15. Lily
Chapter 15
Lily
W ell, we broke the rules.
Even though Ethan didn’t come inside me, we still had sex.
Very, very good sex.
What do great sex scenes in romance novels need?
Tension. Conflict. People fighting against their impulses, doing something they know they shouldn’t do because it just feels so damn good. . . .
“Whatchya thinking about?” Ava’s voice, innocent as a baby owl, snapped me back to reality.
“Rules,” I said, catching Ethan’s eye across the breakfast table.
I saw him clench his jaw before taking a bite of toast.
“What kind of rules?”
“Oh, you know, just, rules in general,” I said, trying to sound breezy.
“When you were a kid, did they paddle you in school if you broke the rules?” Ava asked.
I snorted out a laugh. “Paddle me? How old do you think I am?”
“Daddy’s age?”
Ethan cut in. “Yep, you got it right. Lily and I are exactly the same age.”
“Aren’t you meant to be off fixing cars or fighting fires or something?” I shot back, pursing my lips.
“Not today.”
“Shame.”
“Don’t worry,” Ava said. “I know Daddy’s a hundred years older than you. It’s why you two can’t date each other, isn’t it?”
The question hung between us for a moment.
Ethan caught my eye, his face unreadable. “That’s one of about two million reasons,” he finally said.
“What are the other one million, nine-hundred and ninety-nine thou—”
“We don’t feel that way about each other,” Ethan said.
“Right,” I agreed. “That’s the most important reason.”
“Okay,” Ava said. She looked sad all of a sudden.
“Everything all right, Raver?”
“Yeah. I just like Lily.”
“I like you a lot, too,” I said, scooching over so that I was right next to her. “And I like your dad. But he and I aren’t going to get involved.”
“I know.”
“Maybe it’s confusing because we’re all living together like this, huh?”
Ava nodded. “Can you live here forever?”
“No,” I said, smiling. “But we’ll still be friends. Deal?”
I caught Ethan’s eye. He looked away.
“Okay,” said Ava. “Maybe we can do a book club.”
“I love that idea!”
“We can meet every day and talk about books together.”
“Maybe not every day,” Ethan said gently. “Lily’s busy at her store. And you’ve got school.”
“Every other day.”
“We’ll work it out,” I said, giving her hand a squeeze. “And I’m not going anywhere immediately. Not until your dad finishes his training.”
Ava nodded. “I hope he fails all his exams and has to train forever.”
“Watch it, kiddo,” said Ethan. Despite his grin, I could see the sadness in his eyes.
“And if you decide that you want to marry Dad in the meantime, then that could work, too,” said Ava.
I felt my cheeks flush. “It’s not going to happen, sweetie.”
“I know, I know. I’m just kidding.”
But I could tell that she wasn’t.
***
After breakfast, Ava and I read together for a couple of hours.
Ethan suddenly remembered some work he needed to do and headed to the garage.
I was desperate to talk to him about what had happened the night before, but I still hadn’t figured out quite what I wanted to say.
That was so freaking hot?
That can never happen again?
The rules are stupid and we should just ditch them and see what happens?
No, no, no. I was so mixed up. I couldn’t trust myself to express what I really felt. Frankly, I didn’t even know what I really felt.
Well, I knew some of the things I felt.
I felt excited. I felt horny. And of course, of course, of course, I felt like Ethan was the most perfect man to ever happen to me.
But then I was Lily Lane. And I had a history of feeling like that, only to wake up one day and realize I’d been a complete and utter fool.
I definitely knew that I loved reading with Ava. Made me feel like a kid again. Like I was discovering this huge new world of words and imagination. As we read, I couldn’t help but wonder what it might be like to spend more time with her. With them . As part of their life. I’d see Ava grow up. Become more confident. Mature.
To my surprise, I didn’t find the idea daunting at all. In fact, it felt wonderful. It would be a huge honor to help guide and nurture this brilliant young girl.
Ethan did an amazing job as a dad. He worked so hard and cared so deeply for his daughter.
But I wondered what I might be like as a . . . mom.
Oh god. Why was I doing this to myself?
Eventually, it was time to go. We gathered up Ava’s book— Firefighter Daddy was shaping up very nicely—and headed over to Cole and Elara’s place, where Ethan was due to meet us.
