispered. “We’re still following the rules.”
“Correct,” I managed to say. “This is totally acceptable.” I moved my cock gently back and forth over her slit, keeping my movements as small and controlled as possible so I didn’t accidentally end up anywhere I wasn’t meant to be.
As we moved, I kissed her, long and deep, my tongue dancing in her mouth like my cock wanted to dance in her pussy. She moaned and ground her hips and kissed me passionately back, and we pretended with every thrust and lick that we were still following the rules. But every touch, every taste, every sweet fucking sensation screamed that this wasn’t just lust—it was something new, something different, something completely and utterly forbidden.
Lily reached down and began to play with my balls, then her fingers moved farther down, making me groan with desire.
I ached with the need to spill my seed. Seriously. I was so fucking aroused it was almost painful. I rubbed my cock over her slit more insistently now, wondering if coming on Lily’s stomach was within the rules. It would be hot as hell.
“Maybe,” Lily whimpered, “we could just allow . . . the tip?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m on the pill,” she groaned. “Clean, too.”
“I’m clean,” I groaned.
“Please, just a little bit, it would feel so good.”
“It wouldn’t be breaking the rules?”
She shook her pretty head vigorously. “No, no, I don’t think so. Not just the tip.”
“Just, this much?” I asked. Gently, carefully, I nudged the swollen tip of my cock into her warmth.
Holy fuck.
“More,” she panted. “Please, just a tiny bit more.”
I slid farther into her, slowly at first, relishing the feeling of stretching her open, bit by bit. She was so tight and so goddamn wet. I wanted to bury myself inside her, but I was still hesitant.
“Want me to stop here?” I asked, pausing halfway.
She shook her head. “No, don’t stop. What if . . . you just don’t come inside me? Would that work?”
“I’m not sure,” I said, remaining still.
Lily moaned softly, lifting her hips, trying to force me deeper inside her. I could feel her muscles clenching around my cock, her inner walls milking me. I reached down to her clit, and as I began to rub it gently, she let out a sharp gasp and came against me, her pussy contracting around my halfway-in cock.
For a moment, I forgot everything. I was lost in the feeling of her body wrapped around mine.
Then, I looked her in the eye and, overcome with lust, I grunted, “Fuck it.”
And just like that, the rules were forgotten.
Lily wrapped her legs around me as I thrust into her. Our lips met and our bodies moved together with such power and passion I felt like I was losing myself.
Fingers through fingers, chest against chest, tongue wrapped around tongue.
The heat, the speed, the passion.
This time, there was no holding back. We barely spoke, we barely breathed, we just . . . made love.
“Lily,” I panted. “I need to come. You okay with me doing it here?” I splayed my hand out across her gorgeous pale stomach.
“No,” she sighed, shaking her head. “Do it here.” She grabbed my hand and moved it up to her breasts and I was so turned on at the thought I couldn’t hold on another second. I shot out of her and pointed my cock down at her breasts, painting her beautiful pink nipples white with my hot cum.
With an impish smile, Lily smudged her finger in my cum and then massaged her clit with it, bringing herself quickly to another orgasm. She kept her eyes fixed firmly on mine as she climaxed, her cheeks turning an adorable shade of pink.
“Okay,” Lily said at last, “I’m pretty sure there was no rule about taking a shower together. If you’re up for it?”
I nodded. I was up for it. Of course I was up for it.
We showered together, and I made her come another time in the shower.
Then we cleaned our teeth together, and I was tempted to make her come another time at the sink. I didn’t, though. I said goodnight to her like a gentleman and we went back to our separate rooms.
But I could still smell her on my sheets. Feel her in my limbs. See her in my dreams.
And all I kept thinking, all night long, was: I want more. More and more and more.