“It’s really cool you’re coming along today,” Ava said as we walked up the track toward Cole’s place.
“I feel a bit nervous,” I admitted.
“Why?”
“It’s a family dinner. And I’m not family. Just a nanny.”
She grabbed my hand. “You’re family to me.”
My heart almost melted.
Cole and Elara’s new place was awesome. Cole had finished the rebuild a few months ago, but everything still looked brand new. For the longest time, Cole had lived in an old trailer in an empty trailer park with a view of the ocean. When he’d got together with Elara, though, he’d decided to knock his old trailer down and build a gleaming, modern house on the spot where it used to stand.
The house looked phenomenal, all glass and clean lines, but somehow in keeping with the coastal landscape. Maybe it was the natural materials he’d used, like stone and slate. Maybe it was the neutral color palette he’d chosen, reflecting the shades of sea and sand. Whatever it was, he’d nailed it.
I pressed the doorbell, and a moment later, I heard the scampering of excitable paws on the hardwood floor.
“Anthony!” Ava squealed with delight.
Elara’s stupidly cute Cavalier King Charles Spaniel pushed his wet nose up against the glass next to the front door, leaving a big smear, and then he did an excited donut.
El pushed open the door. “Hello, you two! Great to see you.” She gave us both a big hug.
“Ava! Ava!” Two young voices cried out from inside the house, then Rhea and Lexi bounded out to greet us.
Meanwhile, Anthony was jumping up and down like a jack-in-the-box.
“He accidentally ate a couple of cookies this morning,” Elara explained. “Lucky they weren’t chocolate.”
“Accidentally?”
“Lexi fed them to him on accident,” Rhea said solemnly.
“Yeah. I thought I was feeding Dad.”
Cole’s voice sounded from somewhere inside. “I don’t look like a dog!”
The girls squealed with laughter.
“Come on, Ava, let’s go play!”
The kids scampered off.
“I’m so excited to have you here,” she said, giving me a dazzling smile.
“I’m nervous,” I admitted quietly.
“What? Why?”
I glanced over her shoulder. “Ethan and I had sex again,” I whispered. “Last night.”
“Wait, again?”
“We did it two days in a row. It’s against the rules.”
“Oh no! Naughty, naughty! So . . . are you in love now?”
“Well, no, b—”
She shrugged. “So don’t worry about it!”
“It’s a slippery slope, though.”
“What does Ethan think about it?”
“We haven’t had a chance to talk yet.”
Just then, Ethan appeared from inside. “Hey,” he said, folding his arms and then unfolding them awkwardly. “You made it.”
I’d only been away from Ethan a couple of hours, but somehow, I’d forgotten what an immediate, powerful effect seeing him could have on me. He was still wearing overalls from the garage, and there were dark stains on them.
The fact that he was dirty really shouldn’t be a turn-on, right?
I felt his eyes linger on my red dress. Nervous about this dinner, I had chosen a power color to boost my confidence. As Ethan’s gaze traced the low-cut neckline and the skirt flaring out just above my knees, I started to wonder if I’d picked something a little too sexy.
“We made it,” I said, trying to seem as though I hadn’t just been talking about having sex with him.
There was a strange moment. Elara knew what me and Ethan were up to. Ethan and I knew that she knew. We all knew all about it. But now that the three of us were together, there was no way that we could discuss it.
“So, shall we head in?” El asked, a devilish smile on her face.
“Sure,” I said, unable to drag my eyes off Ethan’s overalls.
We entered the living room to see Ava, Rhea, and Lexi sprawled on the rug, immersed in a card game. Anthony lay beside them, soaking up all their strokes, while Ida perched on the couch, overseeing and calling out encouragement.
“Lily, good to see you,” she said, giving me a warm smile. “I’m really enjoying those novels, by the way. Those bikers—wow! You know how to pick ‘em.”
I noticed Ethan glancing at me. He cleared his throat. “I’m gonna go take off these overalls, then make sure Cole isn’t causing any trouble in the kitchen.”
Ida watched him leave, a confused frown on her face. “He’s been acting so odd lately.” She turned back to me. “How’s your snap game?”
I grinned. “I reckon I could give these whippersnappers a run for their money.”
“You’ve got no chance,” Ava said, grinning.
“I’ve got the reflexes of a cat!” Lexi chimed in.
“Oh yeah, well I’ve got the reflexes of a cat, too,” I replied. “Just a very old, half-blind cat that’s eaten too much pudding.”
“Pudding cat!” Rhea shrieked with delight.
It was a pleasure to see Ava play with her cousins. When Ava was with these two, she wasn’t quiet or nervous like when I saw her walking out of school. I hoped this was her true self, and the more confident she became with her reading and studies, the more she’d come out of her shell.
Man, I really cared about her. I was surprised by the force of the feeling.
After losing a few rounds of Snap—turns out Pudding Cat had forgotten all her tricks—Cole called out that dinner was ready. We went into the dining room, the tantalizing scent of spices heavy in the air.
“Hope you brought your appetite,” Cole teased as he ladled out heaping bowls of hearty chili.
“And your spice tolerance,” Ethan chipped in, raising an eyebrow. He’d scrubbed up since earlier. The overalls were off, and now he wore a black and white flannel shirt and jeans. Was it wrong that I found the sigh of a clean Ethan just as sexy as the sight of a dirty one?
“I love spicy food,” I assured him, eagerly accepting a bowl.
“You want some of my reaper sauce?” Cole held up a small, bright red bottle. “It’s a secret recipe, but I don’t mind sharing the main ingredient.”
“What is it?” I asked.
He waggled his eyebrows. “Pain!”
“Delicious,” I declared. “Lay it on me.”
“Lils,” Elara said, “you probably don’t want too much of that.”
Okay. I have this . . . quirk. If someone tells me not to do something, I kind of have to do it. I get this terrible urge to break the rules and do the bad thing. That was kind of why things went the way they did last night.
“I said lay it on me!” I offered Cole my bowl.
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” El said, shaking her head.
Cole winked at me. “You won’t regret it.” He teased out a couple of drops from the bottle.
“Keep it coming,” I said. “You know redheads have a higher pain tolerance?”
“For real?” Lexi asked.
I nodded.
Once again, I noticed Ethan glancing in my direction.
“Can I dye my hair red when I’m older?” Ava asked.
“Not sure that’s how it works, Raver,” Ethan laughed. “But yes. When you’re older, you can be the boss of your own hair.” He glanced at me again and I looked away.
Cole shook out another two drops of hot sauce. “Enough?”
“Couple more. For luck.”
“Damn, I know you like spicy books, but this is next level,” said Cole with a whistle.
“Daddy,” Rhea said, “what are spicy books?”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“Well,” Cole said, “Lily’s the expert, why don’t we let her explain?”
The blood drained from my face. Holy fudgity fudge. “Uhh. Well . . . sometimes, when a daddy and a mommy love each other very m—”
“Okay!” Ethan said, a note of mania in his voice. “Why don’t we focus on enjoying the food and we can talk about spicy books in, oh, I don’t know, about thirty years?”
“Good idea!” I said, then, I took a bite of the chili.
It was incredible. Such earthy, complex flavors . . . for about two seconds. Then the heat hit me like a freight train.
I couldn’t talk. I could hardly breathe. All I could do was open my mouth and breathe out fire. My nose felt runny. Tears streamed down my cheeks. My entire face stung. I frantically gulped water. It didn’t help.
“Too much kick for you?” Cole asked sympathetically.
I got the hiccups next. All I could do was croak: “Help.”
Laughter broke out and Elara was loudest of all. “Someone throw a bucket of water over Lily,” she said, shrieking with laughter.
“No!” said Ava. “Be kind to her.”
“I can’t feel my face,” I said, as a tingling numbness settled over my cheeks.
“Wait there,” Ethan said. A moment later, he arrived with a glass of milk.
“Milk? Why?”
“Just drink it,” he said.
I did as he said, downing the creamy liquid in desperate gulps. It actually helped—a little. Better than water, anyway.
It was only then that I realized that Ethan was rubbing my back soothingly, barely suppressing his laughter. His hands strayed over the fabric of my dress onto the bare skin just below my neck. Oh, boy. That crackly touch again.
“You okay there, Lil?” he asked.
I looked up at him, and he seemed to remember himself, springing away from me as though it was my back that was on fire, rather than my mouth.
“Fine,” I gasped out. “Totally fine. Nothing to see here.”
Rhea patted my arm. “It’s okay, Lily. Daddy’s chili is really spicy. I’m only allowed three drops of reaper sauce.”
“Three?!” I yelped. “I didn’t have many more than three.”
“Yeah, but I’d had practice. Plus, I’m nearly six now.”
“Guess I’ll have to work on my heat tolerance,” I said weakly.
“You’ll get there,” Ethan said, trying to act as though he hadn’t just rubbed my back in public.
A few minutes later, the burn slowly subsided, and I had a fresh bowl of non-reaper-spiked chili safely in front of me.
Ida turned to me. “So, Lily, how’s the bookstore going?”
I felt a different kind of discomfort now. “Oh, you know . . . it’s going.” I tried to sound upbeat, but even I could hear the strain in my voice.
Ida’s brow furrowed slightly. “Is everything okay? I know balancing the store and watching Ava must be a lot.”
I looked over at Ava and gave her a smile. “No, taking care of Ava is a pleasure. We have a great time together. But I, uh, haven’t been feeling the store so much recently.”
“You’re not enjoying managing it?”
“Right. It’s just, since the wedding disaster, romance books suddenly don’t seem as appealing.”
Ida nodded. “That must be hard. Feeling like everyone’s falling in love except you.” I know that feeling. She looked down at her napkin.
“Yeah. It’s not really that so much as . . . well, it’s more that I don’t really believe in love anymore.”
Elara’s eyes widened. “You don’t?”
“I believe that there is a collection of emotions, that—when experienced together—can make you think love exists for a while. But actually, the feelings are just a mix of other things. Hope, trust . . . lust.” I did everything in my power not to look anywhere near Ethan’s direction.
“Isn’t that the same thing, then?” asked Elara, somewhat grumpily. “If you feel all those other things, then who’s to say that collectively they don’t mean love?”
I shrugged. “I just don’t buy it. I think love is just an advertising gimmick, a way to control the masses. And sell a truck ton of romance novels.”
It was only then that I noticed that everyone around the table had stopped eating. Hopefully, it was because what I was saying was incredibly insightful, so I went on.
“Love is a myth, an illusion. You keep convincing yourself you can see it, but it’s just a mirage. And you end up heartbroken every time it slips between your fingers. Better to be realistic from the start, I think. That’s what the new Lily’s doing. Acknowledging that romance is dead, so I don’t get hurt.”
Cole snorted. “You sound like Ethan.”
I couldn’t help it—I exchanged glances with Ethan. I’d hoped that he would be nodding along with me. That maybe I’d even impressed him with my little spiel. But in actual fact, he just looked sad. Really sad.
“Anyway,” I said, clearing my throat. “Maybe I just need a break from the genre for a while. You know Mary-Beth, my friend from school, who’s a literary agent, right?”
Elara narrowed her eyes at me. “Yes,” she said. “In New York.”
I swallowed. “She asked me whether I’d want to join her company as a horror agent.”
“Ooh,” said Ida. “Sounds fancy.”
Elara put down her knife and fork and folded her arms.
Ethan sipped from his glass of water.
“Of course I said no,” I continued. “Too many responsibilities here.” I looked at Ava gain, giving her another smile.
“You know I’d support your decision if you wanted to go,” Ethan said quietly.
“Support my decision?”
“Not that it’s my place,” he explained. “I just mean, I know I said I’d want you to be Ava’s nanny as long as possible, for continuity of care, but I wouldn’t want to stand in your way of . . . such an exciting opportunity.”
I swallowed. “Thank you. That’s kind. But I want to try harder at the bookstore.”
Ida nodded understandingly. “Running a small business is tough, especially when you’re being pulled in different directions.”
“Honestly, I kind of feel like I’m letting everyone down, no matter what I do.”
“Well, you’re not letting us down,” Ethan said firmly, his blue eyes intense. “You’re awesome.”
There was an awkward silence for a moment. Cole and Elara were definitely sharing meaningful looks with one another.
Emotion welled up in my throat, and I blinked back sudden tears. “Well, uh, thank you.”
Ida turned to Ethan now. “So, how’s that Ferrari coming along, Eth?”
I tried not to squirm too hard as I remembered the feeling of the Ferrari’s hood beneath my ass.
Ethan ran a hand through his hair. “It’s slow. Honestly, I’ve barely had time to work on it with everything else at the garage.”
“Everything else at the garage?” I asked curiously.
He shrugged. “You know, other cars. For customers. Wish I had more time, but you know me—other people’s cars always come first.”
I frowned, studying his face. There was something in his tone, a kind of resigned weariness, that tugged at my heart. It wasn’t the first time I’d noticed it. This sense that Ethan always put himself last and that everyone else’s needs came before his own.
Later, after the plates were cleared and the laughter died down, Ava jumped up from her seat, her blue eyes sparkling with excitement. “So, I was hoping that I could show everyone my book,” she announced. “Lily helped me with it.”
There were murmurs of encouragement from everyone. I was super excited for her.
Ava dashed out of the room and returned a moment later, clutching the colorful handmade book to her chest. “It’s called Firefighter Daddy ,” she declared proudly, holding it up for everyone to see. “I was having a bit of trouble with reading and writing at school ‘cause my brain might be a bit different to other people’s. But Lily’s been helping me. Now I can read much more quickly. Look, I’ll show you.”
Ava pulled out her blue overlay with a flourish, then placed it down on the book. She began to read, steady and confident, and I found my gaze drifting to Ethan. He watched his daughter with such intense focus, such pure, unconcealed love, that it took my breath away.
Maybe he wouldn’t let you down.
Maybe that exact collection of emotions you experience when you’re close to him really is . . .
Stop it, Lily.
As Ava read the final lines, Ethan’s eyes shone. He swept her up in a fierce hug as the rest of the family burst into applause, praising the budding author.
“I couldn’t have done it without Lily,” Ava said, beaming at me over her dad’s shoulder. “She’s the best nanny ever. And guess what?” Her smile turned impish. “She’s going to move in with us forever and never leave us!”
The room fell silent, every head swiveling in my direction. I felt my face flush hot, my mouth opening and closing soundlessly as I struggled for words.
“Ava, honey, that’s not true,” Ethan said gently. “Lily has her own life, her own home. She’s just your nanny for a while, to help me with training. And then she’ll go back to her place, or go to New York, or—”
“But I want her to stay!” Ava wailed, and before anyone could stop her, she bolted from the room, sobs trailing in her wake.
I was on my feet in an instant, hurrying after her as quickly as I could. I found her curled up on the back porch steps, her thin shoulders shaking with the force of her tears.
“Oh, sweet girl,” I murmured, sinking down beside her and gathering her into my arms. “Shh, it’s okay. I’ve got you.”
Ava burrowed into my embrace, her hot tears soaking the front of my shirt. “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice muffled against my chest. “I just . . . it’s been really good having you around, Lily. It feels like everything’s changed. Got better.”
My heart ached. “I care about you, Ava,” I said, stroking her silky hair. “And I won’t just up and leave, okay? No matter what, I’d like to be part of your life, in one way or another. But, you know, life can be complicated for grown-ups.”
“Why?”
“Good question. I wish I had a good answer for you.”
“Is it because love is just an advertising gimmick?”
“Oh, no, sweetheart—” I began. But I stopped because Ethan stepped out to join us.
“You okay, Raver?”
“I want everything to be fixed,” Ava huffed.
“Fixed?”
“Lily fixed my reading. But I want her to fix everything. To fix you. To fix the fact Mom died. If she was my new mom, it would fix everything.”
I saw the concern on Ethan’s face. “Baby,” he said. “Not everything can be fixed.”
“Why?” She kicked a stone off the porch step.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s just the way it is.” And then, to my surprise, he kneeled down next to us and hugged us both, wrapping his strong arms around us.
We sat like that, together, gently rocking back and forth until Ava’s sobs quieted. When she finally pulled away, Ethan and I led her back into the house, where Lexi and Rhea were waiting to draw her into a game.
I watched them for a moment, smiling at their giggles and chatter. Then a warm hand settled on the small of my back, and I turned to find Ethan watching me, his blue eyes soft and serious.
“Can we talk for a second?” he murmured, inclining his head toward the empty kitchen.
I nodded, my pulse picking up speed as I followed him out of the room. The moment we were alone, he turned to face me, his expression unreadable.
“I’m sorry you’re mixed up in this,” he said. “Ava’s never really got over losing her mom.”
“How are you meant to get over something like that?”
“Wish I knew. I want you to know that I’m grateful,” he said quietly. “You are such a positive influence on Ava. She’s talking about feelings that she’s kept inside for a long time. Even though it’s confusing for her, I’m hopeful it will be good for her in the end.”
“Me too.”
He hesitated, then reached out to take my hand, his fingers lacing through mine. “I’ve been desperate to talk to you about last night, to apologize . . .”
“Don’t,” I interrupted, shaking my head. “Please don’t say you’re sorry. It wasn’t a mistake, Ethan. I don’t regret it for a second.”
He exhaled sharply, his eyes searching mine. “You don’t? I thought . . . I was afraid you’d want to end things. Because we broke the rules.”
“No.” I shrugged. “It’s not like we’re in love, is it?”
“No.” He paused. “Of course not.”
“Exactly. That would be ridiculous.”
“So, we just . . . keep going?”
“Right. But no more rule-breaking.”
He nodded. “I don’t want Ava to get hurt.”
“If you want to stop any time,” I said, “then we stop. Okay?”
I looked up at him, thinking how nice it was that I was wearing small heels and I could still look up at him.
His eyes darkened, his grip on my hand tightening. “Lily,” he breathed, glancing down at my chest. “It’s very naughty to show up wearing a dress like that and then talk about leaving town. I hope you know that.”
I bit my lip. “Glad you like the dress.”
“I like the dress. In fact,” he said, his voice suddenly ragged with emotion, “I. . . .” He leaned in toward me, his eyes darting down to my mouth.
But before he could say or do anything else, childish laughter rang out from the next room, and we sprang apart like guilty teenagers.
I felt a blush stain my cheeks, but I couldn’t stop the silly grin from spreading across my face, either.
Ethan shook his head ruefully, a smile tugging at his lips, too. “To be continued,” he said, then leaned in to brush a soft kiss against my cheek. “I love your freckles, by the way,” he said, then he kissed my cheek again, before striding out of the kitchen, leaving me weak-kneed and giddy.
I floated through the rest of the afternoon in a happy daze, my mind replaying Ethan’s words and his touch on an endless loop.
When it was time to leave, I hugged Elara and Cole goodbye, promising to meet up with Elara later that week for coffee and girl talk.
“You’d better answer my text messages,” Elara said, waggling a finger at me. “I need to know everything—and I mean everything—about all this anti-love business. Not to mention your New York job offer.” She patted her baby bump. “Me and the baby won’t let you go without a fight, though. So be warned.”
I smirked. “Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.”
As Ethan drove us home, a comfortable silence settled over the car.
Ava dozed off in the backseat, her face peaceful in slumber.
Without taking his eyes off the road, Ethan reached over and took my hand.
“Hey,” I said, “no lingering touches.”
“Right, right,” he said, whipping his hand away.
Boy, did I regret writing those rules.
There was to be absolutely no sex today. We both made sure of it. I played with Ava while Ethan went off to the fire station for more training. After I put Ava to bed, I didn’t wait up for him. Instead, I went straight to my room and prepared to crash out on the rickety sleeper sofa, which was becoming more uncomfortable—and lonely—by the night.
I put on my very unsexy broccoli pajamas. Yep, broccoli pajamas. It was impossible think a single steamy thought while wearing green pajamas covered in florets of broccoli, proudly boasting the slogan “Veg out time.” Then, I collapsed face-first onto the mattress.
But the moment my body hit the bed, there was a loud, shuddering crack.
“Oh, shi—!” The rest of my curse morphed into a yelp as the bed frame gave way beneath me, sending the mattress plummeting to the floor in a cloud of dust. I lay there for a moment, blinking in shock.
Immediately, Ethan’s large, comfortable bed popped into my mind.
I wondered whether he’d forgive me if I used it while he was out. And if he’d be angry finding me curled up under his blankets when he got home.
Then I remembered that this was real life, not a fairy tale. I wasn’t Goldilocks. I was a guest, a nanny. I had to respect the rules.
And if the rules meant sleeping on a blanket on the hardwood floor so that there was no accidental sexy sex with my hot firefighter boss when he got home, then so be it.
That chili I ate today had been a stark warning. I was never breaking a rule ever again.